Please don't feel you have to reply to this but I need to write it down.

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

I can't be arsed to name change to my other name for this. I need to write this down to see if getting it out of my head helps me to make sense of it.

I have an ex husband. He was abusive, controlling, and all kinds of a bastard. If you search for my other name it's justforthisonepost and some of it is detailed there but it might have been in chat and it might have gone. I am out of the situation now, have a lovely DP and all is good.

Except that the ex is still controlling me through the kids and it is driving me slowly insane. For example, he sees the kids one night a week and every other weekend and takes them to school on the morning after he has them. This is going to sound really petty but it is really annoying - he keeps their clothes. If I send a coat or anything I don't get it back. DD2 goes to school on the morning in joggers and trainers with her uniform on the top, I never get the joggers and trainers back and end up having to text him to get them back. When I text him, he ignores the texts.

For example, I texted him and said "I need trainers for DD2. She has 3 pairs, all at your house please can I get a pair she can't get out to play tonight because it is wet out and I only have school shoes or sandals". That text was sent at 4pm. he doesn't reply. So I text again at 7, please can I have trainers. Still no reply. I ring at 9.30pm and say I need trainers for DD as she can't get out to play and he is totally passive aggressive nasty with me.

It's hard to describe, he doesn't shout or yell but it's all contained aggression and "I have not got time to be replying to texts that you send I'm busy".

Yesterday I texted him "When suits tomorrow to meet to swap xyz" (ie trainers and coats and other stuff. The reply I got was "I will be there at 3.15". This has really upset me and I can't explain why very well. It feels like he's ordering me and treating me like a second class citizen, that he is more important than me (which is how he treated me when we were together) and that I have to do what I'm told and be dictated to.

I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm not up for posting there. Please don't feel you have to respond I just need to get this out and see if I can work a way of making me not feel so crap.

I don't know how to get away from him. I want to take the kids and run far far away and never ever have to see him again but I can't do that.

He says I'm a nutcase and a header and am being a control freak and unreasonable. And he is mr placid easygoing mr calm and reasonable.

I feel like I'm being pushed and pushed and pushed and I can't do this anymore.

i have no advice but i have bags of sympathy. i have the same with my ex. our DCs are 4 and 2, though, which in some ways makes it harder at the moment, and some ways easier.

he also never responds to texts, emails or even direct questions. he asks to 'veto' every decision on everything (eg can they get a haircut, they need new shoes - can i get their feet measured) and then doesn't respond to anything i ask! 'can i get a night garden cake topper for DD's 2nd birthday cake?' - no reply.

by not replying he is controlling me. and your ex is doing the same to you. i hate it. i hate him. it's not good and i don't know what to do about it.

sorry - not useful. but writing it down, just like you did really. sorry. rant...

WishIWas - sympathy for you too, it sucks doesn't it?

I feel like even though I left, I haven't got away from him, not really.

And that's another thing, I left the family home. All of DD1's clothes are in the loft at his in bags with age ranges on the side of the bags iyswim? So if he wanted clothes for DD2 all he has to do is go into the loft and bring down the appropriate bag. I pointed that out in a text last week, but it didn't get replied to either.

oh i xposted with you.

i totally feel your frustration and despair. i feel it too.

my ex and i have shared residence order - 6 nights a fortnight with him: 8 with me. and he lives 10 miles away from me and DS's school.

i am living a nightmare, beholden to someone i hate.

i am absolutely dreading getting to the stage where my kids have more complex 'needs' like yours. bad enough at the moment that forms that come home from school and go back to his never get signed and returned. but when there is kit to go back and fore to school... oh god.

i too just want to run away and never see him again. i feel totally oppressed by him. it's like he is in the way of every single thing i want to do. i can't make a single decision without his buy-in. which would be right and proper - if he fucking well gave it to me. but he doesn't. he witholds it. every single fucking time.

sorry - still ranting. but i do so understand what you are facing.

Thing is, I thought it's OK I'll buy an extra pair of trainers/set of whatever/one of those and then there'll be two and then that gives him time to return the whatever it is.

Nope, he just keeps the two things.

Beholden to someone I hate is a very good way of putting it.

yes, i too left the family home. and things that i know are in the loft (next size up sleeping bags/ next size up wraps for nappies) i can't get to.

even though it is still my home as he hasn't bought me out yet, i am not 'allowed' in there without him present and he won't let me look for anything in the house.

i know there are UV suits in the loft that DD could wear. i also know there is a wetsuit and beach shoes that would fit her. but he can't be arsed to look for them, so i have to go and buy new.

WishIwas, could you talk to the school and explain that you need two copies of letters to be sent out? Or have them email letters/forms out to you?

Sorry you're both in this situation with these unpleasant specimens.

Yip that's happened to me too. DP says I should let it go and it doesn't matter but he isn't living with me yet, and he has no kids, so he doesn't understand the difficulty it causes when you're standing at 8am ready to go to school and you need X and you need it now and you haven't got it because it's up the road at ex's house.

Even WRT DD2, the school trip and the suitcase, I bought the bloody case on wheels for her, and she took her electric toothbrush, the toothpaste she likes, her favourite towel, that sort of stuff. He now has it all and I had to replace the toothbrush and toothpaste.

I can't even get him charged with theft because theft is a crime where you have to have intent to permanently deprive and he says he doesn't have that intent it just sort of works out that way.

mr placid and laid back more like mr freakin LAZY! would it be insurmountable for him to have clothes in their bedrooms? assuming they have one? and a wardrobe. dont suppose he would wash their clothes and put them in there,
sounds rank what he did with those boxes. perhaps he isnt the cleanest of people.

are you under a court/ solictor agreement?

Schools should send letters to both parents separately. They should be clued up on this (there are all kinds of requests to do with divorced/separated parents - two letters is very mild).

Oh I soooo understand how you are feeling. I was in exactly the same situation with a controlling ex. My dd's did take a lot of responsibility for taking their own stuff between houses. I often felt that it was a bit of an unfair burden on them (and a sad consequence of us splitting up), but they learnt to minimise what they wanted to take between houses and they're now both very good at traveling light. Occasionally things did get out of balance between the 2 houses and needed sorted out, so you need to find a way to manage that that isn't going to leave you all stressed.

My ex had been very controlling, and during our marriage I'd found it very difficult to stand up to him. That was a hard pattern to break, and as maxybrown says, I gave control over to exh by giving him choices, waiting for him to answer calls / texts etc. I also let myself FEEL controlled by him, sometimes believing that he was behaving in a particular way deliberately to control me, when in fact I think he was sometimes genuinely busy or disorganised.

I did eventually feel less frightened of him and started telling him what I was going to do, rather than trying to secure his agreement. And yes it did mean that sometimes I left bags on his doorstep (and vice versa).

buzzsore - they put some of the letters on the websites, so i can access those. it's also things like party invitations that come home, that i know nothing about. fine if they are for ex's weekend, but not if they are for mine. and PTA letters and other flyers that come home etc. i did ask for duplicates, but then they would just put 2 in the bookbag, which is no good.

they don't seem to be able to keep back a copy of all the letters to hand me on the days that i collect DS. not sure whether it's just asking too much really? i mean - why should they, actually?

WishIwas - DD2's school are able to email me any forms/letters automatically now, so that I know what is coming up and am able to sign any that he gets and doesn't sign. He didn't even know DD2 was off on half term last week because he never reads the notes. He got a shock the week before when I said "We need to sort holiday arrangements for DD2" - he has half the holidays but it was my fault for not letting him know that she was off all week and how dare I suggest that he keep her half the holidays at such short notice.

Are you the resident parent, WishIWas, or do you have shared residence? This makes a difference as to what decisions need to be joint.

You do NOT need the co-parent's permission to do something like having their feet measured, as this is not a thing that can negatively impact on either him or them in any way. He can get their feet measured a second time in his own contact time if he has any problem with how you did it. He can't get their hair uncut if he hates it, so fair enough that he should have input there; you could, for example, text him, just once, to say "I am going to get DD's hair cut in two days' time, please respond by c-o-p tomorrow if you have any objections". Then if he doesn't reply you assume he is cool with it. A veto on what your 2-year-old has on their cake seems a mite, er, unnecessary shall we say. If he's paying towards the shoes that's a different matter as obviously you do need his co-operation. However I don't believe that being easy-going over the other matters will encourage him to be any more reasonable over paying for shoes. He's still on a power trip and if he wants to be awkward, he will. You'd be better off if he does huff out of their lives, frankly.

Oh and for whoever it was who commented on the boxes - no he isn't the cleanest of people, in fact he's manky and smelly and the house is filthy, the boxes were indeed RANK and his mother does the washing for him.

Oops, cross posted with your residence details.

Annie it's a very good idea to send the text with "if you don't respond by x time I will do y" I think I will start doing that with the ex. Then I can carry on and do whatever I want to do, without feeling like I'm waiting for him to approve or not.

Many years of deferring to him, living with this sort of control freak is very hard to get out of.

is he a good father, emotionally etc?

Wasp - tbh no he's not very engaged but he has this thing of being seen to be the good father. He never was that engaged or did anything with them, and according to the girls he just sits on the computer or is on the phone doing business all the time. He never takes them anywhere (like swimming or the park) and he dumps them on his mother at the weekends so he can play a sport.

annie - ah but you see. if i take DC to get their feet measured and they need new shoes and i buy them, then i get the 'glory' for having bought the shoes from the DC. and that is 'not allowed'.

he doesn't read my texts. he doesn't listen to voicemails. he doesn't answer the phone to me. and when i ask him questions face-to-face, he ignores me. it's like i haven't spoken.

great for my self-esteem as you can imagine.

my ex is also minging. i posted a thread about the state of his house. it is squalid. i took photos to show my solicitor - shit ON the toilet seat; cat sick in the beds; cat fur stuck to mouldy food on kitchen table / in highchair; black rings of mildew / mould on the sinks and in the bath. not bad enough for SS to be concerned. no hyperdermic needles

Hi Rosie.

I think you've had some really good advice on this thread, but I wanted to tell you about something that happened to me.

My ex is an arse as well. I was "scared" of him for years, he called all the shots, would ignore text messages, talk to me like a piece of shit etc etc.

I lost it completely about a fortnight ago. I really went to town. I told him exactly what I thought of him in no uncertain terms and he was...staggered. (this was all via text) I tell you something it was really freeing. To finally say "You are a control freak CUNT and you are not getting away with this sort of shit any longer" felt fantastic and broke that final little bit of hold he had over me. Since then (admittedly only a fortnight) I couldn't give one tiny shiny shit.

Disengage. Text him once. If he's not going to reply or take any notice of it - tough shit. Also, you need to say things in a "This is what is happening" way rather than in a negotiating fashion. Fuck him. The prick.

If he has a billion clothes of the girls' at his house then you don't need to send anymore round do you? The children need to start taking responsibility as well (as others have said) and if they leave stuff at their dad's? You need to cultivate the ...smile..."That's a shame"

Does your eldest have a mobile? Can she not text him going forward if for example she leaves her favourite coat there?

Forget the violin. If it gets lost, it gets lost. His fault for being such an arrogant arsehole.

It's hard to be brave, I understand this, but once you gt into the swing of it IT IS FANTASTIC! Honestly!

WishIwas - that's exactly what the ex said to me. Was I looking for glory in buying them nice clothes

Why don't you just tell the girls, who must be aware of the problem, that NOTHING goes to Dad's house. They can leave coats, plastic boxes, extra clothes at school. Then HE will have to find them some clean knickers etc out of the pile he has at home. The girls can absolutely take charge of this. They can even do laundry. They should have a few basics from a second hand shop-- trainers, coats, extra uniform, which live at his houseOver half term, just don't let them take clothes to his house unless they will do the laundry and pack it up.

I feel hot and cold just reading this thread! You poor thing. I really think you need some legal advice to deal with this.

ah my ex is the disney dad, though. big show of how super fantastic he is. buys loads of presents. feeds them immense amounts of crap and then never brushes their teeth. lets them have / do whatever they want.

he makes me feel rubbish because he has to be the biggest / loudest / showiest superdad there is. and when i am around him i feel like a lowlife.

but i know that is all in my head. i know the kids need boudaries and will respect me for consistency etc eventually. but it is so hard to see him acting the great big amazing daddy, when i just feel like i wish the ground would open up and swallow me.

to be honest, in my lowest moments, i honestly wish i could just disappear off the face of the earth. the thought of facing this for the next 16 years is too much. sometimes. in fact, quite often. i have been suicidal. i am getting help with counselling. help to rebuild my self esteem and to get my emotional response to the way his is into some kind of perspective.

but it really is very very bad...