awful :(

[napoleona]

Massive row tonight. Been brewing. We cannot talk. We cannot communicate. I'm torn between saying its over or trying to smooth things over, but it always comes back to this. Is it better just to call it a day. Feel really sad. He thinks I've changed since having our dc. Doesn't like the me i am now. I admit to feeling and acting distant. Maybe its just over.

When I said help and reassurance, it is as important for YOU to accept that he will be OK, as it is for him. It is likely that he will go through a crisis but you must let him, and tell yourself that he'll be fine. Once you accept he'll be fine (eventually) he probably will be too. It's a bit of a bluff, but I've seen this in other people - women getting drawn in because they won't believe OP will be OK without them.

What do you want at this point though napoleona? given that you can't 'save' him yourself and he needs to see how this isn't all at your door?

If you think it's over then how are you going to proceed? If I've learned anything over the last couple of years I've learned not to be a passenger in my own life. If XH hadn't left when dc2 was literally weeks old because life wasn't fun enough I would still be there, assuming that life would get better if only this happenend or that turned out well and he'd step up to his responsibilities. What I should have done (sadly many years previously) is told him to face up to being an adult or feck off! (the benefit of hindsight is a marvellous thing )

I now have the thought that if I were very old indeed and on my death-bed, what would I have wished I'd done.

This is probably why I'm still single!

Help and assistance = standing back and letting him fall. This is very hard. But do not swoop in to the rescue.

There is an aspect of a relationship with an addict where the spouse is getting something out of wearing her rescuer hat (just because you may have a rescuer sort of personality or because you are strong or because someone has to be able to pay the bills -- it's easy to get sucked into it and no criticism is implied here, that's just how it happens). Take off the rescuer hat and put it away. Try to see that you do not have to keep on playing your part in the cyclic drama.

hope you can sort things out

Did you get to have a day out by the coast OP? Hope things are ok?

Thank you all, sorry not been on, I took kids to seaside scabby, was good day yesterday. when we got back dh was home, we basically kept a polite distance til the kids were in bed. Then he said that he was sorry for the anger etc that he had thrown at me, that he had smoked some joints and that this had enabled him to see clearly. He therefore suggested that the best way for us to deal with our problems is for him to smoke weed, I give up! I'm at work so will try to post more laterx

Oh dear, he just doesn't get it does he?? Hope you're doing ok. Will check up on you later

I thought that the whole appeal of cannabis (as well as one of its dangers) was that it helped you not see clearly?

Have you hit rock bottom yet? Because he is still floating along a long way off the ground.

Hi all, last night I said to him that we basically have lost everything good about our relationship, that i am not sure I want to continue. I don't want to sound dramatic, but I can only cope with a certain amount of thinking right now, I feel very low. He honestly said that the weed helps him clarify his thoughts and that he feels he should do it occasionally. From past experience with him I know that occasionally is not going to happen, he will soon be on 5 joints or more a day. He blamed his moods on work and commuting. He says the weed will relax him, so he won't take it out on me. To me this is all baloney. I need to think what I want. He is asking me all the time if i lovehim. Will be back later, thanks for help.

Of course you love him! But that doesn't mean you have to love him as your life partner. Perhaps as a another child, or an ageing relative. The sad truth is, that he may think he loves you, but his actions spell out a different message.

He loves a little stick of burning vegetable more than he loves you, that's the sad truth of it.

OP, how long are you going to let this manchild run rings around you?

What he really wants is for you to 'allow' him to smoke dope. Nah, that isnt on. It promotes paranoia, stinks and well, lets face it, is illegal. You are not his mother - what would you do if he started smoking it with your DS?

I have read this whole thread and it seems clear to me that you need to get him out of your and your DC life. He doesnt seem to be any kind of father/husband. You are worth so much more than this.

He has an addictive personality, that much is easy to see, but if he is unwilling to get any kind of help there isnt a lot you can do, except get out and live your life with your children away from him.

I can't speak to him, I just can't think what I want to say, it all comes out wrong. If I am honest I just can't see a way forward. I was thinking earlier that its been so long since we could just chat, sit comfortably in the same room, get close. I can't believe how far from 'normal' we are. Everything seems to be based around his routines to me, his drinking, his moods. Yes, I want a different life, I think I can manage and do it. But I need to tell him. Think I will write it down, might be easier.

Note to MNHQ -- can nothing be done about this site invasion?

Napoleona:

He is completely mired in his addiction and isn't listening to you at all, or thinking of you, or the children. You could tell him tomorrow to pack his things and leave and he would. He would feign a bit of emotional reaction but deep inside he would be thinking of the next joint or bottle, where he could lay his hands on it, and when.

His emotions (what is left of them at this point) are all connected to feeding his addiction. You are part of the picture since you keep him in clean clothes and hot meals so he can have his head free to devote to ticking over at work and getting the next fix. He will say anything to maintain the part of the status quo that involves you, but he is not interested in you as a person. You are useful as a cook and housekeeper.

Once you have wrapped your head around a future that does not involve him, pack his things and tell him they will be waiting for him on the front lawn when he gets home one day. There is never an ideal time to split with someone and the prospect is never easy to contemplate. Once you have your ducks in line, just do it and let the chips fall where they may.

Thank you Math, funnily enough I was awake when you posted (dont know where you are but it was 3.30am here) so i read your post then. I dont get access to the laptop very often so i usually post on my phone which is really tricky as its easy to write a long post then delete it by accident, which explains my short replies on this thread!

I just need to get a few things out which i havent previously explained due to my short posts, maybe these will make a difference to things, maybe not:

We are not actually married, I put DH as part of trying to remain anonymous!
We have been together 6 years and have DD together. I have DS from first marriage. I have no relationship / support financial or otherwise from DS father.

I have no family support as such, my parents elderly and live other side of the country. I had an 'unhappy' childhood with alcoholic parent and witnessing violence.

I have suffered with depression in the past but have mainly been well for over ten years.
I work and have good friends.
We dont own a home, we rent.

'DH' is from a terrible background (abuse,neglect etc) and was introduced to drugs from teenage. It was all around him and he used various drugs for 25 years or more. When we got together i didnt know he smoked weed/skunk. My first marriage was with an alcoholic and therefore i did not want to get into a relationship with an addict again. He kept it well hidden until the lies got a bit too complicated and i found out. He continued to smoke skunk daily until DD was born, I wasnt happy with this but i felt unable to stop him and then he gave up. 2 years later i found some 'legal high' stuff in our house and he admitted doing that. Then he gave up again til now (he says).
He also drinks a bottle of wine, every night. I drink socially, dont tend to at home.

This weekend, he said how sorry he was for taking out his stress on me, and that smoking the weed had cleared his head, he could see how it was all his fault and that if he was able to do that occasionally it would help him destress. He is a very 'wound up' sort of person, always getting angry, especially at home and work. Always getting into problems due to his attitude to people. He is a manager and doesnt suffer fools gladly. He always feels guilty afterwards though.

I feel numb. I dont know if i even love him. I dont feel anything! My main instinct is that I dont want my kids to think its ok to get drunk/high in order to 'deal' with your problems. He has said he realises that i dont approve, and as far as i know he hasnt brought any weed/skunk/whatever it is into our house as yet.

Because i dont know what to do, what to say, I have kept quiet and not discussed anything with him since the weekend. We dont see a lot of each other in the week anyway.

Part of me longs to just tell him its over. If i think long term, I cant imagine us living happy ever after. We dont see eye to eye. He thinks im narrow minded and snobbish about drugs. I just cant see it as a good thing no matter how hard i try. He is being very nice, calm, at the moment but when he boils up its like jekyll and hyde.

Anyway, im sorry for the long post, I just felt that my short posts on my phone were not perhaps giving all the info. Thanks for all your help everybody. Napoleona.

Aah, sorry i meant to say, he works 1.5 hours away so has a very long commute (train) and he says it is this that makes him so stressed. he says other commuters make him so angry. He works 36 hour week. He takes DD swimming once a week but apart from that I do all other child care, play and also all housework. He goes to gym or if at home he will just sit and smoke/drink. I work 25 hours in the week and usually 4 hours at weekend.

I cant ask him to do jobs around the house as he gets in a mood and says i am feeling sorry for myself and it makes him feel guilty (eh?) Our house doesnt feel like home as he doesnt like me to change anything. I want to deocorate but it causes so much grief even me mentioning it. I would even do it all myself!

Finally. i forgot to say we dont have a sex life. Maybe once every couple of months if lucky. He has problems getting/keeping an erection. We dont have any intimacy or closeness so its hard to get in the mood. We go so long without it , that it doesnt even feel like a problem anymore iyswim.

thank you, no more from me now!

Napoleona

Glad that you had a good day at the seaside. I feel I should say I have a very similar experience with my DS' father. I found his excessive cannabis use too much and for a supposedly 'mild' drug in relation to others it had such a detrimental effect on all aspects of our family life. As annie says cannabis use does not help him to see clearly and nothing you have written suggests he is making the slightest effort to take on board yr views and feelings. It's all about HIM.

My ex is also result of a bad childhood - he was brought up in care and has a very long drug history. I spent so much energy feeling sorry for him and making excuses for his behaviour. It frustrates me that the drugs were ultimately more important to him than making Ds and I happy. When I began to get stronger and to stand up to him he would become emotionally abusive and sometimes threatening and do the classic 'you are not the same girl I fell in love with' line. When i realised he really didn't have our best interests at heart and that it was always going to be about his needs and his problems I kicked him out and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. Won't keep going on as it's your thread but just wanted to say I understand what you are going through.

napoleona - the more you post about your 'd'p the more he sounds like my ex!

Have you thought about some couselling for yourself. To the lay-person it seems that you've fallen into a pattern of 'rescuing' people as a result of your own experiences.

Also, "He thinks im narrow minded and snobbish about drugs." fully expect him to accuse you of being borning and too convential 'cos, hey! normal rules of society are not for the likes of the special people like him.

I hope you're doing ok. It really is a rubbish situation. Think practically about asking him to leave. Are you both on the tenancy agreement?

hi, yes we are both on tenancy. although the rent is too expensive for me to afford on my own, i could apply for housing benefit, in fact, i would look at down sizing to a smaller house esp as ds will be off to uni next year. so im kind of not worried about the financial side, i would survive, i could increase my work hours too.
Mavis, i always get told im boring, dont know how to relax etc. And you are right about the rescuing thing i think.
Scabby, you too, thanks for understanding, soundslike you know exactly what this is like.
I have told him that we need to talk, cos i think he is thinking ''oh she's forgotten about it phew'' he likes to sweep it all under the carpet until the next big blow up.
Oh, from the info above that I gave, does anything jump out at you that maybe im causing this? Im honestly interested because Im sure im not perfect and sure Im playing a part here. DH has said basically its me causing him so much stress/problems - which then leads him to be angry/irritable all the time. Thanks, Napoleona.

Tbh, nothing has jumped out to me to lay any blame at your door. I suspect that you're just being a responsible adult - trying to work enough, organise enough, keep on top enough to keep everything humming along. If you're in a partnership then it takes two to make this happen and he's just not doing his bit.

You know you're not boring right? I didn't realise how exciting I could be until I was away from the man-child.

Don't let him forget. Take charge.

It sounds as if your DH might be the sort to blame everyone else for absolutely everything instead of looking to himself for the cause and also the answer to problems.

Aside from the addictions, a few things you have said (short fuse, 'high expectations' of others even at work, a good deal of pushing you away and trying to reel you in again) make me wonder if you are dealing with narcissism or some other pd. I will try to post some links but am on my phone right now and haven't figured out how yet (new phone).

Hi napoleona - Your post about your and your dh's childhoods rang a bell with me - I recently bought "Women who love too much". The author says that it's very common for people who grew up with an alcoholic parent (or in other dysfunctional situations) to end up with partners who also have addiction problems. The rescuing thing with both your long-term partners probably comes from what you were used to in your childhood. I would really recommend this book, although I haven't finished it yet so haven't really got to any solutions from the author yet.