The no contact/texting/email thread

[cathkidstonbag]

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

Have done. Thanks for pointing that out - I copied and pasted without paying attention to the fact his name was there! God! I'm on a different planet!

Sure it'll be fine, it's hardly an unusual name. It was a lovely email tho. Did you feel better getting it all out?
I've potentially made OM really cross/upset just now. Very childish of me but it did ease the hurt a bit.

day 4..i feel a bit of a release by not having any contact.

Have to tell you that this is the 2nd time I've had NC with this OM..the first was 21 years ago. I lasted 19 years and then found him again. For some reason not being in contact with him now is easier.

Hi OMG - have you contacted him again then?

Wow Iknow - 19 years! maybe because you know you got through it last time and survived its not so bad this time...?

No Blondie I haven't contacted him. But he's still on my FB and I have just put on a status that a friend has commented on and she has used a very obscure unusual word that he used in his last email to me. So he will know she has seen that email or I've told her about it. Which will be a shock as he has always assumed I have told nobody about this. I've never admitted or denied this.
My friend is also by some bizarre twist of fate an old friend to someone who is now best friends with his wife. I am guessing he will be a bit worried at this point.
Childish I know but let his perfect life be a little bit wobbled, let him start to consider that I may actually have some cards to play. I won't of course and he probably knows that. But think it will still have an effect on him.

OMG - yes, it did feel better to get it out = but that isnt nearly everything that I feel for him, just the tip of the iceberg! He replied and said thank you - that he had taken ages to read it because he had to keep stopping to get himself together!

Yes, we've been in contact again for the last 2 years. But we both know the timing isn't right now and my never be. And we've worked through the sadness of that. It's time now to just accept that we have a love for each other that will always be there, but we just can't pursue it now. It would cause too much chaos in both our lives.

iknow - does that mean you both love your DPs more than you love each other? With my OM, what I don't understand (although I understand how he feels about his kids)is how he can go home to her every night, eat with her, sleep in the same bed with her, all the time that she is acting like he doesnt really exist except as a major irritation in her life, when he knows I'm here and wanting him in my life. I have never been able to get that. I know people do take a while to get to the point where they're ready to leave, but I am so impatient - I guess because I'm late 30s and only recently realised that although I've been in love before, its not been real love, and as I said before - every night and day I have to endure without him feels like an eternity....

God he's just walked back into the office..... looking so good and totally adorable! AAAAARGHH!!!

thanks everyone - its really helping to talk about all this!

Blondie..it's not about loving 'more' or 'less'..it is about accepting that we have something together that is unconditional. And that the love we have for our respective families is just as important, if not more, than than what we have with each other.

If you can stop thinking about him sleeping in the same bed with is wife, it will make your life a whole lot easier. Thinking about the details can drive you crazy. Also, you don't know her side of the story. Every relationship is complicated.

oh yes, iknow, believe me I know there are two sides to every story.... but I've been there at 5.05pm when she rings to find out why he hasnt left the office yet, I've been there when she calls him mid afternoon to say the kids are running riot at home and he has to go running.... I've been there when she rings and just rants at him for not leaving the office early enough! Apparently she feels she has drawn the short straw by having to work part time (she would prefer to work full time) to look after the kids, and feels he has the best life because he gets to go off to work.... he has an incredibly stressful job, and I can tell you its not the best life - she doesnt know how lucky she is! My ex insisted on working extremely long hours - before our DS was born I used to only really see him on the weekends, when he just wanted to stay in his PJs all weekend, not shower, not do anything. This continued after DS was born, and I was living the life of a single mum = so I thought I might as well actually BE single mum! SHE on the other hand, has my OM and his parents near by, works 3 days a week, the kids go to school/nursery and she has the other two days to herself! and OM there in the evenings to put them to bed and at weekends! She really does not know she's born! I'd love to tell her she doesnt know what she's got! He's clean, he's house trained, helps round the house..... lucky cow! (sorry!!!) rant over!

sorry I should have clarified = my ex works long hours, but is management so doesnt get overtime, so its not for the money! He just doesnt know how to say no!

God - do I sound deluded? Sometimes I think I must be if he's willing to stay - and that he must be lying about how he feels about me....

"she doesnt know how lucky she is!"
Considering her husband is having an affair and is presumably lying to her about this, I'd debate how lucky she is really.

I also think your OM should behave with more integrity - either fully commit to his marriage and stop telling you soppy stuff like he dreams of you each night, you are amazing etc, or leave her and follow his heart. At least with the latter he'd be being honest. I have less problem with adulterers than I do with people who fence-sit and piss about! I mean, we all make mistakes, it'd how you deal with them that counts. He's not committing to either option fully, is he?
So yes, you sound a touch deluded but I do understand - it was months and month before I stopped making excuses for my ex to try and justify his less than fantastic behaviour

Well she's lucky because he's there - he's decided to stay with her! she's lucky because he's physically there to be with her and help with the kids, even if emotionally he's not 100% there. She's lucky in comparison to what I've had - which was a physically absent husband/father who when he was present was moody, angry, immature, with disgusting habits (those were the reasons and more why I left). She's lucky because I've just discovered they're going on holiday in July - I havent had a holiday since 2007. She's lucky because she has access to the money he earns, that she gets to live in a huge detached house, that his parents live nearby to help support childcare, that he is committed at the moment enough to stay because of the kids... sorry, feeling V bitter at the moment. Need to play the long game, get on with my life in the meantime while he's sorting things out but I just physically do not know how to do that! I need patience but don't have any! I've just been made redundant and am scared about the future on my own, not just financially but emotionally as well.

Do you know his wife? You sound very resentful of her. Does she know about you? Afterall, he is HER husband, not yours! He's lucky she is still with him!

its just how I'm feeling today - yes, I guess you could look at it like that.... all I know is how he is, and know that I wouldnt treat him badly... would have more respect for him than she shows him.... but you're right I don't know her. Guess I should just shut up now before this turns into a slanging match, which I really coudl not handle today. I'm distraught and struggling. Posting on here was helping me to not contact him - but I guess all I'm sounding like is the typical OW and I'm not. I'm off now.

You don't sound like a typical OW, actually. You sound like someone who is struggling, and had found an oasis of peace in amongst all the difficult stuff which has now been taken from her in a way that's out of her control, and who is understandably quite pissed off and hurting about that.
You also sound like you could use a hug :) So have a few from me... Chin up love, it will get better. In the meantime, you can continue to vent here. That's what the thread is for. This thread has ensured I didn't contact my ex so many times since I started posting here, and has saved my sanity.

But try not to hate her, you are only hearing what he says about her. Imagine what she says about him? Because you haven't lived with him, all you see is this amazing man, but reallity may be very different.
He needs to leave you alone and concentrate on his marriage. He is being very unfair on you, stringing you along. If he cared about you at all. He would not keep tempting /tormenting you like this.

Aisling..you're right there. Hating his wife isn't going to make it any better. He chose to live the life he's living, he is being unfair to you and you can choose not give in to that.

I asked OM to tell me only good things about his W, otherwise I felt that I would lose respect for him and also because I figured if it's so bad with her, why doesn't he just leave? So I have been there too Blondie, but it will get better. And the best thing is to have no contact at all and focus on getting yourself back on track and feeling good about yourself.

I need to join.
Decided to go no contact on Tuesday

short story: man I've gone no contact with was my window cleaner originally and we became friends then more (emotionally mainly) but he had a gf who has now told him he isn't allowed to see me anymore. He wanted us to stay friends but it had to be on very limited terms (eg he couldn't come and see me but would talk to me if he happened to bump into me, wouldn't contact me but would reply to texts or speak to me if I rang him) and it was hurting me too much that he couldn't be a proper friend so told him I wouldn't contact him either. Add to that that when I called him to tell him this he was still telling me he had feelings for me and cared about me but his recent texts have been curt and emotionless where his gf is now reading them so I was feeling really hurt and like he wanted to keep me emotionally invested without giving anything back.

Really thought I could do it but today my new window cleaner came and the dc got upset asking where he was and when he was going to come and see them and I had to explain that he wasn't going to come again because he and mummy weren't friends anymore. Tears all round because they really loved him and are missing him (they only knew him as my friend, never saw anything more between us). So stupid me text him to tell him how hard it had been to have the dc asking for him and to have them upset over not seeing him. Really angry with myself. Especially as I'd thought I'd ended it in quite a closurey place (iykwim) and have now lost that.

So basically need somewhere to post when I get the urge to contact him. Or somewhere to be a bit self-pitying when I'm finding it hard

Blondie73
i'm just being curious would the relationship have ended anyway if it's a workbased one and you are being made redundant
My h left me for someone he works with and one of them will be made redundant next month and i was assuming this would have a major effect on their relationship

Welcome, FO :) I know how frustrating it is when you manage to end things appropriately and then make contact after that - feels like it dilutes your last 'official' words and I've spent soooo much of my time being pissed off with myself after doing just that . It's like the equivalent of storming out of someones flat telling them you never want to see them again, then realizing you've walked into the hall cupboard and having to come out and leave by the correct door. Argh. So, I know how you feel.

Have you signed up for the Baggage Reclaim NC emails? I've found them really useful at stopping me doing the above. Well, the whole site is useful.

Thanks singout, great analogy

I haven't heard of that site, will have a look.

Also apologies as I haven't yet managed to read through the thread so am not up with everyone's stories/situation.