OK...this is a biggie for us/me.....

[reelingintheyears]

I am adopted....
It is no big deal for me and every knows i am adopted.

My DSs GF wants to know about my parentage....ie..DSs birth GPs.

It's not something i have ever given any time to.

Do i have to tell her/them the circumstances of my birth?

And if so/why.

However, MY (adoptive) Mum is still alive and well and i will never hurt her by allowing them/her to investigate this during her lifetime.

reeling, can you go onto some of the adoption websites and ask the people on there? They might know the answer.
try www.adoptionsearchreunion.org.uk/default.htm
or www.adoptiontracker.com

Or you could try putting it in Adoption here, rather than Relationships - people who have adopted their children might know more about it.

You're probably not going to get the right people coming through this thread to help you with real knowledge, sorry.

Have you tried to explain exactly how you feel about it to the gf? If she's oblivious and hasn't picked up on your reluctance (either a bit thick or has a script in her head of how adopted people should feel) then maybe you should spell out to her that's it's not something you're interested in, next time she brings it up.

Just a thought, have you explained this situation to your (adoptive) Mum? Her opinion may sway you as she has clearly considered that the time may come? I'm only saying that because your loyalty to her is so apparent in your views and she may be able to help you with the minefield.

She may also have an understanding of who can trace your birth parents, because surely she would have understood all this when she adopted you?

I'm not saying that you should ask her to help trace them, just explain your worries about DS's nosy parker girlfriend.

People who are pushy often won't stop, though. The little twat might change direction and start saying you need counselling or to face the feelings or some other bullshit (I have been thourhg this with people before, it's maddening: as i say I rely on obnoxiousness once they push too far).

I agree with buzzore if she's been around for 3 years you should be able to say to her directly (and kindly if you can) that it isn't a priority and that it's a bit insensitive to keep going on about it. You might have to spell out the wider implications for the other people involved whom you love dearly.

She may not realise how it's been making you feel and be mortified. Then you both know where you stand.

If someone knows your birth name and date they can theoretically find any birth relative, they don't need your "permission". However, if they don't know it and you either don't know or won't tell, then they're not going to get anywhere I shouldn't think.
You can obtain a copy of your original birth certificate whether you know your name or not, but as far as I know they would have to commit fraud to get it, unless they know your birth name. I don't know if social services would be any help to a grandchild trying to trace birth family, they aren't much help to adoptees as a rule!

Try After Adoption for some help with this. The helpline is great. They should be able to advise whether or not your son could trace and help you both come to terms with the consequences of whatever he decides. They won't try and push you into tracing your birth family so don't be worried about that (though they are a great support if you do want to do that at any time).
Maybe stay off the forums though, they are more for "curious" adoptees.

It sounds to me like some fears have been stirred up by your son's girlfriend asking questions, which is absolutely fair enough.
You could get some support from AA to work through what it is that upsets you so much about it and your son could get some insight into why this line of questioning is unwelcome - the girlfriend sounds tactless at best.

I do understand you don't want to upset your mum, but on the other hand you don't "owe" her anything above ordinary gratitude to a loving mum. If you were curious about your genetic origins it wouldn't say ANYTHING about your love for your family or how well your mum and dad brought you up. I think a lot of adoptees have absorbed the message that any interest in their birth relatives is somehow disloyal/ungrateful, which is total rubbish. Your son might be geniunely curious, and that wouldn't reflect on how he feels about his granny (your mum) at all - or his gf might just be a nosy cow!

I think you should talk to your son about it, just the two of you, and be honest with him about how you feel and why you don't want him to go digging around in the past.

Good luck, it would be a real shame if it drove a wedge between you and your son. As an adoptee myself I know there is sometimes pressure to keep it all a secret and not to acknowledge it ever happened. (I am in contact with my birth family, my adoptive family have met them too, and I still wonder exactly how I will explain to my DC who all these people are and why they got three sets of grandparents...)

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread, but just thought I'd put forward my perspective. I'm in the same position as your DS - my dad is adopted.

Personally, I've kind of wondered about his parents, but purely from the perspective of his interest in them and how he would feel about meeting any family that may still be alive.

I have NEVER presumed that he should investigate his birth parents because I have a right to know. That's nonsense. Same goes for you - your biological parents, your decision on whether to investigate.

tbh I wouldn't imagine it would be beyond the relms of possibility that your ds could trace your birth parents if he wanted to do that. an sorry to be blunt but if he wants to then that is his right - they're his biological family too.

in fact my dad was able to trace his dad's adoption records (the bastard dad of his was adopted too) on the internet by using his name/date of birth.

Just wanted to clarify, I think your lack of interest in tracing your birth family is a totally valid viewpoint - it's your life and people should respect that, but I have found that "normal" people view adoptees as some sort of other species sometimes! Take care x

My DH is adopted and doesn't want to trace his birth parents and I respect that, so why someone as far removed as your son's girlfriend feels she has a right to know I've no idea.

Bottom line is that your right not to want to find your birth parents supersedes the right of your son to know his "birth" grandparents.

The gf has zero rights, other than the right to remain silent, and it might be suggested that she should exercise it on matters that are absolutely none of her business.

I think you need to sit down with your son, explain that you don't want your birth parents in your life, and that if he wants to trace his GP's then that opens a can of worms for you.

God, she sounds ghastly, I don't know how you've put up with her for three years. She seems very thick-skinned so it might just be best to say a very firm no and leave her in no doubt that you are not interested in finding your biological parents and that your non-bio parents are your son's "real" grandparents.

"Bottom line is that your right not to want to find your birth parents supersedes the right of your son to know his "birth" grandparents." no, it doesn't. The op might wish to not trace her birth family, and she may be able to convey that to her ds, however, he is an adult and has as much right to know about his biological family as the op does. They are no less his family than they are the op's - if the op was estranged from her family would people still say the other members of the family had no right to contact with them? I don't think so. The op's ds is an adult and as such he has the right to make contact with whoever he chooses.

reeling, I think you need to put your foot down. Really.

TELL this 21yo GF that she has no right to question you, and that you will have no more discussion about it.

It is the son's right if he wants to, but it's also the OP's right not to have to know if she doesn't want to.

It is phenomenally easy to find out. I (as I said upthread, with mild curiosity, and because I was doing the family tree) started the ball rolling but then thought what the fuck am I doing? I know who my grandparents were, they were the people whose house I went to every day after school till I was 17, not some bloke who got some woman pregnant 65 years ago and then did one.

I don't buy into this biological stuff. Random chemicals doing random things. It's the people who love you who count, not the chemical reaction.

(if I had have gone through with it, I would have asked my Dad if he wanted to know, but I think he would have said no, like he did all those years ago when my grandparents asked him)

Thanks SGB.
I think i remember you ages ago on an adoption question.

DS has never had the slightest interest in my origins and i don't really think he has now.

It's certainly true that lots of people seem to think they can tell you (as an adopted person) what you should do in regards to tracing bio family.
Lots of people have in the past had what almost seems like a morbid fascination with adoption.

I was lucky enough to have a great life with my family and wouldn't change them for the world.
Unlike DP whose natural family are wankers.
He always says he got the short straw when families were being allocated.

I know that the day my Mum came and got me was the luckiest day of my life.......and i was six weeks old.

I think the others are right though and that people are easily traced now whether i want it or not.

Agree with herhissyness. The idea that some 21 year old chum of your son's is making you feel you have to give this thought,,,, I'm cross on your behalf.

This was my sister's experience-hth.
My sister was adopted.

The biological family tried to get in touch with her. She declined with the sentiment that the ones that raised her are her family.
The attempt came shortly after our dad died, mother had died years ago.

Ten/twelve years later (this past year), sister paid into one of the firms to research her past and found out the information in a report they provided. Interesting-her mother didn't want to give her up, but sister was a love child and her mother gave her up to save the marriage. So knowing that she was wanted by her mom was a good feeling. The report did not have a DNA screen attached to it of course, but mentioned by heresay from interviews -credibility could be questioned-things like hair/eye color, height/weight, alcoholism, anger issues, love of outdoors and 'quiet/silent type' of both biological parents.

My sister is happy with this information, but still has no wish to meet them. She had a gut feeling that it might just be a big can of worms.

I am still of the mind that it is ReelingInTheYears's choice and her decision should be respected. (edit what the girlfriend should be told if mentioned again...)

Quite a few of my family are adopted, some 'open', so I have a vague idea what it's like. These people are beingcrassly insensitive in what is obviously a potentially delicate area. Do what you feel is right for you. Your mum would be delighted to know how you feel about her, the 'luckiest day of your life'. It has to be something very important to risk upsetting that.

Just caught up on rest of thread. I totally disagree with those who think that the DS's right to know is somehow more important than the OP's decision to stay in the dark about it.

TheBride has hit the nail on the head - if the OP doesn't want to know, then her right to refuse to investigate takes precedence over her DS's right to know. It's her parents, and if she has no interest, then her DS just has to live with that.

In the normal scheme of things the son will outlive his mother, so if he becomes curious by the time (many decades hence, one trusts) his mum shuffles off this mortal coil he will have years left in which to investigate his biological origins. Note the OP says the son is not the one pushing this or apparently in any way interested, but people change, so by then he might want to. Right now he isn't interested, it's his gf who is not a blood relation and is therefore not personally affected. She can't suddenly find out they're half-siblings since he wasn't the one who was adopted - they would be first cousins at the very closest, which is legal. So basically it is a non-issue at this moment in time.

As an adoptee - although my own DS is small - I understand your reticence. I have to admit to not reading the full thread.

I have no intention of finding/searching for my bio mum. I know enough and don't want to know more.
You could explain the circumstances, but you should only give what information you are happy to give. Leave out details. But, ONLY if you want to.

It's funny how wierd some non-adopted people are about adoption. I mean, to me the fact that I was adopted as a baby is just one of those things, just part of my life, like having brown hair and liking tea without milk and being a bit crap at sport. I don't think about it that often, and I don't bring it up in conversation unless it's unavoidable (being asked about family medical history or somesuch). And most people don't seem to make a big deal of it when it does come up, but every now and then there will be one buckethead, usually the sort of person who has read a bit of bad pop-psychology and is too immature or thick or insensitive to know when to shut up and keep his/her beak out...