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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The no contact/texting/email thread

849 replies

cathkidstonbag · 14/06/2011 14:19

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

OP posts:
Original poster
cathkidstonbag · 22/06/2011 12:11

Fizzfiend - just looking at this thread ... and FFS don't do it. Please. Do something else, anything else. Don't let him hurt you anymore!
Right disappearing again now as head in a mess big time today!

OP posts:
Dessie12 · 22/06/2011 12:18

I second that blondie, it is so hard Fizz but you will be the one left wanting more after the phonecall, then it will all start again.
Thanks for the comment OMG, just re read our last email to each other (me and OM) and feel bad now, but have too much to lose if DH ever finds out.
I love the OM and he knows it, he has always known it and he manipulates me, he's far older and wiser than me see and I was very young when I got envolved with him.
However as much as I have feelings for him I will not allow him to ruin my life, cos' if I ever got back with him I would have NOTHING!!!
Sorry had to let that out,hope that everyone else is ok today??

SingOut · 22/06/2011 12:36

I was thinking about broodiness toady... Because I am getting majorly broody after the spate of baby and kid programmes on TV Grin And I was rationalizing to myself how being broody doesn't mean you should do anything about it - it's just a biological thing and although irresistible at times, there no sense behind it.
That's pretty much how I feel about my ex. Replace the word broodiness with the word 'love' or 'needy' and it's the same thing. Just because we love these people, or crave them - that's not a sign that they are right for us. It's not a sign that we're meant to be together. We just want them, is all. It doesn't mean we should get what we want. Or should do anything with how we feel. That's all it is - a feeling, albeit a strong one. Imagine if everyone in the world acted on every feeling they ever had!

Hope you're managing to be strong fizz, and that if you had a lapse you can get back on track to where you were before without beating yourself up. Self love has so many negative connotations, but honestly; the more you love yourself, the less you'll go begging for scraps from him because it's your only way of feeling valued and wanted. Give yourself the love you crave from him; you don't need him to feel good! :)

TheOriginalFAB · 22/06/2011 13:06

Fizz - don't do it.

I just got my phone bill by email. I could get his number from there and text him. I haven't. If I can do it, so can you. He doesn't want to talk to me about day to day things and said my husband is the one who is there for me so I shouldn't want ex to be. I hope he realises one day that he really loved me and could have been happy with me, instead of living with his wife who is "nice" but he doesn't know why he married her.

fizzfiend · 22/06/2011 13:11

You are all SO KIND! I didn't do it. And already I am imagining the stomach-turning regret I would have had. I promised myself to stay strong til I got a reply and you have seriously firmed up my resolve...And wow...it's quite a brilliant feeling.

I hope I can be here for anyone else that is tempted.

OMG - I hope you are okay..come back here often.
Dessie - you are so right...get back with him and I would have nothing too..in fact less than nothing because he would start messing with my head again
Sing - oh man, who needs counselling...you all said exactly what I needed to hear. Can't believe I allow myself to beg for scraps. I get more validation from the bloody goldfish!

fizzfiend · 22/06/2011 13:13

X post FAB...good going....it feels good. But being women, I bet we are all a tiny bit worried about hurting their feelings....how hysterical is that after all they have done to us to drive us to write here in the first place!

BUT: Staying strong!!!!

TheOriginalFAB · 22/06/2011 13:22

My worry was that by telling him I didn't want to talk to him any more would make him think I didn't care about him.

fizzfiend · 22/06/2011 14:42

How good do I feel...believe me, this is the first time I have not succumbed. What was I thinking? Again...thank you!

fizzfiend · 22/06/2011 14:45

And FAB....that is exactly what I was thinking when I almost called because other people know my news. But WTF? Go back and remember your heart splitting....sounds dramatic but mine did for a long, long time. Maybe it will be good for them to think they are not on the top of our lists these days...

SingOut · 22/06/2011 17:00

Ohh, good for you, fizz!
I had some good news today and reeeeeaaaaally wanted to email or phone him and tell him. He's have been the first person I contacted before. It's a hard habit to break, especially as I know he'd be delighted for me.

Luckily it's been so long since we've been friends on FB, I can share stuff there without half writing for him, even if only the time when I'd inevitably add him back, and be all 'See, this is what you missed when you couldn't see my wall!' Hmm I'm daft sometimes. Blush Grin
Anyway, I didn't contact him and the urge passed. Which makes me think it's always good to sit it out. The times I succumb are never measured, thought-out events. It's always on impulse, every time. Like a hideous shopping impulse buy that you instantly regret.

TheOriginalFAB · 22/06/2011 17:48

I am really shattered today and DS1 has been awful so I feel a bit vulnerable but I won't do anything and can't wait for dh to be home in the next half hour. Goodness, time really does fly when you are having fun ironing.

SingOut · 22/06/2011 18:09

It's telling isn't it, FAB, how we never yearn for them when things are calm and happy? Hope your day improves and you can have a glass of Wine and a cuddle with your DH when DS1 is in bed Grin

TheOriginalFAB · 22/06/2011 18:17

When I am happy I feel I can cope being his friend and text. Then I discover I can't cope then either. There will always be a sadness but also a big relief that I have managed to walk away.

SingOut · 22/06/2011 18:56

Oh totally - snap! I took me a good few goes at being his friend to realize it's only not having him in my life that gives me the energy back to then consider having him in my life once more. With him around, I was depleted, frantic and emotionally volatile as my day-to-day okayness depended on what he did (or didn't do). I always discovered I couldn't cope either, and always the hard way :(

hardshipuntold · 22/06/2011 21:32

im so fed up - if he really cared like he said he did how can he not message me ?

SingOut · 22/06/2011 22:18

Perhaps, because for him caring doesn't = messaging, like it does for you? :(

Blondie73 · 23/06/2011 00:15

hi all - its late so just going to bed but I'm having a v v low day as my boy was up til 3am last night!!! Stilll recovering from food poisoning and went back to work today to face OM.... he was messaging me and not listening to what I said about NOT contacting me... we ended up speaking on the phone and I told him in no uncertain terms that he must not contact me again while he's supposedly trying this whole "trying to make it work" thing... he was thinking we could still do the friendly thing and I told him that if he wanted to make it work with her and was serious, then we had to cut all contact even friendly contact. Anyway, so here I am again... v late, still not in bed, feeling like shite, wanting to contact HIM! God! I've resisted though.... have a whole soppy email written out and everything but haven't sent thank God! Problem is I know he's an absolute sucker for my soppy heartfelt emails, and its hard to stop myself from writing and sending them! Sad so.... I thought it best to post on here.... I will be going off to bed once I've done this, but I wanted to put this on here for the rest of you for whenever you see this post - this song, no matter how I'm feeling at the time, ALWAYS lifts me even if only for the time it takes to play, so here it is.... Enjoy!

Blondie73 · 23/06/2011 00:16

By the way! I'm not religious its just a great great tune!!! Grin

TheOriginalFAB · 23/06/2011 06:48

When I told him to leave me alone he did apart from once. A bit of me felt sad he wouldn't fight for me but I had told him to leave me alone. Each day goes by I think of him less and less and have never regretted all the deleting as he can't be what I want him to be though that is not his fault, it is because of how we feel about each other.

hardshipuntold · 23/06/2011 07:17

sod him !! i need to stop feeling like this

TheOriginalFAB · 23/06/2011 07:41

And you will but you need to put the work in.

indecisiveforever · 23/06/2011 07:44

I have only just read this thread, becauase it's suddenly dawned on me that this is exactly what I need :(

My DH had an affair 3 years ago, just before we moved 200 miles, and despite my best efforts I no longer feel the same about him - plus he's recently been back in contact with OW who now lives 6 miles away, meeting her etc, and lying about it. Anyway 8 months ago I got in contact with an old client from my old work, I knew he had always fancied me (known each other 10 years), and we started flirting (thats not why I contacted him though). We've met up twice, and I am a little obsessed now. OM never contacts me unless I contact him first, our usual contact is by email, and occasional texts, he is splitting up from his partner of 8 years. He started the spilt just after we got in touch, says he cares about me, is very fond of me, and clearly fancies me. I feel a LOT for him, especially with everything that is going on with stbx. I find myself getting desperate for reassurance from him, which makes me needy, then I regret my messages and try to apologise! I really, really need to stop, sent him a long email last night about how bad I was feeling over DH's latest tricks, which got a short, casual response, making me feel worse :(

I need to not contact OM, at least to see if he gets in touch with me. I don't want to get involved with anyone, its too soon and things aren't sorted with DH yet, but I would like to think that one day myself and OM might get it together properly. He says he cannot contemplate any other relationship for a long time, but wants us to stay as we are for now. Surely we are already having a relationship of some sort?

I need to be strong buts its so, so hard, he's the first person I want to talk to about stuff, and he can be so sweet and reassuring at times. I am chasing after something I'm not going to get aren't I?

Sorry that was so long. Need help :(

TheOriginalFAB · 23/06/2011 07:48

You are lucky in that you are newly into a destructive relationship so hopefully you have less to miss by not contacting him.

Think about why you want to hurt yourself or do you think you are hurting your husband?

How about you tell you OM that you would love to think you could be together in the future but you need to sort out things with your divorce first before rushing into anything else. If he is a decent man he will respect that and if you are meant to be together, you will be.

indecisiveforever · 23/06/2011 07:54

I am not hurting my husband - in spite of what he did to me, and the fact that he is seeing his OW again, he has no idea about this man, and although we are over and going through the details regarding splitting, I have no desire to hurt him. And I know its new, but its still 8 months, and because I've known him for so long it feels like longer :(
And yes, you're right - I absolutely should just tell him that I won't be in touch until I've completely separated from DH. The trouble is I'm trying to get him as a new client at my work, so would need to contact him professionally. And I should keep it that way - he would manage it - but I don't want to! Its so hard :(

TheOriginalFAB · 23/06/2011 07:56

You don't have too forever but you need to slow down a bit I think. You will only get yourself upset.