ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

FIL was full of pithy comment about H asking for food. Also thought it was bad H hadn't stuck his hand in pocket regarding dcs extracurricular kit but I explained that it all had to come out of maintenance. FIL said when H rang him it was all "I, I, I". Was talking to my Dad who is much more restrained but he quietly exploded when I told him H had said I was looking 'frail' and said what did he expect having left me to deal with 3 children and everything else.

Hi VB your comment about your H often saying he had something to say but couldn't remember what really struck a chord with me. I think he is doing this because he wants to talk to you for longer and is playing for time.

because the dynamic of your relationship has changed so much it unsettles him whenever you speak together as he wants to be able to chat like you used to iyswim. He wants reassurance from you and so he drags the conversation out as long as possible and when he has no more to say he eeks it out a bit further by pretending there was something else.
This is also why he is phoning you to ask about stuff he already knows about, he wants reassurance still and is gauging your current mood towards him.

Sorry, If this is all blindingly obvious to you already!

I think you're handling the situation amazingly well, especially in regard to your children. I hope you get some interest on the house soon so you can get on with your new life without your useless H xx

But if that's right, why does he care? He's with the OW, saying he's incredibly happy. And am giving him very little back for his efforts although aware of 2 very watchful dcs (FIL thinks I should end every conversation in '...off', but that really isn't me/would make it hideous for the dcs)

Anyone who insists on keep telling you how happy they are, usually isn't.

And next time he turns up hungry asking for food, tell him that you aren't running a Little Chef.

Honey, the reason he cares is complex - but involves thoughts like:
"she can't be over me already, I know she still loves me"
"I need to keep her on side in case things with OW break down, I know I'll be able to weasel my way back in there eventually"
"I want my best friend back - she'll get over all this silliness at some point and we'll be able to talk again"

NB - not ONE of these thoughts involve any care for you at all. They are all about him and his wants. He just wants you to remain part of his drama because it IS all about him and he needs to know you're still involved to feed his ego. Don't feed it (or him, btw!! cheeky fecker - he could have bought some food along the way - he's testing your care level and you gave in?)

I still rather love your FIL, btw.

there is another one, tw

"I can't be such a bad guy of my wife still thinks I'm ok, can I ?"

agree...it's all about his self image, and the image he thinks he rojects to the world

all smoke'n'mirrors

*projects

good point AF! The guilt-reducing factor, I missed that one.

Still no care for you though VB - that's the thing to remember. He wants to be seen as the Good Guy by everyone, even you (HAHAHAHAHA!!!!) and you are holding up a Truth Mirror to his charm veneer, showing him for the snake he really is - he's not happy with that!

the Truth Mirror...yup

except it's distorted...much like a funfair one (in his eyes)

oops, AF here

I do like your FIL and your Dad's perspective. They're right - you do know that, don't you? Keep talking to them. Keep remembering that your selfish little tit of a husband is a selfish little tit.
A needy selfish little tit who clearly regrets what's gone.

VB Another one here totally gripped by the saga and blown away by your attitude.

It all resonates very strongly for me from a different perspective, as many of the twists and turns you have experienced echo my parents' situation.

I just wanted to let you know that some years down the line, my Mum is finally happy and independent, us as her DCs got through it with damage extremely limited thanks to her approach and attitude (which is very akin to yours). As for my Dad, he is also out the other side. I went through a phase where I can honestly say I thought it might be easier were I never to see him again, but we now have a great relationship now he's moved past that deluded, selfish, unstable phase.

As you know deep down, there is light at the end of the tunnel (and other cliches), its a bugger to have to keep believing that when you're wading through the mire, but things are going to work out in the end :)

Thumb and AF, that makes total and scary sense. That's exactly what he's doing. And more fool me for not seeing it for what it is.

Confession: stupidly I did feed him (bunged him a sandwich and a few bits to share with dcs) because I felt put on the spot with time ticking in front of a worried dc2 who was looking anxious about H "feeling unwell", needing them gone asap as H had turned up late to get dc1 to rugby and plus weirdly I was feeling guilty about the solicitor's letter that will be heading his way soon. Realised afterwards he could easily get something to eat at the clubhouse but ChezVB is much cheaper.

Plus H has taken to asking dc2 if she wants to tag along too to rugby and even dc3 if the weather's nice (they play football at the side of the pitch) - don't know how I feel about that tbh as because H returning the kids early on Saturday I didn't get all my work done and dc2 & 3 were just going to potter with me at home - so dc2 was keen to go as she's just desperate for time with H. Think I could just tell H it's muddying the waters them tagging along, as Sunday's their time with me and have firm plans for next week but it's hard when I can see dc2 wanting to go but eventually the cold and wet will put paid to that wish I suspect.

So yes I know the ridiculousness of it, recognised the slippage and have given myself a firm boot. Actually copied down your 4 insights under Truth Mirror on my phone just to remind myself! Have said it before, but there ought to be a bloody manual so I stop making mistakes!

And taking an inch....have had a text from H saying he wishes to swap Fri access to Thurs this week. No explanation so doubt he's donating a kidney.

Whenever I have seen that you have updated, I start singing a song in my head. I made it up. The only lyrics are....

'He's a tool, He's a tooooollllll'

And he never disappoints.

The tool

So will just reiterate, again, the need for a regular routine for the dcs security and say no? It's not as if he's given a good reason, as in a work-related one.

Have calendared him 4 events this academic school year where I need him to have the dcs in the evening til about 8pm on a non access day due to my work, but if he couldn't do it, let me know as would make arrangements (albeit tricky and expensive ones). No response from him.

But he could certainly do the same in return, if he were organised enough to.

He is toolier than a power-tool thingymabob

VB, do not pull yourself down here. The power of hindsight and being an outsider looking in should not be underestimated.

He has, and probably always will have the ace card up his sleeve. Your love for your dc and your strong desire that they not suffer because of his actions.

However, what you are understanding more and more is that your responsibility for that only goes so far. And that you need to carry on examining how much you enable him to duck out of the consequences of his own actions.

It's a fine line, but you are treading it well, I think.

I do like that song kayano

Hello VB. I definitely think he wants to keep you "on side" (what an effing cheek) and kittyBump and TW have it exactly right.

Sorry, not much to add, just enjoying the italics this evening. Keep on keeping on x

Will try not to, but it's frustrating as shoring the barricades again takes a lot of effort on my part and petulance on H's. But he's a fool (or tool, Kayano) as had a lovely evening with the dcs who were cuddly, chatty and happy to do their h/w.

VP, your mother sounds a lovely lady

so, so frustrating. I am very, very cross on your behalf!

Y'know, it's a skill of theirs to make themselves look ill through lack of food. The only EA boyfriend I had, after he'd left me but I thought we were still together because he told me so (Idiot me!) would turn up on my doorstep after work, claiming penury, saying he'd not eaten all day and had no fuel to get home. Still being an idiot (only with hindsight does that become blindingly obvious - I felt I was being played but sympathy won out at the time), I would take him to the local supermarket, put fuel in his car and buy him a sandwich. The real hint was that he didn't want any ol' cheap sandwich, oh no, he wanted the super expensive luxury sandwich, which he then ate about a quarter of and said he felt sick (hopefully guilty conscience but I doubt it!), so it was wasted. Fucker.

Anyway, enough of me, back to you ...
I would ask him point blank why he wants to change arrangements. And if he has no good reason, then tell him you are not disrupting the DC routine for a whim. Tell him that their welfare is your primary concern and point it out to him that it should also be HIS primary concern. That should also (I say should but who knows) put paid to any inclination on his part for petty revenge for the days you need him to take care of his children.
(love the line about kidney donation, btw - I very much doubt it too! )

Love Kayano's song - very apt!

"The routine is for the benefit of the DC."

That's your mantra.

Every time he chops, changes, tries to go early or late, "The routine is for the benefit of the DC."

1. It's true.
2. It places his self-image as the wonderful dad in the firing line every time he tries to breach the routine.

The DC must be absolutely terrified of him vanishing forever, poor mites, not knowing from one day to the next if he's going to show to schedule.

And there's not really a comparison with your four advance-notice changes in the entire year. Once the routine is established, a very occasional, "Don't forget, it's on the calendar that next week you'll be going to daddy on Thursday," shouldn't be a problem. It's the lack of an overall routine, and all this last minute shit, that's scary.

You're doing so very very well in the face of exhausting, endless fuckwittery, VB. Is the supervised access idea looking quite attractive?

That's a great mantra. Use it! Always! Even if you end up feeling a bit 'computer says NOoooo" at him :)

Well the draft email from the solicitor came through and I was having a wobble about okaying it and changing the tenor of communication forever into something contentious and aggressive. Haven't been feeling remotely bullish because dc3 has been grizzly unwell all day long, am worried about money (giant fridge freezer and most of the food in it went kaput/tax credits decision still not through) and have a hundred and one things to do for work. So wasn't feeling sure about going ahead.

The solicitor's draft letter is pretty hard hitting, lists plainly the occasions he's breached the access arrangements, with mediation and court as a consequence. Am going to ask her to moderate it a little and say that if he does not tow the line then mediation. She also strongly advises he gets legal representation. Am hoping that incurring costs and time means he will tow the line but it's a risk that it will get his back up and become nasty. But I think he will quite like the letter in one sense as the OW is referred to as 'his partner' (she'd been until recently the corespondent) and that gives her validity. Something I am going to have to accept (head is saying it/rest of me isn't)

But H was here this evening - not quite sticking to access as usual (wont go into the gory details) - and that firmed my resolve. Spoke to my father who said in the last month H had breached access too many times, and the time that dc3 was left at nursery until 6pm was disgraceful.

I just read your post thinking 'how many last chances does he get?' and then I read the last paragraph. Well done! I hope it makes him start thinking of the DCs a bit more, but I worry he is incapable of any selfless thought or action.