ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Am thinking of knocking him back - face up to what he's chosen.

Kids and I will go out - have plans to do so - but fear I might still get him on my doorstep later.

I could talk to him and make him feel better - I always can - but keep reminding myself not my role.

But would feel terrible if he really did harm himself. And need him to be able to work (although on holiday at present)

Hi VB, been lurking on your thread (think you are amazing). Definitely tell him No! I think you know that already really, don't you. Stay strong.

Tell him again that it's not your job to "keep him safe" any more. He has OW for that.
Don't wait for his phonecall - if the knock at the door was OW, he won't be calling you back.
Chances are he's just trying to worry you, keep you hooked in.

Really I should find Solost's threads for you from around Christmas time - her ex did much the same as yours, long marriage, 3 DC etc. - he produced a "mental breakdown" around Christmas to avoid telling the DC he had left. It was pathetic in its predictability and in the way it suddenly cured itself a couple of days later.

Solost had to learn to disengage, disconnect, stop being sucked in by the sob stories, the charm, the "I only want to help" stuff - and so do you.

Thanks Thumb

Well that was hideous.

Wailed down the phone, 'talk to me'

Told him talk to OW, not me, or an organisation that can help.

No to coming round, kids and me going out. Asked where we were going but said wasn't telling him - he said why not they're my kids, he has a right - bluntly told him I didn't want him turning up.

Then got 'thanks a lot', then 'I know I'm a horrible person, done an awful thing' all in this wail.

Told him again speak to OW, or talk to an organisation that can help, face up to what is his choice. More wailing of 'no', so i hung up

And now it's gone to answer phone repeatedly so have bustled the kids out on their bikes after a chorus of 'can we speak to daddy'

Just horrible.

VB, he really is following a script

did you ever read "solosts" threads that thumb referred to ?

you will see your husband in those posts

"not safe" means "I need you to stroke my ego again"

the "I am a horrible person" means "Tell me I can feel ok about my poor choices"

you are handling it ok, love...a few weeks ago you would have been moving heaven and earth to "help" him, wouldn't you ?

detach, detach, detach

the drama is not good for you, and not good for the dc

he needs a fucking rocket up his arse...he is pathetic

sorry... "solost"'s threads

I do know of Solost, she was/is amazing. Didn't realise though her H pulled a stunt like that.

Must admit to feeling shaken both by him/the wailing and my response tbh. But more important are the children

We are off out asap, just in case he drives over (don't think he will but don't want to chance it)

Thanks for the much needed hand-holding.

VB - owing to the abysmal speed with which MN works on my laptop (no known reason) I will have to post this in two parts, probably.

this is Solost's first thread

There's another but I'll post this first or I'll lose it

VB, Solost's H did the mental breakdown thing and (allegedly) smashed up his flat

strangely, it was never mentioned again and said "damage" was never witnessed by anyone else

hey-hum

here is the second one and there is a link at the end to the third one. Sorry, my computer is unbearable - it can only load Mumsnet if nothing else is open online, and definitely not another tab with MN on!!

I thought this might happen, when he was ringing you yesterday with silly reasons, he wants you to make him feel better. You're not his mum - you're the mum of his kids, and that's as far as your relationship with goes from now. So you are doing exactly the right thing - he needs to get through this with professional help, or OWs help, or on his own. You are not and I repeat NOT his prop - those days are over. He's an adult for God's sake, so he needs to realise this, take the total responsiblity for his selfish actions and grow up. Your priority is you and the kids. He has got to learn to look after himself. If he can't and he crashes, then there are professionals around to help him - but you are not responsible for his wellbeing.

Stay strong - in awe of you!

A helpful hint - if you haven't already done so, go into Customise and set it to highlight the OP's posts in a delightful colour of your choice (from the range given) - it makes skimming threads SOOOOOo much easier! I have OP's posts and my own posts highlighted (obviously in different colours ) and it's revolutionised my ability to read long threads

and don't forget to highlight your own posts, 'cos they are the the most important, obvs

oops, just noticed thumb already said that

How bloody knackering for you. What a selfish inadequate he really is. Bloody well done on keeping him at bay.

Saffysmum, you must have 2nd sight, as he took me completely by surprise but to you/everyone he is so so predictable! Where is this script that he's following? Must get hold of it so no more nasty surprises. Am feeling jumpy as if he might turn up at any time, and have locked the door so he can't walk in (bottom lock I changed after he left)

Have highlighted my posts, thank you for the tip

PP, have no doubt I will crash tonight, his dramas always are so tiring

Now a text from him:
Hello. Would like to come up early tomorrow so I can see the doctor and have the children for longer please. So would like to arrive at the doctors by 8 to make a same day appointment. If this is not acceptable I can go to the doctors and then go to X (nearest town) for four hours first.

Have got all the stuff ready for tomorrow in the car you wanted

(this would be his rental agreement so I can prove he doesn't live here any more)

You can tell him you will call for an ambulance for him if he tries to pull that stunt again, VB. The 'radio silence' you are now getting is designed to freak you out and have you trying to find out how he is, perhaps even turning up at his doorstep with a duvet or basket of home baked goodies... Do not call him.

What he did to your DS with the photo is simply horrible. It shows he is very angry with you, but to involve a child in his chosen means of communicating this to you is a sign that he is prepared to mistreat the children without any hesitation. His comment that he has some sort of right to know where you are going with HIS children is a big red flag here. He is staking a claim on the children, asserting his right to use them as dumping sites for his emotions. So he will arrive with treats one day and give your DS the token of you he kept in his wallet the next (a highly symbolic act, like giving the DS his wedding ring really). In saying out loud that the children are some sort of property of his over whom he has 'rights' he keeps himself from acknowledging that they are people to whom he owes responsibilities and towards whom he has a duty of tender care, and whom he has failed.

There is a lot of anger in this man. He is unable to accept your reaction to his behaviour (because to do so would mean seeing himself in a very unflattering light and he resents you for stubbornly refusing to succumb to his version of history.) At the same time, it may be that finding himself at a loose end without the OW catering to his little fantasy is contributing to a sense of panic as he comes face to face with disappointing reality. Resentment, dismay and anger are the result.

Do not be taken in by the 'I'm a horrible person' gambit. That is a line designed to elicit your sympathy; it is not an acknowledgement that he has done some horrible things to you and the children.

Stick to what you have already arranged wrt the children. Do not cede the principle that is embodied in your agreement. Do not jump when he snaps his fingers or he will get into the habit of snapping them. Tell him the changed arrangement will not work for you and you want to stick to the already agreed schedule.

But first, make him wait for a reply. This is an ideal chance for you to train him to understand that you have a life of your own and that what are essentially interruptions to your life and train of thought (these texts of his) will be answered 'in the order they are received'/ whenever it is convenient for you. (It might also send him the message that texting you at 1am with the frankly ridiculous 'I hope I'm not waking you' is not on.)

The children need predictability, regularity and routine.

What he wants is just for himself. This demand of his is the new angry exH asserting his alleged rights over the children in order to punish you for your withholding of emotional support for him. Everything he says wrt the children and your legal/financial arrangements these days will be a means of revealing his feelings, and will have nothing to do with his function as a parent or an actor in the divorce proceedings per se. Asserting himself in the context of the arrangements about the children is also a sign that his pushback has started. Do not be tempted to appease him.

He also seems to have some sort of quid pro quo idea where he sees himself swapping the children for the papers you need. Please tell him you will pick up the papers yourself (or that he should drop the papers off at your solicitor's office where she will be expecting them at X time). You need to stop him from holding the papers hostage if this is his plan.

would it be good manners to turn up at an acquaintance's/friends/work colleague/family member's house at 8am

I don't think so

I wouldn't impose myself at 8am, especially with young children

it is typically a time of intense family action-breakfast/washing/dressing and oodles of other distractions

there is method in this madness, VB, my love

he is trying to wear you down...the erraticness, the empty "suicide" pronouncements, the attempt to assert himself, the using your house as his home, the veiled threats re. the children

stick to what suits you and dc

his doctor appt is his own affair

waiting it out at your house is just plain bad manners

he's like a bad smell, isn't he ?

H has said ignore that text, will see kids at normal time

Am reading and taking it in, MA

so he sends texts and then retracts them ?

game player

Bloody hell, the bastard

He wants me back

yup, course he does

I expect he thinks you will accede to his wishes, too