DH lying, tell me what to do next. Want solid evidence.

[Inmortal]

Around feb DH got a job which meant he had to travel to Peterborough every other week. It was higher paid and we really needed the money and the alternative was unemployment. I had no option but to be ok with it.
Everything was goiing smoothly, he'd go away for a week, come back for a week but was acting rather "not himself" when he came back but I put it down to the huge change in his lifestyle. All the travelling and staying away from home etc.
Then one night, my sister who lives in York called me and asked why DH was in York. I said he wasn't, he was in Peterborough so she said "I'm telling you, I've just seen him in Tesco". I told her it wasn't possible and it must have been someone else so reluctantly she admitted she didn't actually speak to this man so can't be 100% but if it wasn't him, he has an identical twin
I thought no more of it.
3 weeks later he's away again and a credit card statement came through the door. Normally I wouldn't look but gut instict told me to open it. I did. It all seemed ok apart from one transaction which was a book shop in York. He would have TOLD me if he'd made any detour to York but with what my sister said, I became suspicious that he was not being honest with me and I wanted so much to call and ask why he'd been in york but I just couldn't, I don't know why.
I let it go but when he came home I couldn't help but ask lots of questions about how things were in Peterborough. He became quite snappy and said he doesn't want to go on about work when he's at home and would I just drop it.
It had been on my mind ever since. This week he's away again, he went saturday night. This morning I received an email off my sister saying along the lines of "I know you don't want to hear this but I'd be a crap sister if I didn't tell you. I've seen (DH) again in York, it's definately him and he was holding hands with another woman." She described the woman, the clothes DH was wearing, the street, the time everything.

If I ask him outright he'll just lie and then make a better job of covering it up. How can I get solid proof? There must be a way.

So are we all in agreement with the following

The job exists in peterbrough

the travel lodge is in peterborough

the job does not involve working sundays (but has liked to OP)

travels up on saturday to york to be with OW [perhaps staying night with her in york)

spends day with her on sunday - in york

goes to work in peterborough during the week as per normal?

BUT this is alternate weeks OP? i,e he is at home with you on the second week?

I agree with finbar. Take your time. Why is he not home at weekends? Have I missed that?

She will not be able to act normal though once she sees him no matter how she tries and then he will begin to plan his 'story' anyway. She does need to decide what outcome she is hoping for so that the ball is totally in her court. A lot of people do fall and confess at the first hurdle

Just pondering...so ignore if you wish...

Does your DH have a reason to have a connection with anyone in York (other than your sister)??

You may already know the other person, could it be a friend of a friend he was seen with?

Is there anything that links him to York.

Other than that, bank statements, phone bills, e-mail etc are your next port of call I think.

I like solid evidence I can wave about and get irate with rather than "You were seen...." the less wriggle room the better in these circumstances imo.

Why didnt your sister go up to him if she saw him with another woman??????

I think there is enough evidence though. Just being in york could be explained away but the other woman and being that close is pretty damning.She could be from work and they were in York to avoid workplace gossip

My brother was once in Rome was HORRIFIED to see my h ( who he knew was also in Rome) run up and snog an Italian woman. Was thinking " what the hell will I DO?!". Then luckily got another gander at him. And it wasn't. #justsayin
(reassured h was drunk with mates not seducing senoras)

anything = car parking ticket stub, receipt for something that had to be a direct purchase.

As others have said how did/does he travel from Peterborough to York. Receipts.

Does his mobile have to be surgically removed from him when at home?

Does he disappear in the garden/toilet to receive/send texts/calls.

Where is the book he bought??

I have been where you are. When you ask him , he will probably lie and you will doubt yourself. He will then become more discreet and it will be harder to give him the proof. You have the proof but don' t want to believe it. Actually what you are asking for is proof for when he denies it. And he will. A photo is best. Sorry you are going through this- it made me ill in the end. I wish i had got proof very early on and confronted him wiht it. I t is very hard to trust again when the trust is lost. So sorry x

I'd also open your own bank account and start putting whatever you can into it, just in case. If everything is OK then put it towards a weekend away together if not, then at least you have something.

"Oh hi love. You'll never guess who my sister saw the other day? Looks like he's got a new squeeze!... go on, guess?

No? No idea who she saw?

YOU! Spill now...."

Apart from the obvious, something doesn't seem right here.

Yorks a big place. It's extraordinarily unlucky to get seen twice by the same person in 3 weeks surely?

• What is his reason for going to Peterborough on the Saturday to start the working week?

-What day of the week has he been seen? i.e. could he be spending the week in Peterborough and the weekend in York?

• Assuming he's in York because that's where the OW lives (surely he wouldn't choose your sister's town for any other reason?) can you think how he would have met her - would his work have brought him into contact with women from York?!
• Would your sister usually give you information like that by email?

Inmortal, so sorry you're going through this. Take some time to get over the shock of all this. Look after yourself, cry, get it all out. But then its time to be practical. If you want more proof, photographs or catching him in rl are the most solid (assuming you feel strong enough). But you need to be protecting yourself. Financially, and health wise. If you are sleeping with him, you need to be checked out.

Always around to lend an ear if you want. Not sure I would be of much help. Lots of others seem better placed.

I don't really understand why people keep on saying she needs proof. Short of catching him literally with his trousers down, I cannot what further proof there could be.

Unless she doubts the information her sister has provided, which she hasn't given any indication that she does, it seems blindingly obvious what he has been doing and I'm not sure what acceptable excuse he could come up with.

I can understand the need to have all of the information - who is she, how long has it been going on, where do they stay, what have they done etc. But the only way realistically to get that sort of information is from the horse's mouth. How much information he volunteers (assuming he admits what he's been doing) will be a measure of the man and an indication of how much chance you have of salvaging your relationship.

Just thinking about how unusual it would be to be seen by the same person in a big city like york in the space of 3 weeks -

I may be way off the mark here but you sure your sister isn't trying to tell you more than she's letting on?

But then, I am extremely paranoid, cynical and untrusting.

Immortal, I've been away (to wash up!) since my post, but there is something troubling me about this.

Forgive me if I'm way off the mark, but how comfortable are you with your sister's involvement in this? It is a mighty big coincidence that your DH (possibly) choose to conduct his affair miles from home, but in your sister's town and that she managed to spot him twice.

I really wouldn't expect anyone, who had my best interests at heart, to give me that kind of information by email. Wouldn't your sister want to be there, or at least on the phone to offer a shoulder to cry on, or a sympathetic ear after dropping that bombshell?

Has she been in touch since, to see how you are?

What is your relationship with her like? How does she get on with DH?

Lorenz X-Post!

she needs proof becuase any man will jsut deny it and or turn it around so she looks mad.

everyone would do that

so she needs proof he cannot back out of

One thing that I thought about the sister was whether she has only seen him once with the other woman, but couldn't bring herself to tell the OP everything, so just told her she had seen him there, hoping that that would be enought to get everything out in the open. When that failed she added the extra bit of info but made out it was a separate sighting.

Assuming she is totally happy with her sister's info - how exactly do you explain being in a city, miles from where you should be, holding hands with another woman?

create I am also troubled by sister's information.

Why didn't she confront him - especially given that he was holding hands with another woman!!!

York is such a big city, what are the chances?

I'm just being very cynical and paranoid, but I am wondering about the sister's 'involvement'.

My DH just said the same things the last posters did.

• Why did your sister email you this info?

• Why didn't she confront him? Why didn't she contact you minutes after she saw him?

-York is a huge place, the odds of seeing someone twice, especially if you know your partners sister lives there, are so small.

York is a big city, however, the central shopping area is actually quite compact.

eurgh, I hate to say this too, but the first thought I had when I read it was - I think your sister's having the affair with him and she's guilty and trying to get out of it and so letting you know without dropping herself in it. You will know whether this could be true of your sister - it simply wouldn't be with mine, but I have mates where I'd believe it...