Please don't feel you have to reply to this but I need to write it down.

[fuckmepinkandcallmerosie]

I can't be arsed to name change to my other name for this. I need to write this down to see if getting it out of my head helps me to make sense of it.

I have an ex husband. He was abusive, controlling, and all kinds of a bastard. If you search for my other name it's justforthisonepost and some of it is detailed there but it might have been in chat and it might have gone. I am out of the situation now, have a lovely DP and all is good.

Except that the ex is still controlling me through the kids and it is driving me slowly insane. For example, he sees the kids one night a week and every other weekend and takes them to school on the morning after he has them. This is going to sound really petty but it is really annoying - he keeps their clothes. If I send a coat or anything I don't get it back. DD2 goes to school on the morning in joggers and trainers with her uniform on the top, I never get the joggers and trainers back and end up having to text him to get them back. When I text him, he ignores the texts.

For example, I texted him and said "I need trainers for DD2. She has 3 pairs, all at your house please can I get a pair she can't get out to play tonight because it is wet out and I only have school shoes or sandals". That text was sent at 4pm. he doesn't reply. So I text again at 7, please can I have trainers. Still no reply. I ring at 9.30pm and say I need trainers for DD as she can't get out to play and he is totally passive aggressive nasty with me.

It's hard to describe, he doesn't shout or yell but it's all contained aggression and "I have not got time to be replying to texts that you send I'm busy".

Yesterday I texted him "When suits tomorrow to meet to swap xyz" (ie trainers and coats and other stuff. The reply I got was "I will be there at 3.15". This has really upset me and I can't explain why very well. It feels like he's ordering me and treating me like a second class citizen, that he is more important than me (which is how he treated me when we were together) and that I have to do what I'm told and be dictated to.

I know I'm being unreasonable but I'm not up for posting there. Please don't feel you have to respond I just need to get this out and see if I can work a way of making me not feel so crap.

and thanks shirley for forgiving my clumsily worded post.

Oops posted too soon - that is not true! He is nasty, thats the bottom line. No one intelligent would be so nasty - its pointless and no good for the children. Please don't mistake being cruel and devious for intelligence.

You can't control what he does with the clothes. Your DDs can try and remember to bring stuff back. At the end of the day its 'only' the same sort of responsibility as remembering to put dirty stuff in the wash. If they want something specific for a party or training or whatever, they need to put it in the right place for that to happen.

You can contact him to say 'DD1 has forgotten xyz, you need to leave it on my doorstep by x time on x day, otherwise she will miss out on xxx'.

I know I need to be stronger with him. I just go all shaky and I don't know, it's hard to explain.

Not posting and running but DP and me are going shopping so I will be back later.

Anyway, I can feel my posts getting strident, so I'm going to leave the thread now. You have my sympathies OP, it's shit when the co-parent is an arse.

I just go all shaky and I don't know, it's hard to explain.

I do sympathise, honestly. But remember - he CAN'T control you. You left him, thats the ultimate in taking control and in his tiny mind he will never 'live that down'. He is trying to fight a battle that you have already won. Remember, he is a twat and you are brilliant.

Pelagia - what you said
He sounds like a man who spends all his time plotting ways to wind you up OP, and a sad little man at that. Remember CAFCASS are always there.

I'm afraid the lines/detention thing will have to become your daughter's problem. That's not unreasonable if you think about it. It might help her remember to bring things back from her dad's. If she does get in trouble, help her to see that it is because her DAD didn't remember to send things back home. ( I also think this is a good reason for telling the school what is going on, then they might give a bit of leeway for this kind of thing).

I understand that you want to protect them and not let them suffer for his idiocy/bastard ways but you CAN'T because he is very obviously using you to get to them. What you are doing when trying to protect them is shielding him from their righteous indignation! As they get older, they will definitely start telling him (if you stop shielding him). Give them the confidence to tell him what they need by setting the example of doing it yourself. I'm sure this is easier said than done, especially after years of being worn down by him, but you will be doing them a huge favour by demonstrating that you are not a doormat. They will only "suffer" in the short term, because they are old enough to take responsibility for their own things.

If they don't have what they need or want, you can be sympathetic, but you just have to say "that's a shame, do you want to call Dad to ask him to bring them round or will you get them when you see him next?" and then leave them to make the arrangements. Explain that they are old enough to be reponsible now to sort these things out. That way, when he lets them down, HE has let them down, not you. That gives them a much more truthful and less confusing picture of the world.

It sounds to me as though you might benefit from some counselling to help you tackle the power he still has over you. If I were in your shoes, I'd have been round to his house and put him straight, but I understand that after years of an abusive and controlling relationship you probably won't be able to do this.
I also think you should talk to friends in RL about this. I think you'll find that they will be willing to help if you will let them.

I second Pelagia's advice:

"You can contact him to say 'DD1 has forgotten xyz, you need to leave it on my doorstep by x time on x day, otherwise she will miss out on xxx'."

You can extend this philosophy to everything I think. It puts the onus on him for ensuring the children don't miss out. You need to make sure the children realise this too - that they realise that you have done your bit, by telling him what has been left behind. If the problem isn't solved it is because he has been lazy/forgetful/selfish (and also because they have been forgetful!). Don't engage with him any more than this. Ignore all contact about it. Take the power back. You've said what you've said - now it's up to him to deal with it or disappoint his children.

If the children don't have what they want for a party, that's their fault and his - not yours. Stop trying to solve problems that are not of your making!

Verlaine's advice really sensible fuckme - I recognise what you're doing, trying to do all the parenting but he is using it to keep you attached to him and to maintain control. He therefore cares about himself more than their needs. This is sad for them but its NOT YOUR JOB to fill the gaps, you are making yourself crazy and its not helping them. I wonder if you are a bit too ready to sort things out for them, maybe because you're just a 'helping' kind of person or maybe as a way of making up for splitting up with your ex. When in fact that one thing is probably one of the healthiest things you've done for them - and for you!!!

I hope it doesn't sound like criticism but I am similar- I love to help people, its ingrained in me, not becuase I'm good, just because it feels right to me. BUT one way to really help your children is to become an enabler and empower them, rather than do things for them. Others have advised getting the school on side, i agree, if you can be specific about a few practical things they can do to help you including not giving DD a bollocking for not having her lunchbox. This can be in the interim while your kids learn to be more self reliant. They need to if their dad is this controlling, I think it the best way you can show love for them.

Also stop sending multiple texts, or even any texts. I suggest you take the bull by the horns and start phoning instead of texting - text is perfect for passive aggressives! What good is a written record it doesn't seem to be helping any! You could always make a note of what you've agreed while you're speaking to him.

I think maybe some counselling could help you, someone to give you some tools and techniques for dealing with his behaviour and becoming more assertive with him. What's happening at the moment is you are getting sucked in to his games - even when you come up with a 'solution' to his behaviour, it is you who are changing what you do and doing all the thinking about it - so still taking all the responsibility.

You are both their co-parents, he is not your deputy parent and if he can't manage to send them back to you / to school properly dressed that is his failing, it is not your job to pick up the pieces, and if you keep doing so you are teaching everyone that 'mum will sort it out'. I think they are old enough to learn that Dad isn't very organised (they don't need to know he does it on purpose - yet - though one day as adults maybe it will help them to know this) and that they can take responsibility if he can't. It is sad, yes, but it is what it is and you can't change who their dad is.

Sorry if someone has already said most of this, didn't have time to read whole thread. I hope you get some resolution to this before it affects your relationship with your lovely new DP.

x-post with verlaine, still agree with everything she says

I agree with newfashionedmum - stop texting, be brave and either phone or speak face-to-face. Texting just gives him the power to ignore as and when he wants and puts you on the back foot, forever waiting for him to respond.

i do think those people who have suggested you may get some help to deal with this are on the right track.

i am seeing a counsellor to try to work on my 'ishoos'. particularly around the child residence situation (which is killing me) and dealing with ex.

you may find someone can help you understand why he makes you feel like this and manages to help you break the pattern-matching that goes on in your brain every time you engage with him which makes you turn into jelly.

i have the same thing with my ex. he is verbally aggressive, and i go to jelly. i feel stupid and like a pathetic lump when he talks to me. yet i know i am not stupid. for fuck's sake i have a first class degree from cambridge - not that that means anything. but i know i'm not thick. however, as soon as he starts on me, i feel like a useless lump of shit.

You can never win an argument with someone who is totally closed to your point of view. What these bullies have going for them is a superior air which comes from knowing they're right - even when they aren't. That's why you have to just tell 'em how it's going to be, and when they pipe up about how unreasonable you are, well tough. You have decided to be unreasonable. What a pity. (Not that you have been unreasonable in the slightest, I hope, but you don't have to defend it to them.)

Well it works with XH, but then he's a sort of "narc light" and has a horror of scenes.

Is there a magical age when children realise there father/mother is a shit? No. It's heartbreaking at any age. You can't protect them from this at the expense of your mental health, they need one sane parent. And that means being straight with them.

All you can do is hug them harder and say "yes, it's sad dad's like this, but I adore you to the moon and back etc".

If you decide to go down therapy/counselling route but money is an issue ask for a referral from GP - accentuate the need to maintain a co-parenting relationship with ex and the kids so its a whole family issue and see if there's a fast track (waiting lists can be long!)

I know I need to be tough with them. And actually when I've been out with DP today I had a lightbulb moment where I realised it says it all that DD wasn't able to go to sleep last night and was bouncing around until after 11pm because DP was coming home (he's not her dad iyswim?)

Annie - you are so right about him knowing he's right he puts forward this air of superior uphimselfness that is impossible to puncture.

New rules in the fuckme house from this weekend

I'm not suggesting "using" the kids as such, but would he respond to them texting/asking him to return some of their clothes.. so if one of them needs their joggers could they text him "dad I need my joggers and I left them there, can you bring them please?".. or would he ignore them too?

He ignores them too. And as far as the "theft" thing is concerned, his opinion is that the clothes belong to the kids and since they have a home in both houses they are entitled to have any of their clothes in either place regardless of who buys them.

WRT the joggers, for example, DD2 has 3 pairs of school joggers, he had all of them, he knew she couldn't do PE without them and he let her go 4 weeks with no PE til I went and bought a new pair.

Strangely the following week all the joggers reappeared. I do wonder if it is related to his mother doing his washing though?

And me and DP were going shopping today but because ex wants to pick stuff up at 3.15 and it is chucking it down periodically with heavy showers, we had to be back here - and I guarantee he won't be here til at least half past.

Rantymcrantypants that's me

GRRRRR getting cross now. He was to be here at 3.15. No sign of him. Have just phoned and he hasn't answered. Pratt.

it's fab you have a solid DP who supports you and whom your kids love!

See that's why I want to do the communicating by text too. So I can actually communicate with him and get my point across on some level. He won't answer the phone when he sees it's me. He just won't and then if we do have a conversation he twists it and what he thinks we agreed to isn't what I think we agreed to.

I am in tears. Lovely day with DP ruined by him.

How about going out? He keeps you waiting because he knows you will wait. No doubt if you go out regardless you'll be flooded with emails and texts and whatnot accusing you of being A Bad Mother. But you aren't. You are A Bad Ex, hooray! And next time he won't keep you waiting if he actually wants the stuff. See how these childish games go? (I used to be a child, can you tell? I have passive aggression down to a fine art, I just don't choose to implement it very often.)

I have just got through to him on the phone and faced a barrage of abuse. He basically forgot to come here to pick the stuff up and is caught out but oh fuck will he ever say I'm sorry I was in the wrong. Apparently it's all me and I should be prepared to run the stuff up to him. And I am a control freak for waiting I should have left the stuff and he would have lifted it whenever since DD1 has a key he would have used her key and they could have got what they needed and how dare I phone him and he has better things to do and if I insist he will get in the car right now and come and get the stuff.

Rope. End. Of. At. I. Am.