ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Must admit I don't understand the unkindness from him - I mean, why? There just isn't any need for it. He's the one who's had the affair and left, albeit with a firm 'off you go', and now professes happiness.

A friend said H?s wedding ring comment was a low blow too. She also asked if H had ever apologised for what he had done to me, for breaking my heart? It make me laugh ruefully as it seems such a romantic soppy idea that (breaking my heart, not the apologising bit), but nearly everyone has said, ?But you were so in love? as if what has happened to us does not compute. It is important, I think, for the children to know they were born into love and that we were happy, especially for dc3 who won?t have any memory of that. But because this all was so out of the blue and sudden and H has morphed so no one recognises him as him, the situation often feels surreal - but doubt I?m going to wake up in the shower with Patrick Duffy any time soon.

He's being unkind because you refuse to throw yourself prostrate at his feet, wailing that you'll wait for him to come back to you... that's why. He can't understand why such a prize as he does not have the power to keep you in thrall even now that he has thrown away his marriage.

You're getting on with your life beautifully, taking steps to cut around him, extricating yourself whilst still maintaining a detatched relationship with him for your childrens' sake. He can't understand how you can do this and that's why he's constantly trying to be wistful with you, talking about the past and your shared history. About his wretched wedding ring - he's talking about that to try to break your resolve - and you're not budging. Of course it's a low blow, he's losing his impact with you so he's trying harder, upping the ante. Many women might have faltered at the talk of the wedding ring - you didn't. That's some strength you have inside, VB.

I absolutely think your solicitor is right. Formal is the way to go. The more you talk to him about anything really, the more he will try to push your buttons.

He can't bear the thought of not having you on 'Team Thickwit' any longer... he's lost the respect of his parents, undoubtedly some of his/your friends will have changed their views of him - and the oh so romantic relationship with other woman has been imperceptibly changed (by your fab solicitor) from Romeo and Juliet to the all too mundane 'partner'. Ha ha! I expect the scales will be falling from her eyes pretty soon and perhaps they've already fallen from his. If he were truly in love, he'd be getting on with his own relationship, not focusing constantly on you... he doesn't sound like a man in love to me. He sounds like a weak and feeble man who has made his bed, doesn't want to lie on it - but must, because all other beds are closed to him.

He doesn't want to lose face because then he'll have to admit to himself that he was wrong all along and that he's lost everything. You know that he can lie to everybody, even those he professes to love and care for... one of these days he's going to have to wake up to the realisation of what he's lost and it's going to hit him like an express train.... and you'll need to stay detatched and collected, no emotion, even though he'll be trying to cling on to you.

He already knows that you will one day find happiness with a partner again; true happiness with somebody who loves you and will also love your children. You'll be ready to move on by then, your broken heart mended. He, on the other hand, will have nothing new... just a continuation of a relationship that has taken him with it, that he can't afford to jettison, because there isn't anything else on his horizon.

He's an angry man, VB, angry at his loss of control of you... you should be celebrating that because it's a heck of an achievement that you've extricated yourself with such dignity. Be proud of you and how far you've come, you really are an inspiration.

aww, I have just caught up after a few days away and was about to post most of what lying posted, but less eloquently.

he's not happy with the OW, and he isn't happy that you don't want him back. Mainly, I suspect, because the fact that you don't want him back points to his shitty behaviour, and he'd rather not have to notice that if at all possible. Right now he's probably working hard to convince himself that his shit stinks of roses, and it must be getting harder by the minute because you aren't sniffing appreciatively.

Well done, VB. I'm so sorry this is being so hard on you, but the more I read of this man the more I suspect you might (in a year or two) consider yourself much, much better off.

[distributes very un-MN-hugs, also wine, for everyone on this thread!]

I have spent most of the day (it is gone 5pm here now) reading through your threads VB. You are being so strong through this horrendous situation.

Sending you strength and wine for dealing with this.

Hello VB. I haven't been around for a while because life has overtaken me a bit lately (but nothing compared to what you are dealing with) but I have been thinking about you.

Your H is really a prize idiot. It's all about point scoring and, as soon as one arrangement has been clarified, he moves the goalposts....it's all so boring isn't it? You don't have the time or energy for his games. He isn't worth the crap he is still putting you through. Everyone can see that except him. I agree with your FIL tbh - end every conversation with 'fuck off' and then laugh at him.

You are amazing - there should be some sort of tribute erected to you somewhere! You have class, resilience and pride. You are so much better off without him. Your strength and love shines through, what a fabulous Mum you are and a marvellous example of womanhood

Am [hic] @ all the offers of

LWITW, wow that's some insight. He doesn't want you to stop talking to him about anything and everything, he's keeping you on a back-burner for sure, using your children as the invisible cord.

He's getting the thrills and new experiences with the OW/new life, but believe he misses family life, that spark that was us, and the nurturing that's part and parcel of married life. Today he's hung around at the doorstep saying 'am sure there is something I meant to say' but didn't think of anything; prolonged hello/goodbye to the children; sent to my mobile 2 match reports from rugby (never done that before, I forwarded it to the team coach in case they were looking for a weekly match reporter) and then a phone call to the children tonight (he doesn't usually phone them), but only via me first to check they had behaved themselves. Maybe he is determined to prove he can be a decent dad and bloke and is stepping up as the solicitor's letter did rather make him look negligent?

And suspect you're right, there is a strong element of face saving. He has cast his dice, and has to make the relationship with the OW work, silencing any doubts (of which there were quite a few) and focus very hard on the positives, as there isn't anything else on the horizon. H is charming, charismatic and good looking, he could find a healthy and positive relationship which would be so much better for the dcs, but the H of old has gone and H mark II sadly lacks the integrity and courage to do so.

Lazarusb, thanks for posting, hope you are ok?

Just re-found this thread to see how you are doing VB and have been sitting here with jaw dropped for a bit.

You are doing fantastically well. Your H is a knob of the highest order. He is definitely trying to "keep the home fires burning" just in case. He cannot accept that he has completely burnt his bridges because then he will have to take some responsibility for the mess he has created. He ain't gonna do it.

He may be trying to show you that he can be a decent Dad, but is that the right reason to be doing it?? Is if fuck. He should be doing the decent Dad thing because he wants to be a decent Dad to his DC. It's all show and posturing - and until he stops pissing about with his stupid games, you're not going to know what you're really dealing with on a longterm basis. So let the solicitor deal with it - and stop wondering about his motivation - you can guarantee his motivation is his own self-interest.

(((hugs))) for you cos I haven't sent you any for a while :)

Yes, I think Thzumbie has it down, I'm afraid. It's self-interest all the way with your H. This is very sad, but at least it is simple. You can clarify that in your head, and move on.

It seems you have all the insight and integrity that he lacks. I wonder if he sort of relied on yours during the marriage, and his went soft? I know that sounds daft but I firmly believe that if you are out of the habit of using your moral muscles, they sort of goo on you. Silly, pathetic, selfish man.

H has reverted back to form, after I ignored his latest overtures (including texting to ask if I wanted to borrow a book of his). H has swapped access days (legitimate work related reason) but arrived so early dinner was still cooking. Made sarcastic comments in front of the children about coming in to wait/oh no that will get me in trouble/another solicitor's letter.

He said he would nip to the supermarket and be back in 15mins. No problem, I suggested he take dc3 with him who had already eaten. An hour later he returns having been to a much further away supermarket (one where he used to meet up with OW - king of romance ) - leaving the older two, who had gulped their dinners, with little time with their father.

Whether he met up with the OW with dc3 in tow tonight I don't know. But am unsure whether to ignore the comments he makes in front of the children, so he gets no response from me, or to calmly tell him to this has to stop as who does he think it affects?

Thanks for the hugs although have had a yucky D&V bug today and my back really aches but you might want to stand downwind as I smell distinctly of eau de lemon bleach in a bathroom blitzing attempt not to pass it on to the dcs.

Have been looking keenly for the signs that the H of old was back, so that I could relax my guard, trust him with the welfare of the dcs, and just get on with civilised separate lives. But the signs are just not there, are they? And it's just so dispiriting that there is going to be more of the same crap from him, and to just get used to it.

Bloody hell, he just doesn't let up, does he.

I think you should ignore the comments he makes in front of the children because after all, the only person who will look bad is himself - but if you want them to stop, either email him to tell him that he is making himself look bad (the quickest and easiest way to make him stop) or that his comments are upsetting the children (which he will doubt). But ignore them 'in the moment'.

I would say almost certainly that he took that opportunity to go to meet the OW with your DC3. Otherwise, why go farther away and be gone for so much longer? Pointless. So he had a point, and you have probably got the right one. :( But you'll never get it out of him (or DC3 at this age!) so you can either refuse to let him have the DC out and about with him, or just (sorry) put up with it.

He's not going to do the honourable thing at any stage. You do have to just accept that and work around it, I'm afraid. As I think I may have said before - just assume the worst, you'll probably be right, and if you aren't then it will be a pleasant surprise.

Hope you get well again soon - are you sure it was a bug and not just stress? Only asking because stress always used to affect my digestive system rather strongly!

VB, the signs are very clear that your H is an entitled wanker who is quite prepared to use his dc to punish you for not rolling over and submitting to his pathetic attempts to control you

Good idea Thumb about telling him these crass comments made in front of the children make him look bad. That might work with him, rather than any appeal to 'think of the children' fgs. Yes 'entitled wanker' just about covers it.

There aren't too many occasions where it's just H and dc3, which is sad for dc3 really . Dc3 gravitates to all the dads at playgroup, they're all 'dad, dad, dad' and think if we were still together dc3 would now be very much 'Daddy's boy'.

Oh, VB that is so sad about DC3. I think he might be around the age of my DS. How very hard it must be doing it all on your own, I do admire you for realising what is in their best interests. I sometimes think that children don't get the parents they deserve, and that is so unfair on them.

They'll know, though, they'll work it out when they're older. My best mate from school watched his mum divorce an alcoholic twunt of an ex, and raise him and his brother, and honestly I do not know a more considerate and thoughtful man. He said that his mum made every effort for them to have a relationship with their father, but as they entered their teens they started to realise that, as he put it, "he wasn't half the man I thought he was, and not even a tiny bit the man I wanted to be."

Erm, long way of saying - I hope you're well, and I hope things are going okay for you.

Thanks Blackcurrants, that's a lovely story and wise words from that young man. Seeing dc3 trying to engage the attention of Dads playing with their own children is unbelievably poignant.

H again causing me upset - really wish I was immune or that he'd just piss off.

Don't usually think in those terms, but his latest 'plan' is he wants to take the dcs bowling at the weekend with OW, OW's dd and OW's friend. "I know the answer will be no but I think it would be good for everyone. I don't see how it could be at all bad"

He then followed it with: "My lawyer says different. I would not put the children in danger or harm. Your lawyers are not professional child psychiatrists, as they seem to think they are. It is a bit sudden perhaps so I will respect this decision (I had replied simply: no) but think the children would benefit from going and staying with me."

"I do not want you wound up and antagonised by this text"

Like hell you don't, mate.

What a fucking fucker.

Well done you just responding clearly and simply. Don't respond to this, just document it and have some .

And hugs! Screw MN conventions, you, lady, deserve a hug!

Get so cross as it's such a spur of the moment idea, with no thought to the consequences to the dcs. Are they ready to meet the OW in that role with H playing happy families with her dc?

H says he would not harm the children, not physically no, but emotionally, if just based on the evidence of his doorstep comments, let alone the poorly judged decisions regarding the dcs of late, then yes, he has. Had to at the comments about my lawyers; they've put the children at the forefront of all legal matters so far, are nationally recognised for their mediated approach to conflict and offer a range of child services such as child counselling and family therapy.

Replied: "Achieved" (re upsetting me - H sent the text after I told him I'd been up since 3.30am with dc3, long day at work, was now going to bed early - and then couldn't sleep thanks to worrying) "Step-by-step approach for the children the right way for carefully thought out reasons for all concerned. My judgement has been totally sound so far, the children at the stage they are now because of it. Should let matters take their course rather than forcing things along at a different rate. Mediation with lawyers if this can't be agreed."

He really wants to have his cake and eat it, doesn't he? he wants to ride roughshod over everyone's feelings, and then say "but I don't want to upset you" so he can claim injured innocence if called on his shit.

Gosh. I violently dislike this man.

Great reply, btw. Excellent firmness.

I really do keep on thinking about a badly behaved dog, I know it's bad but.. if you'd taken him for the snip you could have fostered him out YEARS ago!
Heh. Sorry.

Complete silence since. Will await his lawyer's letter no doubt.

I accept the dcs will eventually have to meet the OW, there is a stated gradual progression to that, so why the rush? H has so many things to sort in his life: like keeping hold of his job, having got to a first written warning (and facing more accusations) and sticking with the OW for more than a few months at a time. Why not introduce the dcs to a stable situation and at a pace that allows for their emotional well-being? Have no faith in his judgement at all.

Dc1 said last night he feels sad when he sees pictures of Daddy and wishes he still lived here. Seeing the OW would certainly firm up that H has gone for good (H's idea for 'helping' them get used to the situation) but it would open up so many other issues for them. They are good kids, doing ok, but that is thanks, imo, to baby steps taken with them.

He's had the snip, thank god, in the midst of trying to save the marriage back in April. Was surprised he went ahead with it actually as I knew by then it was over, strongly suspecting he was back in contact with OW (well he'd never really stopped). They'd talked theoretically about having a child together - in 10 years time - making her about 47!

Sweetie, he's going to introduce the OW to them asap, regardless of what you and the lawyers have said. His stated intention is very clear - you may have to consider how you are going to deal with the betrayal when it happens, because it will, and soon. Once again he is demonstrating that he ONLY thinks of himself and no one else - it's all about his life, his feelings, his way. Total fuckwitted selfish bastardy.

Good text apart from the word "achieved" - don't allow him the satisfaction of knowing that he has got to you, ever.

Bollocks re. the solicitors not being child psychiatrists - of course they're not, but they deal with broken families all the time and can perfectly well see the effects of bad management. He is an arrogant cock as well as all the rest! Thinks he knows better than everyone else, doesn't he! Arse.

You, my love, are doing great. Your children are so lucky to have you :) x

Are you 100% sure he had the snip? Or did he just say he did? I honestly wouldn't believe a word this lying self-serving weasel has said for the last year at least, tbh! Unless you saw evidence of it yourself, of course.