DH lying, tell me what to do next. Want solid evidence.

[Inmortal]

Around feb DH got a job which meant he had to travel to Peterborough every other week. It was higher paid and we really needed the money and the alternative was unemployment. I had no option but to be ok with it.
Everything was goiing smoothly, he'd go away for a week, come back for a week but was acting rather "not himself" when he came back but I put it down to the huge change in his lifestyle. All the travelling and staying away from home etc.
Then one night, my sister who lives in York called me and asked why DH was in York. I said he wasn't, he was in Peterborough so she said "I'm telling you, I've just seen him in Tesco". I told her it wasn't possible and it must have been someone else so reluctantly she admitted she didn't actually speak to this man so can't be 100% but if it wasn't him, he has an identical twin
I thought no more of it.
3 weeks later he's away again and a credit card statement came through the door. Normally I wouldn't look but gut instict told me to open it. I did. It all seemed ok apart from one transaction which was a book shop in York. He would have TOLD me if he'd made any detour to York but with what my sister said, I became suspicious that he was not being honest with me and I wanted so much to call and ask why he'd been in york but I just couldn't, I don't know why.
I let it go but when he came home I couldn't help but ask lots of questions about how things were in Peterborough. He became quite snappy and said he doesn't want to go on about work when he's at home and would I just drop it.
It had been on my mind ever since. This week he's away again, he went saturday night. This morning I received an email off my sister saying along the lines of "I know you don't want to hear this but I'd be a crap sister if I didn't tell you. I've seen (DH) again in York, it's definately him and he was holding hands with another woman." She described the woman, the clothes DH was wearing, the street, the time everything.

If I ask him outright he'll just lie and then make a better job of covering it up. How can I get solid proof? There must be a way.

I think you have solid proof.

You could just ask him what he was doing in york and see what he says?

What more proof do you need? You have the bank statement and presumably you trust your sister?

You have proof, what your sister said and the credit card statement.

If you need more proof than that then you need to ask your sister to take a picture of him.

I am really sorry about all this. Presumably you have the week to think things through carefully about what you are going to say and what you want. The most important thing is to be clear about what you want and need (which includes kids if you have them).

That would be proof enough for me.

Does he have to go away Saturday night for his job? Does he work weekends?

I want to catch him. I don't know, I just can't end it like this. I know it couldn't be any clearer but I can't just say "oh well, divorce on the cards then is it" I NEED to know what is happening. Car crash TV, I don't know what to do. I feel like I want to follow him or get my sister to follow him. I want to know where he's staying, what she knows about me. I don't know what to do next

Are they laughing about me over candle lit dinners? are we so skint because he's spending the money on her? are they sleeping together? using condoms? god it makes me feel physically sick. DS has been off school today and I can't leave the bedroom. I just can't face anything. I can't think about anything else I feel so sick and distraught. I'm frightened of what things will be like when he comes home, how will he act? he won't know that I know but now that I DO know how will I act?? I can't just act normal. I just want to go to bed and cry so much but I don't even know what is happening for sure yet. I'm still hoping there has been some mistake but I know how stupid that is.

I don't understand. Is he not working in Peterborough at all then?

I think it all sounds rather damning tbh. Sorry.

I wouldn't have thought your DSis would contact you and upset you in this way if she was in any doubt.

I don't even know if he's ever been to Peterborough. But why make up such a random place? why not tell me he was working in york? I still wouldn't have assumed an affair.

You don't really need proof. The fact that you can't trust him is grounds enough to re-evaluate him and his behaviour. Tell him you don't believe him and it's upto him to reassure you.

I agree with the others, you already HAVE proof. Wanting more 'proof' is just delaying the inevitable confrontation. Have you talked to your sister about it?

You have the credit card statement, you know your sister saw him in York, twice. He was holding hands with another woman.

What's wrong with asking him outright what he was doing in York? If he denies it you have the credit card bill and you also have an eye witness (who I presume you trust), you don't need to say it was your sister, just that he was seen twice in York and he has been seen with another woman.

YOu need to get some dialogue started and then you can decide what to do. The details of where he stays and what she knows about you are irrelevant - your husband is at the very least keeping secrets from you and probably lying to you about an affair.

What is the distance from peterborough to York. Are they near eachother? Is york the place you would go to shop if you lived in peterborough

It's absolutely miles away, completely oppsite direction so it's not as if he could have stopped in york on the way to peterborough

Could it be an internet transaction?

Phone him at work the old fashioned way

So sorry to hear about your situation and the inevitable stress it will be causing you. I completely understand and respect your need for evidence to support any major decisions you may have to take.

This isn't always popular on here, but can you get into his emails or phone? also what about your normal bank statements? - if he is trying to cover up a paper trail he'll be using lots of cash to pay for things.

Personally I'd keep my cards to myself until I had enough proof - only because sadly many men when faced with a confrontation of this nature will try and lie their way out, OR tell you that you are imagining things and somehow make it your fault - both things you can do without.
Good luck

Thats understandable, where does he stay while he is away working? Thats prob the best place to start because you dont know when he will be in york, and you cant really ask your sister to hang around the shops all day for a week. If your H has internet access you will prob find all you need to know on his computor history. But TBH Inmortal this isnt a route i would take.

Surely he couldn't have made up the job in Peterborough? You must have a contact phone number and address for him there, know who his employer is etc.

You have ample evidence to confront him. The chances of him being spotted are slim, but twice is too much to ignore. Plus there's the credit card statement, just in case he denies ever having been in York.

The next time he goes to 'Peterborough' why don't you go and visit your sister in York, and take a camera. Or at the very least get her to take a picture next time. He can't deny photographic evidence.

I'm going to text him and ask him what hotel he is staying at

Peterborough and York are miles and miles apart. No chance of popping up to York to get a loaf of bread.

So sorry to hear you're going through this Immortal, I agree with the others, you have your proof. I think you have to have the conversation you're dreading, hard as it may be. If he tries to lie you know you have the proof you need.

just don't show your hand to soon - sorry to sound so cynical

You have proof. What IS he doing then - does he even have a job in Peterborough? Is there definitely more money coming in? Is there anything else dodgy on the credit card statement?

York to Peterborough are connected by the mainline train - about an hour between them.

He has to be a huge kind of an idiot to have an open affair in the town where your sister lives - there had to be a chance she might see him - and it seems she has seen him twice.

I think I would remind him that my sister lives in York and see how he reacts. And take it from there - tell him that she has seen him and you want some honesty.

Ask to see his contract from he Peterborough job, pay slips - anything like that.

has he told you the name of the company he is working for? Have you seen a contract or anything. What is his line of business? Do you see his wages/salary coming into your bank?

And agree with finbar, you need to catch him on the hope, not let him get suspicious and tell you a pack of lies.