ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

He rang again in tears and said don?t say anything, hear me out.

He's been doing a lot of thinking these last few days, he's made a mistake & wants to try again
Going to move jobs
Want to come back and take me out on a date
But don?t say anything now, think about it and then tell him to get lost but hopefully not
Talk when he visits tomorrow afternoon

no pressure then ?

over to you, love x

And is tomorrow afternoon a suitable time for you to talk? He seems to be calling all the shots. Best of luck with this ongoing headache.

what are your thoughts, VB ?

christ and i thought i was being a bit simplistic this afternoon! i think this has been on his mind all along, and now he can feel you getting stronger, pulling away, he's pulled out the "big one" (in his eyes). aaagh!!!! pass me that script AF.

of course, he senses your withdrawal and burgeoning lack of respect for him

so quick smart, pull the little lady back in

really mess with her head...hey presto, he gets back in

just a blip all this then, is it ?

There is just so much wrong I just don't know where to start!

The words just tumble out in a incoherent lather.

Bloody, bloody, bloody man

As far as I knew he was still with his OW. If it has gone all wrong, it?s very recent.

Look, you don't have to talk to him

you don't have to listen to him

either tomorrow, or even at all

he is crowding you, and rushing you, he will be using that to his advantage

you can tell him you are not ready to talk....about him, you and whether you are ever going to be willing to take him back

he tries to say "no pressure" but the pressure he applying is immense

I expect the next line will be "you are not being fair to the children"

you can make him wait until you are ready to talk

you are not impelled to hear him out

I don't want the drama, don't want to see him, certainly don't want it played out in front of the children.

And I 'm not sure it will have "gone wrong" exactly, with the OW. He may still be with her of course, as much as a self obsessed man can be with anyone.

tell him you refuse to talk about him, and about what he wants

you do not have to play to his drama, seriously

you owe him nothing

he will still be "with" her, until he sees which way you are jumping

a man like this needs a soft, welcoming bosom to rest his metaphorical head on

Tomorrow is his day for seeing the children, well the afternoon is. Dcs are tracking their week as on this day we do X and on this day we see Daddy...

I could just bundle them up, bag of food and clothes, pram, and off they go. And then shut the door in his face on their return

Could do that, but am delaying the inevitable. No, I will sort it out as having it hanging over me will give me an ulcer.

Re the OW - I am guessing the following:

The reality of living in a room in a shared house, missing kids, nice meals (am a good cook - he was gutted the other day I had made lamb curry (haven;t liked curry until recently, do now!)), comforts of home, lack of money is starting to bite. Plus the OW has a life - she has a pastoral role in a school so possibly is still working this summer, rather than on teacher holidays, or it might just be she has other things to do that be with H. H did say one of the things he liked about me was that he had me to himself, that although I had friends, none intruded on his time with me (don't think that was very healthy btw)

And he's resenting, at times, her kids, possibly who don't step into neat stepchildren roles he's envisaged, her friendships with other people take up her time...this is what he means when he says he doesn't come first with her and she doesn't give him enough reassurance.

So alarm bells ringing for OW who went for what he was when married to me and has ended up with someone entirely different (not strong and a support,not going somewhere career wise, no longer comparatively wealthy) as she herself is also needy and selfish and wanted someone rich to support her.

Suspect one of them, him I imagine, he thrown a 'you don't care about me' wobbler, expecting her to placate him, and she has accused him of the same.

it doesn't matter, though, does it ?

we can speculate

you really have to not care how fucked-up his life is, or you continue to be vulnerable to him

Don't worry AF, my overwhelming feeling is one of relief and pleasure that she is not (hopefully) in his life as she was such a threat to the wellbeing of my dcs.

Whilst coping with 3 small children is incredibly hard, physically and at times emotionally, and no I don?t enjoy being poor, and yes moving is going to be a complete upheaval to their lives?I don?t want him back

It comes down to, do I respect him? No. Do I trust him? No.

The children would be ecstatic if he came back but if he throws that one at me, will be tempted to do him bodily violence, as he certainly didn't give that much thought when he was sailing off into his future with OW

VB, might be worth revisiting your old thread and the wise words from WWIFN, your H (at best) is hugely vulnerable to infidelity. This isn't a case of him saying "I want you back" he has deep issues that he has to resolve, like an illness that isn't cured. The OW wasn't the true factor in the breakup she is a symptom of his vulnerabilities. He clearly needs counselling to resolve his issues but I suspect he will refuse to take that path alone. He needs someone, be it you or the OW or indeed someone new to be his partner through that journey.

he certainly "needs" someone, full stop

the stupid fucker can't stand on his own two feet, never mind take any responsibility for his own actions

manchild

But am dreading tomorrow, if he does that crying/wailing thing [shudder]

I could be totally blunt and hard, it's what he deserves.

But I don't want him to spiral into some deep pit. Need him to stay ok for the kids and our financial well-being

So am just going to say there is no trust anymore.