ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Think I get the message - no handing over laptop.

Mouseface, didn't realise I could put his itunes onto a memory stick. Will look up how to do it.

I don't think he would install anything on the computer but he would browse anything that got copied to the harddrive.

Clam, that's pretty much the approach I was going to take to Christmas and for all others until dcs say otherwise!

Whilst I could just about stomach him popping in for a few hours to watch present opening, there is no way I could sit down to an indigestion laden Christmas dinner. The other problem in his being here, is that no-one else would want to be. So I don't know what is best for the dcs - to have H for a few hours in the morning before he presumably goes back to OW, leaving it just me and the dcs? To invite my widowed Dad (he alternates between me and my brother's family) and the ILs (and their dogs) and have a noisy houseful - and dcs see H on Boxing Day? My Dad could just about be civilised if H turned up for a few hours but ILs wouldn't come if they knew H was here.

Christmas is going to be different for the dcs anyway - I just want it to be as lovely as I can for them.

Shame he didn't consider "watching present opening" at Christmas when he was in those carparks a few months back. Why should he also get to ruin your Christmas by turning up to make himself feel better (again)? If the kids are going to get a nice day with the rest of the family anyway, and aren't particularly fussed about him, then he can jog on.

Valentine - agree with clam re Christmas. That's the only reason he wants to be there, to make himself feel better.

"Oh and do you know Twatty McTwatTwat didn't even bother to see his children over Christmas"

That's all that he's arsed about. Saving face.

Too late for that matey!

Stick to your guns sweets. YOU decided what YOU and the children want for Christmas. If they want to see him, then arrange a day to suit YOU.

It's going to be hard enough without the added pressure of his guilt trip weighing on you.

He made his bed (or car park) so now he has to lie in it. Totaaly his loss.

Keep going and being strong, you are an amazing woman who takes no shit, so remember that when he starts with the bottom lip wobble. xx

He's clearly not been that concerned about the kids if he's put his shag buddy deep and meaningful "special" relationship above them, so why should he waltz in for the good bits of his choosing?
(Appreciate that he hasn't actually mentioned it yet - this is you thinking ahead, but even so).

Am well aware that whatever I do I will be setting a precedent for future years so want to get it right.

So, if H has no part in Christmas Day itself, but the dcs have a 2nd Christmas with him on Boxing Day, I have to accept that next year's Boxing Day will be with their new step-mother/family right? (assuming they are still together, which I am) And reassure me please that dcs (and me) will be ok with that by then!!!

With that option, I am minded this year to invite my Dad to stay (have a single spare room) and the ILs/dogs for the day and have a busy houseful, and then all quiet as they go off with H Boxing Day.

The other option is my brother has invited us to his for Christmas (and to even stay a few days), which would include my father too (but not the ILs) - but the thing is that I raised Christmas with him as a sounding board, never thinking he would invite us. He said he and his wife had discussed it before now but really don't want them to feel obligated - SIL has a lot of her family for Christmas Day usually. Going to my brother's would mean opening the presents here at home in the morning and then driving about an hour to spend the rest of Christmas Day (including lunch) with him and his family. However, don't think we would stay at my brother's overnight, as it's a lot of hassle with dcs3 (reflux/bottles/disturbed sleep) but drive back late.

However, with going to my brother's on Christmas Day....I could in theory ask H over to watch dcs open their presents, which I know dcs would like and would feel his absence more keenly, it being just me and them. There is less precedent-setting with this option, as we would be unlikely to do the same again next year.

I've just looked back at this post and fgs woman, it's only one day a year! But dc2 , with dc1 perched listening, asks nearly every day 'how many days to Christmas?' and numerous questions about how FC is going to get down the chimney.

Vb, another lurker here just with belated practical tip about iTunes rather than emotional advice about xmas! I think I'm right in saying that knobchops can do a kind of reverse back-up assuming he has everything on an iPod anyway using a Programme called senuti (iTunes backwards,ie). And I can't believe he doesn't already know about that and hence would add my voice to the choir of suspicious minds about his motives towards your laptop...

I didn't know about senuti and I work
In technical support lol

Career fail

That's really helpful Frisky, have never heard of it before, but shall mention it in blase fashion to H! He's gone quiet on his backing up my lap-top request after I didn't leap at the idea. I said what a good idea, I need to back my stuff and will buy a hard-drive, so he offered me the old one and said he'd buy a new one/wasn't organised yet blah blah. So don't know whether he'll get back to me on it or not, but in the meantime will email him his files.

He turned up late again to collect the children on his access day, so I had to go and get them from the childminder and nursery - but this time he phoned a bit earlier and explained why. He was peeved that I kept to the original time for returning them, and didn't give him more, but don't think he realises, especially midweek, that dc3 is more than ready for milk and bed and the other two need to be fed (well snack), h/w has to be done, and then bed/books.

And am now just delaying on getting going with my own work that has to be done!

And talking of delaying, still haven't decided about Christmas - keep examining my motives and wondering what's best for the children.

So, he collects them late, which puts you out as you have to factor in an extra trip to the CM. And he then expects to keep the DCs out later, "in lieu" putting you out even further?
Twat.

I've used it twice now - incredibly useful if when your Apple laptop dies, taking all your iTunes downloads to an electronic grave. Because when you call those "nice people" at Apple, they say you just have to download all the stuff all over again if you haven't already backed it up . With senuti, or at least last time I tried, it kind of sucks the information back out of your iPod and puts it on new machine.

He just can't stop himself, can he? Just can't stop being an irritant, generally making sure he turns up as blips on your radar. Making sure it's all still about "Me, me. me".

Tell you what, there's no point angsting for months over plans for Christmas. Because whatever you mutually decide re the children/parents/in-laws, you do know that at a moment of max stress for you - struggling home with an 18lb turkey/wrapping the childrens' stockings at 1am/peeling a field full of parsnips/beating off Santa's elves in the Selfridges grotto - he'll ring up to throw everything into chaos anyway.

Don't worry about Christmas, VB.

Though (for my money) if you're thinking at all about setting a precedent, here's the precedent I would want:
He's not there on Christmas day. At all. And you do whatever you want to do on Christmas day with them
He gets to spend Boxing Day with them, and then get 2 Christmases (lovely for them!), and aren't confused by Daddy suddenly being there on Christmas morning but not spending Christmas day with you all.

I honestly think this will help them know what's what, and it will certainly help you because from your H's past form, he won't miss a chance to stick the knife in just cos it's Christmas. Do you really want him upsetting you on Christmas day? No. So he can fuck the fuck off that idea. He gets them on Boxing day. The end.
Maybe when they're older and he's got a nice house and all is well with the world, MAYBE you might think about offering him a year off/year on christmas, and you switch who gets Christmas Day and who gets boxing day. MAYBE. If he suddenly bucks his ideas up and becomes the model ex with the perfect childcare sharing. BUT that's for you to think of, don't mention it to him. He's being a total bastard to you at the moment and you owe it to your lovely kids to keep his manipulation-possibilites to a minimum.
SO no mooning around the place being a twunt to you on Christmas Day. He doesn't get to be there. He walked on out playing happy families when he started having oral sex with other women in carparks. The two do not co-exist, no matter how much he'd like them to.

The fucker.

Oh Blackcurrants, thank you. Thank you for seeing things so clearly for me and thank you for making me laugh. Am loving how you, Clam and Frisky just cut him down to size. Think I'd just reached the idea that Christmas Day with H was just a no-go and you've confirmed it for me, it's what is best for the dcs. Also heard from a friend that they and their children will be visiting from abroad over Christmas, so a lovely distraction.

And dc2 obligingly confirmed for me the need to have them back from midweek access at a decent time, as by 5.30pm she was fast asleep on the sofa!

anytime, VB, anytime.

You're doing brilliantly, btw.

H has done what you said he might and behind my back introduced the dcs to the OW tonight.

Am in bits

Bastard

Am shaking with anger

Am so tempted to ring him and let him have it with both barrels.

I am sorry

It was inevitable

Such an entitled man will do what he sees fit, right ?

Why are you having second thoughts about telling him exactly what you think ?

You are too nice

it will do you no good

Dc1 said there was a surprise. They'd met one of H;s friends. He then back-tracked as think he realised he should said anything which alerted me. Dc2 told me they went to H's house, she got in the car and they went to the park together.

H asked for more time with the kids tonight it being a Friday. I agreed (idiot)

This goes against what was agreed in the statement of arrangements for the children. This shows no respect for me as their mother. It doesn't put them first. He has been back with her for 5 minutes fgs.

Spoke to my IL who offered to speak to him (break their silence)but won't achieve anything I don;t think. They suggested stuff his access day tomorrow and visit them for the entire weekend. He could have plans for the kids to see OW tomorrow.

I have just sat and read this entire thread over the past hour and I am totally outraged on your behalf.
I agree entirely with your (wonderful sounding) in-laws.
Take the children, and yourself away this weekend.
He has broken the agreement for access showing (as you say) no respect for you, or for the courts actually.
If you do go away, make sure that you take your laptop and hard drive with you.

What a selfish arsehole.

My restraint broke and I spoke with H. I said is there something you want to talk to me about. He said yes we'll talk tomorrow and put the phone down! Whilst I was then packing to take dcs away he rang back and said that was rude of him

He maintained he had done nothing wrong. He had just introduced them to a 'friend'. What harm had it done to the children? [repeated over and over]

Once I had got past the ranty total bastard/selfish twat stage and the 'you have broken the legally agreed statement of arrangements', disparaging remarks about her person and his and all gloves are off etc I then made it clear what harm he had done - as he kept saying he had done none.

Reminded him (although why on earth should I have to?) that he had left me with 3 small children and I have to meet their every need, I hold down a job that demands from me incredibly long hours, am attempting to both look after and sell the house single handedly and then he is this constant drip drip of additional pressure. That people have cracked under lesser pressure. And then he does this.

That what he had done tonight had completely undercut all that I had been trying to achieve for the children, what's best for them, preparing them in the best way, that everything was thought about, down to even just recently giving dc1 little errands to do on his bike as a way of giving him more independence and helping him grow up. They have faced and are facing tremendous upheaval in their lives. That almost every day they ask me why we are no longer together/or some aspect to do with their new life, that dc1 tells me he sometimes cries and that dc2 still gets into my bed - they are still processing what's happened to them. They are not where he is. How did he think introducing the OW would benefit the children? (repeatedly asked that)
What was the rush in wanting to speed this along? He still had to live with OW? Still had to set himself up at step-dad to her own children before any of this.

Told him dc1 wasn't stupid. What was he to think if he went to the park with Daddy's 'friend' (they went swimming and for MaccyDs without OW) - he is not stupid. He understands. He couldn't look at me tonight as if he knew that it would hurt me (dc1 thinking I don't know about H's OW - rather than my being upset at H taking her along).

H was just silent. He then apologised. I said he had lied and he said yes he had. I told him I could not trust him to put them first and he instantly said that I could trust him with the dcs - but I said I trusted him to look after the dcs physically but where was the planning and thinking tonight? How had that put them first?

Oh Valentine, so sorry to read this. 'Twat' doesn't even begin to describe him. He can apologise til the cows come home but it doesn't change anything. He's done it now. And, sorry to say this, but now he's done it once, what's to stop him thinking that there's no harm in repeating it?

Am crying and I hate feeling weak. Have been strong for 8 long months and I am tired of having to be so.

For the first time, with the children upstairs asleep, am conscious of how alone I am in dealing with this. Strangely, given H is the agent of this, it's thrown in to sharp relief that my best friend, the one who'd I'd rely on is no longer is here, no longer exists. Hate him