awful :(

[napoleona]

Massive row tonight. Been brewing. We cannot talk. We cannot communicate. I'm torn between saying its over or trying to smooth things over, but it always comes back to this. Is it better just to call it a day. Feel really sad. He thinks I've changed since having our dc. Doesn't like the me i am now. I admit to feeling and acting distant. Maybe its just over.

He said he has been checking my phone and fb, and he said sorry for this. He obviously feels I am untrustworthy, or doing something behind his back, which I'm not and never have or would. I'm so tired today I called in sick today, it has at least given me time to think. I don't get how he can be so critical of me, when he drinks a bottle wine everynight to himself, in this way he absences himself from our relationship/ family. I can't think of anyone to talk to in RL.

Thank you both humpty and garlic. I will get there. Been trying to imagine the feeling of freedom, relaxing without a one sided drunk argument at bedtime.

I imagine the weed is also affecting him - seems to make people pretty foggy mentally...

He obviously feels I am untrustworthy, or doing something behind his back

... projection?? What's he doing behind your back?

I have recently left a horribly destructive marriage... I wasted seven years trying to fix it when I knew it was beyond broken.... My friend told me it was better for my children to come from a broken home than to live in one... That's the advice that finally made me do it... it's not easy, but at least I don;t get shouted at and told I'm a piece of worthless crap every day... Hope this helps...

Thank you, this is a point I tried to make to him today, that we are not living as a functioning family, it is not good for our children. He said I'm so stuck up that I want a perfect family. I dont, I just want one where one person doesn't exclude themselves as they want to drink/smoke to excess. We can't socialise together, full stop. We dont take the dcs out because he can't be bothered/gym/hungover. I don't know if I am up my own arse as he says but I find his drug taking at 45 embarrassing as well as worrying.

napoleona to be honest, I don't think there's much point in discussing this with him... if you've been over it before, seems he is unlikely/unwilling to change.
Focus on moving forwards. If you tell him you are considering leaving then of course he will go into mr nice guy mode to convince you not to go as well as turning it all around so it's you with the problem and being unreasonable not him.
Take some time to focus on what you want, and then figure out how to achieve that

Thank you humpty, you are right, and I have looked a little today into finding somewhere more affordable to live. It is a great big leap I have to make, but im pretty sure I would be happier in the long run. I just need to spell it out to him now, wish me luck.

We spoke a bit last night, he had drunk quite a bit though. I told him its not working and we need to separate he agreed that he is unhappy and that its not fixable. This morning he has been crying and saying sorry for hurting me and that there is something wrong with him. I just have to remember, as sad as it is, it won't change anything. We have been at this stage before. I recently went for, and got, a new job. I'm not going to take it as i think it will be too much to cope with (going up to full time and new childcare arrangements) I want to look for a smaller house, in fact I have seen one. Thank you everyone for your help.

Hmm, I wouldn't have said what I said on the first page if I'd known at that point about the paranoia, weed smoking and excessive drinking. You sounded in the first couple of posts like a couple who had difficulty communicating, not like one person had their ears stopped up with substances and obsessive behaviours. In the circumstances I agree that staying is pointless.

hi annie, its hard because on one hand we are just a couple with problems communicating, he is not a falling down drunk, but he drinks a bottle of wine every night to relax. he doesnt smoke weed now as far as i know, he has had short phases where he has gone back to it. he smoked it for over 25 years. he is a professional and works hard. he is a lovely man but he has problems and as i think garlicbutter said earlier he is trying to run away from some really serious things that have happened in his past. he was a badly neglected child. but, i feel like i dont have the capacity any longer to support him, help him, without some professional help like counselling which he will not do. i didnt exactly come from a great background myself and i have my own issues. i need to concentrate on our dcs and myself (it feels selfish saying that)

Hi, just read all these messages and i feel for you but cant believe how brave your being, at the end of the day you only get 1 life do you want to spend that making yourself and your children miserable, or would you like to get as much happiness in your life as you possibly can, you are so doing the right thing. As for him its sad that its happened yes but you cnt take on the responsibility of his problems, there are his not yours, he needs to get help himself, not you! good luck x

thanks but im not brave at all, im shitting myself. and i have contributed to all this, the resentment that has built up in me has meant that i have been very distant and shut off. and i have probably treated him like a child trying to get him to eat and to look after himself. im just trying to keep positive and imagine that we all get a better future.

NO napoleona, don't blame yourself, just focus on moving forwards

The trouble is that you wouldn't be able to help him precisely because you're in a relationship. You're quite right that the help he needs is professional. You could support him through that perhaps, but you can't substitute for it, and he won't do it anyway. So yeah... you've got to put yourself and DC first now. I think I've used this metaphor before, that he's flailing in the water while the rest of you are nearby in a small boat. You throw him a lifebelt but he won't take it, he keeps trying to climb into the boat instead, but clumsily, so that any minute the boat will tip up and you'll all be in the water. If you could help him of course you would. As it is all he can do is drag you down.

I dunno, maybe if you do go it will give him the impetus to sort himself out. Not going hasn't worked...

I think you're right Annie, it is possible that losing me and dd will be his rock bottom, although I won't hold my breath. I dont think the tears will.last, it will soon be anger and blaming me again. somehow I have to keep mycool and keep my nerve. sorry terible typing on phone.

Is he depressed? Would he see his gp or a counsellor about it?

When you said he shouted at you for taking too long to put dd to bed, is this because he is jealous of the attention you're giving her and not him?

When he says abusive things to you, do you think it's because he feels cornered and so lashes out, or is he just fundamentally a mean and malicious person?

Sounds like he can't bear the idea of you having independence or a life away from him and wants to bully you into feeling so crap that you don't challenge him?

curly exactly he is behaving in a controlling and abusive manner.

Who cares if he is depressed or whatever, it's no excuse. I think napoleona
should just sort out her life and leave him to figure out his own. It's his life and his responsibility!

i need help again, im sorry cos i feel like im being really pathetic! whats happened is that now dh and i had a discussion re me not taking new job (which i decided not to do as i cant cope with the upheaval and more stressful childcare arrangements etc) and now he has gone all nice as pie.

i want to do the job but i cant if a)he leaves/i throw him out; which is possible or b) he doesnt help with more childcare and jobs round the house.

he has now said he feels relieved im not taking the job as it would be too much for him. he also said he was sorry for the weekend arguments and that it was particularly bad for him as it was the anniversary of his mums death. a part of me feels like im being played. he says he wouldnt stop me doing the job as he knows how much i want it but if i talk about it the atmosphere changes straightaway.

i think now im not going to take the job because then i can manage childcare myself around my current job and then i can still press on with separating from him.
this probably makes no sense, my head is so confused, sorry :(

napoleona from what you said it sounds like he is still trying to control you. He is obvioulsy delighted you are not taking the job and being nice to you because he got his own way.

Listen, fuck him, if you separated what would be the best scenario for you, old job or new job? Both from a practical and childcare perspective as well as financially?

Work that out and then decide if you should take it or not.
x

Is there any way you could both agree to get help individually, time out with someone to talk to who is on your side without knowing the other half of the picture? And agree while you are doing that to be nice to each other, back away from arguements and let things settle while you "fix" yourselves as individuals. Set ground rules like you will "control" parts of your home life that you need to and you will allow him freedom in other areas provided he agrees to doing certain tasks (don't add to the list and if he doesn't comply, simply see this as a step one way or the other rather than the start of another arguement), perhaps agree that he can drink on set nights so long as you can have space to yourself on those nights

If at the end of that, you feel like you both want to give your relationship a decent chance, you could try couples counselling.

It sounds like you are both hurting and both hiding or running away which might be the best thing but if you think it might not be, give yourself a fighting chance rather than just carrying on in the blind hope things will get better on their own. Good luck and take care of yourself, don't put yourself under unnecessary stress by moving out before you need to, if that's the decision you take.

I think you are being 'played' also napoleona.

I think the truth is that your DP is scared if you take the job you will not be available to continuously prop him up.

You will be the one working full time and probably still doing most of the housework etc...but he's the one that won't be able to cope!?!

From your posts not only is he trying to control you, but he seems to be jealous of any of your attention being focused on anything other than him, be that a new job or your DCs...he seems to want all your attention at all times.

Of course the atmosphere changes when you are 'good old you' back in your place at home and working part time...this is what he wants you running about trying to keep him happy....any changes that make your more independent or builds your self esteem is going to be met with 'bad atmospheres'.

Fair enough if you can't manage the full time job and childcare etc ( I don't think I'd want that either tbh) - then refuse the job...but make sure you are basing your decisions on what is best for you and your DCs, because I think in the long term these atmospheres are going to get more and more frequent until you just can't do it any more.

Well I have turned down the new job, on the basis that working full time hours, looking after 2 dc and doing everything at home would be too much for me and he won't help me so I will stay in my 25 hour week job and then I can manage independently, when dd starts school I can work school hours. Dh says he feels a bit guilty. But tbh, I agree that our relationship is not going to improve while we do nothing about it. I am going to attempt talking to him tonight re his attitude that 'all he can manage is work and gym' I work 25 hours do all shopping on foot, all housework, dc's care. He can't stand it that I'm feeling fed up, he has gone all moody again. Luckily my current job is fairly ok paid, if he goes I would only need some help with rent. He can't see at all that he is being selfish, he thinks I am controlling him. Thanks for messages, they really help me to see what's what from another perspective. Could be an argument tonight as he is drinking and he already said 'ugh' to his dinner and binned it.

Listen when that voice tells you you are being played. He doesn't feel one bit guilty. His primary relationship is with his addictions, as Garlicbutter said in her excellent post of 12 June. What you are getting from him is words that are useful in the moment but have no meaning apart from their immediate context.

Go for the new and better job when you have split. Sorry you have had no choice but to do this at this point. But now at least you see that he is not interested in anything but dragging you down with him or keeping you down with him.

There's no point in talking to an addict, or arguing. What you say sounds like bjklar fjdgnuegdndjfgn nfjkgngam nmnmm to him. He can't see what you are saying at all, about anything. Please re-read GarlicButter's post of 12 June 13:23:46 about banging your head against a brick wall here.

'Sorry you have had no choice but to do this at this point' = turn down the better job