ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Oh that's brilliant

Time you had a bit of good luck,

Lets start the celebrations early with and and a wee bit more

not too much now, you need to get the DC's up in the morning

Doha, thank you for your offer of , although am a cheap date total lightweight. Am just giddy with relief.

I'm so glad you've had some good news, VB. Cheers!

That's so nice to hear, it's about time you had a bit of good luck!

Congratulations VB. Glad something is going right at long last. Treat yourself to a bottle!

Jesus. He is a tool of the highest order. He's a teacher? I wouldn't let him in charge of my pet hamster. Has he never heard of the General Teaching Council? They love poking about for teacher misdemeanours. Leaving little kids unsupervised for that long? I'd be stopping access or insisting it is in a contact centre until he proves he can act in a responsible way. Muppet.

He's a teacher? A TEACHER!!! He left the little children on their own??? Just can't believe this!

Nothing else to say apart from best of luck!

I DO have something else to say after re-reading your thread!

It seems as if you want CM to report your H; why don't you do it yourself, VB? It is a crime to leave children unsupervised - report him to the police and SS

In terms of reporting him, it wouldn't go to the GTC (do they even operate now?) as it isn't a teaching matter nor would I, as their mother, report the children's father to Ofsted.

It is very hard trying to weigh up what's in the best interests of the children - their personal safety, which he has now given assurances having been 'informed' by my good self, against them being able to see him. For instance, tonight it seems they've had a lovely time with their father and have been happy and laughing all evening after being out with him. He's bought dc1 a controller for some old console he plays, having gone to the trouble to track it down and buy it & has made a little boy v happy. This is not to excuse him, and have no doubt he'll be a complete tit again soon, but it illustrates just in a small way what it would mean to the dcs if I withdrew access. And that's always my quandary. Am not dismissing what's happened, have spelt out plainly what leaving the children alone means for his access so the threat is there, but I do try to be measured and not act in haste when it means decisions that majorly impact the dcs (that's H's preserve)

Maybe put this one down to experience..as long as he doesn't do it again! He clearly just didn't think..he should have done but he didn't. You ALWAYS put your dcs first, he could learn a lot from you!

I think they've been repealed VB! I'm open to correction though.

As far as I remember from my teaching days police involvement is always reported to the GTC. So even if your offence is completely non-related to teaching, the GTC could still haul you up in front of their kangaroo court for unteacher-like conduct :)

In the case of your not -so-DH, he is still a tool.

Lasarusb, think what you've said is what I've decided really, having pointed out to H how fortunate he is. Have debated does my solicitor need to be informed but I don't want her to take any action and she will only bill me for her advice!

Sharkie, you are totally right about the GTC, in all aspects! H too.

Does anyone know, now I'm in receipt of tax credits to cover my childcare outlay, does that mean that H stops spousal maintenance?

He pays 25% of his salary in child maintenance for the 3, which I guess in non negotiable, and it covers most essential household bills, and then he also pays in addition spousal maintenance (which as the moment is another 25% of his salary) covering the shortfall, which is essentially the cost of the mortgage. My salary about meets the cost of childcare, fuel for the car and food - there isn't anything left over. I realise that in calculations it's just seen in terms of one big pot of income and expenditure.

So by my claiming tax credit for childcare, does his spousal maintenance end/his salary go back up?

Bump - hoping you get info on the spousal maintenance, I have no idea

Thinking about your house selling strategy - right now you are not really selling your house, you are fishing for someone who will fall in love with it, and be prepared to pay over the odds. It is a good strategy, under the circumstances, where you are not quite ready to move yet. I am doing the same thing with job hunting, fishing for my dream job.

But, it is a good idea to think about when, or what it would take, for you to change your strategy and price your house to sell. There is no hurry about doing that.

Darn it, I thought it was priced to sell! By I suppose if it was, it would have sold - even if it only brings out only the speculator investor!

My focus at the moment is on sorting the financial affairs (as well as a myriad of balls to be juggled at work) but I think post Christmas, Jan/Feb time will look again at the house situation. Thanks WhollyGhost.

And am pretty sure that my claiming benefits means H directly benefits, as it counts as my income, and he will no longer need to pay spousal. I need to look though at my expenditure again, as we were living pretty much hand to mouth and were in no way maintaining a similar standard of living that the solicitor spoke about. Thinking about spreadsheets, liabiltities & costs gives me a headache!

You need to take some of your money and go to your solicitor with your questions about support. Forget Christmas for the time being. The legal aspects of your situation both wrt finances and the children's safety are your first priority here.

You need to get that letter sent to your ex, and the sol needs to make threatening noises about the suitability of your ex's living arrangements and habits (leaving them alone with adults who are unknown quantities) as well as leaving the DCs alone in their own home. At the very least both incidents need to be noted and what better way to do it... Talking on the phone in the car is a worry too. However, he may use 'I was in the car' as an excuse not to answer your calls if you blow the whistle on that.

For your ex to say Yes Yes Yes, and then offer an example of how well they do alone shows he still doesn't believe you at all that anything can go wrong while he takes the path of least responsibility while nominally in charge of them. He must believe he is coated in teflon and has a magic cape somewhere. A nutter in other words.

Really appreciate it when you are forthright and cut to the chase MA As have said before, sometimes I can't see the wood from the trees and you've pinpointed what's important.

As soon as the paperwork is back from Tax Credits, will send it all to her and then book in to discuss it. Have received a letter from her saying now is the time to sort the finances anyway but was thinking I had loads of time - but I see that's an error. Will at the same time, raise the issue of H leaving the children alone and see what she says.

Am off to email her secretary

Valentinebombshell i am a longtime lurker who has been following your thread and just want to say that I think you are amazing! I don't know how you have kept your calm dealing with this poor excuse for a man. Having been there, done that I promise you that you will get through this and that whether or not he will admit it openly - your twat of an ex knows you are the better person and he will in times of clarity realise how low he has stooped. Do not let him make you doubt yourself- that is his game plan, he is trying to kid himself and if he can make you believe the hype then he feels a wee bit better. You are an inspiration, I wish I was as strong as you!

Thank you Poppyandme for the reassurance and it so encouraging to hear from someone further down the line who is doing well, as sometimes I do think bloody hell, when does the twattiness stop?

With that in mind am sorting out an appt with the solicitor's secretary to discuss both finances and H's latest conduct, as matters have become more pressing on that score again [sigh]

Didn't post last night as just couldn't face the wtf?/you must do something posts whilst dealing with my own wtf/I must do something but what? reaction. Hoped for a quiet times on the home-front as work is high stress this week, and in fact ILs have got dc3 for a few days to give me the time to prepare, but it's not to be.

Amongst lesser unhappinesses, dc1 told me that H was being threatened by a boy in a carpark on Saturday and it made him and dc2 frightened and they cried. He gradually revealed these threats were made in a phone call, so not in person, but they were in the car when H took the call and then H was on the phone to a lady (OW) to say she was paying for the phone for the boy to make the threats (so presumably her teenage son?)

The piecemeal revelations, dc1 worried about insignificant things but artlessly revealing more serious matters, just highlighted for me, if I ever needed it, how young my dcs are, and certainly too young for this. H told the children "don't tell Mummy"

H had, of course, mentioned none of this on Sunday, and instead pressed me again for the dcs to meet with the OW as they were all so settled and secure.

Again not telling me, but coming from dc1, H has also told them about his 'friend' which resulted in a lot of questions from dc1 that I had to field/deal with yesterday evening. Dc1 had waiting since Saturday until last night when he knew he could talk to me on his own

Dc2 got in my bed last night as she had a nightmare about Daddy.

Oh yes, I am simmering.

I'm other lurker and occaissional poster.

But I would sending H a letter today from your solicitor that he is now on his final warning one more minor/major incident then you will be withdrawing visitation of the children until a contact centre be set up, as you know longer trust him with the health and safety and emotional wellbeing of your children.

And don't fall for any of his rubbish when yet again he promiseI can see he doesn't care about anything except getting the OW into your children life. So his life can be what he wants.

This is horrible for you and for your children.

"Don't tell mummy" -- you need to tell the solicitor about this. He is behaving very badly.

A threat to end visitation or a call for supervised visitation only at a centre are appropriate responses here. But they will probably only result in lip service to your specific issues this time and you will be faced with more and more reports of different things he has done that are unacceptable as time goes on, and will have to deal with each little (or large) thing week after week. It will be like water torture for you and you will never be able to relax when they are with him.

For the time being, do not give in to any pressure for the DCs to meet the OW or her children. I managed to make exH wait a year from the date of our divorce to meet his gf. We hammered out an agreement on this and other matters during mediation.

It might be worth your while, even though you already have your decree nisi, to get your ex to go to mediation with you where you can decide on 'etiquette' questions, set ground rules for visitation. Maybe you could ask your solicitor if she knows of any family therapists who would do a few sessions. If there are no mutually agreed rules you will end up going nuts as your ex charges full steam ahead into the sunset with your bewildered children in tow on weekends. This man obviously needs to have some very basic elements of what it means to be an adult spelled out for him and mediation might be a way to do it. Maybe you could even have a review session every 6 months for a few years..