Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OK...this is a biggie for us/me.....

95 replies

reelingintheyears · 09/06/2011 00:36

I am adopted....
It is no big deal for me and every knows i am adopted.

My DSs GF wants to know about my parentage....ie..DSs birth GPs.

It's not something i have ever given any time to.

Do i have to tell her/them the circumstances of my birth?

And if so/why.

However, MY (adoptive) Mum is still alive and well and i will never hurt her by allowing them/her to investigate this during her lifetime.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/06/2011 00:44

Your son's girlfriend wants to know about your birth parents? Or your adoptive parents?

If birth parents, are they ttc and she's wondering about genetics? Can't think of any other reason she'd want to know.

Original poster
reelingintheyears · 09/06/2011 00:48

She wants to know about my birth parents.....

I know nothing about my birth parents....

I don't want to get into it.

My Mum is my Mum....that's all.

OP posts:
malibustac · 09/06/2011 00:50

Why does she want to know?

BoiledFrog · 09/06/2011 00:51

Tell her that it is none of her business, if you aren't interested, why on earth would you tolerate her being so nosy, tell her politely to do one.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/06/2011 00:54

I don't think the circumstances of your birth are her business, unless she has a strong reason for asking. What has she said?

Original poster
reelingintheyears · 09/06/2011 00:58

She thinks DS should 'Know' who his 'real' GPs are........

I think it's my business.

Not hers.

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/06/2011 01:02

Of course it's not hers! His "real" GPs are the lovely people who raised you and loved you, and who presumably love your DS too. What does your DS think?

Original poster
reelingintheyears · 09/06/2011 01:09

Oh DS loves his Grandma.....

And She loves him.

But should i stop him finding out about my birth family because i don't want him to?

OP posts:
TeachMySelfBalance · 09/06/2011 01:13

No you do not have to tell her or anyone the circumstances of your birth.

Even if she were to conceive a child with your son, it would still be your private information and entirely up to you whether or not you wanted to share it.

So, she is informing your son on what he should 'know'...what does your son say? Has he asked?
This would perk up my radar for controlling or manipulative behavior on her part. If she makes the issue into a deal breaker for the relationship with your son, I'd say hold the door open for her and good riddance.

TeachMySelfBalance · 09/06/2011 01:15

xpost-Yes, it is entirely in your control. You could put the information in your will.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/06/2011 01:19

Agree with TeachMySelfBalance, that information is private stuff about you, and no-one else has a "right" to know. Also think the Will idea - or a letter to be read after you're gone - is a good idea, if your DS himself expresses any curiosity.

Original poster
reelingintheyears · 09/06/2011 01:22

I can't tell him to get rid......

But she wants to know about my parents....

DP says they/my DC have the right to know about my parentage..
I disagree.

Is it my business or is it theirs aswell..?

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 09/06/2011 01:25

I don't believe he has any rights that supercede yours. If you don't want to know, then that's up to you. And it's ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with his GF - she's being unnecessarily nosey.

Agree with the Will or posthumous letter for your DS, if you feel that you want to - but as to the rest, she can stick it.

While she may be asking for genetic tendencies purposes, should she choose to procreate with your DS, it's not necessarily that relevant - any recessive traits that come out on the male side should have shown up in your DS, with the exception of Huntington's chorea but that can be tested for if she's that paranoid.

Lots of people have DC without knowing their birth parents' medical history - including you - there is no enormous need to know your birth grandparents history.

I hope your DS sees the light soon...

thumbwitch · 09/06/2011 01:25

Your DP can shove it too.

thumbwitch · 09/06/2011 01:27

If it's any consolation - a friend of mine wanted to know why her mum wasn't in contact with her mum's dad. Her mum said he was a horrible man and she had cut contact years before. But my friend, a stroppy teenager, pushed and pushed to regain contact - and discovered that her grandfather was indeed a horrible man that she came to regret finding.

It's not all hearts and flowers where birth parents are concerned - and (unless you already know who they are) there are no guarantees that you would even find a birth father.

Original poster
reelingintheyears · 09/06/2011 01:38

thumbwitch.....thanks.....

DP is not to be blamed in this however...

He loves my Mum nearly as much as i do....

But he does think that DC have a right to know about their heritage/background.

Eg their GPs

OP posts:
differentnameforthis · 09/06/2011 03:21

How do your dc feel about this? One is obviously old enough to have a gf, so what does he think?

No one has the right to pressure you into finding out/revealing information that you don't want to. Least of all a girl who isn't even related to you!

malibustac · 09/06/2011 03:29

Unless you want to find them its nothing to do with anyone. Does your dh know why you don't want to look for them? Also I didn't think granchildren could search for biological GP's unless the parent had passed away. I would tell them no due to not wanting to hurt your mother.

CheerfulYank · 09/06/2011 03:45

I can see if she wants to know from a "medical history" standpoint (if she and your DS are going to have children.) But at the end of the day it's your business and if you say no she needs to respect that.

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 09/06/2011 04:09

I'd be looking for a bit more "status" than "girlfriend" before I released any information at all, and still maintain that OP's right to privacy is waaaaay more important than some random girlfriend's wishes.

Is there a "mixed race" issue here? Are there problems with rape/slavery?

PenguinArmy · 09/06/2011 04:27

It all just sounds nuts and there doesn't seem to be a lot of respecting you going on here.

Buda · 09/06/2011 06:28

I don't think they have any rights to know your birth parents if you don't want them to.

DH is adopted and has no interest in finding out about his birth parents and although I would love to know about them, I have to respect HIS decision. DS is 9 and has always known that DH is adopted and he is curious about it all but I wouldn't say he has any right to know either. And if in the future he has any girlfriend who wants to know he will be told that they both need to respect DH's decision. It is HIS life and HIS history.

saffy85 · 09/06/2011 07:21

Your background, your business imo. Presumably you and your DCs learnt about your family heritage already, albeit your adopted one. If that's been good enough for you so far why should you dig into your biological family just to satisfy the curiousity of someone who may or may not be part of your family in the future and risk upsetting those most important to you like your mother?

Tell your DS's GF to do one. I can't believe she had the nerve to ask for such sensitive information.

ScaredOfCows · 09/06/2011 07:41

Many people who aren't adopted don't know about their heritage/background. My mother cut contact with all of her family and all of my Dad's family when I was very small, therefore I know next to nothing about any of them. My husband's family are not close, and although he had a relationship with his paternal grandparents, he knows very little about his mum's side of the family. The result is that our 20 year old and 17 year old children know very little of their heritage, just a little about my parents (what my mother chooses to divulge) and a little about their Dad's paternal family.

I think your children, and most especially your children's partners, should respect your wishes, and be content to know that they are part of a loving and close family.

ensure · 09/06/2011 07:42

It is insensitive and rude to be pestering you about this! Your DS's girlfriend should have more sense even if it is your DS who is pushing for the information via her.

It isn't anybody's business but your own.

Hmm, unless your son and GF are planning a baby and she knows she has a high risk of carrying a certain gene perhaps? But if that was the case, they should've explained that to you and discussed things. You still wouldn't be obliged to try to contact the birth family.