The no contact/texting/email thread

[cathkidstonbag]

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

MrsRobert..sorry to hear that..

OMG..we both decided to have a break. I have some big changes in my life at the moment - moving home - so I need to concentrate. still sad though.

MrsRS - well it sounds like you have a choice to make ... do you want to stay with your DH? I can't remember if you said you have children? Or if OM does? Obviously that makes it more complicated if you do. I think OMs wife is going to figure out soon that this is not over and you will need to be ready. It's a really tough time for you right now but you have 2 paths to choose from so you need to decide which is the way you want to go.

Fab - sorry to hear you are expecting bad news. I hope you find the strength to deal with it, I'm sure you will. And I hood it doesn't make you think of ex too much.
Onethatgotaway - did you send a reply???

That will be hard for you with no contact but think it will be for the best in the long run. Will give you time to sort your head out :)

Yes you do and you will be fine, it's all going to work out ok. Time with your family will help cement it all back together again.
Right off to bed now and going to be really brave tonight and turn my phone off and leave it downstairs. End of an era, I've spent almost a year checking for messages in the middle of the night. I can't keep doing it, I can't keep feeling so ill when I check and he hasn't replied. Got to be tough now and move on. Night all.

MRSRSMITH - so sorry - what a crap day. GO on holiday and try and switch of from him. try and concentrate on your dh. know its easier said then done.

Welcome headintheclous, i have only been here a few days but this is helping me so much....

well my NC has been a nightmare..... emailed him on sunday morning to ask how his saturday night out with his dw had been ( pathetic i know) Then he emailed back saying it was ok and sorry i knew about it, then i told him i had have enough of being hurt even if it was unintentionally and "we were done" (like the bit in love actully when he kisses her at the doorstep after being the carol singer...) that i wanted no contact.......ever....
then he emailed me a few times yesterday but i ignored it as much as i could.
This morning i get back to this: ::::::

hope you're doing OK. define OK......!
Hope that being at work is occupying your gorgeous head. I am so sorry for causing you so much hassle, unhappiness. I never intended to, honestly! and even if things had not worked out in the future, I never went out to "get what i wanted and toss you to one side". you are an incredible young woman. I love you, you're sexy, stunningly beautiful and so so wonderful.
Looking into your eyes and seeing the pain and hearing the tone in which you told me...... i am so sorry. It hurts so much not to have you in my life (in what ever form). know we both had incredible dreams / desires about the future, I know what my heart was feeling.......

I'll adhere to your wishes and not contact you. Just remember I never wanted this outcome to happen and the pain i am feeling i very deep. struggling to cope as i know you are.

wish you were in my life, wish I could make you happy.

know that I love you

.......Well what could i say...... i was heartbroken again, which just upset me again. But i did good and ignored it, received a text to see if got the emailed and i replied "yes" then a text back to say he would leave me in peace......

well i have another 4 emails tonight telling me he wants me in his life no matter what form, but to be friends is silly its got to be a clean cut i think.... hasn't it.....

thank you girls xx

tugs at the heart strings - you poor thing x

ijustdont aww. That's a very difficult one. wtf do you do now! Sending you a very unmn hug

I didn't reply to the text in the end. It's nice to feel in control now as previously I would've replied within a couple of minutes and then felt so annoyed with myself for appearing desperate. Plus I know he wouldn't have replied again.
Fab, I thought about what you said about how he made me feel most of the time and it was mostly :( and so that also gave me the sense to really think to myself do I want to go back to all that suffering again, just when life seems to be getting better? No, not really, he definitely wasn't worth it.
I have to work today so that is a good distraction and will try not to think about it all too much.
omg - hope your counselling session goes well, it will be nice to be able to let it all out to someone. Try and make an appointment for your GP aswell and go without your DCs.
Hope you all have a good day and keep up with the NC! :)

ijustdon't - ignore the email. I think actions speak louder than words and he needs to adhere to your choice. If he wanted to be with you he would make it happen. Mine wanted to give his child an unsplit home so has stayed with his wife. He won't leave her until his child has left home and also said he didn't know why he married her. He said he doesn't hate my dh like I hate his dw as he has me but she has him. Up himself or what? Yet he says he has no ego.

Morning.
I tried very hard to ignore ......... Sent one back saying goodnight and the received another long sad on this morning........

had 6 more emails today .... seems me telling him i want no contact is making him want me even more....... I do have immense feelings for him but like MRS i don't and wont give up my family for him. I may be stupid at some things but not that. I had a good think while at the gym today and noted that if i wasn't with dh then would i look at this man twice..... NO, he is completely what i am not and because of the EA thats why my feelings as they are.

He has even said in his last email that i deserve more as i have told him no contact and he is still pushing back, keeps heading the emails " cant let you go" think he wants he cake and eat it........

Hi there again - I know I said I would be back on last week to jump in, but by the time I was able to log on the conversation had moved on so much that I just didnt know where to begin! Anyway, I hope you don't mind if I come back in now?

In my last post I said he had left the office on friday saying "here goes nothing" by which he meant "the big chat and making it work". For some reason on Friday night I got it into my head his W was pregnant so I texted him to ask him outright, thinking that was maybe why the timing for him saying he had to stay and give it one more go... he replied back saying "Jesus no! and if she was it would be the immaculate conception!" I didnt reply back to that.

Anyway, I ate something bad (pizza!!) on Sunday night and got food poisoning in the night so wasnt in work yesterday. He found out through my friend I was off sick and texted me as soon as he found out to see if I was ok, so we had a few texts going back and forth yesterday afternoon (I didnt reply straight away when he contacted me at 9am as I didnt have the strength!! so I replied in the afternoon) just him concerned about me and being friendly. I didnt reply to his last one which was mid-afternoon...

Last night I re-read this entire thread and thought about our situation all over again and thought was I just ignoring what he had really been telling me - i.e. he didnt want to let me go, but had to to stop my suffering and he couldnt expect me to wait indefinitely, that at the moment all he could offer me was words... so decided I really should try harder not to be in touch, that he has made his choice to stay and TRY to make it work (TRY being his words).

I didnt think I'd hear from him again today, but as I was getting ready to take my son to nursery at 7.45am he texted me to say he would be late into the office as his DD had a sports day he had to attend - as I work with/for him its me he usually lets know if he's going to be late or off sick or whatever and vice versa. However, I'm still feeling ill today so have decided not to go in again today, so just replied back saying I'm still ill and won't be in and he should let someone else know. He replied back all concerned about me again.... I havent replied....

I just don't know what to do! I gave him this ultimatum, he took it and decided to stay - for the time being anyway. I had been trying to do NC last week, then we had that conv on Friday at work where he declared all his feelings again for me but that he owed it to his kids and himself to give it one more shot, and now he's being all friendly again and texting me - albeit not nearly as much as normal, and without all the xxxx's at the end of each one, but still.... I don't know!

My feeling is I want to ask if he had "the talk" with her at the weekend and how it was going, but I also feel its private between them - that I SHOULD just wait it out and see what happens, but in the meantime I'm a bag of nerves and feel so fragile (on top of the food poisoning!!) Can someone talk to me and talk me down? give me some opinions? How long would you expect it to take to realise if it was or wasnt going to work??

I just can't work it out in my head... he's never once got angry with me for being insecure and questioning him all the time, or getting angry with him and the situation... he only ever tells me how much he loves me... :( HELP!

I'm still listening to Adele on a loop! She seems to know exactly what we're going through!!! :(

Lastly, so so sorry for the length and detail of this post - I don't know whether I'm coming or going and felt I needed to say exactly what happened cos I'm in such a mess in my head I thought I'd probably say it wrong or leave something out (and I probably still have!!)

My advice would be to step back. Concentrate on getting yourself well and be kind to yourself. You are not being kind to yourself when you are tearing yourself up about texts. I want you to be where I am where thinking about OM is a shock, not an expected occurance.

Thanks FAB...I just feel scared about the future, and grieving I guess for the future he said we would have....

When he said on Friday that he WOULD be knocking on my door if he couldnt work it out with her, he also said he wouldnt be suprised if when he did I told him to get lost - I wouldnt do that, but didnt say that! But is he saying thats what any normal sane person would do?? I'm in such a mess in my head - if I grow a pair and tell him thats what I would and should do, he may decide its not worth it and stay with her whatever happens because of the kids, but if I don't he might think I don't respect myself enough and therefore neither should he!!! AAAARGH!!!

I know what you're saying FAB - but its not like I just sit in waiting around for him to get in touch - I'm out every weekend, I see my friends, I go shopping, eat what I fancy when I fancy it, on the weekends I have him I take my son out and about, organise play dates for him, have loads of lovely cugs (kiss and hug - his word!! bless him he's only two ...) I've just moved into a lovely new flat so have been occupied with sorting it out and making it a home for me and the little man, buying the furniture, putting it all together, gradually making it how I want it.... but all the time, in the background is OM... this sounds like such a cliche, but as soon as he walked into my dept 3 years ago it was like an invisible string attached at both ends to us... it feels like he is the other half of me.... God I sound pathetic don't I!!! :(

No, you are just a woman in love with someone elses husband .

Yes you are right.... I'm just a woman in love with someone else's husband... but you can't help who you fall in love with... I didn't set out to do this... I've never done it before, and was always quite and about others who have affairs, and would definitely, if I had a choice to do it over again, try NOT to! Hindsight is a wonderful thing, eh? Yes, I would want to be where you are now too - but i'm not... yet...

But you will be. It has taken me a long long time to get where I am now and many attempts and I was damn well lucky that DH stood by me.

and I did state before that all the way through this thing with me and him that I had said to him many times he should forget about me, go back and put it all into his relationship with her, make it work, MAKE her talk to him, MAKE her sit up and take notice, do whatever it takes to make the relationship better again, and it was always him who said he had been doing that for the last 3 years since his son was born, that he couldnt make someone do something they didnt want to do. I've tried to do the right thing many many times with him, he was always the one not to let me go... and seems again to be doing this, trying to keep the friendly contact going.... I'm just in so much pain I can't see straight! I'm trying my best to be strong! I promise!

FAB - just saw your last post - yes you were damned lucky your DH stood by you but I don't have that luxury - to have a wonderful DH/DP to turn to to try to redirect myself at. My OM IS that person. Without going into details, we have both, TOGETHER, been through the most horrendous year, and supported each other through all of it - he's the one, the one I want to talk to at the start and at the end of the day, he's the one I want to tell when something happens to me or DS, I miss his jokes and his smile, the feeling of his strength around me - strength he doesnt even know he has, but I feel it.

ijustdont - what did you mean when you said "he is completely what i am not"?

MrsR - I wish I had a DH that I still wanted to be with that I could TRY to redirect my feelings back to, and that I was not ready to leave either... I know its hard to forget someone, but at least if I had that other person it would be easier - I do everything I can to stay busy, I even avoid going to bed until the last minute to avoid lying there in the dark thinking about him! Hence me being so exhausted all the time - I go to bed late, then just as I'm drifting off it seems my DS wakes up!