ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

He was dreading seeing the OW at work. Suspect it's all gone v sour, she's put the demands of her kids first (which she hadn't conveniently until then) as means of ending it with H and H saying he'd made a mistake and wanted to go back to me.

Don't worry, am not that sorry for him. Came across something he attempted to 'regift' to her (sitting by the bin now) and had to go reset modem which is in the 4th bedroom, the one he decamped to and I was reminded how he'd treat the house like a hotel whilst conducting his affair in front of me.

I think the emotion is pity, bit like how I might feel for a mangy abandoned mutt but one that will infest your carpets with fleas and be accompanied by a hefty vet's bill, so nothing you really want to take on but you'd call the RSPCA.

yes, you might call the RSPCA to have it humanely put down

I would certainly have more respect for a mangy old mutt

Yeah you don't want to feel sorry for mangy old mutts. I had one of those patrolling my street for a while, I felt sorry for it and used to speak to it (but not to the point of touching it, it really did have mange!) - what thanks did I get? the day I accidentally left my front gate open, came home to a pile of dog-diarrhoea outside my front door. Yeah, thanks for that.

So don't be nice to him or he'll shit on your doorstep.

You might suggest to him next time he turns up all distraught that you will call for an ambulance/police for him immediately as he is clearly going through a mh crisis and in need of urgent assessment/help from competent professionals.

I would be willing to bet he is well able to appear cool and calm in the GP's office.

@ mangy mutt anecdotes

MA, when he sees the GP I think H is distressed, certainly his eyes look red rimmed.

Happily, I am not around too much this week, seeing my old neighbour and meeting up with my father in a nice hotel for lunch

And then H is back at work later this week (v much hope he manages to stay in work) so evening access resumes next week which hasn't taken place outside the home before. Am assuming he just picks up, including 1 yr old dc3, takes out for tea and returns them in time for bedtime? So 4.-30/5 o'clock-ish to 6.00/6.30-ish? Don't think he can get them there and back to his place in that time at that time of day which inevitably means McDonald's.

ah, the commencement of the McDonald's Dad Scenario

expect more "breakdowns" now as true reality starts to take a grip

That's not something to look forward to but thanks for the warning, MN have been remarkably prescient regarding H. Just wish he was able to keep his head down and soak up the pressure that work are certainly going to direct his way and just get on with being a good dad to the children. It is a big worry that he will crash and burn with the resultant impact on the dcs and us financially.

And as for Christmas....give me strength!

Assume absolutely nothing about the evening visitation schedule for the week. It is time for you to become assertive here.

Sit down and consider what you want. Then, when you are clear in your mind what times you want him to observe, send an e-mail with your schedule, asking him to confirm by e-mail that he will pick the DCs up at the garden gate at a specific time (no 'ish') and return them home at a specific time and to a specific place. I would avoid the front doorstep since it seems to be the locus of so much angst for him.

If he has a problem with your schedule, then negotiate. Don't be afraid to say 'sorry, that doesn't work for me'.

Totally taking on board the need for precise timings and no 'ish' and getting everything down in email. I really liked the idea of syncing the Google calendar but am have trouble making it work atm. It's this kind of practical advice I really need so it's a smooth transition for the kids, so all advice welcomed.

Unfortunately, unless I leave the dcs at the end of a long drive next to the road (not ideal for 1 yr old dc3!) H has no option but come to the door.

Neither of us have our work schedules finalised yet, which will include a couple of late meetings, and the dcs afterschool activities, so will not exactly be laying down the law with H but once the term-time pattern is going H will have to stick to it, and tbf, he has just about managed to get a hang of the summer holiday one now.

And for the first time proper missed H today:

Couldn't get the lawnmower started so had to use the hand held and rake up the grass ....have now located instruction manual for the petrol operated beast so will be tinkering with that later.

And found a dead bird stuck half in/half out of the electricity meter box [boak] and am afraid to say it's still there!

I really felt the wind under my wings when I had to take care of chores like cleaning out the gutters and managed to do them without half the fuss and bother exH used to generate. Felt so good to hear the rainwater whooshing down those cleared downspouts.

I do get satisfaction from doing that sort of thing, but I am bird phobic so am just pretending it isn't there! Am averting my eyes now when I go out to the bins!

Will either tame the lawnmower (given to us by an elderly neighbour) or close my eyes and stick a new one on the credit card.

If you really can't face the bird do you have a neighbour you could ask or your FIL? I did that once with a very large arachnid which had been harassing me for some time I know it's not the MN way but sometimes....you are dealing with enough already!

Had a phone call from H asking me to leave pram for dc3 at nursery (as that's where he's picking dc3 up from tomorrow) and said he'd received some good news. Daftly I rose to the bait (thinking it was either work or health related) and it's regarding OW who he is going to meet up with before going back to work; so think can safely assume the relationship's going to be back on by the end of the week. Whilst relieved to have him off my back, this is just prolonging the unhealthy drama that is his life, that in turn gets visited on the dcs.

FIL suggests forwarding her H's texts and emails that he sent me
Really I am just going to continue doing what I have been doing which is stepping back, keeping it cordial but business-like for the sake of the children who don't need to see us warring but do need to realise we're separate.

And hey, if he's with OW, Christmas problems solved!
[off to stalk Fellatio in anticipation of her Xmas thread]

Am firmly ignoring the boaktastic dead bird
[jingle bells, jingle bells...]

he received some "good news" ?

did you congratulate him warmly ?

His sensitivity knows no bounds, doesn't it?

Didn't warmly congratulate him AF, just changed the subject to need to agree the new Estate Agent, will email details of choices and said goodbye.

He hasn't said he wants back with the OW, but given he was worried about seeing her at work, he will have instigated the contact and was all hyper, could hear how 'up' he was on the phone. So two needy, unhappy people...about 20 mins tops I think to rekindle things [shrug]

< shrug > indeed

There you go, VB - that just shows how much he was desperate to get back together with you - so sorry. What a knob he is. :(

Ach, no, don't be sorry on my behalf, I knew he was looking for any port in a storm. He made no professions of love btw, just saying how he'd got it wrong before, he'd remembered loads of times we were really happy, in love and attuned, when prior he was struggling to remember any (thoughts like those probably don't readily come to mind when otherwise occupied in car parks ) No, he was all 'you have to take me back'/'just listen to me'/angling any which way to get his foot in the door, nothing to do with me at all.

He's got more romantically invested with the OW who he has made professions of undying love to. This will just have been another bump in the rocky road to soulmatedom.

PMSL at "bump in the rocky road to soulmatedom" - hahaha!
That's brilliant.

He is a drip, isn't he? I can't remember if I mentioned it on here, but my first fiancé and I were together for 11y, before he fecked off with a secretary from work 3m before we were due to get married; it took me a year to go from devastated to laughing when his grandparents told me he was having his varicose veins stripped just in time for their 1st anniversary together and the realisation that I'd spent all this time with a wimpish little nerd who very few of my friends really liked! Took a while to be truly grateful that he'd put me through it, but in the end I was. Life is so much better without him :)

Getting his veins stripped! Bet he looked good in those tubular support stockings. Yes, can see why life's improved immeasurably, Thumb!

H's 40th birthday present from me this year was a vasectomy.

I know! he was only 30 as well, amazing!

What a thoughtful gift to you, VB. You must have been absolutely under overwhelmed, hmm?

they do say varicose veins can be caused by being full of shit constipation