ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

You have it covered

Personal dislike of the OW is understandable...no-one is that much a St Theresa

May feels too soon.

After about 5 or 6 years feels about right! (half-joking).

How do women cope with the presence of OW in their lives via the dc without becoming bitter, sobbing wrecks or wanting to scalp them when the dcs go off?

Vb - longtime lurker and deep sympathiser.

I hope he sticks to the agreement
My male friends wife had cheated on him with someone she had met online. They broke up, he moved out - she went to spend weekend with this guy.
Only second time she had met him btw
Then told my friend it wasn't serious, she would not introduce to kids. Imagine his surprise to find she had then spent a day at a themepark with him and kids and then took them to other part of country. She had only met him 3 times and deliberately went behind his back

It was absolutely awful and she is a vile woman. This guy could have been anyone! I worry so much

You need to ensure he won't try and introduce behind your back or 'just go to town' and accidentally meet her there iyswim?

Yes, you will have to watch out for the accidental meeting which will effectively force the issue

Am PMSL at the idea of this being a "special relationship." BJs in carparks? Nice.

Morning VB, catching up, glad you're so "on it", but agree it must be knackering having him knobbing about in your head all the time.

I agree with sticking to the plan, seems to me that there will be another crisis with OW and his so-called life soon and all this happy together crap will be put to one side. It feels like he's prodding you with a sharpened stick with those texts "just because he can" iyswim. He may be on a high after getting back with her. Well, that won't last will it?!!

ValentineBombshell: I have read all of the thread today and I feel compelled to say that I am full of admiration for the way you are coping with difficult circumstances.

You are a woman of integrity, warmth and wisdom and selflessness.

Continue as you have been doing, seek legal professional help as you need it and trust your own judgement.

Your children have a wonderful mother, and in my experience that outways most misfortunes. They will turn out like you.

I trust that one day you will find yourself in calmer waters again.

Must admit H latest 'knobbishness' to use PP's phrase is stressful and tiring - it's certainly taking it's toll on my hair! It's falling out in the shower, so have started taking lots of vitamins. Maybe it's just the timing of it combined with the stress of trying to sell house/trying to be all things to the dcs/working late into the night/getting date for the decree nisi through (October 5th) - and then his nonsense on top - or maybe it's the constant attrition from him. Up until recently it was easy to pity him, even laugh at his absurdities, but right now he makes me grind my teeth.

I am just so thankful for all your support, humour and insight - truly. Miss Mapp am both snurking and at your comments, although if you asked the older dcs today they would have said they had a dragon for a mother, having come to the end of my tether with their niggling & dc3 is poorly again so it could be a long night.

I honestly think you need a treat for just you. Get yourself for a spa treatment one afternoon when he has the kids and try to forget about it for one day at least

You have been so dignified and strong, but this will all be taking a toll on you, ESP if some hair is falling out. It'll be hard to switch off but I hope you can

Hope you are ok x

I hope snurking is positive? I must be older than I thought I was because I dont know what it is.

If you could let me in on it i could possibly try it myself!

Hope dc3 is feeling better.

Miss Mapp, snurking is that nasal squirting noise people make when they read, or hear, something that immediately strikes them as ridiculous, or maybe just fanciful, but they feel embarrassed about howling out loud - or so says my search engine

And thanks Kayano, can't do it now due to lack of funds but the ideas a good one!

First time H has done the pickup from childminder/nursery after school and then dropped them back in time for bed - all went smoothly, they got fed at childminder's first and he took them for a country walk, although think dc3 was tired and hungry.

Dc2 asked again, with both of us standing there, why we don't live together any more and why we don't love each other any more . H gave her the line about us grown ups not loving each other anymore but he still loved them.

He then left but dc2 was still asking why, so I said that Daddy had stopped loving me which made me sad and eventually I stopped loving him too. But I am happy now because she and dc1, and dc3 make me very happy and I love them lots and lots.

But have been kicking myself as for the last couple of weeks dc2 has been saying they are not well and wanting cuddles when I've been obviously busy (like when nappy changing) and I put it down to sibling jealousy, and have only just realised she's made a connection between H being 'poorly', crying, and using emotional blackmail, the distinct coolness from me and him leaving. Am just gutted I didn't realise it was causing her anxiety or made that as a link so have told her that I love her whether she's ill, or well or naughty or good, for ever and ever.

H's latest little poke with a stick

At drop off says, "Am sure there's something I meant to say."
No reaction from me, kids say goodbye, shut the door, he goes to the car, comes back and rings the bell
"Is it XX (name of solicitors' firm) you're using?"
[he knows it is]
"Someone's thinking of using them"
[meaning the OW for her own divorce]

Surely there would be a conflict of interest for the OW to use your solicitor especially if your husband was named in their divorce proceedings (which the husband of OW may well do). They couldn't act could they?

I hope not. But it's just another ploy to get at you really isn't it? You have spurned his advances and now he is just finding ways to grind your gears - it doesn't help that it's bloody working.

I think you've done very well to get this far and if you are able to second guess his motives then it may help in the long run. Stick to the arrangements for childcare for now though - especially in light of DC2s awareness and vulnerability of the situation. Which was of course caused by your wanker of a ex husband. I think it would only confuse her further to introduce the OW when she is just working though it mentally herself.

But of course you can't physically stop the fool 'bumping' into the OW on a visit. Be prepared to tear a strip from him if that happens. It's only natural to feel anger towards OW too - she has played a part in the breakdown of your marriage and young family, alongside your Ex. That makes them both a bit skanky IMO.

Good luck VB, not that you need it, just to keep your spirits up.

Thanks RB for the shot of common sense, sometimes you just need someone to cut to the chase for you! Hadn't thought about H being named in the other set of proceedings although (just a guess) but because of the nature of OW's set up, it will be 'unreasonable behaviour' against her H, now that she has a port in a storm to go to. Hope my solicitors can't represent her, they are not local to OW and there are plenty more firms to choose from.

I agree, H is completely straight-faced, in fact almost blank faced, but think he is attempting to hurt me. I feel like saying, er hello, who's meant to be the aggrieved party here?

H is stupid enough to consider engineering a meeting between OW and the dcs but he knows it would be ultimately the worst thing he could do. Repercussions would ensue, it would become a nasty mess. H would be going against the statement of arrangements which have gone before court and my desire to rein in the ILs would stop. Must admit I have a few 'revenge' plans but the fallout would not be pretty! Am trusting that H's sense of self-preservation and his telling me that he can be trusted to look after the dcs' welfare means that he won't be introducing the OW any time soon.

H failed to pick up the dcs in his access slot tonight. Was meant to collect them from childminder/nursery. He let me know with half an hour of his time still left, followed by a concerned call from nursery and CM saying she was about to ring. No apology or explanation.

He also texted earlier to say he wanted to back up my laptop to his hard-drive! He has his itunes stored on it and his job applications.

This man is a joke.
for you VB

ValentineBombshell... I too have read all of your thread tonight and I'm in awe of your composure. I think you're getting to a tough(er) bit now that all you can do, ie. chuck him out, instruct solicitors, sort out arrangements for access to the DCs, has been done (and very competently, in my opinion) but it's leaving you possibly with a feeling of 'What do I do now?'. Your H is still on the scene, like a frustrated tomcat, trying to 'spray' you with his ridiculous questions/notions and general twattery involving access so that you don't get him out of your head. In a way, he's like a child, any attention is good whether it's positive or not.

As far as your laptop goes, I wouldn't trust him an inch. If you feel so inclined, get a new cheap pen drive and just copy over his essential stuff. He's had ample time to prepare for leaving - you were the one who had to react to his selfishness and had no time to assimilate it all. Give him his job stuff, let him whistle for his music, not your concern and not your priority.

You've had some great support on this thread about disengaging and you're doing a fabulous job of it... it's just that he's like a stuck record, he keeps trying again and again and because you're a decent person, you answer what you think is reasonable. Because he's not decent, he thinks nothing of bothering you and jabbing at you whenever he can.

I don't know what would be a short, sharp message to him, but perhaps you could ask your solicitor - and ask her to send him a letter to desist talking about anything that is not strictly necessary and to address all queries through the legal channels. I think it would be money well spent if it protects you right now, VB, it's just too much. Your H is so very selfish and either he doesn't care how it affects your children or he's just too stupid and wrapped up himself to think beyond his own ignorant wants. I'd love to slap him. How proud his parents must be of him.

You don't need him or want him, it's bothering him. That's a good thing, but he's got to leave you alone.

Focus only on you and your DCs and nevermind what HE wants. Thinking of you and rooting for you to be well on the way to building your new fabulous life with no more thought of your H who will be standing on the sidelines lamenting what he used to have and threw away and he can regret that on his own time for as long as he likes.

Don't let him within six feet of your laptop. Put a password on it or change the password to something he'll never guess (one of our user names, perhaps ), lock it away, whatever, just NO. As someone above said, ask him what he wants from it, and put it onto a DVD or something - he may really only want what he's asked for, or he may be wanting to copy everything / delete things that are relevant to any divorce petition.

Kayano, I was internally spitting feathers ? my CM said ?calm VB, just be calm?. The dcs were hovering outside waiting for him to arrive so when he turned up I hadn't the heart to say 'no you can?t have an hour with your dad' ? he took them for some KFC ?whilst I fed and put dc3 to bed.

It was because it was Friday evening and there was no need to get up early the next morning, that I said they could go, but as from next week it will be different as dcs will have music 9am Sat morning, so no late Friday nights allowed. I don't want him to think that it's ok not to make the access times but neither do I want to give him the satisfaction of me reacting to his little games - if that's what that was? - it's not as if he was "oh my god, so sorry, was unavoidably held up at work', as I would be, totally mortified ... just nothing. However, fronting up to the childminder and nursery managers (all formidable women in their own right) might also make him wary of looking bad-dad.

LyingWITW (love the name btw and that must have been a mammoth read, the thread's getting a bit long), that is exactly how I feel, ?What do I do now??

Stupidly perhaps I thought in doing all the major things everything would fall into place. Ha!
I did think about going down the legal route when he was demanding I take him back over the summer holidays (and my solicitor did say that if he persisted they could act), but I?m not being harassed or threatened, he?s just making little digs. I have a date for decree nisi (Oct 5th) and then the finances have to be properly agreed. Don?t know if it?s naïve, but am hoping that will draw a line in the sand for both of us.

But that doesn?t take into account Christmas ?..[dread]

LWITW & Fluter, regarding the laptop: have told H if he tells me how, he can have his Itunes (I can copy or email his job applications) but no to backing up my laptop. The hardrive he's left here, didn't even know I had it, but work have now given him a laptop so he wants to set it all up. I don?t want him (or her) looking at my personal information or photos or anything else the computer stores (he's computer savvy; I am not) Have been pondering whether to copy him photos of the children so he doesn't ask for them later but don?t think it?s even occurred to him.

Access to laptop - ability to install keystroke logger (all your passwords etc and all information you are getting access to like here) also install remote access programme so that he can plant stuff on or direct you to stuff.

Also I am suspicious

I'm another vote for telling him where to stick his itunes. How aptly named. There's no "i" in "fuck off".

I know of someone whose H left her (in pretty low-life circumstances) and then started mentioning Christmas. She stated categorically that there was NO WAY he was having the children at Christmas, not now or ever! She said that was part of what he'd given up, it had not been her choice and that she had carried two babies to term with all that that entails and there was no way she wasn't going to be spending Christmas with them.
Brave words and not sure they'd have carried weight in court but they worked. He backed right off.

If he wants his iTunes and job apps, you can put them onto a memory stick for him and he can have them that way.

DO NOT GIVE HIM YOUR LAPTOP TO DO IT HIMSELF.

And well done btw, just seen this xx