The no contact/texting/email thread

[cathkidstonbag]

I know it can't just be me who is struggling with not contacting someone they shouldn't so wondered if anyone else would like to join in here and we can support each other?
I have a thread somewhere titled don't want to sleep with DH and my circumstances are on there. But basically I need to stop contacting a man who is making my life miserable. I emailed him on Sat ending all contact with a brilliant email and was so proud of myself :) He then replied and instead of it being horrible it was nice sweet charming and I replied back :( So cross with myself. In it I told him about something awful that had happened so expected at least some sympathy for that. I got nothing :(
I need to never contact him again. To be strong enough not to beg him for contact.
Anyone else needing support???

Hello everyone :) Thought it would make you all feel better if you knew I had royally screwed up over the weekend!
Despite all your advice I did reply to that email. Short, slightly offhand but not rude. I didn't apologise for having a go at him about the FB thing because tbh still not sure if I believe him. Anyhow he replied back and I replied and about 4 each (but just short) were exchanged. And it was back to us being friends and joking and ok again. He disappeared after I sent email number 4, leaving me waiting for an answer to something I'd asked him. That was Saturday afternoon and I'm still waiting. I even committed the stupid mistake of FB messaging v early this am to say I was waiting for an answer - still nothing. It was just a jokey thing, but yet again he's let me down.
Ended up chatting yesterday to a friend who is a counsellor. She's been saying for months it's partly my fault for being too needy but she now takes that back and thinks he's got some kind of MH issues!!!
So I need to get back on the NC wagon because he obviously can't maintain a friendship with me of any kind. And for some reason the only time he responds is when I totally lose the plot with him and turn into a stroppy bitch. Anybody got any ideas why that galvanises him into action?

Don't panic onethat - we have all done it, times many in my case.
You're in the best possible place for moral support.
Please don't be too hard on yourself x

omg - because he stands to lose you. Once he has you again, he backs away until the next stroppy/hysterical outburst. Mine was exactly the same.
He can only let you down if you give him the opportunity to, my love. No contact = no opportunity for him to let you down whatsoever.

Re being friends, my BR NC mailout has this to say about trying to stay friends:
"If you want to be his friend in spite of the fact that 1) you were never friends in the first place and/or 2) he treated you poorly in the relationship, I have to ask,

Why the hell do you want to be friends with this person?

If you want, need, or expect anything from your ex that you're cutting contact with, even if you don't express or acknowledge it, you have ulterior motives for wanting to be their friend

If you are no longer emotionally attached and have gotten over them and moved on, let's say 6 months to a year down the line, go ahead and knock yourself out. That is of course if they actually have qualities that make them worthy of actually being your friend.

If someone is good enough to be your friend, how has it got to the point that you need to cut contact?

Bearing in mind that you have cut contact, what makes you feel that they will be respectful of your boundaries when you become their friend?"

I'm still processing this info myself. It's starting to work it's way into my head, though :( Slowly.

Thanks everyone, it does help to know that you're not the only one, that's for sure.
Fab - you are right, I don't need his validation, I know it, so why do I keep putting myself back in the same position. I had a really good weekend, DH and I getting on so well now. Like you, I think the love is returning that I thought had completely gone, so I should be pleased about that and leave OM well alone. It just winds me up so much that he is in control of everything, why couldn't he just have replied with a simple chatty response? Its not like I was asking him anything serious.

I went out with very close friend this weekend who knows about my affair and she said the reason I fell for him in the first place was because he gave me attention and made me feel good about myself at a time in my life when I had very low self esteem. She also said FFS, see him for what he is, overweight, bald and not much money - what a catch, eh?!! At least that makes me laugh.

Anyway she also said it was so nice to see me back to my old self again after all this time, probably months of me moping about, feeling sorry for myself. Must be the prozac kicking in!

Next time I get the urge to text I'll just come on here instead for a group hug.

Singout - he was my friend before all this, for 18 months. There was something underlying and flirty to it but it was all so much fun. Then he pushed for more, I agreed and things were great until he obviously decided he didn't want that anymore. Well he's never told me that in so many words but he's either found someone else for that stuff or finds me too repulsive :(
That's what I want, I don't want the EA I want my friend back.
But he doesn't want me back :(
Feeling quite down. He doesn't want me and my DH doesn't either. Self esteem at all time low.

Oh god, just got a reply to the text I sent 2 and half hours ago! Jokey and friendly, what do I do now?

Aha, I know just what you mean omg. Tat must be so hard :( This happened to me quite a few years ago with what I thought was my best friend. Turns out he always thought of me as more than a friend (i.e, romantically) while I thought be were close friends for a long time before getting flirty. When I told him I didn't want a relationship he was gutted, but in eventually getting over me, what I thought of as a good friendship was lost. Because it had never been 'just friends' for him :(
Have you ever talked to him openly about the situation, and what you want? I doubt he finds you repulsive! But it shouldn't matter if he did; love yourself regardless, self esteem has to come from you, not from others.
:)

Ohh blimey, x posts. Have a think before you reply so you can be measured rather than impulsive. What do you want to do?

Onethatgotaway - think v carefully. Make him wait at least!
Singout - yeah I've tried to tell him what I want, he says that's ok but then defaults on it. The only time he listens is when I get cross and try and end it. I've tried to ask him why he's changed, he just says he doesn't have time anymore for me :(
Thanks for the chocolate - I need that today :)

Gosh, well I'd be kicking him to the kerb myself after that last comment of his, but I know it's not that easy when you love someone. My guess is you'll eventually get REALLY fed up and call time, but sometimes their bullshit has to build up for a long while before you get monumentally sick of it. In the meantime, distraction and being very good to yourself is the way to go :)
On that note, I'm going to go and do my accounts! Haha. Might have some chocolate too to make it more fun, mind...

Good plan singout, best not to act on impulse. Let him know what it feels like to get no reply aswell. I think I'm going to go for a run to take my mind off this.
OMG - I'm so sorry you're feeling so down. I know you are seeing a counsellor, but have you spoken to your GP about how down you are? I have been seeing mine and confided everything with her and found it such a relief. She didn't force me to go on ADs, it was a mutual decision. I felt as if I was a complete failure for needing to take them but now realise that's not the case. They have definitely helped to get my head straightened out and I don't feel like they are just masking all my problems, but they are helping me to sort my life out in a rational and calm manner. Even if you don't want to take ADs, it would be a good idea to talk to your doctor about how you're feeling. What do you think?

Onethatgotaway - no I haven't spoken to GP. Have thought about it tho but not sure I want to go down AD route. But maybe I need to really consider it. I can't seem to think straight at the mo. Bad enough dealing with one man like this but my DH is just as bad and I really can't see the wood for the trees anymore.

Singout - but as he said his family deserve his time I don't. Can't argue with that can I? Although the temptation is to stomp my feet and remind him how a few months back he didn't care about giving them his time. He knows I feel guilty about them so can't/won't argue with that. Still think 5 mins to send me a message every few days isn't a lot to ask tho ...

omg - As you said you may not feel ADs is the right route for you, but I would consider talking to your GP anyway, if he or she is any good, and they will be able to give you totally unbiased advice and support. Mine was so lovely and didn't judge me in the slightest for my affair. You shouldn't feel ashamed, you have done this for whatever reason , but you need to get yourself out of this predicament and try to get your life back to some sort of normality. I am worried about you losing so much weight, you need to start looking after yourself you poor mite, you sound like you are wasting away.
Now I am just sitting here wasting time when I said I was going running, and now it is raining! At least I haven't replied to the text.

Onethatgotaway - thank you for caring :) Been shopping today for new clothes and not able to buy anything because I'm too skinny. Finally found a pair of size 4 jeans that fitted. I've now become a coveted size zero - I look bloody awful tho. Last time I went to dr she was really nice to me, I'd developed excema which I've never had before and I have a stomach ulcer that needs strong mess. All stress related she told me and she asked if there was anything that was stressing me and I said no as I had my DCs with me. Think you're right, I should go back. Thank you.

Joining in late on the conversation. Day one of NC with OM. It's for the best, I know. But I'm so sad.

Onethagotaway - don't reply to the text. Allow yourself to say you will reply at 3.30pm tomorrow. Between now and then really think about whether this man makes you most of the time or and. That should help you decide whether to reply or not.

I have done pretty much all that has been talked about on here. Been needy, stroppy, loving, desperate, etc. Made no difference really. We are the same as we were when we were 17 . I am feeling so much better and only want him to text me so I can ignore him. He won't though.

If you are married to a man you don't love, sort that first. If you are single and OM isn't think about whether you want to try and have a relationship with someone who will never put you first.

I am trying to help so I hope no one is upset with what I have said but I have been where you all are and had an EA for over 2 years with someone I have loved since I was 14. Next year I will be 40.

I won't allow him to hurt me any more.

your doing a great job of helping fab

iknowmyheadsintheclouds
welcome
did you break contact or did he ?

Fab - thank you for all your advice. It's great to have you here as you've been through it and come out the other side :)
Counselling tomorrow - can't wait :) Only trouble is the last 2 times OM has emailed me while I'm there, he doesn't know I go it's just sods law! Last time the counsellor sat with me while I read it as I never know if they will be nice or mean. But it still messes with my head when I need to sort it!

I once got a text from me ex when at counselling and nearly fainted with shock. I decided to open it there and then as other wise I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on the counselling and also might have needed help if it was awful. I think he was just saying hello and asking how I was, signed with a x.

no contact today - only checked emails 4 times today ,i know he has a week off work this week and i know he will be busy with his wife and daughter
i dont want to be all needy because his wife is a nightmare for being needy( so he tells me )

how is everyone doing today ?

Sorry you are sad .

I am doing okay as I am past the worse though tmw will be hard as I am expecting bad news but tbh I think it is only in writing what I already know. It will make me think of him but not contact him (even if I could.)

You have to make a choice and then stick to it as the way things are now are not helping or good for you .