ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

I just don't get what he's trying to achieve with a text like that. Does he really think you're going to reply "oh SUDDENLY I see that you are completely wrong, go ahead and piss on everything, why don't you, what a jolly good plan!"

UGHGHGHHGHGh he is so infuriating and I don't even have to deal with him!
Ahem. But you do. How are you? Did you respond, or is that the kind of text that is basically "rarr I am cross so will send you a pointed message." ? The tone of it is so affronted/wounded... like he still expects you to be mopping up his emotions for him.
Git.

First time he's mentioned it.

Haven't responded. I usually have such an arrghhh response to most of his texts that I have to go away and compose myself.

Oh honey. I'm not surprised. This is a bit more of a bombshell too, isn't it - may indicate that they have already seen too much of the OW for your liking. :(

He is a prick of the highest order - I may have mentioned that before but it bears repeating.

When I do respond to his texts often I write what I really think, like "You are such a complete Norbert, full of yourself and no one else", then delete the character assassination and re-frame it totally to put the dcs' interests first, which is a relationship with their dad, and prod his conscience into doing the right thing. It's plays on my mind and is time consuming; really have no wish to be his conscience showing him how to be a decent human being - but dcs get the impact if I don't.

it really does. It bears being tattooed on his bloody face.

(sorry, it's early here, I've just woken up and I'm bit grumpy)

Yes true, but as H's TA (she isn't, but he does have a TA so guess the giving a lift home/bumped into my TA was probably OW and not the 60 yr old I've met!)

It confirms his tosser status, but further revelations of the extent betrayal are immaterial really (or maybe put into cold storage for me to deal with later). Dcs are important now.

you're absolutely right - and they are lucky to have you there to look out for them.

Hmmm. Have had another thought. You have no way of verifying how much or little contact your DC have had with OW's DD short of asking them, which might be a bit confusing for them (so I wouldn't do it) - perhaps he's lying, and working on the principle that if you believe him, you will think "oh well, if they've already met the OW and her DD, then there's no real reason to stop them meeting again" and just give into his suggestions. It could be a devious ploy rather than the truth!

Even if it is the truth, and he is trying to get you to back down because they've already met OW and her DD, don't do it until you are ready. it's your call, not his.

VB a lurker here, you are amazing. My concern with last email based on his form is it sounds like ow will be at bowling and they could accidentally 'oh look I didn't plan it' end up together or am I just being tres paranoid on your behalf?

You can be paranoid for me; I clearly haven't been paranoid enough! Big wrench from having absolute faith in someone, because he was so very 'straight', to none at all. Said before upthread, when he 'made a mistake' and took our dcs to the park with OW and going against the statement of arrangements, that it hits you how alone you are. Although no longer together as a couple, you think you are both working together in the best interests of the kids, to suddenly find oh no you're not.

Been giving this a lot of thought and maybe I'm wrong. Have been looking at this the wrong way. I've shifted position re the OW from the initial ?not over my dead body? (which is still the instinctive response if honest), to pragmatically recognising the dcs will have to meet her (well officially meet her as OW/gf, not as H has done), quite some time ago - hence what is says in the statement of arrangements signed back in May - but H keeps sabotaging the process.

All the advice, from every source I've read, and certainly the approach my solicitor takes, is dcs need to get used to seeing us separately, with all the adjustments that entails, but H has not kept to access; upset the dcs at handover with his parting shots; had a hiatus in the summer from OW and begged to come back/said he still loved me in front of the dcs; broke his word about them not meeting OW until dcs are ready & it's mutually agreed...he has slowed the whole process down with his actions, he is delaying the dcs getting to that point.

Maybe I should tell him?

OH yes, do that! Point out that his mistakes are causing the problem and that his bad behaviour (showing himself up) is delaying the DC coming to terms with the new family situation. Yes yes! Do it :)

I am wondering if you have seen the OW's DH and how is he coping. These two pieces of work have upset so many people .

Re: Christmas, if you're going to let him in to your house to watch present-opening, you're a nicer person than I. He's already ruined Christmas by his behaviour this year, why let him over the threshold to compound it further by attempting to play happy families? The kids probably won't even notice he's not there. He needs to feel the consequences of his actions. Leave your wife and family for a slapper deep-and-meaningful BJ relationship? Don't expect to have the good bits at Christmas either.

Hi Clam, no he isn't invited to Christmas - planned and sorted a while ago - H won't have thought that far ahead. Don't know if he expects to be, but have assumed he'll spend it with the person he's left to be with & her family, why wouldn't he? And if there are complications there, that's not my issue.

The dcs have already talked through Christmas with me! It's Very Important in this house. They told me Daddy wouldn't be here for Christmas.

Christmas is going to be different this year whatever. So have invited my dad, the ILs (+2 dogs) and the noise and chaos will be a happy distraction. If H was here to play happy families for a few hours before disappearing to the OW's it would be almost too much for the dcs and no one else in the family would come if H was here. Think it's better all round if the dcs go to his on the 26th (or the 24th which is a Saturday and his day) and have a 2nd Christmas there, although haven't framed it as '2nd Christmas with Daddy' in case that leads to expectations that aren't met.

Empire, no I don't know the OW's H and have no plans to contact him. He is allegedly an abusive alcoholic and has been unfaithful himself, but that's what H told me (H conveniently forgets about the OW's earlier affair/s) although I believe OW's H is still in the family home, their youngest child is a daddy's girl and the eldest may choose to live with his father as he's unhappy about H.

H turned up very late to get dc1 to rugby. No explanation or apology.

He really does himself no favours.

Vb I think you are remarkably restrained, I'm sure most would have blown up by now.

You are doing everything right, firm, clear boundaries. He seems to need that.

I get the impression you are not ready yet but, I do think what you are doing will help when you move on yourself. Perhaps you should tell him that with regards to the OW? "of course the same steady approach will apply when I'm ready to introduce the DCs to my new partner".

That might put some wind up his tail pipe!

Good luck and stay strong x

Y'know, I rather love your DCs as well, VB. In fact, your whole family sounds lovely and wonderful apart from your H who seems to have turned into some cock-driven selfish bastard.

I didn't realise that the DC had already said and fully accepted that this Christmas would be Daddy-free - good for them and ignore my comment re. present opening - that would only have been worth doing if they desperately wanted to see him on the actual day.

In a spirit of pure meanness (mine) I would try and ensure that your DC see their father on Christmas Eve rather than Boxing Day, because one could assume that OW is busy sorting out her own DC/Christmas that day, so would be less likely to impinge on your DC's day with their dad. Plus, you really want to stick to that routine as much as you can so he has no comeback! [hgrin]

Sorry - I'm back again! (Thank you for your concern VB - we've had 2 bereavements, 1 terminal illness, 2 car accidents, 2 pets die, an unexpected £1000+ bill for our car, dd started secondary school, ds1 has had some difficulties with his gf and...if that wasn't enough I started Uni which entails 5 hours travelling a day when I'm there! ).

Anyhow...in reference to your H's text..the definition of harm in law encompasses psychological harm. He needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, either by you, your ILs or your solicitor that his comments and behaviour, his threats to involve the OW and his apparent intention to ignore what has been agreed is emotionally abusive to your children. There is a good reason he can no longer come into your home, sit around and carry on as if he belongs there. You didn't ask for any of this, he is just reaping what he sowed.

As for Christmas, don't let him know your arrangements until he asks, then present it as a done deal (which it is). FWIW, my Dad let me Mum come home for present unwrapping for the first 2 Christmases after she left...my brother and I were really annoyed and wouldn't open our presents until she'd gone (we were 12 and 9). We felt she'd opted out of all that, so I can understand your dcs feelings on that count.

Also, if they meet the OW and ask if she was H's gf when you split I would be inclined to say yes. You shouldn't have to lie for him on any level. He needs to be the one to explain his actions not you.

I agree with lazarus on that last point - what your DC need from you now is honesty. No more lies/deceit - they've had enough of that from your H - they need to know they can trust you implicitly.

(Lazarus - at your recent goings on - hope you're ok.)

Thanks - forgot to mention my back problem too! I just keep reminding myself about all the good things in my life which are many and we've had a good run for a few years now!

I mentioned the last bit because, if the dcs ask and VB says no, at some point in the future they may discover the truth and they don't need both parents lying to them, however difficult it is to be honest...

Hi VB, I hope you're doing well and the DCs are happy. For some inane reason I watched this of a 60s French Movie and thought, "this is how I want to feel when doing boring chores" - and then I thought, "everyone needs to see this cos it will cheer them up." I offer it up to this thread, in the hopes that all readers will boogie in front of a mirror at some point this week, admiring their own arses. It's good for morale!

[is off to admire self]

Thanks Thumb for the lovely comments about the dcs. Obviously am biased but they are good kids. We had a house viewing today (no feedback yet) and last night, after school, they were enthusiastically hoovering and polishing upstairs in the hope that viewers would be so impressed by their efforts they'd want to buy the house.

Lazarusb, your poor love, that is a horrendous catalogue of events, just one on their own would be enough to cope with. Hope the back is feeling better too, it's hard to be resilient and cope when you are feeling poorly.