OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

Saffy, think your retort was just fine. Early days.

Thanks all. Wisey, you're absolutely right that our exs enabled us to bring up our wonderful kids, and that the baggage and guilt is theirs, not ours. I've just felt really angry with myself over the past week, on behalf of the kids. As some wise poster said, it's like the lioness protecting her young, and I took a lot of shit from Lycra man, but it was when the kids the were so fed up and hurt by him that I just threw him out - "you can throw shit at me, and I'll take it, but you don't hurt the kids" type of thing. My over-riding feeling has been "I wish I'd never met him, married him". Which is wrong, because there were some good times, somewhere - I'm just unable to find them! And of course we made our great kids - and that's the thing I can't get over - he left them. I can understand him wanting to leave me (I think) but not them. And I don't think I can get over that, but for the kids to have a decent future if they can with him, I need to. But I can't.

So I need to focus on the end result - I did throw him out, and it was the right thing, and we are happier. Although YS is affected more than the others. Still, he'll be ok.

Seeing SHL next week to thrash out what I want re: settlement - that will be good, give me something practical to focus on. X

Wisey, you are such a cool chick. I check out for a few days, and I too was howling over "big swinging dick" - yours of course!

Keep that hilarious image in your mind, and the one of being calm cool and collected in mediation; don't allow "THAT VOICE" to encourage you to second guess yourself!! These two strong images are even giving ME strength! Knowing that he's whining and squirming definitely puts you in the power position. Definitely go back on the mortgage holiday! I'm sure he can arrange to borrow the money. BTW, how are you dealing with your sol costs - do you just have the bills sent to him? That's what I was thinking of doing.

And Saffy, I'm with you, at the same stage. I'm so angry with him (I need to find a good nickname - I'm working on it) for just deciding to leave rather than try to work things out. This is his second failed marriage, and I feel so stupid for falling in love with him. But he is in many respects a great man and I can see why I did... I too have three fab girls, and so I'm trying to keep a lid on outward anger, and trying hard not to affect their relationship with him - the little of it he is trying to have.... Twelve years of marriage, last two rocky, and one year of limbo since he told me he didn't love me anymore. Now that he's said it's definitely over, and I've told him he needs to file, not me, I'm feeling like I can move on. But still, my draft emails and canceled texts are full of vile anger, as are some of the texts and emails which did get sent....I'm not perfect. But can I just say that right now, I hate the uncertainty of my position, just sitting here waiting for my sol to tell me papers have been served. gggrrrrr, which is why I love this thread!

Hey Kaelle! Never been called a cool chick before, thank you.

Just read back on the swinging dick posts - what a way to start a weekend

How am I dealing with the divorce costs? Well the court has ordered PTM to pay my costs, plus he is having to pay all the mediation fees.

All the rest I am borrowing from my DF.

Me too on the draft emails - I sometimes wonder how my hard drive doesn't just blow up, it's practically a home-made weapon of mass destruction

DD is going away for a week football summer school next weekend, paid for by PTM for her 16th. Originally he was taking her and bringing her back (it's about a 400 mile round trip each time).

She's asked me to bring her back so she can avoid spending time with him afterwards and any 'schemes' he might have in mind. This is a first for Wisey. I've long held an irrational fear of driving beyond my comfort zone, which is quite limited .

But I bought a sat nav, and I've told her I will drive up to get her (having balked at the astronomical train fares!). I can do this, and more, it is another communication to PTM that Wisey has moved on and doesn't need him and nor does DD (never did, did I Annie, another long-held habit broken).

its good to confront irrational fears! Its good to get rid of bad habits!

Is there somewhere lovely you can stop for lunch/shopping or somesuch?? Make a thing of it?

Yeah, go you!

Long distance driving is a ruddy pain, but you will feel so much better after doing it just because you've proved you can. As DD gets nearer to independence it's kind of nice to give these practical demonstrations of devotion, too, I think - making the most of them still needing you, sort of thing - while at the same time giving her a good example of "women can do this". She will not grow up believing that long journeys can only realistically be undertaken by daddies in big cars. And you'll get 400 miles-worth of quality time with your precious girl. Stop often at service centres for a coffee and a stroll round the bookshops and it won't seem like such a chore. (Disclaimer: DS3 only needed fetching from 250 miles away. But I'm older, less fit and less brave than you, I don't have a satnav, and I always get lost.)

Oh wait - 400 mile round trip = only 200 miles away, ie my journey was bigger. In that case you can definitely do it. (Mine was bigger than it had to be as well, by about 25 miles, because of the getting lost.)

I know what you mean about the train fares but if they are the reason you are going to challenge yourself it will be a first time I can see a positive side to their high price.

I think it is brilliant that you taking yourself outside of your comfort zone; challenging yourself like this. Buying a sat nav is a great part of the solution and I love Migrating's idea of making the journey into something special, by stopping off somewhere along the way. Make sure you can hook your iPod up in the car, put it on shuffle and vroom.

Before you know it you'll be on road trips every weekend to places you never got around to going to before because you were too busy making PTM's life comfortable (do you know, I've never been to Stonehenge).

Wisey with the top down, head scarf on, Ray-Bans in place, cruising. OK, OK, it has to stop raining for the top down bit but absolutely nothing is stopping you from doing the rest ...

Oh by the way Wisey, if you want to break our engagement, I'll understand. I proposed to you on a wave of admiration, but since reading BeforeAndAfter's thread it is clear that you two are meant to be together. My heart may take a slight battering but in all fairness I can't stand in the way.

Annie, it's not you, it's me. I love you but I'm not in love with you and I'll always be here for you, you know that.

B&A, I hope my bragging about the size of my dick hasn't blinded you to my other charms

Oh my day is just getting better and better.

CSA have written to me with their (backdated) decision.

PTM will have to pay me DOUBLE what he thought he could get away with in maintenance for DD.

I imagine the same decision letter has plopped onto the doormat at disgracelands this morning. I imagine too, that PTM has spent the morning pulling his hair out whilst OW looks on helplessly. Poor love.

I just love this thread!

And there you were thinking he was being generous ^^

Ah well, never mind, I'm sure OW's hard-nosed rich daddy will be only to happy to help out his DD's new paramour - you know, the feckless fuckwit from 20 years ago, who's just left his family to move in with daddy's little girl and her DC's.

Wisey Ive just caught up with your thread and I'm so so pleased at how things are going for you ............... and the other ladies too.

While i am reading through the thread from time to time, it takes me back 20 years ago when I was going through the same .... but with four children and no back up like MN.

However, that does not take away from all the things that you have all managed to overcome on this journey.

Onward and Upward everyone .......... hope you all enjoy the rest of your weekend .......... and the ratbag OH's are going under.

BTW ........... my name for my XH was 'fuckface' and my friends name for her XH was 'cuntymcfuck'. Suited them perfectly at the time.

Right, need lots of good wishes tonight, it's my gig. First time for 4 years. Over 100 people (alright, not the 02, but you gotta start somewhere).

Fuck fuck fuck. Will be fine.
xxx

dontcha just love the CSA

mine was called 'arsehole'

good luck (what gig? did i miss a post somewhere?)

You'll be great Wisey - we'll all be there in spirit, rooting you on!

Gutted about Amy Winehouse - what a waste.

Off to work, will post in the morning, to see how the gig went.

Hope the gig goes well! Yay. What did you wear?

Good one re the driving. I have re-started driving this year after 15 years of not driving at all, have had refresher lessons and just about to have a few motorway ones as am still scared of motorways and our local one is the M25, argh!

Gig was good!

Apart from the mic kept cutting out.

And there wasn't enough light so I had to hold the lead into the mic and a lantern in the other hand (open air gig) until someone brought a light out.

And a moth kept flying around my face because of the light.

But everyone was proper drunk so they thought it was bloody marvellous!
I wore halter neck long blue slinky number.

Supervisee of PTM's was there. She's lovely actually, but I hadn't expected to see her there, and we said hi and then sort of avoided each other. Kind of took the edge off the evening a bit, but I guess I've been fairly well protected from this sort of thing up til now. But it didn't stop me singing, and that's showbiz!

Dozer if you wouldn't mind standing on the M25 north on the 5th and then point me in the direction of the M1 I'd be ever so grateful.

So glad to hear the gig went well. Great stuff Wisey

When's the next one?