ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

[ValentineBombshell]

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

Time to switch him off OP. Stop being so kind to him. Be cold (and mean it). Tell you aren't interested in either his false flattery or him. He is still playing your children against you and that is unforgivable. He still hasn't acknowledged what he's really done. His interest in OW is waning because she has now become hard work so he wants to walk back into your home,life, bed.

You are strong and clear OP. Stop letting him even discuss this with you.

that email made my stomach roll with nausea < boak >

it has quite spoiled my ham'n'cheese toastie

the arrogance and self-delusion is really staggering, in some ways you cannot help but admire such monumental self-belief

really, you have to limit any communication to times/dates for access to the children

anything else if just hot air and bollocks

btw, if he has any more "episodes" or "unsafeness" call an ambulance on him (or say you are)

cue ....miraculous gathering of the wits

AF 'Hot air and bollocks'.

Totally sums it up...I bow to your eloquence

Was thinking of making my excuses and going out tomorrow when H sees the kids but why should I? Am now feeling really indignant that H has upset me like this. I do not want his attentions, (sincere or otherwise) nor to I want to be made to feel responsible for him and his feelings

Spoke to my FIL, who said he thought this might happen (why am I the only one who didn't see it coming?)

FIL said H walked on his wife and children, tell him to get lost. He''s killed any love you had for him and he's made his bed, now lie in it.

They don't want him turning up there
The only way for him is down, that was obvious as soon as he made the decision to leave.

Your FIL is fab.

he made the decision

he walked

nobody held a gun to his head

if he goes down, so be it

men like this, every day, pursue what they think is their own happiness at the expense of their family's

funny how it often ends so badly for the poor little deluded manchildren, isn't it ?

a shitty little bedsit and November afternoons in the local McDonald's

so worth it

'It dismays me to hear you say 'never'. But then again I like a challenge so maybe now I want you more. It would be great to be back together but do understand the issues and barriers I have created. I have been very ill and you supported me and loved me through an unreasonable amount of crap - and here's an understatement. I will never be with your equal - no such person exists. I will think about all this. By the way I do not expect to turn up one day and we are back together - realise it would be a very slow process if it were even possible to happen.'

Expressing the hope that he hasn't woken you at 3am is the icing on the cake of piss-taking, isn't it? ('..the game of love is never called on account of darkness')

Sorry MA, dc3 has somehow disabled the laptop's sound so can't hear Pepe

Have sent H this email:

I received yout text.

I have been clear. I do not want your attentions (sincere or otherwise) nor do I want to be made responsible for you or your feelings.

Please pick up the children tomorrow at 12 o'clock and drop them back by 4.30 at the latest as there is a house viewing at 5pm and I need to get us all out of the way.

I am sorry but I do not want to see you. You have really upset me.

That email is fine

But take the last two sentences off.

Agree with AF. You have NOTHING to apologise for. You don't need to tell him how you feel - he knows what he is doing. Don't give him the satisfaction. Vent here instead!

Your FIL is an absolute star

ah, just noticed you already sent it

ok, next time...do not tell him how he makes you feel, do not apologise for not wanting to see him

keep it cold and factual....no emotion whatsoever

he will feed off your feelings

haven't you yet realised what an emotional vampire he is ?

Think I might have mentioned a time or two before my FiL is lovely but scary! They are taking the older two camping for a week so they get a holiday this summer, plus it reassures them that they still are very much a part of the grand-children's lives and vice versa.

Put the last line in the email (and I did deliberate over it) because I want him to know a) I don't want to see him tomorrow or for quite some time now - so his actions have repercussions - and sets up him not coming into the house anymore and b) I rarely get upset (visibly) and about time he knew I have feelings too and ought to be more considerate of them. It's a back-off statement.

If there is need for further emails (increasingly as you suggest the method of communication) then I will borrow your/my FIL's words.

Will look into Google calendar, Cleverything, it sounds like a practical solution.

there is nothing "scary" about being cold and clear...I like the sound of your FIL

Fuckwit was very clear when he dumped his family for OW

When you try to tell him his actions will have repercussions, and tell him your emotional response to what he does or says, it encourages him to keep on doing it/saying it. He doesn't care whether he hurts your or upsets you. He cares only that you have had a response/reaction and that he has managed to keep you engaged with him even on a negative basis.

That is why you need to keep your communication with him cold and factual, limited only to your instructions to him wrt the schedule and what exactly you want in terms of distance from him. No explanation, apologies, or revelations that he has upset you. No attempts to make this a question of his actions having repercussions. Plough ahead with your agenda. Do not let his agenda edge yours out.

You haven't been privy for FIL's other 'advice' or 'offers' of help. He's being very restrained!

fair enough, VB

did it involve kneecapping or removal of nuts ?

Am hoping it will be enough MA. Otherwise, yes, your approach makes total sense. It's not in my nature to be that way with people but if I can stay hacked off with him it will be easier!

H replied: Sorry

I love the sound of your FIL - wish he was mine!

And he isn't scary - he's just totally realistic and has his son totally weighed up. For a father to see his son so realistically, and support you so much, says all you need to know and all we need to know.

Valentine - just read all this thread and wanted to add my support - stay strong xx

Linden, you must have time on your hands, the thread's getting very long! Thank you btw

My FIL has many faults and is not an easy man to live with (MIL should be canonised) but they have both been totally supportive of me and the children and they are both very good grandparents. I am, tbh, amazed that they have taken this stance and thought they would have relented with H by now, he is MIL's only child. And it's not just the the ILs, but H's aunts and sisters too.

My own father is supportive but in a much more muted way. He has offered to help me financially when it comes to paying for the solicitor to do the settlement, and I will pay him back out of the proceeds of the house-sale.

Am ridiculously pleased about having the first house viewing tomorrow - daft really, as who sells after one viewing these days. Had another EA out today who suggested a much lower figure, and may well have to bite the bullet if I want it to shift quickly.

And H is reponding in kind: I will be there at the stated times.

good, that is fine