OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

Well done on the job!

I know it's not about money, but won't you having a better job effect the divorce settlement?

Tut, tut, tut. I leave this thread for five minutes and now Wisey has a bigger dick than PTM, and she's going to swipe him around the head with it.

Of course Wisey has a bigger dick than PTM, my neuteured tom cat has a bigger dick than PTM.....

You need some of that Maybelline 24 hour-get drenched-in-Niagra-falls-won't run mascara stuff Wisey - because you're worth it!

Off to bed - long day. Behave whilst I'm away (or the new sister in charge will be around with her drugs trolley).
X

Sister Saff, if I bring a bowl of boiling water and a lance, will you boil PTM's prick prick PTM's boil for me?

Oh fuck bit of a blip (it's normal, i'ts normal, it's normal).

YOu know how your mind plays tricks and your thinking goes into overdrive.

Kept thinking about what friend said "you came across very positively, very impressive". Lovely to hear.
Annie as always on the mark, yet one thing - 'he'd be massively relieved he hasn't fucked up your life too'.

Put those two things together. I've come up with this: PTM is relieved, is feeling off the hook, did say something to that effect which friend didn't want to tell me so reframed it.

Result. Horrible dream. Sadness. Am desperate to ask friend to tell me what PTM said yet scared to hear anthing like "I'm so glad she's fine, I'd been really worried about her, it was lovely to see the Wisey I knew she was etc".

AAAAaaarrrrrrggghhhh!!!!!!

Wisey, you are doing something that my counsellor and I discussed, you are writing and rewriting the story in your mind, creating different scenarios which are causing you a great deal of stress, you are torturing yourself. The truth is that you will never know what he is thinking or believing so it's far better to concentrate on your own feelings, from your own perspective. Never mind him, how he feels and what he thinks is his business.

Keep smiling love, you are doing great and although I don't post very often I do log on every day to see how you are doing. This thread oozes strength and humour and is a pleasure to read

Yes hon, he may be relieved, but not necessarily because he gives a shit about how you feel. It's all about making himself feel better, about appearances, about what other people will think - like your mutual friend, for example. Look at it this way: if PTM said it like a nice man who's really sorry, why would your friend have wanted to cover that up? And did PTM look particularly relieved in mediation, or wrong-footed? Be honest (which is more than he ever did).

Mate, you're making excuses for him, like wot TFM said. You've been practising it for 25 years and it's a hard habit to break.

Wisey Ill echo what the other girls have said above. Dont waste the energy on wondering what PTM has said or thought. Its wasted energy and all second guessed and probably way off the mark. Save all the energy you have for the things you want to do for/with yourself and your DC.

Guys just aint worth it. Keep going the way youre going and youll get on fine.

TC xx

Phew. It's true. I know it was a cover up really, because I was there and saw it for myself on the day.

I suppose days like that come along and take me by surprise because they're getting fewer and farther between and that's a cause to celebrate. I just have alot of empty time now I'm winding down at work and that's what lets the thinking go into outer space.

So Wisey's fine. Back where I want to be and thankful you're there too.

Glad to hear all is good Wisey. TC x

You're so far ahead of me on your journey to the new normal that I had nothing to add to help you except that I'm here, along with everyone else, thinking of you and willing you through. And lo and behold, you did come through. Just sharing your blip and then celebrating your snapping back to where you want to be inspires us newbies, it really does. Thank you. xx

The one thing I did (stupidly on reflection) agree to was letting him take a mortgage holiday to pay for the divorce costs and mediation.

Nothing's in writing so it can't happen and it isn't binding. But the costs were awarded to me and he agreed to pay for mediation himself. If I let him take a mortgage hol this means we are sharing the costs .

I am wanting to text him to tell him I don't agree having thought about it, for the above reasons.
AIBU given the circumstances?

Actually, I've texted him that anyway. I'm not paying for a fucking divorce I never wanted, and nor am I paying for the dubious pleasure of seeing him squirm across the bloody mediation table.

Also phoned mortgage provider. Big bold capital letters across the account - Do not remove dispute from account, Wisey does not agree, has not signed anything, PTM may try to take holiday, do not allow.

Cookin'. On. Gas.

Gosh, I've had those moments. It all seems so reasonable at the time and then afterwards you think "'ere, wait a minute..."

Mediation was a total waste of time for us, too, although I would have gone along with it if XH was prepared to share the cost. In hindsight even that was too kind, but I felt it was important to be seen to be doing the right thing. However he wouldn't even meet me half-way, so I was glad to let it go.

Conciliatory sounding text back "thank you for letting me know...." but I deleted it before reading on. Staying strong.

off to rehearse for Saturday's gig. La La La La La La La La Laaaa

Chips is back!

I like the contrast - you going 'la la la la' and him going 'blah, blah, blah'

Good idea not to read beyond the first few words. Wonder what followed them?

thank you for letting me know ... I thought I'd got away with that...

I'm sure that someone else will have a better line than that

Chips is back!!! yeay!

She's got a lot of catching up....!

McNaughty, I think your line is fine, just fine

Welcome back Chips. We've been holding the fort in your absence but it hasn't been the same.

You've done the right thing Wisey. "I'm not paying for a divorce I never wanted" really resonates with me. I don't even talk or communicate with Lycra man at all. Everything is via solicitor; I admire you for texting him about the mortgage holiday - I just can't do that. The closest we have directly communicated was about son's rugby final a few weeks ago: Phone rang, I answered; twunt said, "hi can I have a word about YS game?" Saffysmum said "Yes, you can have two, fuck off" and put the phone down.

It doesn't put me in a good light, does it? And up thread a few pages you said about at some point offering an olive branch and inviting him in for a drink - and I thought then how kind and what a great person you are...because hell will freeze over before I get to that stage. And I know that I should try and form a new relationship with him, because he's the dad of four wonderful kids, but I just can't. I blame myself for picking him in the first place, for choosing such a lousy dad for them - they deserved better.

Have you ever felt that way?

And hi Chips - we've missed you.

Bloody hell, Saff, love your "Yes, you can have two, fuck off" intervention.

Bet that dazed and confused him.

But listen here. One sharp retort does not a warmonger make. I think you've been really, really together and dignified in all this and I've been amazed at the way you've contained your feelings towards him.

Second, somehow or other seeing PTM in mediation and listening to him whine on for 2 hours, making him concede on every point, reduced the emotional connection I had to him. That's how I just knew I could break the no contact to tell him how it is, and ignore his response, because his response can't hurt me any more now I've squared up to him.

So when I get to the olive branch stage it will be when I want to, and not dependent on anything, conciliatory or otherwise, that PTM does. It's not about him any more, it's about me. And hell might just have frozen over beforehand, who knows? I won't feel any less a humane individual if I don't get there this year, next year, 5 years. The time will be right when I'm at a place where I no longer enjoy watching his discomfort, no longer hurt to know where/who he's going home to, no longer think of him as 'PTM'. So if you never get to that point, it's ok IMO.

And one more thing Saff. Yes, I've felt the way you do, quite alot since March. But I/You chose a man who we once loved and trusted, and we chose well because if nothing else, they enabled us to bring up these lovely children and make them the people they are - well balanced, mature, resilient and resourceful. Their disregard for us and them now is their baggage, not ours.

I tend to agree with you Wisey that Saffy's words were appropriate considering the circumstances. Why not? Why not 'show your teeth' from time to time. Its almost like the lioness protecting her brood... don't mess with me/don't come any closer.

Indeed I applaud the sharp wit and finality of the comment.

This olive branch stage? I assume you mean reaching out to him with an olive branch rather than finding a decent sized speciman and prodding him with it.

Arf! Arf! at McNaughty. Now you've put ideas into my head.