ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

And now a text about having picked me up some chocolate (he must be shopping late night), and the cost (so I can pay him back) which facilitates contact.

This is my mistake. Whilst H out with the dcs last week he went shopping, got them some food for lunch and also texted me to ask if I needed any shopping (as was at home with youngest dc - we live in ruraldom) and I said baby milk and chocolate, which wasn't available.

And now a phone call asking if 'we' have a double lightweight duvet before he buys another
(H knows he has all the double bed bedding)

Told him not to bother with the chocolate.

He says he owes me and he'll put it in the fridge, I won't even notice
I said 'no chocolate'

[sigh]

I should have said 'no as you won't be coming into the house'

Will need to have dcs ready to shove out the door tomorrow and earlier than 12, otherwise they will just let him in. I didn't want to have to tell him he wasn't coming into the house in front of them.

Bless you Cleverything, but I give up on the name changes and will just get rid of KC

But will revert to VB as that is me.

See, seemless

< head spin >

Him "picking you up a bit of shopping" has to stop

maybe he thinks he is coming here and I am going out??

(as have banged on about familiar surroundings for kids)

have texted him to say don't buy me things/kids will be ready to be collected/I will be at home to get house ready for viewing

Please stay as VB from me too, because I have the OP's posts highlighted and it doesn't work when you namechange!

So far I agree entirely with AF on the email and the rest of his communications this eve have been in a response to it. The "charm offensive" (and it is offensive ) again.

Still, you only have to tell him how you feel once - you've done it now, you don't need to do it ever again - it's no longer his business.

He doesn't need to bring you anything. He doesn't need to bring the family anything. He just needs to do his duty as a father to his children (something that would have been better done by not fucking off with some random bird, but hey).

And as always, your FIL is priceless. In fact, your whole family are wonderful (ILs included) apart from the feckless manchild - but you wouldn't have the rest of him if it hadn't been for him, so he wasn't a total waste of space.

oh and another thing - you are entering into text "conversations" with him again - hard as it is, this has to stop. One text to give times/conditions of seeing DC is all that's required; if he replies, you don't need to reply back UNLESS it is to change times/conditions. Not even mannerly 'thank you' texts are necessary, it just prolongs the "conversation".

Hard to do but necessary!

Thumbwitch is right VB; it is hard to go minimum contact (i.e. just arrangements about kids in a civil manner). But it is so essential for you. He will be looking for any little way in, so even a "thank you" or "I'm ok, how are you" will be pounced on by him, and used as a lever to get back in.

It has to stop. Things won't improve until you get to the stage where he picks kids up at door, drops them off at door. No in between small talk, no more having tea at yours, no more doing you errands...hard I know, but crucial for him to get the message, and for you to move on.

You are all right, of course. It will be hard to do, as it's not in my nature to be like this with anyone, but must be done.

I don't know, I did envisage something more 'grown up' and civilised

The 12 o'clock pickup and afternoon drop-off will be 'interesting' I suspect

[sigh]

If he's taking the children out for 4 hours or so, from 12-4pm, (think it will be a country park/farm park or similar) do I provide their food/drink/pack them a bag to take? (will certainly send dc3 with milk/baby food, nappies etc). Do I include enough for H to share?

NO! He can buy his own!! In your shoes(or any shoes in fact) I would pack for the children but he can bog off. You're too nice VB!!! (no bad thing under normal circs but this is not normal!)

Umm, no! Do you really need to ask that question?

(been reading your thread off and on for days so am not just randomly popping up I think you are being fantastically superior in the face of shelfish nobbishness btw - keep it up )

Stop doing him favours! He is taking your dcs out so he is responsible for feeding them! (I remember a week after I left my ex he phoned and asked if I was still going to do his weekly shop I said no, firmly).
Make yourself your priority and stop engaging with his crappy mind games. At no time has he put you first, or your dcs. Time to get hard and toughen up VB.

Loving 'shelfish nobbishness'

And thanks, am completely treading new ground.

Have packed dcs' lunch. Suspect I am turning into my late mother and will offer to feed anyone who crosses the threshold!

[apple crumble, anyone?]

Given H is in a bedsit, unreasonable to expect him to provide for the dcs, but he can buy/provide his own, although suspect he will hoover up what the dcs don't eat.

Really someone ought to put your collective wisdom into one of those MN guides - The MN Guide to Getting That Man out of Your Hair

Or something a lot pithier!

So he feeds them when out? No packed lunch by me?

Only one problem with that, VB - the men could buy it too and then they'd have the equivalent of Wellington's Battle Plans for Waterloo. Not A Good Idea.

Agree with others - as he is not your responsibity in any way, you have no need to feed him, just your DC. In fact, it is not unreasonable to expect him to provide food for HIS DC as well, but if you want to make sure they have a decent meal, it's probably wiser to provide it yourself.

well, even better VB, now you're talking!! They won't starve x

Clearly this chapter is How To Be Made of Sterner Stuff co-writen by PP, Thumb, welliesandpyjamas and lazarusb

Thanks

Are you kidding, you're awesome woman and don't you forget it!

No, of course you shouldn't give them a packed lunch. They are HIS children too. Even if you live in a bedsit you can make a sandwich (or buy one). HE got himself into this situation OP, not you. Even if his idea of lunch for your dcs is rubbish, you've given them breakfast and you will give them dinner too this evening. They will not fade away.

It is about time he actually has to deal with something instead of letting you do everything. You want stern stuff VB? When it comes to my ex I am as hard as nails...

H picked them up
They were ready and waiting to go.

Asked if the flowers were still alive.
Shoved dc3 at him, shoved everything in the car
Whilst I had my back turned he wondered into the house, helped himself to a rice crispie cake, went to the toilet, hovered a bit, asked if I had packed him anything too, asked if dc3 had been fed, took back the chocolate and left.

Think I am going to have to keep a squirty bottle of water by the door.
And strategically just stand in the doorway.
But no confrontation in front of the kids