awful :(

[napoleona]

Massive row tonight. Been brewing. We cannot talk. We cannot communicate. I'm torn between saying its over or trying to smooth things over, but it always comes back to this. Is it better just to call it a day. Feel really sad. He thinks I've changed since having our dc. Doesn't like the me i am now. I admit to feeling and acting distant. Maybe its just over.

Thank you, yes counselling tomorrow. In the back of my mind I'm thinking I may break down crying or maybe just sit in silence, I will just see what happens. Home life is v confusing, he may or may not be smoking it, I don't know, he left work early I presume to pick up another stash, but I don't know, as he doesn't really talk to me. I tried asking him his advice/opinion on something dd related last night and he just snapped at me, we literally cannot converse. I met up with some other parents today and it stood out to me how people in partnerships compromise, work together etc. We have none of that. I think all that was ever between us has gone. It's like a dead space. I have booked the afternoon off work so I can get some time to myself. I think maybe not deciding to end this is actually causing more stress, he has been so defensive and getting angry at the most trivial things, and he contributes virtually nothing to me or dc. I have stopped buying any alcohol for the house, I don't know where the money for drink/drugs is supposed to come from. I might ask counsellor to help me write him a letter.

Napoleona, it is so clear from your posts that you want this man to hear you and see you and be aware of you. To reach him somehow. I just don't think that is possible. He has insulated himself from reality very thoroughly.

Had my counselling session this morning - was (a bit) shocked to discover that my last session was feb 2010 when i was needing help dealing with dh heavy drinking :(
Have been advised to go to GP as i seem depressed/heading for some sort of breakdown. This I am not sure of, i do feel like screaming/sense of unreality but equally feel this is not 'me being ill' this is this situation we are in that is causing this.
Talking about things reinforced the fact that talking to DH is pretty pointless as he is mostly not in reality himself, being tipsy/drunk/stoned/hungover.
I have to look after me and DC's.
I do Love him, this is not the issue.
Overall, it is time for me to call time on this, it is the only way.
Feel shattered. I have a medical issue also at the moment which is really worrying, im so scared :( I need him to support me and DC's :(
Im using this afternoon to cry and think.

I think you are right that this is not you but your situation. I think you would find Alanon very supportive and less likely to medicalise your situation.

Do you have anyone in RL who could lend you a shoulder to cry on and support you through your medical issue, or just to be there if you need to have a hand held?

I think you might feel very relieved if you were to call it quits, like a weight lifting off your shoulders. I would go to your CAB and find out what practical, financial support there might be out there for you, whether he can be the one to leave the family home, etc. I would hope your counsellor would be of some help guiding you through the process of talking to him and getting him to leave if that is possible.

It isn't helpful when counsellors refer you to a doctor - it may be that's a way of avoiding liability if anything goes wrong. I don't think there is anything wrong with you, you have come so far, been strong for so long. This pain may be grief. You've lost him - not for the first time. You love him, and that must be very hard for you.

Mathanxiety is right about Alanon, they are the right people to give you support.

Try to focus on your children. They need one strong parent. Try to find support from family if you can, or a good friend, at least if not for you, for the DCs.

I have a friend coming for coffee today. I havent told people in RL all thats going on and i havent seen her for ages but i will be glad of a friendly face!

The medical issue is something i need to sort out, i am just going to get that sorted now (need to chase up an appointment). Its keeping me awake at night.

I felt so rudderless yesterday but i have got up today thinking ''right, i have to take some action''. Its funny how when you think you are down and out , some strength comes from somewhere.

So, i have to chase up hosp appt, i also have to sort out my work hours to suit me and dc's better. DD starts school in September and i want to work a bit more and also try to get maybe a half day for myself if i can.

I want to make some financial plans - we currently live just within our means but quite often DH borrows money from his DB. I think I need to look at budgeting better.

And finally, I am going to write down EVERYTHING that i want to say, that i have on this thread, that I have in my head etc and give it to DH. I feel totally invisible. I will just do it - nothing can actually be worse than this.

Thank you all for help, Napoleona

meant to say will also look into Al-anon. i need a day time one as dh wouldnt babysit for me to go there. Hopefully there will be one i can make it to.

The financial side of separating is something i should be ok with, in terms of knowing what to access. We live in a rented property so DH will have to move out and rent something else.
I will then have to apply for help.

I dont think he will react in a bad way, he seems totally indifferent to me anyway.

Just caught up on this. Hope you got an appointment to get your medical issue sorted out.

Did you speak to your friend? Was she/he helpful?

thank you for asking after me Coffee, sorry i have been off line for a few days. My friend didnt turn up that day so that was that, and i tried to chase up the hospital for my appointment and got fobbed off again. So it wasnt a great day, the atmosphere just got worse at home and then on Friday DH emailed me from work to say he was leaving work at midday as he was so miserable and stressed. He said he couldnt go on like we were anymore. When we got home that night we had a talk. He said i am cold, dont show him any affection, that it has made him so unhappy. He said the girl he got together with was so attentive to him and treated him so lovingly and now he cant beleive how much i have changed. He said he realises he doesnt 'help me' at home and admitted he chooses not to because i am so good at it. He said he will try harder. Ever since he has been nice as pie and i feel guilty for having been cold towards him - i do admit i am quite an unaffectionate person these days, but not completely, i do look after everyone and try to make everyone feel loved and cared about. He said i dont give him enough time to himself which i said wasnt true - the thing is he feels guilty for always being out then this puts him in a bad mood. Anyway, it seems to all have been turned around now so that its me that has caused the problems. He has said he will stop smoking weed when this batch runs out. I just feel so tired all the time and he just looks so sad that he gets no affection. I dont know why i am like this, i cant get straight in my head what i want. I hope the counselling will help me see.

"he will stop smoking weed when this batch runs out"
"I don't give him enough time to himself"
Oh please give me strength.

Darling you are "cold" (his words) because you are building an emotional shell around yourself to protect you from his mindgames. It's survival, that's all. Please get down to alanon, you need help to understand that this is all HIS problem.

How very dare he try and make you feel as if it's your fault!!!!

thank you barbiegrows

agree with barbie this is classic behaviour and iirc someone ^ previously said so, "Just wait until he gets a bit savvy to how you are feeling, then he will turn it all around on you"

Please get some help(alanon) and chase up your hospital appt.