Please don't feel you have to reply to this but I need to write it down.

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

I can't be arsed to name change to my other name for this. I need to write this down to see if getting it out of my head helps me to make sense of it.

I have an ex husband. He was abusive, controlling, and all kinds of a bastard. If you search for my other name it's justforthisonepost and some of it is detailed there but it might have been in chat and it might have gone. I am out of the situation now, have a lovely DP and all is good.

Except that the ex is still controlling me through the kids and it is driving me slowly insane. For example, he sees the kids one night a week and every other weekend and takes them to school on the morning after he has them. This is going to sound really petty but it is really annoying - he keeps their clothes. If I send a coat or anything I don't get it back. DD2 goes to school on the morning in joggers and trainers with her uniform on the top, I never get the joggers and trainers back and end up having to text him to get them back. When I text him, he ignores the texts.

For example, I texted him and said "I need trainers for DD2. She has 3 pairs, all at your house please can I get a pair she can't get out to play tonight because it is wet out and I only have school shoes or sandals". That text was sent at 4pm. he doesn't reply. So I text again at 7, please can I have trainers. Still no reply. I ring at 9.30pm and say I need trainers for DD as she can't get out to play and he is totally passive aggressive nasty with me.

It's hard to describe, he doesn't shout or yell but it's all contained aggression and "I have not got time to be replying to texts that you send I'm busy".

Yesterday I texted him "When suits tomorrow to meet to swap xyz" (ie trainers and coats and other stuff. The reply I got was "I will be there at 3.15". This has really upset me and I can't explain why very well. It feels like he's ordering me and treating me like a second class citizen, that he is more important than me (which is how he treated me when we were together) and that I have to do what I'm told and be dictated to.

I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm not up for posting there. Please don't feel you have to respond I just need to get this out and see if I can work a way of making me not feel so crap.

Pelagia - the problem with returning them to my house and him picking them up from here is that he would be supposed ot be here at say 6pm, I would make plans to go out with DP or friends or whatever, he would not text or phone to say he was running late. It was usual for him to turn up after 8pm. By which time my evening was fucked. So that's why it's pick up/drop off at school. And the pick up from school/drop off to school is specifically to try to ameliorate the issues around clothes. I just can't get over the holidays/half terms.

x post - and as I said during holiday time you say "You have enough clothes at yours. Girls only bringing one bag with fresh pants and socks in"

It's not YOU making the girls suffer, it's HIM.

anniegetyourgun - that's not always possible. If OP's issues are anything like mine were, ex lost it to such an extent that she would send DSS back in 6 year old pants when he was 8. They cut his legs. Children don't like wearing filthy clothes any more than we do. We kept all the small clothes and a log of behaviour and got CAFCASS in.

How close are your homes? Can DDs pop round themselves for things they have forgotten? I know you want to protect them, but my DC spend a day a week with grandparents and if they leave things behind that they need, it would be normal and fine for them to go round and pick them up. What I am trying to say is that it wouldn't be unfair on the children it is a reasonable thing to expect them to do.

It's a 10 mile round trip, 5 miles each way. So dc's can't go themselves.

shirley I was not being facetious. Sorry to have offended. I meant it though, every time OP sends the children she loses 2 sets of clothes. So what do you literally mean by 'he has enough clothes'. The only way to stop losing the clothes is to send no more, you see. So it sounds as ridiculous as it is; they have to wear SOMETHING and he 'wins' again. Do you see my point? If he won't give an inch, OP has to - it's all very well saying 'disengage'. I hope this explains what I meant. I agree shirley, I do, with what you say, but when the ex is like this it's damn near impossible.

It feels like if I organise a way to do things, he finds a way to mess with my head and control me, I change the way we do things to stop it, he finds a different way to control me, I change, he finds a different way.

he's far far more intelligent than me and this is a battle I can't win.

but yes agree at holiday times they only need one set of clothes to go in, he has enough.

OP cant you speak to CAFCASS

I thought I had the clothes thing/being late thing sorted when I got him to agree to the pick up/drop off at school thing. Even though it lets him brag and be the big lad about him being so amazing as to organise to be working from home (which he does anyway) three days a fortnight to pick them up from school (DD1 gets the bus out but you know what I mean)

I thought that's great, whatever clothes I've lost to him I've lost but hey ho once we move to this it will stop coz they'll go to and fro in uniform.

Except that every 5 or 6 weeks it's half term. Nearly every week someone has a party and I want to wear my xxx jeans mum or I need my trainers and joggers i have training on Saturday morning or whatever.

I thought I'd been really clever and out thought him but I haven't.

It sounds horrific. You are not being unreasonable, but he has obviously got a very firm hold over your head - and your family.

Is there anyone at the school you could talk to? Can you explain that your ex-husband is being controlling and that it is affecting you and the children and work out a way for them to leave things in school or get things delivered to school? I certainly think you can ask on two letters and that when the children are going to your ex's the letter gets posted to you. Don't belittle this when/if you talk to the school - he is very clearly doing this to get at you.

I agree with all the other posters that you CAN get your children involved in the solution to an extent. You can't protect them from the fact that he is a controlling bastard, but you can EMPOWER them (which is really, really doing them a favour and will be good for them). Explain to them that they will not be taking things to and fro unless THEY are responsible for them - and if they leave them at his house they will have to stay there unless THEY ask for them back. If he challenges this - ignore him.

I'd just like to gently comment that you keep finding reasons why you can't solve this because of what HE does. You need to find a way of changing your mind-set so that you do what you do and ignore what he does. If you don't have a lunch box for the kids (because your KIDS have left them behind) then they need to take lunch in a carrier bag and you need to tell them that this is because they forgot to bring the box back - similarly with the clothes.

I do think you need to work out a strategy otherwise you will go mad. Having "Dad" clothes and "Mum" clothes and "Dad" toothbrush and "Mum" toothbrush seems an obvious solution, as long as the children understand it. If they've left something they wanted at his house, they need to complain to him or wait until next time to get it. You shouldn't get involved. You will need to spend time explaining the new system to them, but don't make it a flexible one (from your point of view) because otherwise he will manipulate it.

If he asks again about what you spend child benefit on, either tell him to fuck off (choice one) or (choice 2)tell him it's to replace all the things that accumulate at his house. Choice one is much better. I think that's the mind-set you need to cultivate and stop trying to please everyone.

It is NOT your responsibility to make his job as a father easier. I tried to protect my kids from finding out that their father (my ex) was (although kind, and not a controlling bastard like yours) a forgetful workaholic who didn't put them first. This was pointless and only caused me lots of grief. He was a forgetful workaholic - they needed to know the truth and the world was much less confusing when they realised it.

Good luck. Be strong. Get a strategy. Enlist some support from the school. Lean on your friends, that's what friends are there for and they won't mind.

Sorry onclefester, I think I read your post as being sarcastic.

I've re-read the OP and "DD2 goes to school on the morning in joggers and trainers with her uniform on the top, I never get the joggers and trainers back and end up having to text him to get them back. When I text him, he ignores the texts."

My argument is that this. Not only must the girls be grossly uncomfortable wearing two sets of clothes (Actually WTF?) but it is unnecessary. If he is collecting the girls from school, they go to school in their uniform. He has tons of clothes for them to change into. Why keep on providing more stuff.

I've already dealt with the holiday thing.

TBH, there is no other way around this IMO.

Sorry shirley - DD2 goes on a thursday in joggers coz it's pe day, I send the skirt in a bag with school shoes for him, I never get the joggers back. My bad syntax.

And yyy to verlaine re: lunchboxes and mind set.

"he's far far more intelligent than me and this is a battle I can't win."

THAT IS NOT TRUE!

The lunchbox thing - it's home economics at school she gets lines/detention if she doesn't have a box to take home the things she's made that day. I have in the past sent lunches in plastic bags and actually buy plastic spoons for that reason - I had no fecking teaspoons left because they all went up to his in the fecking lunchboxes.

They have two toothbrushes and stuff, but DD2 school trip buggered that one up.

I just don't want to make them suffer but I am going to have to insist that they bring everything back and then try and ration what goes back up to his. But when the kids want xyz at Daddys because it's jane's party or I want to go into town with Susan then I feel like a bitch if I don't let them have it.

Right so why isn't she just taking a PE bag then? Which she has to remember to bring back? The same way as she would have to remember it if she was at home with you?

You don't seem to want to listen to the things that people are saying here. There are ways to change this situation, and they might not be easy, but they will vastly improve your life, while helping your children to learn vital life skills.

Veraline - forgetful workaholic - exactly right. I don't know that it's always deliberate, but he sees work as far far more important than anything else, always has.

OP, I agree with the people who suggest you stop providing extra clothes, as they must have loads at their dad's place already. I also agree with the people who say your kids should take a bit of responsibility.

On the bright side, he won't be able to do this to you forever: the children are growing older and will be more and more capable of looking after their own stuff and even start making their own arrangements with him.

I'd encourage them to text & phone their dad asking for their things and reduce the amount of contact you have with him.

Oh x posted.

Sometimes, as parents our children will think we're horrible. That is part and parcel of being a good parent I'm afraid.

She takes a bag with her uniform for the next day. Takes the pe stuff off at his and leaves it at his. I don't get it back.

Yes, the two of them need to step up a bit but I cannot physically make him return the stuff if DD1 who is 9 has left it there. he just won't give it back. So then the next week she has no joggers to do pe in. And the next week. And the one after that. I've done it, I've tried to be tough and in the end I caved and bought the £4 joggers out of Tesco so she could do PE

The lunchbox thing - it's home economics at school she gets lines/detention if she doesn't have a box to take home the things she's made that day. I have in the past sent lunches in plastic bags and actually buy plastic spoons for that reason - I had no fecking teaspoons left because they all went up to his in the fecking lunchboxes.

Tell the school your situation re the lunchboxes. Give them a supply of boxes and TELL THEM to keep them safe. They too have a duty of care to your children under the Every Child Matters mandate and they can help a little.

I have a lot of sympathy for your situation but I also think your daughters need to take much more responsibility for their things. I expect my 10 year old to remember what she needs for school, e.g. the plastic boxes, and I think if your 12 year old had not noticed that there were 8 mouldy boxes in her bedroom, she needs to take the consequences at school for that herself!

How close do you live? Could the girls not walk to their Dad's to get things they want?

DD1 has been told that on pain of death she brings the home eccie stuff here because the skank from the lunchboxes was so foul it is not an experience I ever wish to repeat.

So far it's been two weeks and she's remembered it

We're 5 miles apart, so it's too far for them to go to just collect stuff by themselves.