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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

999 replies

ValentineBombshell · 10/06/2011 20:36

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 24/08/2011 00:15

I bet he had varicosities of the arsehole piles too Grin

blackcurrants · 28/08/2011 11:32

hope you're doing well, VB

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 29/08/2011 22:14

Hi Blackcurrants and everyone, thanks for checking on me, things here are ok, a few niggles but thankfully no outright dramas! The older dcs have had a lovely week's holiday with the ILs. H popped round to take dc3 out, we agreed to swap EA and he negotiated their fees, removed the dead bird (think it was a messy job), spoke to the bank (who after signing 3 forms to remove H from the account and having been told it couldn't be done over the phone, then required it be done over the phone) And then pretty much gone back to not letting him the house, to his mild disgust but there just isn't any need for him to be here.

We are having a 'debate' over when he sees the children at the weekend now it's term time. For a variety of undeniable reasons it needs it to be Saturday but he is baulking because that's the day OW's allocated him I suspect to fit in with her family plans. It will be interesting how this one turns out. He's also signed up to a gym, going with one of his flatmates (which is hopefully going to be better for him than just solely relying on pills) and his plan is also to sign up the dcs as it has a pool.

I have been making a bit of time for me in the absence of the older dcs thanks to some very kind people. My Dad and also long term friends have taken me out for lunch, I went to see an old neighbour of mine and have been out for cake with a friend from work.

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Saffysmum · 30/08/2011 08:27

VB - you sound very positive and resolute - great to read Smile

Time for yourself is vital - you can't look after kids/sort everything out if you don't have "me time". Lovely to go out with dad/friends - stuff like this will really help, believe me.

Yes, be interesting whether he puts kids first on Saturdays - bit of a test for him. Hopefully he will man up and put them before OW. But I've come to realise that would they should do and what they do are two different things.

Keep positive - you're doing amazingly well.

ThePosieParker · 30/08/2011 08:40

Wow...you're an amazing woman. Can't wait to hear more and more about your new life!! (Hey you could write a blog as your resolve is pretty inspirational and you write really well!)

lazarusb · 30/08/2011 17:10

I'm pleased things to be settling down for you a bit now and H is being a bit more reasonable. You are fab Smile

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 31/08/2011 19:38

Thanks for the supportive comments, although don't often feel that sure and strong, just wobbling my way through. Still think H is far too much in my thoughts.

Doesn't help that he is an hour and half late returning the dcs tonight. Have just texted him.

Am not pleased.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 20:16

has he turned up with the dc yet, VB ?

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 31/08/2011 21:15

Yes, he did, AF, two hours late. Just finished putting them to bed.

Must admit foolishly I did wonder if he'd decided to keep hold of them but then common sense kicked in. H is back at work tomorrow & DC3 is still at the stage of needing a small flotilla of baby paraphernalia which H hasn't got.

It was miscommunication on our part. I said bedtime, meaning dc3's, whilst he took it to mean the older dcs' which is later in holiday time. He had taken them swimming and then done a full roast dinner and with the 3 of them underfoot it took more time that he thought. Did say a text would have been welcome as I had delayed my own evening meal.

But it just goes back to MA's point about having access details completely documented or being really relaxed and laissez faire about it. Suspect I am the former and H is the latter. However, have introduced him to the wonders of syncing calenders on the mobile phone.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 21:16

OK, glad to hear all is ok. You will work it out Smile

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 04/09/2011 21:56

H's latest:

A (perhaps tactical and devious thought) pops in to my head. That it may, in fact, be helpful for the children to see that I am happy with someone else. I can understand your opinion, on that one but at some point, perhaps, should trust my judgement and my ability to look after our children

And then:

It is nice to have an intelligent debate [I wrote a polite reply suggesting that after events of the summer holidays children's needs must come first/reminded him of the children's statement of arrangements agreed by court] It could be argued the opposite though. Given past difficulties and the fact we are still together and rebuilding, it is only a matter of time before it would become a realistic and helpful proposition.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/09/2011 22:00

I don't understand, VB

what is he trying to get you to agree to ?

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 04/09/2011 22:02

Having just got back with the OW last week, having spent the summer holidays tearfully begging me to take him back and being angry at me, giving no thought to the children who were observers to it all ... is it wrong to want to do him violence?

OP posts:
Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 04/09/2011 22:03

He thinks it would be a marvellous idea if the children meet the OW and see him 'happy with someone else'

This would be the OW he got back together with last week.

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Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 04/09/2011 22:05

Sorry AF, if I wasn't clear, hopefully previous post made a little more sense!

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clam · 04/09/2011 22:06

So he wants to introduce the DCs to the OW and for them to play happy families.
Yeah right.

AnyFucker · 04/09/2011 22:15

that's what I thought but didn't want to launch into full he is a fucking dickhead mode without being sure Grin

he is a massive wanker

that is all

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 04/09/2011 22:27

He has a new counsellor who I strongly suspect has conveyed that the relationship with the OW must be special if he's left a marriage and they have faced tremendous difficulties and are still together, forged through the fires of adversity etc (given I had a few texts about how the counselling was the best hour he'd spent this year...)... and that appears to be the jist of his text.

As the object of his unwanted gifts, pleas and tantrums to take him back for most of the summer holiday, I have a different spin: two needy people who have their dramas and the 'world is against them' to hold them together. Had little doubt he would be back with the OW by the start of term but am now angry and concerned on behalf of the dcs.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/09/2011 22:31

you have him so sussed, VB

feel sorry for him...but maintain that healthy disdain you feel too

he is deluded, always has been

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 04/09/2011 22:34

Don't know whether to ignore this latest from him or tell it to him straight (by email), pointing out the complete unreasonableness of this, given everything he has said and done recently.

I did simply state 'we will stick to what has already been agreed' in the blandest way possible- but really on behalf of the children am so very grrrr.

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Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 04/09/2011 22:38

Problem is, in having him sussed (thanks to the wisdom of MN), he is too much in my head. Would really like him to piss off out of it.

So ignore this latest?

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AnyFucker · 04/09/2011 22:41

yes, stick to the broekn record technique

you have an agreement in place, you expect him to abide by it

aside this is not to be discussed with him, but can I ask when/what will have to happen for you to agree for your dc to meet OW ?

don't take this as a criticism, but you know you will be asked this, and you know you cannot prevent it for ever

I think it would help if you have you thoughts crystallised on this matter, if only so you answer the queries as they arise

AnyFucker · 04/09/2011 22:42

broken

warthog · 04/09/2011 22:44

hi vb.

i've been lurking on your thread and have been completely amazed by your ex's fuckwittery.

i would not respond to stupid suggestions like that. he's behaving like a schoolboy - 'oooh look i'm happy with someone else. na na nana na.'

if anything, i'd say you'd only be happy with him introducing dc's to ow after they've been together at least a few months - uninterrupted. but i wouldn't dignify his text with a response...

so sorry you're going through this.

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 04/09/2011 23:18

The statement of arrangements for the children says to review after a year (signed in May I think) which included a statement about not meeting the OW given the untested and uncertain nature of their relationship (she was still with the abusive alcoholic husband at that point who knew nothing)

In my mind, I would like the children moved and settled into new school before meeting OW. I also strongly prefer H & OW to have been together for months (and not a week) and H to have established himself as step-father to her children, since she is their primary carer, which has been a source of tension before. Selfishly, if they want to test out their relationship they can do so on her older dcs first, and not mine.

And my ILs (might have mentioned them a time or two before) would appear at their place of work for a public airing of opinion if they thought the grandchildren's welfare was being threatened. But tbh, I would not want the ILs to do that to themselves.

But am so not a saint and I know that woven in there too is a strong personal dislike of the OW, not just a desire to protect the dcs. It's bad enough I have to still see H (who I know is the one who made the vows to me) as a reminder of the marriage and companionship I once had, so where the venom for the OW comes from I don't rationally know!

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