DH lying, tell me what to do next. Want solid evidence.

[Inmortal]

Around feb DH got a job which meant he had to travel to Peterborough every other week. It was higher paid and we really needed the money and the alternative was unemployment. I had no option but to be ok with it.
Everything was goiing smoothly, he'd go away for a week, come back for a week but was acting rather "not himself" when he came back but I put it down to the huge change in his lifestyle. All the travelling and staying away from home etc.
Then one night, my sister who lives in York called me and asked why DH was in York. I said he wasn't, he was in Peterborough so she said "I'm telling you, I've just seen him in Tesco". I told her it wasn't possible and it must have been someone else so reluctantly she admitted she didn't actually speak to this man so can't be 100% but if it wasn't him, he has an identical twin
I thought no more of it.
3 weeks later he's away again and a credit card statement came through the door. Normally I wouldn't look but gut instict told me to open it. I did. It all seemed ok apart from one transaction which was a book shop in York. He would have TOLD me if he'd made any detour to York but with what my sister said, I became suspicious that he was not being honest with me and I wanted so much to call and ask why he'd been in york but I just couldn't, I don't know why.
I let it go but when he came home I couldn't help but ask lots of questions about how things were in Peterborough. He became quite snappy and said he doesn't want to go on about work when he's at home and would I just drop it.
It had been on my mind ever since. This week he's away again, he went saturday night. This morning I received an email off my sister saying along the lines of "I know you don't want to hear this but I'd be a crap sister if I didn't tell you. I've seen (DH) again in York, it's definately him and he was holding hands with another woman." She described the woman, the clothes DH was wearing, the street, the time everything.

If I ask him outright he'll just lie and then make a better job of covering it up. How can I get solid proof? There must be a way.

You have proof. He is not very discreet surely he knows your sister lives there?

and if your sister has a camera on her phone, then she can get a pic as proof, considering she has seen him twice already.

throckenholt, that is what I thought.

They are 130 miles apart, and unless he doesn't know your sister lives in York?

Have you seen any payslips/an increase in your income? Could you call his company and say you need to get in touch with him? See what they say

I'd still get more- and sadly there will be more...just to preserve my sanity.
There's too much chance that he will write the sisters sighting off as her imagining things, and the credit card receipt on something else - equally as implausible, but as long as he acts like he believes it then the OP will be made to feel she has nothing

How odd that he said he was going to Peterborough. Why didn't he just say York to begin with? And why wouldn't he be more cautious, knowing your sister lives there? Something doesn't add up here...

I am so sorry for you but you must deal with this ASAP. I would send an email asking him what the weather is like in York this week and then turn off your phone so he can stew for as long as you can bear it. Try and remain calm and get some answers.

Yoiu have solid proof - if your sister has seen him again she keep an eye out on him and take a picture from her phone. It doesnt sound good.

What company does he work for? Can you try ringing them ask to speak to him and they should tell you where he is, say its an emergency

Please just ask him outright. If he denies it, tell him what your sister saw. It's best out and dealt with. You will only drive yourself crazy trying to get more evidence, you have enough.
Best wishes.
X

do you have access to his online billing (mobile phone contract?) if he has one or email account?

Inmortal - please be reassured to know that YOU are in control here. He does not suspect you know anything. You can take all the time you need to decide what is best for you

aislin - he will then just lie to her surely? Then the OP thinks all is well and off he goes again being the twat that he is.

Lots of evidence is what is required, then go for the jugular.

Why don't you just ring him and tell him you know? Why all the game playing etc He has betrayed you and you have every right to ask for answers!

I think it is possible for him to worm his way out of the sightings and book receipt. So yes I would want further evidence before i confronted him.

Contacting his work would be a start. confirming that he is/nt in Peterborough.

Where does he stay when he is in Peterborough? Is his accommodation paid for by him or the company?

And how far are you from york and peterborough? Surprise visit?

I don't think it's game -playing. I believe that knowledge is strength in this instance, and the OP needs all she can muster having been confronted with this awful situation in case he tries to lie his way out or just go to ground for a while

I would first contact his work asking for a number you can reach him at.
Awful situation.

Do you have access to his email/Facebook/phone bills online?

How does he behave at home with his mobile phone?

Definitely don't text him implying that you know - gives him plenty of time to think up a cover story. Any confrontation should be face to face with no advance warning.

If my sister told me my DH was seen in similar circumstances then I'd take it with a pinch of salt...I have learnt the hard way that my sister tells lies...often.

That said, my first action would be to check my DH actually did have a job in Peterborough....if he has maybe he had a day trip to York as a work jolly...if there is no job in Peterborough then would be the time I'd really start digging about.

How you proceed to me really does seem to hinge on how much you trust your sisters' sightings in York.

Have you posted on this situation recently, I am sure I've read something v similar?

If not - and if anyone else can drag it out of their memory - I think this has happened before and there was a thread with a lot of advice in it which could assist.

Come on ladies, help me out, I KNOW there was something

I agree that if he is being sneaky and elusive he could try and wriggle out of this one, and at worst start gaslighting you which in your current state would be awful.

I think you should go with the suggestions above and contact his company in Peterborough to get hold of him. When did yoursister spot him? Was it at weekends? Was the book bought at a weekend? Could you call the book store and ask if they do internet deliveries direct from the York store and if they do would the transaction come from York or a head office? Say it is your credut card bill and you may be being a bit forgetful but you can't remember the transaction?

If it is weekends he is working why not suggest going up to stay with him for one weekend at work and keep him company during his off work hours in the hotel/lodging etc?

Aside from this start preparing yourself mentally for confrontation. How will you remain calm, what do you want to do if it's true?

It could be that everything you knew and trusted is a lie. Perhaps he would never have lost his job in the first place, it could be that Peterborough is the closest to York he could find to start feathering his new nest.

She may know about you, but it will be some made up wife doesn't understand me, never has sex with me, treats me badly view that makes her open her arms to him, or perhaps she knows nothing.

One suggestion if your sister sees him again, that she calls you, keeps you on the line, goes up to him and says hello, and asks him what he is doing there and who the lady is with you on the phone in her hand listening. Then if it is an instant mistake it will be over and done with. Other wise she can hand him her phone tell him it is the wife and take it from there. She can guage the other womans reaction too.....

So sorry for all this sweetheart, stay strong for your family x

I suspect he does have a job in Peterborough (otherwise he would have just said York) but he either goes up to York on weekends to see the OW or he commutes daily from there (the East Coast mainline is pretty quick between York and Peterborough - 1hr or so).

He is definitely having an affair, you have all the evidence you need.

I wouldn't even bother with trying to trick him and I wouldn't suffer another evening of angst waiting for him to come back. Call him tonight and tell him that you know he has been seeing another woman and if he denies it, tell him that he has been seen more than once so there is no point trying to deny it. Don't tell him any more than that (he will demand that you do). Tell him he needs to come home now to discuss this otherwise when he returns the locks will have been changed and his possessions will be in black bin bags on the road.

I was going to mention the east coast mainline too.

No, I really wouldn't tell him now. You'd be giving him the chance to come up with a cover. I'm with the 'get more evidence' crew on this one.

It's a bit weird though, your sister seeing him twice. Does she work in the town? York is quite a big city isn't it?

:(

Does he travel by train or car?

If car, I would check and make a note of the mileage

I would speak to him in person.

I would first ask him about the credit card statement and say "I didn't realise you'd been in York."
Let him come out with some bollocks excuse.

Then say, "that's weird because my sister saw you in the supermarket on [date he was seen ALONE]"
Let him come out with some more bollocks

Then drop the bombshell that he has been seen with his OW and by then he should realise he is so up to his neck that he might show you the respect you deserve and tell you the truth.

Don't be afraid to imply that you have other info up your sleeve if this doesn't fully do the trick.