OK...this is a biggie for us/me.....

[reelingintheyears]

I am adopted....
It is no big deal for me and every knows i am adopted.

My DSs GF wants to know about my parentage....ie..DSs birth GPs.

It's not something i have ever given any time to.

Do i have to tell her/them the circumstances of my birth?

And if so/why.

However, MY (adoptive) Mum is still alive and well and i will never hurt her by allowing them/her to investigate this during her lifetime.

Very interesting topic (not really thought about this side of it before) .....my son is adopted and we are lucky enough to know a bit about his birth family but I agree with many of the comments that you have received ... its your business not hers.

If you dont want them found / want to know any information then they dont need to either.

SCGB My cousin is adopted, and also has no interest in finding her birth family. She says that's the hardest thing to convey- a lack of interest- as opposed to some deep and traumatic desire not to ever see or hear anything about them. She actually knows a bit about her mum and could easily trace her (she lives locally and it was a private adoption), but just isn't interested in doing so. She is constantly badgered by amateur psychs telling her she must be "in denial" etc etc. V Annoying for her.

Anybody telling you what you ought to think or feel is very annoying.

Oh tell me about it. There are some fucking people who manage to find out that I am both adopted and happily single, insist on linking the two and boring the arse off me about how there must be something wrong with me...

sorry. have only skim-read so apols if i've missed anything/repeated things that have been said;

but i would talk to her. all you have to say is "X, my parents ARE my parents. I do not have any desire to contact or find anything out about my birth parents. I would appreciate it if you would let this go now as it is starting to upset me"

whenever she brings it up then just say "x, we spoke about this. please stop"

DS1's dad was adopted as a baby. He's never had any interest in his birth parents whatsoever; it would never have occurred to me to ask him anything about it really. In fact, the only time it ever came up was when he made jokes about his parents never having had sex at all and when he did the family history thing in antenatal care (and it certainly wasn't a problem).

I find it very odd that someone would ask their boyfriend's mother about something so sensitive.

I so nearly thought you were talking about me OP, until you said DP instead of DH and your DS's age which is not quite right in our situation...

I have also never asked, or even met DPs mother. I have asked him about his mums birth parents out of curiosity and have simply said that, as my family are so open about everything, I find it odd that he knows absolutely nothing about it. He says he doesn't want to ask cos his mum never wants to talk about it. Fair enough, I also said that I found it odd that she didn't because, again it's the opposite to me who wants to know everything. Though I agree I have never been adopted so have no idea how I would feel about it.

I am defending myself to you OP even though I don't THINK you are my DP's mother... I think... It is not something I think HAS to be talked about. I am also not worried about genes (surely people don't actually look at this stuff) but as DP and I talk, we talk about family history and he once claimed proudly that there was no cancer in his family so less risk for any kids (though actually there is quite a bit in mine). I simply pointed out that he had no idea what his mother's side was like health wise. FORGIVE ME OP!! (who I don't think is actually talking about me)

Meltedchocolate, it's not wrong to be interested and curious as long as you take a hint and shut the fuck up when someone makes it clear that they do not want to discuss the subject with you and don't agree with you.

My Mum was adopted and I am doing my family tree at the moment. I asked my Mum before I started and if she had said she did not want to know I would of backed off without question. I do feel at some level I have the right to know where my ancestors are from etc. However my mums right to not know overides this.
Birth certificates are Public record and avalible to anyone who wants to order one. As someone said before all you need is a name DOB and area (if its a common name). Its just worth thinking about the fact that your son could find out alot without any input from you, how would you feel if he knew things about your past that you did not know?
Its been an exciting time for Mum and I, but also very painfull at times and I have checked with her over and over if it is ok for me to continue.
fwiw your sons girlfriend just soungs nosey not like shes about to investigate to me.

Yes SCGB, like I say, I have only talked to him about it, and though I think he has a right to know (he doesn't seem too bothered) I would encourage him not to do anything about it knowing that it would upset his mother. I also would not question her on it as DP says she does not talk about it. Still, I feel the need to apologise to OP.

Reeling - I don't think that your ds's wishes should in anyway override your's. Why not just ask his (obnoxious) gf the open question 'why are you so keen to know who ds's gp's are?' According to her answer, you can then tell her, that it's

a - none of her business
b - would be too upsetting for your dm if either she, ds, you or anyone else were to go ferretting around
c - she should keep her nose out
d - and finally, ask her how she would feel if you called up an investigation firm to root around in her past - including credit card/store card repayment history, complete credit/banking history and her complete sexual history (including the results of any sti tests she may have had, and why).
e - you could also tell her that you'll do (d) if she doesn't wind her neck in.

hth

tb

Not read through whole thread but will do I promise-just tied up with house full of kids......
I am adopted and really want to talk to you about this. I have known forever that I was adopted but it was hidden in secrecy and never discussed!!!!

However it is entirely your choice about whether or not you trace your birth mum/dad and legally you are the only one allowed information on your birth parents.
I traced my birth mother when I was 19 and am now 45.......love her to pieces but she is not my mum. My mum is the person who cuddled me to sleep, who fed and clothed me and was there for me throughout my childhood and adult life.
Do not feel pushed to trace your birth mum by anyone- only you know if it something you need to do. I needed to to feel "complete" but it is a very complex and emotional thing to do. If you have no need to do this then don't.......it is nothing to do with anyone else....
Will post again later.....

I would suggest the following:
Tell your son and his girlfriend that you'd like to speak to them. Choose a time and space where you feel calm. Prepare yourself beforehand. Tell them firmly how you feel about the girlfriend's questions- that you feel uncomfortable and that you think that she's being intrusive and whatever else you feel.
You need to put down firm boundaries about this. They are young and may not know what impact these questions are having on you, so tell them! Assertively, not aggressively. say that your mum is your mum and that you have no interest in finding your birth parents. And that you'd rather not answer any more questions about the matter just now.
Be prepared for your son to start asking questions- he may have a right to open discussions with you- she does not.
Hope this helps.Remeber you have choices in all of this.And you may choose not to satisfy her curiosity and that's OK

My ex's grandad was adopted - it actually came up quite a bit in general conversation with my ex because of a coincidence between my ex's profession and his surname (people were always saying 'oh, you became a ... because your family history is ..., to which he would always say 'no, actually my grandad was adopted'), but certainly my ex-DPiL never cared two hoots about it one way or the other.

TBH your DS's GF sounds awful, pushy and overbearing. I'm no shrinking violet but it would never occur to me in a million years to ask someone such private questions. Once I had a BF who didn't know his father. He had an address and was hesitating whether he should contact him, but I would never press one way or the other. Never mind if it were his mum. You are a very sweet and considerate person, even considering that woman's curiosity.

Me again as promised! Just wanted to add that you should not feel obliged to do any digging around into your past because of other people. I have a happy story to tell but my adopted brother was not as lucky as me and when he traced his birth mother she rejected him. He felt totally abandoned for the second time! This has caused him no end of heartaches and emotional problems. However both my brother and I chose for ourselves to find our birth parents. My story was a happy one and his was not but it was our choice!! Only do this if you want to - that reason alone x

When gf is dw then think about it if you are comfortable. Otherwise it's no. End of. You may want to have so e sort of narrative for the dc

Op i think you need to shut these conversations down when she starts up , its none of her business and its totally inapropriate .

meltedchocolate...

You don't have to apologise to me.
SGB is quite right that's it's ok to be interested and curious but to take a hint and STFU when it's made obvious that someone doesn't want to discuss it.

For the record,the interest does seem to have waned.

But so many people do get almost excited over adoptions,which is odd when you're not really interested yourself.

And the 'you're' in denial...is just.....Fuck off.