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Original poster

OK...this is a biggie for us/me.....

95 replies

reelingintheyears · 09/06/2011 00:36

I am adopted....
It is no big deal for me and every knows i am adopted.

My DSs GF wants to know about my parentage....ie..DSs birth GPs.

It's not something i have ever given any time to.

Do i have to tell her/them the circumstances of my birth?

And if so/why.

However, MY (adoptive) Mum is still alive and well and i will never hurt her by allowing them/her to investigate this during her lifetime.

OP posts:
Bucharest · 09/06/2011 07:46

Goodness me, she sounds awful!

My Dad was adopted, and though my grandparents knew all the details (it was done way back way in one of those weird unofficial ways that they used at the time) and told him if he was interested they would give him the details, he said he had 2 parents, the ones who had loved him and brought him up.

I sometimes have a mild (very) curiosity as to maybe what these biological grandparents may have looked like, or where they ended up, but beyond that, nada. My grandparents were the ones who brought my Dad up, not the people who provided the sperm and uterus.

Show your son and his girlfriend this thread!

piratecat · 09/06/2011 07:53

in what context did she ask, it's all very well saying she's nosey or pushy but did she just say, 'and what about your mum's parents, where are they from, etc...'

op?

brass · 09/06/2011 08:33

I understand your need for privacy in this matter. I really do. The GF has no right to be badgering you on this front. At all. She sounds young and foolish and without any sense of consequences which comes with youthful inexperience.

But I think you are incredibly naive to think that your own DC have no right to know what their history is.

Everyone has a right to know where they came from. It's part of the human condition and surely the basis of those issues which affect adopted people. Otherwise you would never ever hear of people trying to find one another and make sense of their place in the world.

Now is not the time as you are being forced into a corner. Maybe you are protecting your son from something painful which you feel might change his outlook on the world?

But perhaps in the future you may be able to share the information you do have with your son. When you are both ready.

buzzsore · 09/06/2011 09:01

You don't have to tell what you know or find out things you don't want to know to satisfy this woman's curiosity. Just say no.

If it was coming from your son, then maybe I'd think about it in your situation, but I think I'd still be within my rights to say no then - or to say, not until my Mum passes or, not until after I'm dead.

Your adoption and circumstances around it are about you, so you get to choose whether to find out more or not.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 09:02

"Everyone has a right to know where they came from."

Who says so, and how far back does this presumed right reach? The son already knows where he came from as he knows both his birth parents. That's luckier than a lot of people. Whether he has a right to know where his parents came from, well, who decides on these right things anyway? It may seem like clear justice to you, but the right to privacy seems like clear justice to the OP. And, actually, to me.

GF is probably a very sweet, very earnest soul who just has a strong feeling about what she perceives is right. (We've all been young, haven't we?) One can perhaps honour her sentiments, but that doesn't mean she is in fact correct. She would do well to honour her prospective MIL's strong feelings about her own life.

BecauseImWorthIt · 09/06/2011 09:06

I'm sorry to disagree, because I can absolutely understand why you might be upset about this, but I do think your DC have a right to know about their own family.

That said, your DS's GF has no rights here, and if she's pushing you/him, then that is not on.

valiumbandwitch · 09/06/2011 09:09

Wow. That sounds extraordinarilly cheeky of your son's other grandparents!! and VERY disrespectful to your Mum too. She is your son's real grandparent.

gorionine · 09/06/2011 09:13

"But I think you are incredibly naive to think that your own DC have no right to know what their history is."

But her DC knows he is the son of OP and that she was adopted herself. I totally agree with Anniegetyourgun Thu 09-Jun-11 09:02:16 "Who says so, and how far back does this presumed right reach?"

valiumbandwitch · 09/06/2011 09:16

Sorry, your son's girlfriend. I think that's rude, and far, far too nosy. She's trying to dress up her nosiness and give it a respectable footing, like medical history. I mean, nobody really knows for certain what recessive genes they might carry.

For example, has she had herself tested for the cf gene?

Somebody mentioned the word 'controlling'. I think yes. Trying to co-erce boyfriend's parents into doing something that is such a person choice.......

vintageteacups · 09/06/2011 09:16

I can see how he might feel as though he would to know them but it's weird if it's just his GDF asking about it if he's not that bothered.

If you have never found them and you want to, then I don't think your mother will be upset, if it's something you need to do.

valiumbandwitch · 09/06/2011 09:18

Anniegetyourgun+1

TheOriginalFAB · 09/06/2011 09:21

Your son does know who his REAL grand parents are and you are not stopping HIM knowing about his blood relations as it is HER wanting to know.

If he wants to know when he is older that is up to him but his girlfriend? Hmm FFS.

thumbwitch · 09/06/2011 09:22

valiumbandwitch - have you misread something here? It's the DS's girlfriend, not grandfather, who is suggesting the OP's DS should know.
No mention has been made of "other grandparents" Confused

thumbwitch · 09/06/2011 09:23

Dammit, must remember to refresh before posting! Blush

Hullygully · 09/06/2011 09:24

what brass and BIWI said

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 09:28

Damn these acronyms, I too read it as grandfather initially but realised in context it must be girlfriend. Have seen similar confusion over whether GP means grandparent or general practitioner!

ScaredOfCows · 09/06/2011 09:32

I suppose with all the stuff on the TV about tracing ancestors - 'Who do you think you are' type programmes, and adverts for tracing sites - people do become curious when previously they wouldn't have given it much thought.

In what context is the girlfriend asking, and how much pressure is she putting on?

FreudianSlipper · 09/06/2011 09:38

teh only person that has this right is you and that is the right to decide if you want to contact or find out about your biological parents. it opens a big can of worms for some they need to and for others they do not but it is only for them to decide no one else. have they thought of the effect on your mother too, she may support you but it will still have an emotional impact on her

do not let them bully you into doing something you do not want to. and as for your ds gf wtf has it got to do with her i am shocked that she even feels she has the right to interfere

mummytime · 09/06/2011 09:43

Even if you wanted to look into it......You might not be able to find out anything.

So maybe you need to explain this to your DS. Is he really prepared to seriously hurt people he loves (you and your Mum) when there may be a highly likelihood that he will find nothing? I have a friend whose father was a baby found on a doorstep - there is no way they will ever get further back than that. There are lots of other cases where something similar will block all routes back.

Also ask him why is this so important to her? (The only reasons I can think are religious, eg. Mormon or Jewish.)

brass · 09/06/2011 09:46

Calm down Annie. I didn't say it was clear justice. You seem to be getting het up with your own issues about justice whatever that may be.

What I said was it is natural for people to want to know who they are and where they came from. And I wouldn't be concerned with going 5 generations back but immediate grandparents may be very relevant and important to a person's sense of self and belonging. Sorry but it's just to trite to say you know your mum and dad and that's enough. That's more than some other people get etc.

If her son asks the question (let's forget the GF) then OP needs to find a way to deal with it. How old is he? Might they be TTC? I don't think saying it's none of your business and shutting him out is the answer. Not in a loving close family anyway. And not if she doesn't want to affect her relationship with him.

brass · 09/06/2011 10:07

tootrite

The GF has compounded the whole thing really.

I just think it's odd that you would think your DC have no right to know or ask. About the people that changed the whole course of their mum's life. That's what I think is naive. How you deal with it is of course entirely up to you.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/06/2011 10:22

No, brass, you said "everyone has a right to know", and I responded to those words. I completely agree that it is natural for people to want to know (not that it's unnatural of the OP not to want to know, I hasten to add - in the context of her life it makes sense). I also accept that you did not use the word "justice", and I did agree with the rest of your post.

wannaBe · 09/06/2011 10:51

I wonder whether it is really the girlfriend pushing for this information here or whether actually the op's ds wants to know and has discussed it with his gf, but that perhaps he doesn't feel he can vocalise his wish to know, and so the gf is sort of doing it for him? iyswim.

I do think that the children have a right to know about their biological family. And while perhaps op may have the right to say she won't want to share this information with them, I think that they have a right to go and find this information for themselves should they so wish.

Because let's be honest - it's not just about finding your grandparents is it, it's about a whole family you are biologically a part of, aunts and uncles and cousins and people who probably had no hand in the fact that the op was adopted iyswim.

My dad's dad buggered off when he was fourteen, and afaik he has several other children somewhere who in turn might have children and so on. I would be lying if I said that i don't want to know who they are/where they are etc. It's human nature.

Original poster
reelingintheyears · 09/06/2011 11:43

Thanks for the replies....

DS is 21 and his GF the same age.They've been together for three years.

I honestly don't want to go digging up the past and had/have a great relationship with my Mum.My Dad is dead.

There are no issues regarding rape as far as i know.

She hasn't actually asked me outright but she has said things like...'aren't you interested in finding your parents'?

And 'Dont you wonder what they're like and who you and DC look like'.

And 'How do you go about contacting your 'real' parents'.

I told her i pick up the phone and ring my Mum when i want to talk to my 'real' parents.

Other people can't 'find' my birth parents without my consent can they?

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 09/06/2011 11:55

Oh Reeling, you have my deep sympathy, because I know very much how you feel. I'm another one who was adopted at birth and has never traced any bio-family. However my DS is only 6 and though he knows, sort of, it's not a big deal to him (yet, gulp).
Has your DS ever talked to you about it (never mind what his GF says) and indicated that he wants to know about his bio-grandparents? If he's not bothered either then perhaps he should tell his GF to get her beak out of what is not her business. If your DS does want to know, I can see it's trickier, but bear in mind that your feelings are no less important than anyone else's.
Unfortunately, I have nasty feeling that it would not be impossible for your DS to trace his bio-grandparents; I don't know how old you are or the date of your adoption but I think some of this information is probably findable online now. Still, if he did trace them, there is no way you can be forced to have any contact with them against your wishes.
I have met people like this wretched GF before, full of nosy intrusive questions and very directive about what I 'should' do: luckily they have rarely got beyond the casual acquaintance stage as I tolerate it up to a point then I get very rude if the pushing doesn't stop, but I can see it's a lot harder with your potential DIL.

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