DH lying, tell me what to do next. Want solid evidence.

[Inmortal]

Around feb DH got a job which meant he had to travel to Peterborough every other week. It was higher paid and we really needed the money and the alternative was unemployment. I had no option but to be ok with it.
Everything was goiing smoothly, he'd go away for a week, come back for a week but was acting rather "not himself" when he came back but I put it down to the huge change in his lifestyle. All the travelling and staying away from home etc.
Then one night, my sister who lives in York called me and asked why DH was in York. I said he wasn't, he was in Peterborough so she said "I'm telling you, I've just seen him in Tesco". I told her it wasn't possible and it must have been someone else so reluctantly she admitted she didn't actually speak to this man so can't be 100% but if it wasn't him, he has an identical twin
I thought no more of it.
3 weeks later he's away again and a credit card statement came through the door. Normally I wouldn't look but gut instict told me to open it. I did. It all seemed ok apart from one transaction which was a book shop in York. He would have TOLD me if he'd made any detour to York but with what my sister said, I became suspicious that he was not being honest with me and I wanted so much to call and ask why he'd been in york but I just couldn't, I don't know why.
I let it go but when he came home I couldn't help but ask lots of questions about how things were in Peterborough. He became quite snappy and said he doesn't want to go on about work when he's at home and would I just drop it.
It had been on my mind ever since. This week he's away again, he went saturday night. This morning I received an email off my sister saying along the lines of "I know you don't want to hear this but I'd be a crap sister if I didn't tell you. I've seen (DH) again in York, it's definately him and he was holding hands with another woman." She described the woman, the clothes DH was wearing, the street, the time everything.

If I ask him outright he'll just lie and then make a better job of covering it up. How can I get solid proof? There must be a way.

What sort of 'cover' could he come up with to explain walking hand in hand with another woman in a town miles from where he should be working.

Fuzzpig, I am glad you said this as I was thinking the exactly same thing, York is a big town and the chances of running into someone twice seems mighty odd. Also why not not just say you had a new job in York? Good luck OP but if it was me I would be gathering more def proof. People seem to quick to jump and to the wrong conclusions, I do hope your suspicions are wrong

So sorry you are going through this. :( You will be in shock at the moment. Have you got any family or friends that can be with you for a bit to support or even look after your DS whilst you get your thoughts together?

I am also in the school of thought that you should do as much snooping as you can to get more evidence. As others have said if you let onto him now what you know he will have a week to come up with some story. I know you probably really want to call him and have it out but I am sure he will deny anything. I agree that getting in contact with his company or even arranging a surprise visit if you have someone to look after DS maybe the way to go.

Oh dear, sorry OP, it does all seem to be rather damning.

Can I ask though - why didn't your sister confront him when she saw him holding hands with another woman? I would have!

He works for a crane hire company. I called them and said his phone wasn't being picked up and could they give me a contact address. They gave me a site number in Peterborough and the address and number of the travel lodge in which they're putting him up.
My sister works in the centre of York, both times she has seen him has been a Sunday in the town centre.
So the job does exist. If I contront him now he'll just come up with some stupid excuse about york.

So there is a job in Peterborough.

Why isn't he coming home at weekends, is the job 7 days a week?

It sounds like he is working in Peterborough and is seeing OW at weekends and possibly in the week.

TBH there isn't really a sensible explanation for walking through a city, miles from where you are supposed to be, holding hands with another woman. But, I would drip-feed the information I have to see just how prepared he is to lie and to worry him about exactly what evidence you have.

As I thought, the job is real but he is seeing her on weekends. I'm not sure what excuse he can come up with for holding another woman's hand.

Unless you have access to his emails/facebook, you are not going to get more evidence unless your sister sees him again and that could take months. I don't see the point waiting when you already have the kind of hard evidence that most cheated on people never get. Forget about the fact that it is York and focus on the fact that he was seen being intimate with another woman. That is the only relevant fact here and he has no way of wriggling away from it.

If he is working in Peterborough why would he need to leave on a Saturday evening ? I meant to ask that before. If he is going to be away all week I would have thought he would leave as late as he can so that he can make the most of being at home.

Did you ever ask why he has to leave on a Saturday ?

Just saw he travelled up on Saturday and was spotted on Sunday.

Same question though....why is he travelling and away from home on the weekend?

My DH travels to where ever either Sunday night or early Monday morning when working away.

All I can add is that train service between York and Peterborough is super speedy

Can you somehow get the hotel to verify he is staying there?

true - you could easily commute from York to Peterborough by train - cost a lot though.

Not if you're booking in advance

Text him saying you've arranged a babysitter and his company has very kindly given you the address of his travel lodge so you're on your way up/down for a cosy night together. Suppose it would be better to do this on a weekend though if that's when he's apparently in York.

So sorry you have this worry, OP.

Is he getting paid the amount he told you he'd be paid?

Does he have a history of lying?

Does he drive? I'd be clocking his mileage and going onto the AA routefinder website and figuring it out.

What about his ordinary bank account? Do you share an account? If not, can you see his bank statements? Any money taken out from cash points will show up with the location.

Oh yes and is your sister reliable? (Mind you, she did say what he was wearing, didn't she?)

Lorenz, I wouldn't tell him that - I'd turn up.

OP, can't you phone the place he's meant to be staying and check whether he stayed there on the nights when he was seen by your sister? (Just wondering whether they'd say something to him, though.)

I am still in teh get more evidence camp - protect yourself against any suggestion that you are paranoid and that your sister is simply out to make trouble.
The York reference on the credit card bill will be explained away by him - instead take a look at your bank statements.

Do not show your hand until you need to and only when you are ready to

Don't tell him anything.

Does it matter if he comes up with some bullshit explanation? It's not like you'll believe it?

If you think there's a chance this is all some misunderstanding somehow (possible, not probably but possible), or just need closure, either way you need to tell him your sister's seen him and ask him for an explanation.

"sister saw you in York, why were you in York?" - if he denies he was in York you know he's lying because of the cc bill. So he's out.

TBH he's a bit stupid if he's carrying on with someone in the town his SIL lives in.

Finbar why does it matter if OP's H tells her she's paranoid? OP knows she isn't!

it matters i think because in an emotionally charged situation she may well feel on the back foot and I think he may well come up with all sorts of rubbish to throw at her. She is relying on someone's else's evidence and she doesn't want to be doubting herself for one second when hit all comes out

You can buy stuff over the internet and have the transaction come up as the town of the head office. That happened to me with something, I was looking at the statement and it said I'd bought something in Newcastle, was about to get onto the bank about it and realised it was the head office of a company I bought from online. Just saying -

Still, bit of a coincidence that he's been seen in York too

He could be staying at the hotel his company says during the week and staying with OW at the weekends. His employers may think he is going home at weekends while OP thinks he is working. Is there any way of checking up on this. He may not be staying at hotel at weekends so it may not be a good thing just to 'turn up' as he may not be at hotel. Just a thought. I'm thinking outloud.