DH lying, tell me what to do next. Want solid evidence.

[Inmortal]

Around feb DH got a job which meant he had to travel to Peterborough every other week. It was higher paid and we really needed the money and the alternative was unemployment. I had no option but to be ok with it.
Everything was goiing smoothly, he'd go away for a week, come back for a week but was acting rather "not himself" when he came back but I put it down to the huge change in his lifestyle. All the travelling and staying away from home etc.
Then one night, my sister who lives in York called me and asked why DH was in York. I said he wasn't, he was in Peterborough so she said "I'm telling you, I've just seen him in Tesco". I told her it wasn't possible and it must have been someone else so reluctantly she admitted she didn't actually speak to this man so can't be 100% but if it wasn't him, he has an identical twin
I thought no more of it.
3 weeks later he's away again and a credit card statement came through the door. Normally I wouldn't look but gut instict told me to open it. I did. It all seemed ok apart from one transaction which was a book shop in York. He would have TOLD me if he'd made any detour to York but with what my sister said, I became suspicious that he was not being honest with me and I wanted so much to call and ask why he'd been in york but I just couldn't, I don't know why.
I let it go but when he came home I couldn't help but ask lots of questions about how things were in Peterborough. He became quite snappy and said he doesn't want to go on about work when he's at home and would I just drop it.
It had been on my mind ever since. This week he's away again, he went saturday night. This morning I received an email off my sister saying along the lines of "I know you don't want to hear this but I'd be a crap sister if I didn't tell you. I've seen (DH) again in York, it's definately him and he was holding hands with another woman." She described the woman, the clothes DH was wearing, the street, the time everything.

If I ask him outright he'll just lie and then make a better job of covering it up. How can I get solid proof? There must be a way.

oh why does this happen! Post for support then disappear! I know she doesn't have to return to the thread of course, but it would be nice to see that she is ok.

itsohso???

i never said you did say that. But other people have suggested that the sister is secretly having a fling with the brother in law and covering her own tracks. One of the reasons they gave for believing this is because the sister never said hi to the BIL...

I said maybe she just didn't want to speak to him...doesn't mean they are having an affair...

never mentioned you at all..i was just giving my opinion as to why the sister never spoke to the brother.

wonder if the sister is married?

Those who are saying the OP has left the thread - she posted less than 24 hours ago and right now is probably feeling very awful and just possibly rhe first thing on her mind isn't updating here.

moonbeam I thought you were talking about me. sorry

anyone think the sisiter may be more involved ? is SHE the other woman and she is trying to let her sisiter know?

ahh, i see this has been suggested - sorry
OP - I hope i'm wrong

dropdead - it does beg the question

I guess anything is possible but I think it's extremely unlikely.

I just wondered why she didn't talk to him in Tesco when he was on his own. If I saw anyone in my family or anyone I work with in Tesco I would at least go over and say hello.

By the sounds of it he wasn't too far away from her because she was convinced that it was him or his identical twin.

But I do understand her telling her sister by email. It is such a big deal that I know I wouldn't feel comfortable saying it face to face or over the phone and I would perhaps do the same thing.

Itsohsoquiet, maybe because the sister knew the husband would have been working in another town a hundred miles away?

itsosoquiet - yes you're right if he was on his own I'd speak to him, if he was with OW, my intitial reaction might be embarassment/not knowing what to do.

TBH I don't think I ever thought the sister was OW, just that the sister's story doesn't quite add up. Maybe she did see her BIL once and knows that the whole Peterboroguh story can't be right (why go on Sat?) Maybe she doesn't like her BIL and she's embelished the story a bit?

Any update OP ?

Hey Immortal, just read you post and it sounds like you already have some solid proof and I think you need to confront your DH.

Hope you OK and come back to us soon

So sorry to hear this, it doesn't sound good. Too many coincidences at this point.

Sounds like you do have proof but I'd also look at his emails and phone statements to confirm it and put your mind at rest. If all else fails, get someone to look after your kids, drive up to the hotel and ring him from around the corner for a chat. Ask him what he's up to, if he says he's at the hotel then tell him you are outside and you've come to surprise him and take him out for a meal. That's one way of seeing if he's telling the truth. You could also take a trip to see your sister and visit the place she's seen him. All depends just how far York is from your house and if that's possible.

If you do decide to confront him, keep all your cards close to your chest. If you discolse all your evidence there are holes he can wriggle out of. In my experience a DH will never admit to anything if he doesn't think you have solid proof of. My DH had an affair and he swore blind they were 'just friends' up until the point it was obvious I knew A LOT about what was going on. Some of which was good bluffing on my part.

Tell him you KNOW he's been in Youk with another woman, don't ask him if it was him TELL HIM!! Don't tell him how you know, just tell him you have evidence he was at 'such n such' a place being intimate with a woman and describe her. Don't tell him it was your sister who saw him. If he asks how you know, just tell him that's none of his business and he's been busted having an affair!! Remember tell him!! Act very VERY confident and this way he won't quite know how much you know, and it'll be safer for him to fess up than look more of a lying so n so.

I do hope it's all a misunderstanding tho, and in a very non mn way have a hug

i hate it when the OP does a runner, we spend time after time reading threads asking for support and advice, spend our time typing up a reply with advice and support and then the OP pisses off.

Thanks

Her life COULD have been turned upside down or anything. She might have more important things to be thinking of than us lot.....Hope OP is OK.

M0naLisa i know what you mean, but it is someone life and you never know how things have turned out. they may not want to reveal anymore online

My guess is that the sister saw him with another woman the first time but didn't want to tell the OP so just mentioned seeing him in York in the hope that the OP would ask her DH about it and it would all come out from there.

Actually I don't understand why the OP didn't mention it to her DH after that first sighting, because you would mention it wouldn't you? Even if it was a joking "Sis reckons you've got a twin walking around York haha" or something along those lines??

I don't understand why the OP would doubt the word of her sister unless her sister isn't actually credible.

Maybe the person who is telling her isn't her sister but an old friend/distant relation or someone she wants to give some credibility too, but won't actually give her the credibility herself?

If my sister said something like this, I would believe it as truth, but that is because my sisters and I are incredibly close. We are ALWAYS talking to each other no matter if we're in the same room or if we're in different countries.

Immortal I hope you're ok and getting to the bottom of what your husband has been up to. It does seem strange that your sister told you this news by email.

Mona, you do not know what has happened over the last 48 hours in the OP's life. Updating Mumsnet may not be her number 1 priority if her life is falling apart. I am sure she will come back if and when she is able.

Maybe the OP and her sister only talk via email.

If I saw a friends partner out with someone else i wouldnt confront them so why should the sister?

idk.

perhaps my relationship with my sisters is atypical, but we'd never commit the crime of something like this over email. It would be done on the phone/in person the second it happened.

I think women who leave us in the lurch like this should be sued!

Hi op! So sorry your going through this!

Just wanted to add I live in peterborough so any assistance you may need let me know via pm!

There are 3 travellodges in peterborough!

Poor you op. I hope you're ok............