ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

No, he will be wounded or angry, as he's been totally supportive blah blah.
But if I don't go ahead, and have it sent, I will be bleating about his wankerish ways in a year's time [shudder]

In fact take the latest from him: "I don't know what to do with my ring. It could be sold to support you or us at this difficult time, given to dc1, I don't know"

It's been a long day and am in no mood for texts about his wedding ring.
Will respond to the solicitor tomorrow.
Sorry to have momentarily worried you Blackcurrants

grin no no no , you don't owe me a cold toastie - I worry for you (not constantly, or anything!) but never about you. You're ace :)

VB - occasional lurker here, but something struck me tonight while I was reading your threads. Didn't you show your exH some of the posts on the original thread while you were trying to work things out? If so, is he able to read everything here? I'd shudder to think that such an arse-wipe was able to see all the advice you're getting and to know how you're feeling .

By the way, I think you're doing brilliantly, but you need to toughen up a bit and treat him with a lot more disdain. This is so hard, when you're a nice person and feel uncomfortable with appearing rude or dare I say it, inhospitable. But he really has taken the piss and needs to feel some consequences.

Tell him you don't give a flying f about his wedding ring, as it ceased to have any meaning the day he chose that a few b j**s in a carpark were worth chucking in his marriage vows.

VB - glad your resolve has firmed up. It needs to - just remember who you're really doing this for.

Ignore anything to do with the wedding ring - sooo not your problem and = another way to suck you back in emotionally - don't give him the satisfaction

That's another mantra, isn't it Thumbwitch: "Not my problem".

Plonker: Oooh I don't know what to do with my wedding ring.
VB: Not my problem

Plonker: I'm huuuuungry.
VB: Not my problem.

(I know you have to be careful in front of the kids, but even saying it to yourself will guide your aloud answer.)

absolutely, Tianc - one to be repeated pretty much in response to anything that the ex says that isn't directly related to the welfare of the DC!

Or you could use the ever-useful, "mmnm."

Plonker: Oooh I don't know what to do with my wedding ring.
VB: mmnm

Plonker: I'm huuuuungry.
VB: mmnm

H's wedding ring ruminations was sent in a text so ignored it. It was costly purchase at the time, believing he would be wearing it a lifetime, but it's none of my business now. Can honestly say I never noticed when he stopped wearing it.

WindsorTides, that H would remember and login to read this has been a concern of mine or even OW - believe this happened to another poster who I won't name but who is on this thread. Have thought about using the back alley, so to speak, or even deleting, although loath to do so because have received tremendous support and advice at times when I didn't know which way was up.

What do you think?

Tell him to stick his ring up his ring.

VB - if you want this thread to be non-searchable, ask for it to be moved to Off The Beaten Track - only problem there is that the threads have a very short shelflife (30 days only). I think it would actually be a good idea to have nothing searchable in Relationships either, personally - maybe I'll suggest it to MNHQ (cos they always listen to me, obviously! )

The only other thing would be to ask them (and I don't even know if they could do it) to change your posting name on this thread. Difficult one.

VB, just wondering how you are getting on. This thread has been so inspirational, you are amazing!

It's very kind of you to check up on me - and thanks for the PMs too.

Have got to the stage where I dread seeing the text symbol on my phone, H's favoured means of communication. He should be getting the letter from the solicitor tomorrow - think they have been a bit slow tbh in getting it to him. It basically says do it amicably and in consultation, or hire a solicitor and get thee to mediation.

Meanwhile he is pestering yet again to change the access for this week, this time to a Friday overnight, early return Saturday and making up for it if I wish in Sunday (my full day with the kids). I have politely replied, stating keep to the agreed access, no ad hoc arrangements. He is now using the changes I had to make to accommodate his wishes last weekend as evidence we are ok with 'ad hoc'

Tbh am spending a disproportionate amount of time dealing with this drip drip from him and am starting to find it stressful.

As far as "evidence" goes, texts like this are evidence that he is the living embodiment of Give Him an Inch and He'll Take a Mile.

So sorry this is so stressful. You've survived all the head big stuff, and now he's getting at you through attrition on the small things. You've been amazing dealing with all of this.

Attrition is a good word, actually. Don't get why it should be like this, why H cannot just be happy with how things are set up. And am cross that his sense of entitlement is so large, when he should be bending over backwards to make this work for the kids whose lives he has turned topsy-turvy.

ILs rang tonight, and FIL says tell H to ring him tomorrow and he'll put H straight regarding access. FIL is also offered to pay my mediation costs if it comes to it. Won't take them up on it, but they are so very kind.

Have a ranty email ready to go, since in person is a no-go with the dcs in attendance, but was waiting on the solicitor's letter to do the job for me.

It's such a shame that he is not helping the children dealing with the emotional fallout of him leaving, instead it is all about him. No wonder you don't recognise the man you married, I can't imagine you would have married someone so selfish.

Has he not received the solicitors letter yet? Surely it's in the children's best interest to keep contact on the days outlined as to not confuse and upset the children further?

Remain distant, keep everything in writing and definitely don't rise to the bait re wedding rings. I actually think that the text is quite a nasty one. Yes, you've dealt with his infidelity and break up wonderfully, and yes, you have been amazingly consistent for the sake of the children. But you must get upset sometimes too, it's only natural, and for him to question to you, what he should do with his ring is rather calculating and seems to forget you have feelings too over this.

Your In-laws sound fabulous, and very supportive (if a tad harsh at times too) might be the kick up the bottom your Ex needs.

I assume by now he's had the Solicitors letter? Let's hope it brings him up short and makes him realise he has to put the children first. Not holding my breath though. God, what a TWUNT he is!

Cor. I have never read about such a twisty, turny, whiney, selfish, petulant, greedy, sleazy, self-absorbed, willy-led tosspot as this before. Met some, yes, but never seen the fall out when one suddenly goes rogue.

VB - forget the manual for how to deal - YOU are the manual. I have had similar problems in the past, but from now on my first thought will always be, "with what grace and restraint would VB deal with this situation?". I'm gobsmacked at your ability to just keep on keeping on.

You make my computer smell of lilies and geraniums. I think I'm a little starstruck.

Cumbrian, that?s a beautiful compliment, I?d love to be so fragrant and graceful but think I'm about to destroy that impression as last night it was flannel PJs in front of the fire and a comforting bacon sandwich for dinner

H said the solicitor's letter was a waste of time and he wouldn't be paying for it, which is an odd remark, however, he has been very punctilious this week about access.

Had an email from H that said Sorry you are feeling stressed in responding to this but I think you overplay the impact the kids feel with slight changes to Fridays and Saturdays. Dc2 wasn't going to rugby but was flexible enough to change her mind . I think you should be too.

I think the children and I would enjoy a longer Friday . I have even offered to fund a takeaway for you and the children because I am returning early on Saturday

What rankles is a) he assumed he could drop the children back early on Saturday, no thought to the fact that I might have plans for my time/or that if I don?t get my work done on a Saturday it knocks on majorly into the rest of the week and b) he asked dc2 if she wanted to go to rugby whilst collecting dc1, no checking with me first (had planned some girly things to do in the absence of her brother)

Was fed up of him seeing things only from his perspective so sent him an email that made my position clear:

Ad hoc when routine access is not adhered to is unsettling and disruptive both for the children and my planning. You have yourself to cater for, I am juggling A LOT of other commitments and needs. Telling me to be 'more flexible' is not a well received message when I have been nothing but flexible in having to deal with you chopping and changing access, with the knock on to not only here at home, but to work colleagues and family/friends. For instance, do you know that dc1 has been badly behaved after every evening access visit? Probably totally normal in the circumstances as he gets used to it, but tough on all at the time. This is just one very small example. If you had stuck to arrangements this once off could be perhaps catered for, but the point is it's not a one off.
Have explained why you having the children on Sunday is impractical due to dc1's rugby. You would only have all 3 children for a few hours in the afternoon on a Sunday, competing for your attention - they deserve more of your time and thought you would want that too. Your social life needs to fit in with the fact you are a dad to 3 small kids. You have to yourself every evening, most of Sunday and school holidays, more 'free time' that when married, You also need to give me more time to do my work than a few hours on Sunday, let alone having time to do anything else. If I cannot hold down a job then you are going to have to pay out far more than you do now. You talk about supporting me, but it's about supporting me, the kids and you. I have been more than generous in curtailing my time by 2 hours on Saturdays and actually it's more, since I also need to cook a decent dinner for them as that is something you don't provide. I am supporting you on this, not the other way round. And talk of doing part Saturday/Sunday access is an impractical recipe for further non-commitment and confusion.
This is a mammoth email but am hoping this will have clarified things my end. It's taken up a great deal of time and thought.

Subsequently to that email, H went very quiet on the email front, had a word with dc1 about behaving himself, with a bribe I think with regard good behaviour (have no problems with bribes) and he checked with me that 4pm Sat return (and not the cheeky 2pm proposed return) was still ok.

Still think he should cook for them but if he want to progress to overnights he's going to have to, except I suspect the overnights he's talking of won't be part of a routine arrangement but as and when H feels like it/ finds himself at a loose end. However, there is more scope for intense dcs disappointment if H cancels on a regular Friday night arrangement...

Sorry you are feeling stressed in responding to this but I think you overplay the impact the kids

what a fucking twat!

Hello ValentineBombshell... I've just been catching up on your thread. Still rooting for you as are the myriad posters and lurkers here.

Your ex is such a disgraceful excuse for a human being, he's barely one at all. He's behaving like a tomcat, showing you such disrespect by continually engaging with you needlessly, in a real 'drip-drip' torture fashion. He knows it hurts you, it's designed to, whilst bolstering that planet-sized ego of his. It's not nice but I'm really hoping for his comeuppance to hit swift and hard at no detriment to you and your DCs.

He doesn't want you to stop talking to him about anything and everything, he's keeping you on a back-burner for sure, using your children as the invisible cord. That's disgusting of him. You'd think that somebody who professed to love you so much would make your seperation as easy as possible, thinking of your DCs and trying to mitigate your pain as far as he possibly can. He's not doing that, he's doing it all in reverse... his sole objective is that you keep thinking of him, you can't be allowed to forget him or put him out of your mind. That's intolerably cruel and I'm glad your solicitor is reigning him in.

All you can do is keep up a 'stuck record' routine... he plans for you to feed him because it's nurturing. He's perfectly capable of getting himself some food before he arrives but it's more convenient to salving his giant ego that you still care enough to nurture him... I agree with all the other posters, find a phrase that you can use in front of your DCs. Do you speak French? "Quelle dommage" (what a pity) can be useful... even in English you could say it and it's non-aggressive to any little ears listening.

Thinking of you often and wanting to add my support to the many MNetters already behind you. You can do this, you're doing it -and your going to win in the end. Keep strong and keep him at a distance.