awful :(

[napoleona]

Massive row tonight. Been brewing. We cannot talk. We cannot communicate. I'm torn between saying its over or trying to smooth things over, but it always comes back to this. Is it better just to call it a day. Feel really sad. He thinks I've changed since having our dc. Doesn't like the me i am now. I admit to feeling and acting distant. Maybe its just over.

Have you tried any form of relationship counselling? Maybe talking with someone impartial there would help you talk things out?

I went once to relate. He refused. Thinks it'd be a waste of money. I feel so low, really bad.

I think you need to tell him at a calm moment in time that you have become distant because you are not able to communicate with each other anymore. Tell him you are willing to go to relate to try and change that but he needs to be willing to come along as well.

Does he really want your marriage to be over? Ask him.

Tonights row was over me taking too long to put dd to bed. Then my fb status, then me getting a dvd for him to watch when I'm supposed to be out tomorrow. He never listens to me. If I am down or sad, I'm 'feeling sorry for myself '. Think its over. Poor kids.

I will try talk to him in the morning. We can't talk tho, tonight was shouting and not listening . I swore. It was horrible.

Napoleona, I've been where you are now. DH NEVER listened to me. Mostly spoke over me too. Got to a point where one day I just walked. Packed a bag for me and DS and left. Took us over a month to be able to talk without yelling. Then we went for counselling (you've said he won't but he might if he thinks he'll lose you if he doesn't)

Took us 6 months to get it straightened out. We then went on to have DD 10 months after we got back together, and next year we're celebrating our 10 year anniversary

IF you want it to work, don't write it off just yet. Keep trying, if he wants it too, you'll sort it

I have made a list, dh still asleep. This is what I think our issues are: I'm too manic, want to do things while dh wants to watch tv, relax. We have no sex, no intimacy. I have a routine which I tend to stick to, as I work and have dc it helps me but dh hates it. He drinks way too much. He finds me controlling. I think he picks on me, critical of me and yrt doesn't listen to me. He thinks im too soft on ds. Would relate be the best thing or if he won't go could we work some of these out. Ourselves?

I take it your kids are pretty small. Life is very stressful at this point and it doesn't sound as though you should split. It is one of the hardest parts for a marriage to get through.

We have my ds .16 and our dd 4 .dh up now and said it is all his fault? Its not. This is a pattern. We always make up after a row but it comes back as nothing resolved. I said we need to talk. He agreed.

Hi napoleona... god how awful but know exactly how you feel.. going through and still am with this awful situation, had posted previosely ...Need some advise... please.., its not easy we both DP and myself know there is a problem, I just dont want to put DS who is 5 throught us splitting up but then he will grow up & have his opwn life one day and leave and then what... feel we would just end up looking at each other with nothing in common.. god how sad I feel too... let us know if you end up going to councelling.. I am going to ring one in my local area on monday as need to speak to someone as feel I am going mad!!! xx

Well, if he's prepared to accept his part in the rows, and you've already admitted yours, there's hope. Neither counselling nor self-help stand any chance at all of working if only one of the partners is interested in making a change.

This book is quite good if you want to work on things at home rather than taking valuable time and resources at Relate (and if one of you finds it harder to open up in front of a stranger). You can always do the counselling thing later if it doesn't help.

Thanks. Problem is, we both admit we are in the wrong, after an argument. Everytime it gets really bad, we say we must be more honest with each other, mustn't stew on things. But nothing changes. The last 2 Xmas 's he has threatened to leave so that shows u how long this has been going on.

I went out tonight to a party, dh didn't want to go. I would love for our kids to enjoy themselves as I saw other peoples kids do tonight, with us both there. How depressing.

well, we havent talked yet, its like we have both given up, so i guess thats it. we are avoiding each other. i have just been offered a new job, which would mean full time hours, i dont think i can take it now. still, have to try to sit down and talk sometime, when?? with a little one and a teenager its difficult. i will need to move too, as i cant afford the rent/bills. some things are just not repairable are they? there's been so much resentment. both ways i mean. does anyone think a trial seperation is best at first?

Gonna stick my head out and suggest something. Have you considered that it's not you who is controlling, it's him?

Take a look at this link

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Be honest and how many of those things can you say yes to? It is possible that your behaviour is a repsonse to his iyswim. I don't know about your behaviour but it certainly sounds like his is abusive towards you.

Take a look and see what you think and we can take it from there.

Thank you for the link, but it doesn't really fit his behaviour apart from the walking on eggshells, and he does have issues sometimes with what I wear etc , he is paranoid when drinking. He is more of an addict, he has past drug addictions and alcohol. This is partly why we don't go out together socially. He won't go now as he knows he will get embarrassing and obnoxious. This weekend he has not eaten. When I ask him would he like to eat, he says I'm controlling. He is in the gym everyday. He does control some things I suppose, by criticising my ideas. I told him there is a huge gulf between us, he agrees I think. Sorry I'm not making sense.

I think it is over. I'm sorry :(

The fasting and the daily gym are addictive behaviours - I assume you know that, as you linked them with his prior substance abuse. Obviously being fit and not eating aren't addictions in themselves, but an addict will take things to extremes - his defensiveness confirms that these aren't rational behaviours.

Serial addicts are usually very 'black-and-white' people, which makes it hard to conduct an emotionally rich relationship with them. Their primary relationship is always with their substance or behaviour, not with their partner. For some, the partner becomes their 'substance' for a while; this can be very confusing to live with. Addicts are usually trying to hide from some aspect of themselves, often an abusive past. Since they go to such lengths to avoid taking ownership of their issues, it's impossible to do this for them - you can't control or cure an addict.

Although your relationship now sounds very sad and stressful, Napoleana, it also sounds as though you are still capable of communicating and have some concern for one another (and your DC). It's probably best to have a compassionate talk about how best to break up. I feel for you. Hope it goes well.

Thanks, yes I think I was his addiction for a while, then our dd, now he fills himself with alcohol, gym, smoking. He chain smokes. I am going to try speak to him, when he gets back from gym, whenever that may be. Whenever he drinks, which is everyday, it is like being alone.

ok, fair enough but tbh I think life is too short to carry on like this. Maybe you need to be honest with yourself and think about what you want for you and your dd. Then be realistic aobut how much your H can change and then decide if it's worth it.
At the end of the day, life is too short to waste it being miserable. Sorry to be blunt, but I only want to show you that your life can be happy and doesn't need to be like this

Thanks humpty,yes I agree. When I said talk to him, I mean to tell him its over. I can't see another way realistically, as he won't get help with me. Although he no longer does drugs,vhe is still ruled by addictions. It's a very stressful thing to live with. I'm tired of it.

Well, so far I have bottled it. We can't talk at all. The atmosphere is awful. I am in bed feeling unwell. He has a day off work but is going gym. I'm scared so much of hurting the kids, him. What if its the wrong decision.

We have spoken, I have told him I need time to think now, he has told me he thinks I have my head up my arse esp with regard to him smoking weed, which he feels is a good way to relax. He wants us to carry on but be moreconsiderate to each other. I don't want to just put a sticking plaster over the issues, we haven't been getting on for so long. He has gone gym, I have to decide what. I want once and for all.

Someone give me a nudge, tell me to be brave, this needs doing, I'm just wimping out.

sweetheart, what is he talking about being more considerate to eachother?????

That's ridiculous

< nudge!

Would that 'being more considerate' involve you getting off his case while he immerses himself in avoidance strategies? That sounds like fun