awful :(

[napoleona]

Massive row tonight. Been brewing. We cannot talk. We cannot communicate. I'm torn between saying its over or trying to smooth things over, but it always comes back to this. Is it better just to call it a day. Feel really sad. He thinks I've changed since having our dc. Doesn't like the me i am now. I admit to feeling and acting distant. Maybe its just over.

stay strong napoleone

You don't need him anyway, let him get on with sulking or whatever he wants to do.

You focus on yourself and your kids and things will come right.

Thank you, you're right, I don't need him. I can easily manage on my own. He is having a love affair with himself, he plies himself with wine and preens himself and his gym worked body! Made me laugh tonight that he was going on about his great achievements at the gym. He knew I was upset about turning down the job but managed to turn it round by saying 'he felt guilty' . He can take time off work to go gym, but not to care for dd so i can do this new job. Once a week I needed him. Says it all really.

napoleona I would put money on him changing his mind before long and blaming you for not taking the job...

Contrary bastard!!

You are doing so well, keep up the good work
x

So we are back to the weekend, and another big row. He didn't even get in from work and gym til after 8. Then by the time I got dd down to sleep, I havent even spoke to him properly all day. He was in a bad mood with me because i have made his life hell for weeks about this other job.wtf? I said sorry, but it was due to trying to sort out childcare for the job, and i said how did it affect him anyway as I had done it all, he hadn't done anything. He shouted me down so many times that I went to bed in dds room. As I went he said 'its over' . Wonder what today will bring.

It's all about him and how much misery you heap on him then?

I know it's hard when someone is completely unrelenting in trying to make your life revolve around him, but try to get out of his orbit and make your life about you, then make plans for your future, calmly and deliberately. But first you must try to disengage. You need to claw your way out of the emotional chaos he has created for you and get your mind and spirit out of the quicksand.

You might benefit from Al Anon/ Alateen for families of alcoholics.

If you say to him yes, I agree, it's over, let's talk about how to split with the least fuss, I'll eat every hat at Ascot if he turns out to have meant it.

thank you so much for the support, it really helps! i worked this morning and before i left asked him to think about going away for the weekend to give us both some space, when i got back he left to go to his db (an hour away)which is a relief. im going to take the dcs out tomorrow for a nice outing. god, its such a relief!

Maybe suggest to him that relate is not a waste of money if it helps you resolve problems and live happily again....unless he doesn't want too.

Math, thanks for the link, i just had a quick read and will have to come back to it later as i have a bouncy dd all over me. what i did see was so familiar!

hi fab, he wont be budged on the relate/counselling thing. i have tried so many times. he thinks its all too expensive and 'bollocks'!

That is so typical. He is guarding his problems fiercely.

You know what is really bugging me is he is insistent, really insistent, that it is me, i am causing all of this, i make his life so hard, i am so controlling etc etc etc. A lot of times i think ''is it me??'' I dont know the answer.
Its so confusing!
Anyway he has gone to stay with his alcoholic db. Thank goodness he wont be back tonight. Now I need to think. Everybody who has replied on this thread thank you so much, I am short of RL support so you are really helping.

I am in a foul mood so feel free to ignore but if he really thinks it is all you set him free. See what he thinks then of being a divorced man with limited access to his kids.

It is not you!
Repeat ten times every morning and again at night.

He just text to say 'I'm sorry for everything and I love u' . This is like a see-saw, he blames me-he apologises. I expect he has had a couple of joints and now feels mellow. Thinking about it, he has really extreme mood swings, last night he said I was the cause of all unhappiness, this morning he said he was just letting off steam, and when he left today he said 'cant u say u love me before I go'. So confusing.

This is the quicksand, the emotional chaos he has created. Do you have any favourite music you could turn on and listen to? You need to clear your head and get into a mental space that he can't contaminate if you're going to re-energise. Dealing with someone like this, an emotional vampire under the addictions, will drain you.

He sounds very similar to my XH - life is so much easier and stress free now we're apart!

He too said (and no doubt tells everyone) that I am controlling and you do start doubting your own judgement. However now I have some clarity and not wrapped up in the fug that was a fucked up relationship I can see that yes, I could have been seen as controlling but only by someone who was so wrapped up in himself and so neglecting of his family that a simple question of "what time will you be back from work?" could be evidence of this.

You're doing really well. He is now panicing and will say anything he thinks is the right thing to keep you in your place. He won't change. Sorry.

thanks Mavis, you struck a chord: I cant ask him ANYTHING without it being evidence of my controlling ''do you want some dinner'' ''what are your plans for today'' these are me controlling him. He goes mental if i ask him anything at all. You're right he is probably panicking. I am not contacting him, I dont give a monkeys what he does while he is away.

Math, i really do need to re-energise, i did a workout dvd with dd, was funny as she insisted on doing it naked, she's 4!

My DS is not DH son, he said ''he's really pissing me off'' ds is 17 :(
what a bloody mess.

Oh yes napoleona - the fact that I wanted to cook only one lot of tea and would have liked to know (roughly) what time would be best to sort this out amongst all the housework, 99% of the childcare and not knowing if his 'quick drink after work' would turn into an all-nighter was plainly the work of a controlling power-crazed harpy!

D'you know, it's not that much of a mess. He is a mess. You and your dcs are going to be great!

(and besides, you can spell 'panicking'. I clearly can't )

thanks Mavis, I really relate to all that!

Have been lurking on your posts and empathising so much with you; was in the same situation where I could do nothing right! Turned out my XP had been having an affair for years right under my nose!! Not suggesting that you are in the same boat (really hope not!) but maybe it's a possibility that another woman is involved?

Of course has entered my head, but I think not. His love affair is with addictive substances, but I would imagine an affair very possible given that opportunity, for all I know he could be bonking someone right now! I don't think I even care if he is, he is so unhappy with me I have had my self esteem knocked so much I wouldn't really blame him. Hope u ok x

I ended up with absolutely no confidence, self-esteem or sense of worth all because my beloved XP was trying to hide the fact that he had another woman! All the red flags were there but he kept saying that he loved me and did not want me to leave!!! Other people may be able to advise you; my XP also used addictive substances and drank a bottle of wine every night!!!

Hi napoleona, sorry to hear you've such a self-indulgent teenager for a husband - he really sounds like you have an other child. No wonder your 17 year old pisses him off - he's probably got more sense than dh!

I think you have come to the end. Don't worry about him, let him go. Tell him you'll do your best for his child and send him on his way. Tell him he'll be fine without you - he needs reassurance. He probably needs to go to a very dark place and do some serious soul-searching before he will come back to reality and be a decent man again. I say that because I feel that he's an addictive personality and when you support one of them it just prolongs the addiction. They need to come to a crisis point before they get better.

Sorry to hear all this, you seem to be a very sound person - try not to let this push you off your path, keep on track and true to yourself.

Wow, thank you, I'm actually astounded that people that don't know me are sending me so much support and help, its really keeping me going. Barbie, you are so right about the relationship between dh and my ds. I think Dh is jealous of my relationship with ds, the other day dh actually said 'you never tell him off, go tell him off' as if they are two little boys!
I havent really thought through my next step. I think what's going to happen is that dh will come home, and he will be feeling much more chilled, he will have missed dd, and he will want to just carry on now until he blows up again. I'm going to take the kids to the coast, which is something we never do as a family, but they love! Then I will have to come back and face the music. As Barbie says above, dh is going to need help and reassurance, that sad, broken, desperate side of him that I cannot handle as I feel so so guilty, and give in everytime. Any thoughts really would be appreciated. Thank you