ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Add some kind of chemical to the water maybe?? Well done though, he's not going to make it easy is he?

How are you as hard as nails with your ex, lazarusb?

Maybe something more "civil" can evolve later on, much later on

But right now, your message has to be totall consistent

there are to be no chinks in your armour, and no more you being the little woman thinking if his well being

he should feed his own kids, btw (and himself)

that crispie cake needed to be inserted where the sun don't shine

bar the doorway, and don't turn your back, seriously

Agree - shovel the kids out in front of you, and stand in the doorway while he belts them into the car so you can wave good bye - then shut the door. He has no business at all still wandering freely around your home. None. God, the cheek of it!

The "battle" line is the front step - do not cross it, and don't let him cross it either.

VB It has been 16 years since the happy day I left my ex. Our situation was not the same as yours though. He liked control. Over time I stood up to him (which was hard) when he wanted to walk into my home, tell me who I could speak to, where I could go and dismissing every decision I made for ds (he was 5 when I left).
I realised that my ex still felt he had the right to do it so I started to shut myself off. I refused to show him how much he got to me, how much he upset me. I made sure he knew that I was happy without him and conducting my life well. He is/was responsible for his own behaviour and decisions. I don't accept that anything he did since we split was my fault.
Tell him in no uncertain terms that he can no longer walk into your home. He doesn't live there any more. It was his decision, he has to accept that and live with it. I know you want to keep the peace in front of your dcs but he is taking advantage of this. Don't let him walk all over you - he sees you as a commodity, still there for his wants and needs.

In the parlance of parenthood, he's 'testing' you, pushing the boundaries, seeing how much he can still get away with. Firm but calm words needed. Maybe some difficult stairgates across doorways too

Also a bit of "what on earth do you think you are doing?" in haughty tones.

I think you need to get angry VB. Not in a verbal or physical sense maybe but you need to start thinking that 'you can't do this to me'. It isn't right. You have been more than reasonable throughout this sorry saga but you need to put yourself first. I know I sound like a broken record but when will it stop? When your house is sold, divorce finalised, when you meet someone new, your children leave home....?

He has no right to just walk in or ask you to feed him - give him an inch, he is taking miles!

Hi VB (and everyone else )

I dip in and out of your thread(s) lurking.
You have some fab people chatting and supporting you -as you well deserve.

Your twatty x is a total fool.

lol at pissing up your leg, Hamsters! And then the dog analogy made me read the next bit as drinking out of your toilet!!!

I would pay good money to see him drink out of the toilet!

You definitely need to stay on the doorstep till the DC are all out, then shut the door in H's face. He should have no access to the house at all. Best of luck, keep being firm (and mildly contemptuous) with him.

You need one of those tasar (sp?) guns let alone a water gun!

3 weeks after Twunt left he came round to see YS. Whilst I was in the kitchen he opened his mail (which was still being delivered here because "he didn't have time" to get it redirected). He wandered into the kitchen, and went to the bin, and shoved a load of envelopes/junk mail in it. I seethed. Then he got the kettle and went to fill it up. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" said I, in a sharp tone. "Making a cuppa, want one?" Twunt replied. "No, and you wait to be offered a drink in this house; don't ever do that again", replied I. And he hasn't. (Done it again, or been offered a drink).

just read all of this thread. You are one strong woman VB :)

FWIW - the only time my ex let me back into our flat was when I was taking ds down to him one afternoon and we fed the ducks in the park on the way. During which time I fell into pond and arrived covered in pond slime. He let me in to phone DH to come and pick me up.
I suggest you keep him out of your house pond slime or not.

I know you don't have eyes in the back of your head, but it is becoming obvious that if you give this man an inch he will take a mile. Using the toilet is a form of territory marking.

I think for the next time, he should be responsible for ushering everyone from the door to the car and buckling them all in, while you stand in front of your own closed and maybe even locked door, waving (and guarding your territory).

He should be responsible for feeding them while out. Only reasonable thing you could see to is sending rain gear if the weather looks iffy.

H returned the dcs an hour earlier than he needed to.
I stood in the doorway and didn't budge, said, "In you come kids"
H: So I'm not coming in then? (tone challenging)
Me: No
H: So I'm just going to drop them off and leave?
Me: Yes. Say goodbye kids, see you Saturday
H: 9am (for swimming)

but suspect Saturday will be a bigger test as that is his 'day' with the dcs, he takes the older two swimming and then usually stayed to play with dc3 as well as the other two/mowed the grass and generally made himself comfortable.

H hadn't fed dc3 his lunch, just given him milk to feed himself in his pram

Had a phone call this evening from H to ask how the 1st viewing went and I kept it very factual and clipped.

Well done, am proud of you. X

FABULOUS, FABULOUS

Oh. I appear to be shouting

I have lurked on this thread VB and just wanted to say what a great person you are; making so much effort to make things easier for your children. I agree with the others though about keeping him at arms length but you are doing an amazing job and keep up the good work, your kids will thank you in the long run.

Excellent! You have passed the first test for my 'Hard as Nails' course! I bet you feel better, strong and empowered? Keep it up.

Thank you for all the nice comments, including the shouty ones!
Have a feeling that H is just regrouping. He likes to 'win'

First viewing went really well. EA said they loved the house and are considering putting in an offer but not sure what sort of offer
(they have no chain, have been holding on for the market to crash and it hasn't, so if they do follow through it's probably going to be a cheeky one)

Omg VB I've just seen this thread. I was posting about my H's infidelity around the same time (different name) and I remember your original posts. Haven't been around as I too had to step back from MN for a bit (not too long though!). I am so so sorry everything has turned out like this.

(Will PM you my past names just in case you remember.)