Please don't feel you have to reply to this but I need to write it down.

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

I can't be arsed to name change to my other name for this. I need to write this down to see if getting it out of my head helps me to make sense of it.

I have an ex husband. He was abusive, controlling, and all kinds of a bastard. If you search for my other name it's justforthisonepost and some of it is detailed there but it might have been in chat and it might have gone. I am out of the situation now, have a lovely DP and all is good.

Except that the ex is still controlling me through the kids and it is driving me slowly insane. For example, he sees the kids one night a week and every other weekend and takes them to school on the morning after he has them. This is going to sound really petty but it is really annoying - he keeps their clothes. If I send a coat or anything I don't get it back. DD2 goes to school on the morning in joggers and trainers with her uniform on the top, I never get the joggers and trainers back and end up having to text him to get them back. When I text him, he ignores the texts.

For example, I texted him and said "I need trainers for DD2. She has 3 pairs, all at your house please can I get a pair she can't get out to play tonight because it is wet out and I only have school shoes or sandals". That text was sent at 4pm. he doesn't reply. So I text again at 7, please can I have trainers. Still no reply. I ring at 9.30pm and say I need trainers for DD as she can't get out to play and he is totally passive aggressive nasty with me.

It's hard to describe, he doesn't shout or yell but it's all contained aggression and "I have not got time to be replying to texts that you send I'm busy".

Yesterday I texted him "When suits tomorrow to meet to swap xyz" (ie trainers and coats and other stuff. The reply I got was "I will be there at 3.15". This has really upset me and I can't explain why very well. It feels like he's ordering me and treating me like a second class citizen, that he is more important than me (which is how he treated me when we were together) and that I have to do what I'm told and be dictated to.

I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm not up for posting there. Please don't feel you have to respond I just need to get this out and see if I can work a way of making me not feel so crap.

I'm going to ask this honestly and I know what you lot are going to say (and I know what DP says) but I'm not being controlling in asking for the stuff back am I? And he is in keeping it? Or is it like he says and he's so important and lord muck of shithole that looking after the kids stuff is so far beneath him? He has me half convinced I'm losing my mind.

snailoon, that messes children's heads up. They can't live like that - they start to feel guilty if things get lost at school, fed up that they can't choose what they wear to his house, and above all if OP does seek legal redress CAFCASS will take a dim view of arrangements like that. My DSS was forced to go that route and ended up a snivelling wreck...

Disengage Rosie. You know you're not being a control freak...but I think it's time to put your foot down with a firm hand. It stops today. I know it's galling but do you want to be fighting this fight on and on for the next couple of years?

Rima - This too shall pass. You're doing the right things and that is all that matters.

OP - no, you are not being controlling. this is stuff that the kids need.

you are absolutely NOT losing your mind. It would drive me absolulutely NUTS! i face a daily battle organising my clothes, the childrens and husbands. daily washes, ironing putting them away etc. its a constant headache because of the sheer volume. couple that with an extra house and shitty exh no wonder youre losing your mind!!! but you are in the right here. one has to be organised so the children have what they need, when they need it and you have to be able to put your hand on where it is! i dont know what to advise. he is a shit and always will be one. i do think you have to limit what goes in that house. your dc should have specific clothes they wear for his house, sounds undouable but not really - just not the clothes you expect to see again, the ones theyre outgrowing or the shabby ones that have been overwashed. what about his mother? your ex MIL - if she does his washing i bet she picks it off the floor for him, will she help you? do you talk to her still? she must know what a lazy git he is

Shirley - I wish I had the balls to lose my temper with him but he is so intelligent and can twist everything I know it would come back and bite me on the arse

I just can't face another ten years of this I really can't. And I feel like I go out and I buy nice clothes for them and then I never get the pleasure of seeing them wearing them and it's a waste of money - even if the stuff is only from Tescos/Asda/Primark, I still picked it with them, and I never get to see them in it. he sends them back in stuff that's stained or too small, especially the younger one. DD1 isn't so bad, but DD2 is too young to care yet.

I hope never to see his mother again. She does the washing for him (he brings it to her) and she cooks for him and sends food parcels so he doesn't have to cook.

OP although snails post does sound extreme you are going to have to do something along those lines. Only keep best clothes for when they are with you. he is acting this way because at the moment you are doing everything and providing everything and picking up when theings go wrong. that is what mums do i know but its not doing your health any good. there has to be a change somewhere an dif he isnt going to change a jot them its got to come from you. i know its hard. the kids will suffer somewhat thats for sure but its all his fault not yours. you cant be replacing stuff willy nilly wasting money because of this shit. i could wring his neck for you!

The thing is, some of it isn't big stuff to replace, like the boxes are only a couple of pounds each at the most, but at 8am of a morning, when you NEED the box to send DD1 out the door, and there's no box in the house... very stressy

from what youve said its the weekend stays that the problem. i bet they always turn up in their correct school uniform? hes doing this to get back at you aswell as being a selfish pig and totally disorganised. reduce what they have to use when theyre with him.

sorry about the ex MIL,

Weekend stays aren't too bad, they go in school uniform and he sends them out in school uniform but half terms/holidays are bad because they come and go in oridinary clothes, and if there's a party or event and they want a particular outfit to go to the party then I make sure they have it because they want it and I don't want them to suffer because of him and me splitting up.

The ex MIL hated me from the day and hour she set eyes on me. All her Christmasses came at once when me and he split. She'd been angling for it from the beginning.

Listen, Rosie. What can he twist? If you just disengage (I'm not talking about you sending him a bunch of abusive texts, truly I'm not) which means:

1 - Text once "I am doing XYZ"
2 - Resist the urge to follow up.
3 - DO XYZ

Forget about getting the stuff that you have sent round back. He is using it as a tool to make your life harder. If the kids are desperate for their "flower coat" or whatever, and it's round there then THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO. They will have to get it when they go back next time.

School stuff = the same. They need to take a bag with their things in to school and it's tough fucking shit if he doesn't like it. Practice saying this in the mirror "TOUGH SHIT TOUGH SHIT"

If he texts you saying "This is unacceptable" reply saying something like "I cannot provide any more clothes for the girls at your home" and that's it. No further discussion necessary. If he kicks off? Ignore it.

You left him, right?

His "rights" over YOU are over.

x posted. If he has a whole half term worth of clothes then why on earth are you sending even more round there?

send a text "Girls ready at 8am You have plenty of clothes and toiletries at yours so they're only bringing a bag with XYZ in"

Not unreasonable.

Does he pay child support?

ShirleyKnot - good points. i think he has to get to a point where he is in short supply of something. and then gets the energy to actually organise stuff in a wardrobe for them.

OP do your DC get involved with any of their clothes, for example do they put clothes away in draws when washed etc, fold socks etc - small chores

Well y'see Shirley, he's self-(un)employed. Professional man. Good Accountant. He pays, but very little. He does, however, firmly believe that I should provide all the childrens clothes, birthday presents and Christmas presents as I am in receipt of the child benefit.

He has in the past asked me to log all expenditure for a period of 3 months so that he could ascertain that I was indeed spending all of the child benefit on the children

The kids put their own clothes away, and they know when they're short of clothes here. The problem is extracting the clothes from his house.

BTW he designed a spreadsheet on which I was expected to record my expenditure so that the spreadsheet was designed to his specifications and so that he could monitor that my spending was acceptable.

Expenditure from the Child Benefit I mean.

I agree that he is a total shit.

Would it work better if they always left for school and returned to your home? That way the violin, the boxes, the best coat, [insert anything else he is trying to control you with], etc are always at your house.

During the holidays they go over in one set of not-special clothes, and if they want something special for a party, their dad needs to buy them something. He doesn't sound like he could handle other people seeing him as 'the dad with scruffy kids' so I'm sure he would end up finding their better clothes.

YOU are in charge. YOU can tell him how it is going to be.

shirleyknot - as far as I can work out this would mean them going to his house in their underwear/dressing gowns only at handover?

I sincerely hope you told him where he could put his spreadsheet.

ROFL re the spreadsheet. He is not only a total shit but a total loon. I hope you told him where to stick it!

I do know I need to toughen up. But the sticking point for me is not wanting the kids to suffer. Which is where he knows he has me by the short and curlies.

As I said, most weeks handovers are done in that he picks up/drops off to school so they go in school clothes, but after half terms or if there are parties then that's when the problems arise. And DD and her school trip and the suitcase nightmare of course.

No, you send them back in the too-small, stained clothes he sent them to yours in. Poor mites, but perhaps they'd be willing to play the game.

I am sure you will all be surprised to learn I did not fill in his silly spreadsheet.

Ah. Well fuck that on the child benefit bollocks. I presume you told him to go fuck himself?

Birthday presents and Christmas presents are signed "love mum" if you're the one buying them, yes?

Honestly, chick, you have to disengage from him, and as much as you want to protect the children, they need to start packing their bags and bringing them home - DYKWIM? You are physically unable to ensure that they bring home the things they go there wearing. They must do that from now on. It's not cruel, it's a valuable life lesson for them about being responsible for their own things.

Onclefester - don't be facetious.