ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Blackcurrants, am saving that up for another day (on 2nd round of this sickness bug thanks to sharing dc3) but certainly made me

Reading your threads VB and am amazed by how your story could very well be my own with the exception of the supportive ILs.

I admire your strength and wish I could have just a fraction of it for myself.

You are an absolute star VB, as are your lovely dcs. They must make you smile so much...stomach bugs allowing obviously. It's all about appreciating the good things isn't it, which is why you can hold your head high while your H is scrabbling in the mud looking for ways to bite your ankles. I have NO idea where that analogy came from - sorry

We salute your strength in this house!

Hope it isn't the same for you, but here it's half term and cue the sickness bugs! The 2nd bout of sickness turned out to be gastroenteritis with possible ulcer - if it is, am naming it H. Had to visit the out-of-hours service with kids in tow in early hours of Saturday, am very impressed with their willingness to give me lots of lovely pain medication.

Unfortunately H's response to us all being ill is to say he was thinking of telling the children about the OW today, was that ok? His viewpoint is there is no possible reason for the dcs not to be introduced to her, there aren't any issues. He didn't ask how the dcs are doing or remember to turn up to their parents' evening this week.

He also said he wanted the children for a sleepover later this week but might be going away midweek and not be available Whilst I have no objection to a holiday sleepover, told him it was unacceptable to drop the dcs like a hot potato if a better offer came along and whilst he may think he's a free spirit, our week is extremely busy, fitting in all the things we don't have time for in term time, and he either needed to plan ahead and commit, or else accept he would have to fit in around us. So this morning he committed to the sleepover.

Twat

Am going to accept all your offers of MN

What Doha said.

Hope you and the DCs feel better soon, feel free to self medicate on

ARGH WHAT A TWAT!

Well done you, sticking to your guns. How's your H? is it clearing up? I hope the medication is helping you bear the discomfort.

oh yes, that is a good name. H. Like it!

He really is just all ME, ME, ME isn't he?

How could he forget the parents evenings? Your DCs must have been pretty disappointed.

How self-centred to be thinking about introducing the OW when the DCs are ill.

Blackduck has it spot on.

I feel besieged by him at the moment, can almost feel him tactically positioning himself. But acknowledge that I could also being a tad over-sensitive because am unwell.

Phone call from the ILs to say he'd been back in contact with them. FIL told him a few home truths first. H not happy at what I had told them apparently, and wanted to visit the ILs with the OW. Said I'd only sent him one email about parents eve weeks ago (yes, I am still responsible it seems for his calendar) FIL said MIL was kinder to him than he was, but they don't want to see him yet, but he can ring every now and again.

Don't get me wrong, am totally surprised that ILs have taken the stance they have and very grateful for their invaluable support but also knew, eventually, they'd have to soften towards H - he is MIL's only child and they have found this all very hard. However, H is annoyed that I have their support and is keen to remove it. He is also aware my facilitating the contact between dcs and grandparents is making him look bad and he would like to be the one taking the dcs to see his parents as he gets to play happy families with the OW, making the family unit complete once more.

Have subsequently had very obsequious texts from H about the sleepover and about being in contact with his parents and how useful he found getting their perspective. I prefer it either when he's a straight out arse or just absent.

Am feeling bitter and sad today and am not liking it. Will give myself a stern talking to later.

He will only be playing at happy families though won't he. The DCs will be coming home to you; he knows it and the GPs know it. You hold the trump cards.

He will not be your DCs knight in shining armour ever again as he has upset their mum and destroyed the family unit. He will have to work very hard from now on to make sure they are even speaking to him in ten years time.

You don't need a stern talking-to, VB

he does

he's not gonna accept any of it though

ou just keep on making sure that you suit yourself

one text to let him know of something...after that, it's up to him

the time frame for dc's meeting OW should be still be the one you agreed, he is continuing to be an arse by pushing those boundaries all the time

don't be manipulated, and don't be bullied

you are doing fine x

How are you, VB

And do listen to the wise words above. You don't need a stern anything, you need a hug and some cake and above all you need to remember that you are recovering from a major life trauma, regularly having insult added to injury, and in the face of all of that you are strength, dignity and grace personified. You are Grace Fucking Kelly and I know this, because I say so. Mmmkay?
[hsmile]

HE needs a stern reminder - that HE and his OW broke up your family. You didn't choose this situation, he did. I'd be more than happy to give it to him on your behalf too. He is in complete denial about his behaviour and what is has done to your dcs, his own parents and you.

Also, even if your MIL is softening towards him a bit, she still realises what he has done and she is still uncomfortable about it. I don't blame you for being angry - I'd be a screaming banshee - but don't blame yourself or hold yourself to account!

Repeat after me "He is a twunt, he is a twunt..." (I'm being polite here!)

Am wondering if I might be hormonal - again - as I am feeling a great urge to line up your H's face and thwack it with a baseball bat. Several times.

naah, if that's hormonal then I've been like that since I started to read VB's first thread, which makes me a medical miracle!

Speaking of miracles, how is our miracle of forbearance and patience and gritted teeth doing this week?

Hi Everyone, thanks for checking up on me, and particularly for the reassurance and TLC. After being poorly, have been so busy with RL, children and work, that I've been going to bed after I've finished working in the evenings, leaving no time for VIM (Very Important MNing).

Dc3 is back on the reflex meds, after weeks of disturbed nights and repeated hosing off in the bath, poor wee chap, but thankfully it seems to be working. The Tax Credits are still not through, had another letter yesterday asking for virtually the same information they already have, just over a longer period. Must admit my heart sank as financially things are precarious and the tax credit payment would make a big difference, so am guessing it'll be the other side of Christmas before I get any decision from them. The microwave died today too in spectacular fashion, but on the positive side my decree nisi is through so H is ex-H, or near enough.

And H...or ex-H. Well confrontation is looming.

I had to work late one day this week, and dcs wanted to go to the school fancy dress Halloween disco the same night (dc1 has had a costume he was really keen to wear, having been poorly at Halloween) The disco times are staggered according to the key stage they are in, so it's a bit of a palaver getting them to and from, especially with dc3 in tow as it's his bedtime. So with misgivings, said that in my absence H could pick them up from the childminder/nursery, bring them home, feed them and take them to the disco. First time H has been allowed in the house since I stopped him coming in after the summer holiday shenanigans and the only time he has been allowed in unsupervised. Made sure he collected the key from the childminder in the evening so had no time to make himself a copy (was my main worry) and when I got back from work everything seemed to have gone well - dc3 in bed, all fed, dc2 back from the disco, dc1 due back accompanied by a friend's parent. Dc2 even asked H to read to her a bedtime story, and took him by the hand to show him where her bedroom was, as she thought he didn't know. H left sharpish after that as think he found it all a bit much.

However, I had a phone call tonight from my concerned childminder, who said my dcs had told her children that they had been left alone in the house by H - which they confirmed tonight when I asked. H had collected them from the childminder in the car, left them at the house, then driven off to get dc3 from nursery and then onto the fish and chip shop and then returned. Minimum time 25mins - more likely 40-45mins. CM also mentioned that when H took dc2 to and from the disco, he was only seen with dc3, not dc1, so presumably he was left at home on his own then too (will check with dc1 tomorrow).

I know you'll tell me if I'm over-reacting to this, but am shocked.

Ermm...my unbelievably crap nowadays memory might be completely off here (I really hope it is!) but isn't your dc1 only about 7 and your dc2 a couple of years younger? If that's the case, and it's not that dc1 is much older, then OMG - you are SO not over-reacting!!!

What would you do if you suspected a neighbour/friend were leaving their 7 year old and younger at home alone?

I'm really sorry, what an awful, awful thing. I would involve the police. I'm sorry.

I can't remember how old your children are. But no he shouldn't have left the children alone.

I would have thought he would want to spend the whole time with them.

No you are not over reacting. I think you need to know if and how many times this has happened before.

I wouldn't call the police, you might however want to send/give him a copy of this. You could also tell him the CM had brought this to your attention.
I wouldn't accuse him but inform him.
I'm afraid in future you probably need to get other Mothers involved as he doesn't sound as if he's responsible (or hire a teenager with specific instructions).

Thank you for confirming what I think. With exH who lives in some parallel world I end up doubting what should be totally obvious! Dc1 is 7.5 and dc2 is 5.5. Both are good kids but they fight and spat like a lot of siblings (in fact just had to intervene in a "dc1 is being horrible dispute") If disaster had befallen them whilst on their own or if the dcs had told teachers at school...well it's just is horrendous really - H is a total plank.

And yes, you are right, this has now left me questioning are the dcs safe when he has them or a one-off lapse of judgement? (of which he seems to have many)