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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ValentineBombshell: well it went tits up but thank you

999 replies

ValentineBombshell · 10/06/2011 20:36

Hello to anyone who remembers me from, as my name suggests, way back in February. Am a long time MN regular whose H confessed to kissing a colleague at work/an EA.

original thread here

Had to step away from MN for a bit as everything just imploded. Of course he hadn't just kissed her, it was all far more tawdry than that, she'd been giving him blowjobs in carparks.

And now my life reads like a badly scripted soap. Am about to proceed with divorce, distressingly he is still living in the same house as me and the children and he has reached heights (or should that be lows?) of jaw-dropping awfulness.

But I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the wise words that MNers took the time to post, for the support and the tough love, both of value in equal measure. And hopefully back on MN under my usual name xx

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 21:55

back to propping him up Sad

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 08/08/2011 21:59

Thanks Smum, that was my though too about the counselling.

Will strongly suggest he ought to go back. He is asking of me what I cannot give him but he needs to do a whole load of work on himself.

He doesn't love me. Or not in the way that is healthy or good for me. Was talking to my father who says H is looking for a crutch, for me to rescue him.

OP posts:
didyouseewhatshedid · 08/08/2011 22:03

Smum99 - if I hear anybody else use the phrase "vulnerable to infidelity" i'm gonna scream. FFS.

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 08/08/2011 22:11

I don't know AF. I could blow him out of the water totally tomorrow. But very, very practically I want a decent financial settlement first and because he still sees the kids, I need him to be sane and whole. So two very good reasons.

When asked about how I envisaged the future it was as amicable but distant parents, the kids happy and doing well. Need to think how best to achieve that.

My thinking aloud is this: make it clear no chance tomorrow, but just based on lack of trust/respect, than a complete demolition of his character. And steer him the way I want him to go, especially counselling. Maybe approaching his parents himself (although they might not be keen). In fact they are on holiday so could get H off my hands for a bit by suggesting he find them(sorry ILs!)

Or just turn my back completely and leave him to it.

OP posts:
Saffysmum · 08/08/2011 22:34

Hi - just catching up. It's all so predictable - I don't have a 6th sense btw, but I have seen all this happen so often.

You're standing firm - he's no longer in control. He says he wants you back, so he can control you again. If he came back, he would still see OW (or another OW). You would kick yourself for having him back and resent his neediness.

What is he - a man or a completely overgrown baby? You are not his wet nurse!

What he needs or wants is his lookout. He cannot continue to dump all his emotional shit on you - it is not your role anymore. It's unhealthy. He's already wearing you down, and he isn't with you anymore.

Just please stay firm. And you don't have to give him a reason for not having him back - think about it - why on earth should he deserve a reason? To protect his feelings? WTF? He will never grow up if people tip toe around his emotions all the time. We all have feelings, we are all vulnerable to some extent. Like I said before, he might crash and burn - then other people, (that he chose to be with) can help him. Or the drs can.

Don't give him a reason. Just say "no". No explanation, nothing. Or you can borrow one of my dear departed nan's one-liners: "I wouldn't have you back if your arse was stuffed with gold".

I know about keeping him sweet for financial reasons, but solicitors have seen all this before - if we can pre-empt his next move, they certainly can.

Back away. Stay resolute. Get the solicitor firing on all cylinders.

If you have him back you won't be able to live with him. And far more importantly, you won't be able to live with yourself.

You are worth so much more.

AnyFucker · 08/08/2011 22:45

amen

Thumbwitch · 08/08/2011 23:09

I have to agree with Saffy'smum too.

Say no. If he starts the wailing again, tell him to grow the fuck up, how old does he think he is, FFS?

I remember my ex-F asking me to stay friends - I said "would you want to be friends with someone who had kicked you in the guts and ripped your heart out?" He said "probably not when you put it like that". You may borrow that line if you think Saffysmum's nan'd line is a touch too harsh! Grin (although I think it's brilliant).

I agree it would be better not to give a reason but he will probably push for one - you could also say he's hurt you faaaaarrr too much for you to want to spend any time with him alone at the moment.

And yes, get the solicitor moving with the settlement so it's not hanging over your head.

You don't need this emotional leech! If you need anyone, you need a life partner and a man, not this manchild who wails when he can't get his own way (I mean, seriously, WTF?? Hmm)

Stay strong missus - you're doing grand so far - you will cope with his patheticness as well and although you're allowed to feel sorry for him (you're human, after all), he's not your problem any more.

have an unMNly ((hug)) to keep you going. :)

AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 09:31

all the best for today, VB

mathanxiety · 09/08/2011 16:20

Just remember this is the same man who was making noises about 'his rights' wrt 'his' children only a few short days ago...

You seem to be dealing with the sort of person who uses words as if they have no foreseeable impact on others, and who does things that are completely unacceptable, while insisting that you judge him by his intentions and not by the effects of his words or behaviour on you or the children.

Smum99 · 09/08/2011 20:21

didyouseewhatshedid, not sure what your issue is..if someone has vulnerabilities to affairs it isn't an excuse or justification. However I don't VB needs this a debate on this thread.

didyouseewhatshedid · 09/08/2011 21:12

You're right Smum, not a debate for this thread. Just dont like the phrase - think it smacks of bullshit - and, in the context you mentioned, it kinda makes it sound like the affair was out of the OP's partner's hands. It wasnt. He's just, a cock.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 21:34

didyouseewhatshedid in case you hadn't noticed, this is a support thread

so if you haven't anything useful to say, it might be best, you know, to say nothing, really

take your wisecracks elsewhere, they might be better appreciated

picking up on someone's turn of phrase is kinda insensitive in this context innit ?

lazarusb · 09/08/2011 21:35

Think about your dcs OP. You have been so strong, their rock for a long time now. They don't need to see their Mum being used, emotionally manipulated and dragged down. They deserve better. So do you.

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 09/08/2011 21:37

Ach, no worries, he is both vulnerable to infidelity and a cock - how about that? Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 09/08/2011 21:38

Well a surreal day in the land of complete loon

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 21:46

DYSWID stay out my inbox, mate

AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 21:47

DYSWSD

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 09/08/2011 21:47

He arrived bearing gifts. Game for ds1 to borrow, sweeties for the kids, and chocolates and really nice looking flowers for me (including a jest about their expense - meaning not really)

He said later on he was glad I hadn't thrown them back at him, but I pointed out he had done so in front of dd who was dancing up and down in front at excitement at everyone getting gifts.

Plus, I don't like cut flowers, they arrive all lovely and then you watch them wither and die...hate the waste...and you'd think after 21 years, might know this.

I know I'm rather missing the point (like it's in any way appropriate!) but just wanted to show you how wide of the mark truly he is, in case you thought I was vulnerable to floral bouquets.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 21:47

everything ok, VB ?

AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 21:47

oops, x post, will go back and read

didyouseewhatshedid · 09/08/2011 21:48

Will do AF. If you stay off my case. Mate.

AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 21:49

so, what did he want to talk about ?

didn't he try and convince you what a wonderful gift he actually is, and what a mistake you are making by throwing it all away ? Smile

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 09/08/2011 22:03

He then said he didn't want to talk
I thought great, he's changed his mind about what he said last night which suits me.

H said he had had an 'episode' last night and thought about going to a hospital to seek help. But then he gave himself a talking to, to grow up, and came up with some plans such as moving jobs, going back to the GP.

So again, I thought great. Thought he was sort of apologising for being out of his head.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 09/08/2011 22:13

things back on with OW then ?

Original poster
ValentineBombshell · 09/08/2011 22:35

He then took all 3 kids out for the afternoon, we had tea together, it was all fine and he left.

Big sigh of relief that there was no drama (so was probably pleasanter than I should have been although he has mentioned the lack of response/chill from me)

Then I got a phone call from him and entered the realm of complete loon.
Apparently he's been thinking for a few weeks he's made a mistake and he's changed his mind
Loads about having hope and about dating each other/going out/having people over (as if that was all it needed to make everything right again) ...realising that he always loved me...didn't know what he had, just couldn't see it/blaming his 'breakdown'
He's told OW he wanted to be with me, she said go
She has had a 'bit of a breakdown' after her father's suicide and wants time on her own, yet she is still in lots of contact with him

Told him there was no chance, didn't trust him, no respect, he was using me as a crutch, it was all about him, but he didn't want to hear it.

Said to H go to the GP, get counselling, find a new job, and 'now you're not with OW you can in time form a healthy relationship'

To which he replied 'what do you mean not with?' !! 'Technically' he still is with OW, he supposes.

So I said so you're exploring your options? Toying with my feelings?

(was shaking my head at his lunacy rather than gutted btw!)

So was a blunt with him: there was no chance of us getting back together, I am happy and content without him, suggest he try and be the same.

SO he said: So there's no chance?

I said: No

So said goodbye and his last words were 'Maybe we'll talk more on Thursday'

Haven't dealt with this well have I? Just wanted it all out of the way and sorted, how can he possibly misinterpret or not hear what I am saying?

OP posts: