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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The no contact/texting/email thread

849 replies

cathkidstonbag · 14/06/2011 14:19

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

OP posts:
indecisiveforever · 23/06/2011 09:18

Yeah, I know, you are right. Its just the doing it thats hard. I feel like I am becoming a little obsessed
:(

KiiKii · 23/06/2011 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SingOut · 23/06/2011 13:20

KiiKii - think about what would happen if you actually got a text. What would it say? Would it make you feel good or would there be unease after reading it, or even anger? Would hearing from him make your day better or worse?

If you are really struggling to function, it might be a good idea to set aside 5 minutes every hour when you give yourself permission to think about him uninterruptedly. And then, during the remaining 55 minutes of each hour, when a thought or desire to check your phone arises, just bat it away firmly with 'not now, I'll give that my attention in a little while. Right now I'm doing [whatever you're doing]'
I do sympathize and I know how hard it is. But this isn't how healthy, happy reciprocal love is meant to feel, so already you have a sign that this person isn't doing you any favours. Can you try some deep breathing or any meditative exercise/calming thought which has worked for you in the past?
Hang in there..

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 23/06/2011 13:46

Just sticking my head round the door again ;)
You know what - I'm feeling better :) Am reading a book about emotional abuse and OM fits the whole persona of someone with BPD. The whole way he's behaved to me, his childhood, it all fits. And I don't need someone that damaged in my life. He really didn't care for me, it really was all a game.
I still check my phone, but only every few hours not every few minutes. I still hurt thinking about it and thinking always will but that patronising email from him is there to remind me just what he thinks of me.
It must be hard for all of you battling with feelings for someone who genuinely cares too, glad you are all being tough tho :)

OP posts:
KiiKii · 23/06/2011 13:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SingOut · 23/06/2011 14:04

omg - there's nothing like seeing them for who they really are and finding them wanting to dampen the flames of ardour, eh? Grin I've been having similar lightbulb moments lately. (A lighbulb moment in this case being when you want to crush lightbulbs into their food... joking, joking!)
kiikii - hope you're doing okay.

Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 23/06/2011 14:15

Singout - don't get me wrong I'm not over him but I don't feel upset about that email from him anymore, more exceedingly cross. Anger is much healthier I feel!!! I'm sure if he replies to me I will once again be obsessing over him but for now my head is clearing and if he can just stay away for a while I can see a time when I won't dance to his tune.
It helps that I can now see all his weaknesses and insecurities like he has always seen mine. Knowing that makes me feel more his equal, let's face it this is the man who thought of me for 20 years FFS and stalked me some of that time, but doesn't actually want me :S That's bizarre behaviour right there!!
Kiikii - I really hope you don't regret this but nobody could have stopped me when I was about to do all that. I just hope you get a happy ending :)

OP posts:
KiiKii · 23/06/2011 14:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MindyMacready · 23/06/2011 14:50

kiikii life's too short....

SingOut · 23/06/2011 14:56

KiiKii, well if you're serious about wanting to cut all contact, then obviously don't go. You then have the option of ignoring his invite or politely but firmly declining. Is he married also? As it's early days for you, I'd strongly advise you not to go there, you still have time to back out now.

keynesian · 23/06/2011 15:03

Kiikii, re. meeting tonight, you'll do what you want to do. You know the reasons for and against, so if you do decide to meet then you must be honest with yourself and own your decision so you will not regret your actions...

KiiKii · 23/06/2011 15:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheOriginalFAB · 23/06/2011 15:47

You CAN help it and you must otherwise you will lose a friend and your self respect.

Aislingorla · 23/06/2011 16:10

Kiikii, I take it you are unhappy in your marriage and maybe you want to leave? What about om? He has a fiancee, you say. Is he unhappy or just looking for a bit of fun?

keynesian · 23/06/2011 16:39

Kiikii, you can help it and blaming love, lust or liking the feeling of your ego being stroked does not make a meeting inevitable.

As I said before, if you want to go then go BUT make sure you've thought through fully ALL the possible consequences of your decision and your actions.

SingOut · 23/06/2011 20:45

The copper IUD is GONE, thank goodness Grin I can't express the relief. Hopefully goodbye bad skin, crushing fatigue, insane 2-week PMS, and generally feeling bloated and pregnant all the time. The family planning lady gave me some condoms, which made me smile - I feel like never having sex again, but never say never I suppose Wink Who knows what the future holds? At some point, when I am well over Mr Piss-You-About, perhaps I'll meet someone nice and integrity-filled who is completely available, and we'll take things very slowly and just have Saturday night cinema dates for about a year :)

Ladies, I hope you're all feeling strong and confident. I think you're all doing really well, wherever on the path to NC and self worth you are at this point in time.

KateMiddletonsMum · 23/06/2011 21:44

Fuckety fuck Sad
Not only have I appeared to have "caught" something from OM (200% i promise we used condoms!) but now he's not returning my texts or being flirty in the slightest.
I'm so fucking miserable

hardshipuntold · 23/06/2011 22:05

do you mean a sti or baby ?

KateMiddletonsMum · 23/06/2011 22:55

Sti

hardshipuntold · 24/06/2011 06:35

oh no Sad
hope its something that can be treated easily ,nightmare !!

IWasTheBadOne · 24/06/2011 06:51

Hi everyone
I'm only on the fourth page of this thread and will read the rest soon, but I really need to join. I belong here and I need help so badly. I have been seeing OM for about 8 months. We both live abroad, me because of H's work and him for his work. He has a GF back in the UK. It started because H and I have a sexless marriage and I met OM on craiglist. At first it was just a FWB thing, but of course I did the stupid thing and fell in love. He is the best person I have ever met. He ended it 3 days ago, because he couldn't take the guilt any more, and I've gone to pieces. I miss him so much it's like a physical pain. How will I get over this? I can't stop crying. The stupid thing is he never promised me anything, he was honest the whole way through, and I feel like I deluded myself and am now paying the price. OK am going to finish thread now.

IWasTheBadOne · 24/06/2011 07:11

Oh god, Blondie73 I just got to where you said about him being my missing piece; that's just how I feel. I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again or touching him. It was like I was magnetically drawn to him. I've never had that before, not even with my H when we actually had a relationship worth speaking of.

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:03

Oh blimey! I am really really struggling today! Help! We've agreed the arrangements and what has to happen, but I am THIS close to saying "sod it! its too painful! I miss you too much!!" and saying lets go back to the way it was! Anythings got to be better than this!!!! I can see him, hear him and talk to him (about work!) but nothing else! I feel like a starving person who is on one side of a wire fence and on the other is a 4 course meal.... I can see it and smell it, but cannot get to it to eat! Its too much!!!!! I don't want to do it but I do, if you see what I mean?! Its torture! I miss him! I miss him! I miss him! I know I just have to be strong, but its so so sooooooo hard! Talk to me! Please???! Sad

TheOriginalFAB · 24/06/2011 11:05

It is hard but you need to calm down and step back. Until you can be with him properly you need to make a new life away from him that doesn't involve him being your crutch.

Blondie73 · 24/06/2011 11:10

Does anyone know what it means to "play the long game"? Can anyone explain how to do it? Sorry, I know this is not what this thread is for but I'm on a v slippery slope down and I can feel myself getting really really low.... if only I had something to work towards, to aim for.... I could handle NC if I thought he might come back after trying this "working it out" thing and finding out it didnt work!