DH lying, tell me what to do next. Want solid evidence.

[Inmortal]

Around feb DH got a job which meant he had to travel to Peterborough every other week. It was higher paid and we really needed the money and the alternative was unemployment. I had no option but to be ok with it.
Everything was goiing smoothly, he'd go away for a week, come back for a week but was acting rather "not himself" when he came back but I put it down to the huge change in his lifestyle. All the travelling and staying away from home etc.
Then one night, my sister who lives in York called me and asked why DH was in York. I said he wasn't, he was in Peterborough so she said "I'm telling you, I've just seen him in Tesco". I told her it wasn't possible and it must have been someone else so reluctantly she admitted she didn't actually speak to this man so can't be 100% but if it wasn't him, he has an identical twin
I thought no more of it.
3 weeks later he's away again and a credit card statement came through the door. Normally I wouldn't look but gut instict told me to open it. I did. It all seemed ok apart from one transaction which was a book shop in York. He would have TOLD me if he'd made any detour to York but with what my sister said, I became suspicious that he was not being honest with me and I wanted so much to call and ask why he'd been in york but I just couldn't, I don't know why.
I let it go but when he came home I couldn't help but ask lots of questions about how things were in Peterborough. He became quite snappy and said he doesn't want to go on about work when he's at home and would I just drop it.
It had been on my mind ever since. This week he's away again, he went saturday night. This morning I received an email off my sister saying along the lines of "I know you don't want to hear this but I'd be a crap sister if I didn't tell you. I've seen (DH) again in York, it's definately him and he was holding hands with another woman." She described the woman, the clothes DH was wearing, the street, the time everything.

If I ask him outright he'll just lie and then make a better job of covering it up. How can I get solid proof? There must be a way.

Immortal , do you think you'd be able to make the apparently airy and light suggestion to go to York for a weekend to visit your sister and see how he reacts?

Afraid I too think your sister knows more than she is letting on.

I'm sorry Immortal - your DH's behaviour does seem worrying. Can you check his phone log or bank statements ?

Why did your sister not say hi to him the first time she saw him in Tesco and ask what he was doing in York?

Why would you walk straight past your brother in law and then call your sister that night and tell her?

It doesn't quite add up to me and I would want more information before deciding what to do. Don't let on to your husband that you know anything for now.

The middle of York isn't that big (I live v near York). Although the big Tescos are round the edge of it although there is a smaller one in the middle.

And York to Peterborough is about 1.5 hours on the train and if you book tickets in advance it isn't too expensive.

I have to admit it really doesn't sound great :(

You have the address of the hotel in Peterborough vwhere dh is supposeed to be staying.
Instead of telling him you are coming up to visit, just turn up as a 'suprise'.
When you get to reception and find he's not there, phone him and say 'Hi, how are you, where are you, how's room service, etc.' he will say he is at the Hotel. You then say 'That's strange, cos I'm standing in reception right now, and they say you're not here......long pause as he struggles desperately to think of what to say.

Also, has it ever occurred to you that the OW might be your sister? just how close are you to her? She may have tried to force your DH to confess previously, he will have held back, now she wants it out in open and is forcing the issue.

The chances of her bumping into him in a place the size of York is just too weird.

This will turn into a horror story if the OW is the OP's sister.

She knew what he was wearing, didn't she? I wonder why she didn't speak to him the first time, when he was on his own? Did she explain?

Could you tell him next time he is away that you're going to go away to visit your sister in york? The same saturday he goes? Maybe suggest you travel part of the way together?

Why don,t you ring your sister for a chat

Very much in 2 minds about this, I do think it's odd that the sister didn't go up to her BIL when she saw him - why on earth would you not? But I would also say that the centre of York is really not that big. I went to university in one of the nearish cities and used to go there a lot for some "head-space" and regularly bumped into people I knew, so I don't think the 2 sightings is necessarily that unlikely.

I would have to confront him now though, I would simply not be able to act normal when he comes back home

The OP has proof via the credit card statement, that and the sighting of him, and the fact he doesn't work Sundays but says he does is sufficient proof that he is up to no good

The OP said that her sister called her after the first sighting, and emailed the second. A small but important difference maybe?

Where are you OP? Did you get some sleep, do you have someone to be with you in RL?

There seems no doubt that you DH is lying about his whereabouts for some reason and that you sister may or may not be involved. Is it possible he went to York because they have a specialist bookshop he wanted to use? Ok clutching at staws!

I don't think it's that odd that she didn't speak to your DH when she saw him - I'd have probably been too chicken too

I think the idea of a trip to see your Dsis is a good one. e.g suggest to DH & Sis that your weekends at home on your own aren't the best and travel up with DH as far as Peterborough, then on to spend the weekend with your sister. You can then see the reaction of both of them.

Give them as little notice as possible, perhaps have the "idea" just as he's leaving?

create why wouldn't you talk to your brother in law if you bumped into him in tesco and he was on his own? seems slightly odd

Another example of MN being asked for advice and totally making up their own version as you go along. Where on eart do you get the idea that he is having an affair with the sister?

Why not just try helping OP on the facts she has given rather than making it ten time worse in her head?

Inmortal, if i were you i would ring your sister. Have a chat and take it from there. If she saw it was him and is 100% sure then she was probably too upset to have to say it over the phone and wanted to give you all the info and felt email was better way to do it. She is probably hoping and praying you will ring her now to talk to her (if you haven't done already)

I hope you get this sorted Inmortal :)

Where are you OP?

Where are you OP?

why wouldn't you talk to your brother in law if you bumped into him in tesco and he was on his own?

I wouldn't talk to mine because I can't stand him!

well i wouldn't have spoke to him because i would feel loyalty to my sister and want to give her a heads up rather than give him time to make up a story.

where has the op gone?

moonbeam when she saw him the first time he was on his own and she would have had no reason to suspect anything was wrong.

OP are you ok?

Hope she is Ok.

Another op to do a runner

itsohso...maybe she just didn't want to talk to him?

Doesn't automatically say she is the one having the affair with him does it?

bit of a theme lately Mona!!

moonbeam I never said she was the one having the affair and I don't believe that for a second.