ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

I am shocked - you have not over reacted. So his way of coping with childcare was to to leave the kids alone..grief.

Of course it's a pain to get kids in/out of cars for journeys BUT as a parent you have to do it. Not sure what you do but I do think you need to record this and flag the issue to him..only hope that he doesn't make the kids refuse to tell you things in the future.

That is most useful Mummytime, thank you,will send it to him. He takes dc1 to rugby shortly, so after I've spoken to him he can reflect. No intention of involving the police, as dont think that is beneficial.

Have to go, H is here

Oh dear, every time I catch up with this thread I hope that your exH has taken his head out of his arse, but it appears surgery might be needed for that.

I agree that police involvement is a step too far at this stage, but potentially if his reaction is a bit 'yeah whatever' when you talk to him about it, a strongly worded solicitor's letter might be a way forward.

You are coping so well with all his twattery... I wish you didn't have to

I've just read this whole thread, and am in awe of how strong you have been and how well you've handled this. I agree with the last poster that a strongly worded solicitor's letter might be the best way to handle his latest fuckwittery.

One thing that jumps out at me - the house is holding you back from moving on with your life. I think you should consider reducing the price to sell, rather than continuing to chase the market downwards. It will make a huge difference to you, psychologically, to have a new home of your own. To start getting established in your new community. Moving will be tough on you and the dc, but it draws a line under the debacle, and will allow you to disentangle your finances.

You are really inspirational.

I would think the solicitor definitely needs to know about leaving the children alone in any case. It's evidence for his not being a responsible parent. Supposing an arrangement were eventually made for them to spend weekday nights / weekends / part of school holidays with him and he pulled this kind of stunt?

Inform your solicitor of the "home alone" shenanigans

That is seriously a very bad judgement call, IMO

Was he always so laissez-faire about child safety when you were together ?

If you can't trust the kids father to have their well-being at the forefront of his mind, then that is a very sorry situation indeed

I am really sorry, VB

Bloody hell, VB he just gets worse doesn't he?

Long time lurker here - I think you're doing an amazing job with your DCs.

I second telling your solicitor about him leaving the kids alone - that's a recipe for disaster if I've ever heard one. Extrapolating that to the future... at least this time they were in their own home and know the rules and how everything works. Imagine leaving them home alone in a house/flat they don't know (ie. on an access weekend) when they decide to make some toast, oops it's stuck, let's use a knife to get it out... I can't imagine your exH is thinking about this and I hope I haven't scared you but this is exactly why I think you should mention it to your solicitor at the very least. I agree no point with police at this point.

Yay for the decree nisi anyway! Hope the house sells soon.

Dharma, WhollyGhost, AF and Hevak, you are totally correct, I should inform my solicitor and have another letter sent to him, but just can?t afford to do it at the moment.

And as always with ex-H , he just keeps on giving?

This morning, it wasn?t H, but just someone in the drive with a similar coloured car, and he arrived late for getting dc1 to rugby, so no time to talk. He then rang whilst driving with dc1 so told him we?d speak when a)he was safe to do so and b) didn?t have dc1 listening. Dc2 overheard me and said, ?Daddy talks on the phone in the car, is it naughty??

H admitted to leaving the dcs in the house (and had in fact done a couple of times when we were still together!) but he ?could see why I wouldn?t like it? and said he would not do so again. I pointed out all the implications: accident in the house/too much responsibility for dc1 to look after dc2/what would have happened if he had broken down/if someone had come to the door/if they?d said they were home alone in front of a teacher and the impact for his having access. He kept saying ?yes?, ?yes?, he knew all this. I said in that case if he knew it all why on earth did he leave them alone? He said he had realised it might not have been a good idea, when he rang from the chip shop to tell them to get out some knives and forks for dinner and they didn?t answer, and realised they had no way of getting hold of him or vice versa. He asked did I not ever leave them alone, and in reponse said whilst I of course made errors of judgement as parent, it did not include leaving them alone in a house whilst I was nowhere near.

He then gave an example he thought that would amply illustrate how capable the dcs are, that just compounded matters. On access days, he and dc3 have gone for a sleep at nap time in H?s room and he?s left dc1 & 2 three floors downstairs in the living room, watching TV, in a shared house of other adults that H rooms with. He thought my reaction to this was completely ?out of proportion? and that I was seeing ?paedophiles on every corner?!. But again he?d abide by my wishes and they would watch TV in his room and he would do better in future.

There was more said but that?s the edited highlights. He sees that he?s made errors but thinks it?s all a mountain out of a molehill. Brother & SIL, who visited today, and my father were just astounded.

And WhollyGhost, have been wondering just that, about selling the house and even ruing the offer we both turned down, as subsequently I did lower the house price so the cheeky offer became marginally less cheeky. The idea of cutting my losses certainly appeals. But practically don't think I will ever get H to agree to a low offer, it impacts upon what I can buy and coping with a house move right now might finish me off!

< speechless >

this man is not a good husband (we knew that), nor even a good parent (as is becoming apparent)

I have been reading this thread over a couple of days (am on a short holiday without children - thanks Mum and Dad!) and I am ASTOUNDED!!!! Astounded at the fuckwittery of your (practically) ex-H but also at your responses in the face of such fuckwittery! You are being a great mother and very strong individual. Go you! I am sure this will all improve as time ticks on....keep on keeping on VB! Will continue watching this thread and rooting (it is rooting isn't it and not routing?!) for you! Another for you to add to the pile
X

Know it's bad if you're speechless AF!

TAB, how lovely of your mum & dad to treat you! Thank you for your and other's kinds words but I really don't feel overly strong; where doctor thinks I might have an ulcer was hurting last night which might be a response to feeling aghast by H but Gaviscon is my friend! Am just trying to be the immovable rock for dcs buffeted by H but wonder too if that means I am standing still in other respects, biding time until the house is sold.

Maybe consider where you see yourself in five years time. Settled in a new house of your own, which you've made into a comfortable, happy home. With new friends and maybe lovers. Working in your current job, or perhaps a better one, which brings you more financial security. With three school-age children! Life will be sweet again.

You'll probably look back on this time as the hardest of your life, and feel pride in yourself for coming through it.

Practically speaking, have a look on rightmove at what similar houses nearby have actually sold for. Have an honest discussion with your estate agent. If and when you do sell, be sure and use an all bells and whistles removal firm to do everything for you, and count that in the costs of your move. The move will be hard, but it is a new begining.

Hi VB. Your stbxh never ceases to amaze me. Just a bit of 'stop and think' would be good for him.

As regards your possible ulcer, I used to suffer from one and I found that drinking milk in the evening helped a LOT. I know it isn't the same as tea and coffee or a glass of wine but it really reduces pain! I spent a lot on Gaviscon before I discovered that

Yep, speechless over here too. Good god. Speechless. I know solicitor's letters cost money but you should certainly be making a note of all this and telling your Solicitor, I reckon.

I've never sold a house so can't offer sagacity there but I second, third and fourth what wholly said about getting a good firm of movers to do everything for you - they pack, they move, they unpack. Then you can do things like shimmy side tables and put up pictures to your heart's content, but you won't be (as) shattered by the move itself.

It is a nice picture, the 5-years-from-now VB who lives in a calm, pleasant, un-badgered manner. You thoroughly deserve it!

That's a wealth of good advice, thank you. Was at WhollyGhost's portrait of my life 5 years down the line and lovers plural! Am impatient for H to be old history and to get to this new life, although treasuring the times with the dcs who are just at lovely stages. Helpfully, because of another underlying medical condition that causes me very few problems, I get all my prescriptions free, so could probably bathe in Gaviscon if it would help, certainly feel I've had a gallon or two of late!

House is on at the lowest EA estimate and it's had 3 viewings in 4 months, one offer but the offer was low. But EAs say that there just isn't the traffic out there and certainly the only properties with sold signs next to them are either first time buyer terraces or whacking reductions (friend sold after dropping price by 25%) that means they're probably selling at a loss. So maybe should have gone with the low offer with the original EA from the first viewing in the first week. It's a quiet and very safe part of the world for bringing up children or to retire to, less appealing if you want vibrant nightlife or cosmopolitan living, income is below the nat. average and so are the house prices, - mine is a large 4 bed at the end of a private drive, with room to extend, a minute from open countryside at 230,000 - just about commutable to London (about 15 mins to choice of 2 stations, st pancreas 61 mins) and other cities nearer but all the interest has been very much local. Was thinking of going the Offers Over route/picture refresh. And when we move you've certainly sold the idea of having movers do everything - bliss!

I don't have to sell, just would very much like to!

Another de-lurker here who is full of admiration for you VB so apologies if I have misunderstood. Is this man a teacher? He needs you to point out to him that it is unacceptable to leave young children alone or with semi-strangers??? What would you do if your child's teacher had done this?

Hello again, I have been keeping up with your posts, and nodding sagely in approval of all your actions. You are doing well.

I have sold a number of houses, and in my experience it is easy to get dispirited with the lack of viewings/offers. But remember it only takes one purchaser to get a sale and they quite often come along when you least expect them. Try not to get too unsettled about the lack of a sale so far.

Once again best wishes to you. You are becoming quite an inspiration on MN!

MissMap, it's really helpful to have your advice about selling a house from a seasoned pro! Have only ever sold one and that was at the height of the market in busy SE. And am certainly not sure about 'inspiration on MN' , it's just a very long thread which is testimony to the depths H keeps on sinking to and the lovely MNers who have given me such sound, measured advice and invaluable support . I really really don't know what I would have done without it.

Hi VB, we sold our flat Aug '09. It was on the market for over a year, had a fair stream of viewers but no offers at all. We moved into my parents, got all our stuff out, and two weeks later we had an offer which went all the way. Ours also went for 25% less that the original asking price. But it was ok because we got a similar amount off the house we bought.

Not sure that helps, but good luck!

Letmehelpyou, hello, and yes, sadly you are correct, H is a teacher. He is/was an exceptional one, producing amazing results/excellent relationships with tough kids in a challenging environment (think Educating Essex but with more criminality). I can't obviously say what he's like now, as I don't have a window into that world any more, but he has I think burnt his bridges there [see upthread] and he ought to be looking elsewhere to start afresh but of course OW works there. I can't judge him as a teacher with our dcs but I do judge him as a parent who is falling well short.

My CM saw me today to get an update on how it went with H and she said that it was only because she knew the situation/has been a terrific support to me and knew who was at fault, that she did not report it to Ofsted as she should do.

What would be the implications of reporting to Ofsted? Presumably authorities involved and what likely outcome?

That wasn't very good English, what I meant was what would be the likely outcome of my CM reporting H leaving the children alone to Ofsted?

Okay from my limited experience OFSTED wouldn't be interested. She should be reporting it to whoever she has to report "safeguarding" concerns to, probably someone within the LA (I doubt this is OFSTED). The would then make a note of it, and probably not do anything; or contact either/both you and H to discuss it.
Actually she is making a big mistake in not reporting it, even as a favour for you, this is how horror stories happen.
The whole point is if everyone reports when they have a concern, then hopefully something is spotted early on (eg. she has a concern, your GP has a concern, the school has a concern and so on). Lots of little things can be the sign of a big problem.

That's exactly what I wondered, mummytime, maybe she should? I have no desire to cause trouble for myself or the dcs, but wouldn't want her to put herself out on a limb, especially where H is concerned, and maybe he ought to face up to the consequences of his actions.

Today he was meant to see the dcs after school, and did, but only for about half an hour as he was late/didn't tell me he had a meeting. Older dcs can cope, and anyway, they're having a lovely time at the CMs but dc3 was miserable with tiredness when he got home.

But I've received some good news

Rang the inland revenue about the refused tax credit claim, who said ignore the last letter, it was sent out by mistake, and perhaps I'd like to sit down as they were about to put a lot of money in my bank account!

Must admit had tears in my eyes when they told me, it is such a relief. Can now pay the house insurance, dcs can stop living off '...on toast' and Christmas is going to be lovely.

D'you think there's still time to get the sprouts on? [anxious]