Please don't feel you have to reply to this but I need to write it down.

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

I can't be arsed to name change to my other name for this. I need to write this down to see if getting it out of my head helps me to make sense of it.

I have an ex husband. He was abusive, controlling, and all kinds of a bastard. If you search for my other name it's justforthisonepost and some of it is detailed there but it might have been in chat and it might have gone. I am out of the situation now, have a lovely DP and all is good.

Except that the ex is still controlling me through the kids and it is driving me slowly insane. For example, he sees the kids one night a week and every other weekend and takes them to school on the morning after he has them. This is going to sound really petty but it is really annoying - he keeps their clothes. If I send a coat or anything I don't get it back. DD2 goes to school on the morning in joggers and trainers with her uniform on the top, I never get the joggers and trainers back and end up having to text him to get them back. When I text him, he ignores the texts.

For example, I texted him and said "I need trainers for DD2. She has 3 pairs, all at your house please can I get a pair she can't get out to play tonight because it is wet out and I only have school shoes or sandals". That text was sent at 4pm. he doesn't reply. So I text again at 7, please can I have trainers. Still no reply. I ring at 9.30pm and say I need trainers for DD as she can't get out to play and he is totally passive aggressive nasty with me.

It's hard to describe, he doesn't shout or yell but it's all contained aggression and "I have not got time to be replying to texts that you send I'm busy".

Yesterday I texted him "When suits tomorrow to meet to swap xyz" (ie trainers and coats and other stuff. The reply I got was "I will be there at 3.15". This has really upset me and I can't explain why very well. It feels like he's ordering me and treating me like a second class citizen, that he is more important than me (which is how he treated me when we were together) and that I have to do what I'm told and be dictated to.

I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm not up for posting there. Please don't feel you have to respond I just need to get this out and see if I can work a way of making me not feel so crap.

The school would keep the violin, and I could send it today certainly for DD2, but the violin that DD1 has was bought by ex's Aunt and came from Germany or somewhere and was almost £1000. (She's a music teacher, single and believes that DD1 has an exceptional talent and needed a superb violin. I disagree. But my views carry no weight)

DD2 went on a school trip. She left from my house. I packed her case with 4 sets of clothes, including a couple of new outfits bought for the trip.

She came home on a Friday which was his weekend.

I have not had any of the clothes or shampoo or toothbrush or indeed anything that was in the case returned.

He didn't even need to open the fucking case. He could've left it closed for the weekend and I could've got it on the Monday afternoon but oh no, all the stuff in the case is at his house, I'm short on clothes and socks and pants for her and he cannot be expected to trawl through the clothes at his house to sort out what should be returned to me.

If he ignores 2 texts then in your third text just tell him what you are doing, don't ask him anything.

"I need to sort things now. As I haven't heard from you I am going to

QLB - that's a good idea. I need to get tough. Instead of being here in tears. I'm pathetic.

I do think your daughter needs to start taking responsibility for her things. Could you provide a list when she is on things like a school trip, so she can locate and tick them off before she leaves.

I gave him a list when she didn't bring the suitcase back. Apparently he can't win because he was washing her clothes, did I not want him to wash her clothes and have her smelly?

He sounds awful.

I would start again with taking things in bags to school. It might humiliate him, but he needs to get over that. You aren't getting anywhere like this and you cannot carry on doing this forever. He might make a scene - but if it doesn't get a reaction or a result, he will have to give up. If he's making a scene, HE is the one that looks unhinged.

Can you afford to get DD1 another, more reasonably priced violin?

I would send the expensive one back to him, let the school look after the new one. Then you don't have to deal with it. If he wants her to play the expensive one, they can do it at his house.

I do think that you have to tell the children that if they leave their special clothes and shoes there, that they won't get them again until they go back. They need to be remembering them. Say that you can replace them, with the cheapest of the cheap. Or only send them in cheap ones.

You need to spread some of the responsibility out. I agree - someone said you were trying to be all things to all people. You cannot carry on like this.

DD1 has another violin which was ex's when he was a child. It is at his house and he refuses to let her use it. We have had this discussion repeatedly and I might as well bang my head against a wall. Auntie X bought the violin it's a better violin than his and he wants her to use the quality item. My heart is in my mouth in case it gets lost tbh.

He is using these things to control you, I meant to add. The violin, the clothes, dropping off and collecting things.

I would work hard to remove all the opportunities for him to control you - take clothes to school, get rid of the expensive violin. If he sends it back with her - post it to him, or leave it on his doorstep. Leave it on your doorstep and text him to tell him he seems to have forgotten it.

Even if it's not true - make it seem that you have taken control.

And if I buy a new one, when she goes to his with the new one, he will send her to school with the expensive one and I will never see the new one again. Back to square one.

But ifIf you sent them in uniform every time though regardless of holidays would that work? Or would you end up getting the girls back in clothes but being short on uniform? Given they have to wear it when leaving his house much of the time it might readjust the balance.

Perhaps he is planning to wash all the clothes and send them back ;-)
This has probably been posted a hundred times already, but it always makes me smile when I think of my ex -
'Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had
to kill today because they pissed me off'

You MUST remove the violin from the equation.

Can you rent a violin from school? Can you buy another? One that is ot related to him in any way? Get that sorted, then tell him you do not want possession of the ridiculously expensive instrument and he needs to keep it at his house. Tell him that if he sends it with her, you will send it back as you don't want it to get damaged. He can get her to play with it there if it is so important to him.

It's not about the violin, it's about how he can control you with it.

No, NO Fuckme - you buy another and instruct the school that they need to keep it there and look after it!

You need to agree to some rules, clothes and such have to come home with the children. If your 12 yr forgets a coat and can't play because of it then it's tough, perhaps she'll remember it next time. And the 9 yr old should be responsible too.

Try to not call your ex, this may return some of the power to you. Get on with it w/o his extra help (that's how he probably sees it) and give no reason to be in touch outside of handing over dcs.

Until he can be a grown up and not a bully, do not give him any opportunity to have anything...no picking up from school when the dcs bring something home, no new sets of clothes going to his house.

Violin - if it is lost, tough not your problem just means no more violin. If you don't think dd is the talent they do would you mind if she gave it up? if he doesn't return it then next time she will miss her lesson or borrow one from school. If you're paying for lessons and his actions mean she keeps missing them say if it happens 3 times the lessons stop.

It's totally reasonable that you're feeling stressed by this. I agree with everyone that you need to remove yourself from the responsibility of this as best you can.

The less adult part of me would be tempted to say first 'my friends and I have been having a good laugh about your large collection of children's clothes and they thought you might have a preferred brand, if I send them in Primark will you send them back?' or something like that. Not particularly witty but the idea that he's the object of amusement would probably really annoy him... Bad idea I know :)

this may be a rubbish suggestion but why doesnt he have his own set of tooth brushes/socks/underwear/clothes for them? they may not like wearing what he has but if your dc arent helping bring stuff back then this is what they will have to do. i cant see you exh changing, he sounds a right pig and i cant see him doing anything you ask. it is typical for men not to notice stuff, can imagine that coat being in the car. you must be fuming, rightly so. think of doing this drastic step. im afraid you have no choice in the long run until your dc start taking some responsibility too. give it a try and dont give him anything else clotheswise.

if you are friendly with the school staff ask the/ a school teacher or secretary to call exh directly return the violin so the child can take part in the lesson. give it a shot they can only say no

It fucking is his responsibility to keep tabs on his children's stuff. He's their parent.

Solicitor's letter, formally requesting return of children's effects to their legal residence? Reconsider the contact schedule so he doesn't get an opportunity to keep their clothes, other than sending them home naked? I don't mean punish him with spending less time with the DCs, I mean juggle things so he doesn't get to do pickup/drop from anywhere other than your house, and you don't let them go without the return of things previously left at his. That should concentrate his mind wonderfully. Agree re the violin, it's better if it stays with him, along with any other expensive thing he or his family bought.

The problem is that he can play games infinitely because he doesn't actually care who he upsets in the process as long as it upsets you. You can't play the same games, even if you were so pathetic as to want to, because of who else it will hurt. There's got to be something you can do to reduce this petty bullying.

I know you know all of this and it muct be very very difficult. But you are handing the power to him. He is a twat and you know that obviously, but he is loving this. Do not let him have the control as it is only affecting you. You cannot do things because he does not like it, tough shit. The girls will soon see how unreliable he is if you stop making allowances for him, but agree they are both old enough to take some responsibilty here. Stop ASKING him when is convenient. Tell him what will be happening. If you get no reply then DO NOT text again. You have to be strong here otherwise you will have this forever and that is no good for your girls either as the most important person in their life is being destroyed by a fuck wit. Everytime you send him another text he grows in strength - each time you do not send an extra messgae, YOU will grow in strength. It's not really protecting your girls either what you are doing because they still end up doing without or having to make do, so the ONLY person benefiting is him.

Be strong and tell yourself that you will look after yourself and girls first and you do that by texting once and if no reply, that's it. How ridiculous to leave the stuff on the doorstep, don't do it - send the girls in with what they need. If too late for that, drop it into school for them so they have it. the girls will soon make their own mind up about him if they haven't already.

Now, go and enjoy your day and give no more energy to the tosser.

PS you cannot be resaonable with an unresonable fuck wit, so stop trying

The biggest problems arise around half terms/holidays and it takes so long to get the stuff back or I don't get it back at all.

The violin is a big issue for me. I think it is totally ridiculous that a 12 year old who travels on a bus to school has an instrument worth that amount of money. There is absolutely no need for it. And my heart is in my mouth in case it gets left on the bus or nicked. I resent buying another when his old one is at his house and he could give her it and keep the good one til she is old enough. I don't know if she's particularly talented or not - I do know she's not that keen to practice.

But its only an example. With DD2 the issues have arisen due to the school trip/half term when she took the case of stuff to his after the trip and went to his in ordinary clothes and I don't know what to do to get around that.

But another example. Every Thursday DD1 has Home Economics. She has to take a plastic box and a tea towel to school. So, I duly sent her every Thursday with her box and her tea towel. Til one morning, there were no boxes. Eventually it dawned on me that all the boxes had gone to his house so I texted him.

First off, it is not his responsiblity to check that they are returning things to me it is up to me to communicate to the girls what they have to bring back and ensure that they do so. He has no need to be involved.

Second, he did go into DD1's bedroom at his house and get the boxes. And left me 8 plastic boxes, each with a mouldy rotten tea towel in them, in two plastic bags on my front step. They stank to high heaven, the tea towels I binned and I bleached the boxes and put them through the dishwasher.

But it feels like he is landing me with all of the responsibility and he won't take any does that makes sense?

Sorry that's long