Please don't feel you have to reply to this but I need to write it down.

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

I can't be arsed to name change to my other name for this. I need to write this down to see if getting it out of my head helps me to make sense of it.

I have an ex husband. He was abusive, controlling, and all kinds of a bastard. If you search for my other name it's justforthisonepost and some of it is detailed there but it might have been in chat and it might have gone. I am out of the situation now, have a lovely DP and all is good.

Except that the ex is still controlling me through the kids and it is driving me slowly insane. For example, he sees the kids one night a week and every other weekend and takes them to school on the morning after he has them. This is going to sound really petty but it is really annoying - he keeps their clothes. If I send a coat or anything I don't get it back. DD2 goes to school on the morning in joggers and trainers with her uniform on the top, I never get the joggers and trainers back and end up having to text him to get them back. When I text him, he ignores the texts.

For example, I texted him and said "I need trainers for DD2. She has 3 pairs, all at your house please can I get a pair she can't get out to play tonight because it is wet out and I only have school shoes or sandals". That text was sent at 4pm. he doesn't reply. So I text again at 7, please can I have trainers. Still no reply. I ring at 9.30pm and say I need trainers for DD as she can't get out to play and he is totally passive aggressive nasty with me.

It's hard to describe, he doesn't shout or yell but it's all contained aggression and "I have not got time to be replying to texts that you send I'm busy".

Yesterday I texted him "When suits tomorrow to meet to swap xyz" (ie trainers and coats and other stuff. The reply I got was "I will be there at 3.15". This has really upset me and I can't explain why very well. It feels like he's ordering me and treating me like a second class citizen, that he is more important than me (which is how he treated me when we were together) and that I have to do what I'm told and be dictated to.

I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm not up for posting there. Please don't feel you have to respond I just need to get this out and see if I can work a way of making me not feel so crap.

DONT WASTE ANY ENERGY THINKING ABOUT THE POSTS IN QUESTION, ENJOY YOUR EVE

Put them out of your mind

I think that it sounds as if you're in an impossible position with this man. What an absolute bastard!
BUT, you've taken some big steps in the last few days and actually gained a victory of sorts.
Keep it up!

Thanks guys but I just feel down and sad. What good is it going to do it's just going to continue for ever no matter what I do it's going to be a battle every day for the rest of time.

And unhelpful posts that are critical are allowed at me because I'm just a nobody a nothing and I got the MN self regulates line trotted out - no it doesn't not all the time, and sometimes MNHQ are all over particular threads and other times nasty vicious stuff (not just at me but I'm thinking of other threads) it's allowed to stand. Not a balanced moderation policy HQ IMO.

And I'm sure they'll delete this post.

I'm sorry you feel so sad. I should think you're exhausted! I think there's every chance it will get better and that you won't find it so exhausting once you get used to being assertive. I think, for someone like you who is so used to considering others all the time, being assertive IS really tiring (to some people it comes so naturally that they barely notice they're doing it!). I think it's a bit like motorway driving or something like that though: if you do it very rarely, it's tiring and stressful but the more you do it, the more used to it you get.

Are you seeing your DP tonight? You sound as though you need someone to comfort you.

Was supposed to be seeing DP but he had to work. Currently have a house full of pre-teens (my two and two extra).

Oh good lord! Enough to exhaust anyone. Can you find something pleasant to do while they are there?

I have to go and fetch my DP from the station now, so can't stay to chat sadly. I really do think you've made huge strides today and I hope you feel happier soon. Will be thinking of you. (Weird how an forum thread can make you feel as though you have a connection with someone - I do feel for you and am concerned for you :) )

Awh thanks. They've just made popcorn in the micro but managed to burn it. my house stinks.

Thanks for the support, I think it's just been One Of Those Days

It's not going to go on forever, fuckmepink, the children are getting older all the time and more capable. In a couple of years they'll be able to make their own arrangements with their dad and fight their own battles.

Rosie it won't be a battle every day forever - your DDs are growing up and you're showing them how to stand up to a bully. A valuable life lesson. You have changed already - can't you see how things have improved?

As others have gently said, the critical post did not seem to others to be a vicious attack. If you have experienced it that way then I can see why it makes you feel bad but please don't let yourself feel the victim - you have been roaring today and it takes a lot of energy - you need a nice calm evening with DP and forget about all this.

I still think phone is better than text but only if you're able to do it without that 'mind meltdown' your ex gives you - i know it well btw. This is what the right kind of therapy can give you. Better than books. If you have had it before, get some more and get it from someone else maybe. You need to find one who can really help you and its important to get the right fit.

Well done, take baby steps and pat yourself on the back, you are turning round a pattern that has persisted for years, of course you feel down and exhausted - its probably the come down.

Put the violin away for safe keeping, put the clothes in the wash, put your feet up, be in bed by 11 with your lovely DP.

hugs

newfashionedmum

sorry x-posts again - i do go on don't i!
if you have a houseful of tweenies then find yourself a romcom and some chocolate - that's what i'm off to do now - and get a good night's kip.
well done again!

Not read all 300 posts, but I think you should just leave it up to the girls. They are old enough.

It does seem like he hid one coat in the trunk. The girls might have to just wear old clothes on the day they are going to his house.

Do you feel like a mouse and he is the cat that is toying with you? I hate it when my (otherwise great) cats do that. Does seem like he is enjoying this.

Hansie - unfortunately for reasons detailed in the 300 or so posts, leaving it to the girls is not an option.

Mostly, the girls just wear school uniform, problems arise with half terms and DD2 school trip - again, detailed in the posts.

Not a mouse but he gets a kick out of it, yes.

Hi Rosie, only just found this and haven't read everything yet, but would it be possible, if the girls need something at 8 in the morning, to march over there together and ring his doorbell? Your girls probably wouldn't like it, but it would show him up as a very big knob. After a few times, he would probably get more embarrassed and might stop this behaviour? Also, is there a possibility to get some cooperation from XMIL, since she washes the clothes? E.g. XMIL, kids would like to wear xxx to yyy event, have you seen it?