Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The no contact/texting/email thread

849 replies

cathkidstonbag · 14/06/2011 14:19

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

OP posts:
Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:13

I know FAB - but I'm sitting here at my desk trying to hold back my tears, and he can see me! I'm feeling so weak right now, plus I have a weekend coming to deal with and my boy is with his dad.... I have so much to do, but no energy - I can see myself staying in bed the whole time! I'm going to be totally by myself, I can't even arrange to go out as I've been spending all my money doing just that over the last few months to distract myself at weekends - meals out, nights out with friends, days out - they all cost money! Sad

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:17

I know I have to step back.... I just do not know how to do that right now... all I keep thinking about is him making love to her, using the things he's learnt with me on her (and I know he learnt them from me, because when we met... well he wasnt exactly awful in bed, but he certainly didnt really know what he was doing - he didnt even really know how to kiss properly!!!!). Stupid thing is I know he has a right to do all those things with her, but God it hurts..... she doesnt really want him, I do!

TheOriginalFAB · 24/06/2011 11:17

Why not plan to stay in bed all weekend? DH and I used to do that occasionally before we lived together. He would go out and get loads of papers and snacks and we would stay in bed all day and just chill.

You could read, paint your name, watch tv and sleep when you want too.

Having a man in your life should only happen when he makes you smile more than cry. I know exactly what you are going through but you are hurting yourself and that is what I did. You can get through this but carrying on as you are will just bring more pain.

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:23

Thanks FAB. When we are together thats ALL we do - smile! and laugh! and have fun! I'm only crying because I want him so bad, and he tells me he wants me so bad! He told me yesterday he dreams most nights abotu me and that in his dreams we;re holding each other and laughing! Its the old analogy thing again! We just had a chat about work, and it was so nice to talk face to face again! so easy and comfortable....

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:25

and I probably will end up staying in bed - feel it is such a waste of a weekend but I have no motivation at all right now.... I was up again at 4.55am this morning - that child! Good job I love him!... and he's so gorgeous! I tell him he's gorgeous and he repeats it back to me Smile

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:28

and apols FAB - hope I don't seem too obstructive, I don't mean to be - I know you're trying to help, can you just talk to me?

TheOriginalFAB · 24/06/2011 11:31

You aren't being obstructive and of course I will talk to you.

I have been where you are and have had so many false starts at moving on. Whatever you are feeling I have been there. Mine was my first love who I got back in touch with. I am much happier now we don't talk and feel strong enough to cope should he contact me. I am sure he won't though.

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:40

Thanks for understanding FAB. Was he the one who your friend told him you were married when you werent? Or was it the other way around?

I would probably find this easier to cope with if I had a DH who I still loved who was there to distract me and that I could concentrate on instead of OM. I'm feeling so shit right now.... Stupid thing is I'm talking about him on here, and he can see my screen from where he sits - when I'm on MN usually he messages me to ask what I'm reading about, or what I'm writing about on here! Wish I could tell him right now.... tell him I love him, can't stop thinking about him, miss him with everything I've got, dream about him every night, feel like I'll never even have sex again unless its with him, miss the way he holds my hand and presses his thumb into mine as if he#s trying to make it one thumb (hope that makes sense!!!)

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:42

except he alreadys knows all of that.... Sad

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 24/06/2011 11:52

Blondie73 - sorry to hear how much painyou are in :( Please stay strong, it will all work out in the end. I felt much stronger yesterday, worse again today but I know this is the right thing to do. Your OM needs to make a choice and you need to make him see that.
I wish I had a DH I could focus on and love too, I have one who makes me feel lonlier than if I lived alone. I wake up in the night sobbing and my DH doesn't even notice. I hate my life at the moment. If I didn't have my DCs I don't think I'd want to carry on.

OP posts:
Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:56

I know what you're saying OMG - thanks for that. I used to feel like that before I left my husband too. Althoguh at the moment I too feel like I am only carrying on for my DS. The pain is too much right now and I just want it to stop.

Have you decided to stay with your husband? Could you leave with the DC? I haven't read any other threads you've put on here so not sure of your backstory.... He sounds like a pig. If it weren;t for this pain I am in right now - and its emotional and physical - I would be ok. I love my new flat, my boy and I have our own routine now, I'm getting it how I want it and no longer having to deal with the disgustingness I used to when I lived with my husband!

I think you and I both need a hug right now!!!

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:58

Right now he's on the phone a few feet behind me, and even the sound of his voice, so soft, is killing me....

TheOriginalFAB · 24/06/2011 12:06

A friend told me he is married and wouldn't give him my address/phone number.

I may have it easier as I have a dh but tbh I would have made the break any way.

I told mine exactly what I felt for him but it didn't matter as he wasn't going to leave his wife because of his child and I respect him for that. I told him my dh had left me and he replied he was really sorry to hear that. I blocked him but have contacted him since but had nothing back. That told me every thing I needed to know. DH came back and we are very happy.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 24/06/2011 12:09

Hope you don't think I was trying to belittle what you're feeling Blondie. It must be so much harder for you. At least mine was only ever some silly online thing, not actually physical. And I know I will never have to bump into OM anywhere, it would kill me seeing and hearing him.
I think at sometime I will probably end up leaving but it's so difficult. Would have been easier when the DC were smaller.
I hate Fridays, it's nearly the weekend and I know OM used to have fab weekends with his family. Mine are full of arguments and stress and recrimination. I used to get through them because I'd get little messages through the day. I thought he was my best friend - I miss having him in my life. Just wish I could ask him what I did wrong, why he changed.

OP posts:
Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 12:09

I'm really glad for you FAB that you and your DH managed to work it out and you're now happy. Glad and v v v envious! In my whole life I've never met another guy who wants me like I want him, loves me like I love him.... and its hard to let go of that.

I've had a lot of health problems int he past and it has taken its toll on my body and figure so I don't have the confidence or the figure I used to that used to attract men if you know what I mean.... and don't hold out much hope of meeting anyone else right now. Not that I'm interested - my heart wouldnt be in it..... its with him TBH and has been for the last 3 years!

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 12:14

omg - you didnt do anything wrong = you didnt make him be an arsewipe! (in fact you could use that word whenever you think of him!). I know what you mean about the weekends - both before and after I left my husband, I used to get through the weekends by counting down to the Monday when I could see him and be near him again, as well as texting over the weekend!

I really wasnt thinking you were belittling my situation - I know your's wasnt physical but it doesnt stop you from being in pain! Just remember - HE'S the arsewipe! He's the arsewipe!!! Grin

Yes, I know what you mean about leaving when the DCs are small, but.... if you're that unhappy....

TheOriginalFAB · 24/06/2011 12:21

Blondie - tell him everything and say this needs sorting one way or another as you can't go on like this.

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 12:28

Sad I did that yesterday.... we've agreed we need to stop, but both struggling with it - although he appears, on the surface anyway, to be dealing with it better than I am, and that just seems to make it harder for me! I've told him how I feel, and he knows - EVERYTHING - but I just seem to need to keep telling him, over and over and over. Its like a saucepan of milk bubbling over - the feelings keep coming and I can't stop them from spilling out! I told him he has to concentrate solely on her, not me, and lots of other stuff, and reiterated how much I love him and because of this I had to let him go to do this with his wife, and his response was that I am amazing, he's never met anyone like me before and I am an inspiration. He said he doesnt know whats going to happen, or how it will turn out, or whether he'll be happy, but knows he has to try this.

TheOriginalFAB · 24/06/2011 12:29

What you have said is so similar to me and him. You are hurting yourself by not moving on. You have self control and are in charge of yourself. You need to decide what choice you are going to make.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 24/06/2011 12:30

Blondie - if he feels that way about you he should leave his wife. If he dreams of you/thinks of you constantly then surely that's the only option. I think going NC for you will mean he either realises what he will lose and makes a choice or will make you strong enough to not give a damn. It's going to work out in the right way for you ... just have faith. It's not obvious yet but the universe (or whatever) has a plan for you and it's going to be good :)
Yeah an arsewipe I know. But he's an arsewipe who has a perfect life and family and hasn't been changed by this at all and my life is in tatters. It's so unfair :(

OP posts:
Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 12:33

At the end of the day, its the kids, it always has been. He is devoted to them (quite rightly) so isnt like the guys who just up and leave just like that. I respect that and him for that. But OH MY GOD it hurts to be without him = every night feels like a week, I turn over in bed and just need him to be there next to me, he's the first thing I think of when I wake and the last thing I think of when I go to sleep, I dream EVERY NIGHT about him in different situations and scenarios, but we're always together....

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalFAB · 24/06/2011 12:45

Really bad idea to post his name.

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 12:57

Oh @@@*&£!!!!

TheOriginalFAB · 24/06/2011 13:02

Ask for it to be deleted.