awful :(

[napoleona]

Massive row tonight. Been brewing. We cannot talk. We cannot communicate. I'm torn between saying its over or trying to smooth things over, but it always comes back to this. Is it better just to call it a day. Feel really sad. He thinks I've changed since having our dc. Doesn't like the me i am now. I admit to feeling and acting distant. Maybe its just over.

Back on the computer -- outofthefog.net/ might be worth a look. I think the rescuing dynamic is very likely in operation here though.

Update: dh very willing to admit he has been out of order, being pleasant. I'm just waiting to see how long the lull lasts. Can't make the decision to end things. I'm asking work to help me get some counselling. Dh pooh-poohed it again. I think he thinks i make a mountain out of a mole hill. He says every couple has these problems.

He is wrong. Of course he wants to minimise what you're going through, and he will admit to whatever you indicate you need to hear from him, in order to manage the situation and avoid dealing with his problems.

I hope you will find a counsellor who can help. Please don't let him talk you out of going. He will probably make it very difficult for you to attend, letting you down wrt childcare, creating some sort of crisis for you to deal with week after week.

Have you ever kept a journal?

Meant to say -- go to counselling on your own, don't wait for him to join you.

Napoleona sorry to jump into your thread when everyone has been giving you such good advice. I just wanted to tell you a story from my first marriage. My ExH used to drink too much, take a few drugs (I was also such a bore about it). I eventually broke up with him after years and years of trying. I came back to the flat we had shared (I'd left him in the flat and gone to stay with my parents for a while) and knocked. No answer so I let myself in. He was slumped, fully clothed in a chair. It was the middle of the day so he had been there since he crawled in that morning. He stank of booze and whatever else he had been doing. I nudged his shoulder and he just slumped some more and didn't wake up. We were supposed to be talking about arrangements for the flat, the divorce and so on. Obviously he was incapable.

I have never been more relieved in my life that I was single. I have never looked back and am happily married now with a new DD. DH does housework, hangs out with DD, loves me and does not drink every day. Because it's not normal to do that. And, normal is good.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you.

Hi napoleona,
it seems you are the partner/husband of an alcoholic with severe historical abuse and addiction problems. Try and be objective. You are surviving his problems, you are not causing them. Have you tried Alanon? It's for partners of alcoholics. It may help you understand your predicament a little and tell you where to go next. Although I pick up from what you are saying that you know exactly what you need to do.

Your DP's focus is on keeping things manageable for him. He is counting as far as ONE but there is a constant balancing act going on.

He drinks and smokes as much as he can while still being able to work (the danger he does not want to see here is that this situation will begin to fray as his addiction becomes stronger). He treats people as well or as badly at work as he can without mucking things up for himself there, to let off steam, vent a bit as he deems fit. He does the gym thing to delude himself that he is being healthy as well as the element of self medication involved in the endorphin release. It's all done with the aim of not facing his problems, all the while gambling that you will not call a halt to the madness. In order to keep you sweet he says what he thinks you want to hear.

Hi all and thank you for your messages/thoughts . Dh has been back on the 'weed' or skunk whatever it is, I don't know. He asked my permission to go out and smoke it last night. I said it was his decision and that he already knows how I feel about it. He smoked it and then today he was meant to come to a family party but he didn't. I'm guessing he wanted some time to himself, to smoke. At the moment I feel very detached which means none of this is upsetting me. I'm looking forward to starting counselling which work is finding for me.

I feel today that this is actually my fault because I don't say clearly enough what I feel. Dh is now out buying more stuff. he wants my permission but I @aid no, its his choice.

FWIW I think it's perfectly clear what you're saying and if you say to him "I don't want you to do this, it's damaging our relationship/partnership, so it is your decision" then it's up to him to take responsibility for the consequences.

Tbh I suspect that if your spelled it out in neon lights on the cliffs at Dover, and hired a special ferry just to take him out into the channel to get the full effect, he still wouldn't 'hear' you.

Work on a plan of action (for you and dcs, not him)

Thanks mavis. So much good advice on here, I must be frustating people as I don't seem to have moved forward. He has just text to say its taking longer than he thought to get this 'stuff' . This is what its going to be like now for me and dcs, he puts this before them. I have a day off work tomorrow, will have to start a plan as u say. He maintains he is not addicted, ffs! Im really grateful to all for the advice, the sharing of stories etc. It really does help and I keep re reading. Thank you.

If you clearly stated how you feel (not saying for one moment that you are not doing this) do you really think someone who says weed makes him think clearly would be able to listen, or care?

I don't rally know what to say but reading your last few posts makes me feel so sad. You and your children deserve so much more than this .

Dont worry, I'm really ok, he got in at ten last night and had the gall to text me this morningto say he was sad that he didn't see me or the kids at all last night/this morning. He was feeling very sorry for himself. But, he got his weed,and that's the main thing! I'm keeping a journal as math suggested. I'm getting some counselling at work from next week. I'm taking the kids out and keeping my life very busy. I can see in his face that he feels I am detaching from him and he doesn't like it, he feels sorry for himself. Anyway I'm off out today, for a nice day with a friend and little ones. Thank u all for your concern and all the help, Napoleona x

Hope you had a lovely day today and didn't get caught in the thunder storms.

Keeping a journal is a step in the right direction. You can write down what he says and does, how you feel -- it keeps it all from building up in your head and heart and also helps you see in black and white what you're dealing with.

He will be bewildered and feel threatened by the detachment you show, which can mean choppy waters ahead for you as he will try to manipulate you and defend his comfy status quo. Don't forget through all this stress and pressure to eat sensibly and get enough rest for yourself.

Well done for sorting some counselling for yourself. Don't be afraid to tell the counsellor what you think you need from the sessions or ask where a certain line of discussion is leading -- you can participate in the direction your sessions take.

Had a lovely day out, thank you. Have not seen much of dh, when I have seen him he just looks sheepish. Got dd school event this weekend, he can't make it, yawn, what a surprise. Sometimes I think he actually wants me to end this, to be the one who makes the decision, as he is not sure or doesn't want to be the bad guy. He knows that him smoking weed is so far out of my comfort zone.

The person who calls time on a relationship isn't necessarily the bad guy, you know. Sometimes he/she can be the sensible guy. I called time on mine because I had to, and in fact was a bloody fool for not doing it years earlier. XH tried a lot of lines like "you're the one who wants out so you have to go and leave everything behind, including the DCs" but it just wasn't true. He was "the bad one" for making my life so shit I had to get out of it. It didn't matter that he didn't see it that way, and if anyone else wanted to tell me I should Stand By My Man the natural answer was "you think he's great to live with, be my guest".

My motivation was the children in the end. After exH finally moved out we all felt a little giddy almost -- there was a palpable sense of being freed from something.

My counselling is set up for next week, luckily I can go within work time so I don't need to rely on him to babysit. I think it will hit home when I speak to the counsellor because I went to her before re his excess drinking and his moods. She will be able to tell me just how long I have been going round in circles He was moody tonight as I have a cold, I worked all day and did all dc stuff, dinner, housework etc he went to gym after work and then sat in the garden smoking his stuff. This made him moody because i was feeling ill and didn't even sit down til 9, he gets moody and says ' I would have helped if u asked' as if I'm going to ask him, stoned, to put dd4 to bed. He doesn't see that he is hardly ever 'available' to help, and this is because he drinks, smokes or is in gym. I hope the counselling will help me to realise I'm not invisible and that its not right for my partner to be so completely absent in our family and relationship. Another weekend looms, of me doing dc activities, him doing his own thing. Thanks for the posts re the bad guy thing. I don't really think anyone would blame me for ending things with a drug addict. Which is what he is, although he thinks this is the most outrageous slur.

'Helping' you isn't exactly how you say 'pulling your weight as a parent' or as a member of a household. Whether available or not, he should be on the front lines with you, your reliable partner in everything, not someone completely wrapped up in his addictions and his feelings to the point where he sulks and withdraws if you are unwell.

It doesn't matter whether he thinks badly of you for your decisions. You don't need anyone's permission to do the healthiest thing for you and your children. What he feels about your accurate description of him is up to him to deal with too. He can figure out the truth about himself in his own time.

This week has been hard, the cracks in our relationship are now magnified by him smoking that stuff. I am so suspicious of him now, its like I'm always guessing has he just smoked it. He gets up in the middle of night when he thinks I'm asleep, and smokes it. He is,always putting eye drops in, he is then lying to me about it and having a go at me for being suspicious. I started looking at housing options for me and dcs, got a few knockbacks as will only be my income. Feel down, looked in mirror today and saw a mess! Itook dcs out today. Dh declined. Same tomorrow.sorry for moan! Just need to get off my chest. Counselling starts weds.

Keep your courage up. I think you should go to your local CAB and see what you may be entitled to wrt housing, benefits, whether you could stay in the house and your H leave, etc.

Sorry you're having a bad time of it. Find out what you might be entitled to wrt benefits - you may be suprised. What I did (although circs were different) was get an image in my head about how I wanted life to be for me and my dcs. I've been working towards that ever since in little tiny steps.

Once you make the break life will be easier. There may be the odd crap day but let's face it - every day is a crap day one way or the other atm!

I really hope you're ok.

Hi napoleona, I just thought I would check in. Sorry things are bad, it sounds very confusing having an addict in the house. He's not going to be able to think about you even if he wanted to. As I said before, he may have to reach rock bottom on his own in order for him to come back up. Let us know how counselling goes. I think I made up my mind to leave the first day I had counselling. Much as mumsnet folks give forthright advice on leaving, it was the perspective of the counsellor that made me make the decision (not that he advised as such, it just happened).