ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Oh your poor thing VB

I am delurking to say how sorry I am for you (and your DCs). I have been lurking on this thread and watching with amazement at your ability to cope with this awful situation your exH has put you in.

Sorry I can't offer any practical advice, but I am sending supportive vibes your way. Your DC are incredibly lucky to have you as their mum - you are doing a brilliant job with/for them.

Being strong at him doesn't mean you can't have a jolly good sob in your own time. Let it all out. Then gird your loins for the next round.

You are doing SO WELL!!!!! I'm in awe of you.

Sorry, that was a bit self indulgent. Have mentally slapped self.

Did ask him what his future plans were? He said that dcs would not see her again - or until we agreed. I said that if the dcs had not told me and I had not said anything would he have continued and he said probably.

So said, without my going to my solicitor which is what I was going to do on Monday and without the total withdrawal of my good will - he was promising that this would not happen again? He said yes and he hoped that no damage had been caused. That he was sorry for upsetting me and if he had upset the dc1 and dc2 he was also sorry.

Thank you but don't feel like I am doing well. It feels like a mess.

Am so grateful for MN keeping me sane tonight.

Is he an idiot? I mean I suppose it's good in a way that he's said sorry (as opposed to someone who might have said "bollocks to you, none of your business what I do/who I meet on my access") but did he really not realise in advance that you'd have a serious problem with this? The likelihood is that he did know, but thought he'd chance it anyway.

Proof of the pudding will be if he tries it again.

H had no plans for the dcs to see OW tomorrow.
Think I am going to maintain the access tomorrow and not skedaddle north to the ILs (am seeing them Sunday anyway) although H knew if was a possibility (think I said something about 'don't bother turning up tomorrow' in my ranty stage). The dcs have music and a party which H was taking them to.

The fact of the matter is that although H has broken the statement of arrangements he does have a right to see the dcs legally and morally and I don't want to deprive the dcs of their dad - even though I want to boot him.

So H has backed off seemingly - having done exactly what MN said he would. Was so sure it was a line he would not cross.

Am assuming that's a rhetorical question, Clam?

Given he's broken the statement of arrangements that went to court, don't know whether to contact my solicitor on Monday, given he's said they won't see her again until we agree. And if I did, what could she do?

I think you should mention it to your solicitor and see what she says.

I have no idea what she would suggest (sorry, did say earlier I had no practical advice)

Hello Chaos , thanks for the encouraging vibes (btw, liked TrulyReigns as always thought yep, there's a MN who knows but will get used to the new you - er, it is you, isn't it?)

No, sorry it isn't.

Someone else just asked the same thing in chat - in fact, they started a thread asking me.

I'm newish to MN (this year) and only started posting very recently. Didn't know anyone would think I was impersonating a regular poster as hadn't noticed anyone with a similar name

I think I'll have to change my name!

Still think you're amazing though and I'm sure the original Chaos would too!

Obviously a case of mistaken MN identity!

You all are so kind and am feeling calmer now.

the bastarding fucking fuck...

I am enraged on your behalf. When I think about it, of course, I'm not that surprised - he seems almost incapable of thinking about how his actions are affecting anyone else's life at all....

Gah!

Yep, that was pretty much my thoughts too, Blackcurrants.

There's an evil side to me that knows I could do something equally underhand to make his life (and OWs) truly difficult at work. But these things have a way of returning to plague the inventor.

I agree that you should tell your solicitor on Monday.
I bet she has put pressure on him to be able to meet the children; and if she has this much of an influence over him then having legal intervention is a good thing.
Sorry that you are sitting there on your own dealing with all of this but hope that you are alright. x

The desire to hurt him back is an unworthy one but I do want him wary of doing anything like this again rather than having to rely on periodically reminding him of what has been agreed/what's best for the children/how to be a decent human being.

Anyway, must try and get some sleep as dc3 will be up bright and early and my chest hurts, think it must be stress, which is hardly surprising I suppose.

Thanks all

I think you're great. I think your ex is a gobshite. It really is all about him isn't it. You're much more reasonable than I would be. I'd totally be making things difficult at work. But I'm petty!

VB, delurking to say I think you did the right thing to make clear to your deluded idiot of a H what the consequences of his actions are for your DC. It sounds as though he really can't see any further than his knob at the moment.

I agree that the H you knew and respected has gone. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm also in awe of how well you are coping during all this. I'm sure that things feel overwhelming at the moment (though I hope you've had a good nights sleep to help with that!) but you are doing an inspiring job providing a stable bedrock for your kids to grow up on in security and love.

You are doing SO well.

Sqweegie, my dad and also phone-a-friend ruled out the revenge plan and [sigh] they are right. It would be momentarily satisfying to watch it all implode in a mushroom-cloud over him/her but then there would be fall-out. Must admit that doesn't bother me too much but my father says I don't want to sink to his level and that resonates with me much more.

DB, in the absence of RL hugs will gratefully accept VTR ones!

Couldn't sleep last night for mithering.

When collecting dcs this morning, H apologised again, said he was acting with good intentions (for whom exactly?) and that it was gutting that I was so upset. he then asked what should he say to the dcs if they asked about the OW? We had a civil conversation about various things concerning the dcs today and he'll drop them back in time for dinner. I know he should be feeding them but tbh I wasn't going to argue it, want them with me and the dcs are looking forward to their idea of complete indulgence - munchies and a duvet bunk-down in from of Dr Who and Strictly Come Dancing!

My father also suggested that on this occasion it might be worth the expense of talking to my solicitor as if he was not going to abide by the statement of arrangements for the children then he needs to know a) the consequences (are there any???) and b) talk to me about what he is going to do and engage in grown up behaviour.

But don't know, as having behaved abominably poorly, he is now back-tracking, telling me no more contact with OW until we agree it and generally being anxious to please....until of course the next time. So will a solicitor's shot across the bows letter be productive?

Was thinking of sending him an email to work (work emails are monitored in some fashion so won't be very happy) outlining exactly what he has done and what I expect him to do regarding the welfare of the children. He can be a swine to me, but I'm an adult and can absorb it, but when he involves the children in his horrible games, I could explode.

God, he's good

What he did deliberately and with aforethought (knowing full well it would upset you deeply) has had no consequences for him whatsoever

the consequences are being borne by your dc, who are confused and conflicted

and still he asks for your advice about stuff he should work the fuck out for himself

It's why I this hard knot of anger in my chest and why I feel so vengeful this time, AF, because it was so deliberate - but you say it much more eloquently.

And now having done what the hell he wants he is now bleating about having the best of intentions (wtf?)/says 'tell him what harm has been done to the kids? because he didn't kiss her/hold hand in front of them or label her gf' - as if that somehow makes it all so much better and that the dcs are somehow stupid rather than merely young. And he wines about feeling bad about hurting me.

Really don't know what to do for the best anymore.

Hi VB, I have just sat and read your whole thread and really need a wee but before I go I just had to say how amazing you are, your truly are. I have much admiration for how you have handled everything over the last months, your DC's are very lucky to have you as their mum, fighting their corner and doing everything you can to ensure they are as unaffected as possible.

It is a shame the same can't be said of that knobhead of an ex H who seems to have manipulated his way through the whole situation, using his mental health as an excuse to ignore boundaries, break rules, over step the mark and disrespect your wishes at every turn. Don't be taken in by him a moment longer, you can still protect your children from the fallout while putting him firmly back in his place. Don't fall for his apologies either, as I see it this is just another attempt at manipulation, he knows he has done wrong and then tries to deflect from and diffuse the situation by pleading ignorance and apologising. He doesn't feel bad about hurting you, if he did he wouldn't keep doing it, I will say again, he is manipulating you. You must most certainly let your solicitor know of latest developments too.

You stay strong, you are doing just great, you wonderful woman you!

I really hoped he would have grown up a bit by now I didn't expect him to, but still...
He is backtracking and apologising now so you have doubts about reporting this to your solicitor. Please do though, it's important. He is still not acting in his dcs best interests and deliberately ignoring your feelings and opinions - which have been legally backed up.
He is still thinking of no-one but himself (OW coming a close second I suspect). You have behaved in an exemplary way so far, you are entitled to a cry! Revenge is an attractive idea but, as your Dad has pointed out, you are so much better than that.

Stay strong. You are a fabulous woman and a fabulous Mum. You have a lot of people behind you.