OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

[Wisedupwoman]

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

ARF ARF!!

Ha ha!!

In that case, let the shoes do the talking.

Trying to hang on to a modicum of sensibility here, had a good day yesterday and want it to last (wish mediation was yesterday, I'd have been cookin' on gas!)

I am in a strong position here, right?

I only have me and DD and our future to think about.

PTM has to think about how to keep two families going at the same time, one financially (us) and the other emotionally and financially. That should stretch him somewhat I'd have thought since he's in so much debt himself. Since he has already been told in no uncertain terms that DD wants to stay in our home he risks losing her altogether if he backslides on that now. She's all he has left - will he give up that relationship? Maybe. But then he'll have to live with that for the rest of his sorry life.

And I'll pick up the pieces because I know I can.

Long time lurker here Wisey. Yes you are in a strong position. You are focused, you know his little tricks, you know what you want. He has nothing but his fading fantasy version of events.

Now, you also have new kick ass shoes [hgrin]

good one saffy!

Yes, of course you're in a good position wisey.

If I were you and bumped into him outside / in the waiting room / at the train station I'd participate in any small talk he initiated to a degree, in order to appear breezy, but be as brief as possible and provide no actual information (while picturing the shoe-in-crotch scenario and sneaking peeks to see whether he has the right day-of-week socks on).

My bet is that he pleads ill health / poverty blah blah. Will want to sell the house immediately, and for you to have none of his pension. Also bet he plans to "change career direction" and start up a consultancy or something meaning insecure income.

Really hope he actually wears the purple trousers (ideally with lycra).

Hello helen, nice to meet you and thanks!

Dozer you're right, I'm fully expecting the illness/poverty line too. I'm also anticipating he'll try and force the sale of the house (by whatever means necessary), and yes I know that he is already setting himself up in a new job, change of career, less money (all whilst off sick - cheating bastard that he is).

Yet, he had the bare-faced front to tell my DS that his "conscience is clear" about what he's done. I guess that means he just doesn't have one.

Yes, I think you are in a strong position, and not just in terms of what you are due, but in terms of where you are emotionally.

I would guess that you have thought through every scenario to try and make sure that if he throws you a curved ball, you don't feel the pain so badly. The beauty of it all is that there will be a third party there and they will have seen it all before so there won't be opportunities for the script to be rehashed.

The mediator will see it coming even before it comes out of PTM's mouth.

You will deal with whatever the outcome is because you are the one with the rock solid team behind you (RL and MN-Life). He may be about to face the most difficult choices of his life. He played away and thought he could blag his way through the consequences. He couldn't. Now he's got the moral imperative of whether he puts his DD first or himself first.

You've guided your DD to this point and saved her from some of PTM's more extrvagant promises. Of course you will be OK. More OK than you have been for a long time.

(If he turns up in purple trouers you could refuse to meet him as you wouldn't be able to keep a straight face so that might prejudice the meeting! )

Yet, he had the bare-faced front to tell my DS that his "conscience is clear" about what he's done. I guess that means he just doesn't have one.

Jaw-dropping as that is - you've summed him up in a nutshell.

Yes, he's a charmer alright!

You are in a strong position. You chose a long while back not to be a victim and everything since then has kept making you stronger.

Alldownhill is spot on, he is having to cope with the harsh reality of what he thought would be easy.

God, thank you all again. Dozer, Alldownhill and Migrating. Just walked around Sainsbury's with those words jangling around my brain - "my conscience is clear". I had to leave because I thought they'd burst out of my head.

But your words Alldownhill about my covering every possible scenario are true. The safest thing is not to engage him in anything other than my goal. As my therapist pointed out today, all I need to do is listen to what he has to say and then say "right, now I'll take this back to my sol and I'll see you next time". And then walk away. When I see my sol I'm going to ask him to write to PTM and tell him to stop interrogating DD on his access visits and to direct his questions to sol.

The other very powerful thing you said concerns PTM facing the most difficult decision he'll ever have had to make - whether to put himself or DD first. For most of us that one's a no-brainer IMO - but PTM isn't most of us, he's a man without a conscience.

The shoes will be on. The forehead will be smooth. I will be me and nothing else but. I just hope with every bit of me that this will all be over very, very soon so that I can truly move on.

Yet, he had the bare-faced front to tell my DS that his "conscience is clear" about what he's done. I guess that means he just doesn't have one.

If he had a concience, he would never had done any of this. Sad fucker that he is. Saying stuff like that is just going to make him look more and more pathetic to everyone else involved.

Oh yes, the wonderful phrase about consulting the solicitor.

I had the misfortune to be dealing with an employment issue a few years ago. I had been hung drawn and quartered by a corporation I had worked damn hard for an successfully over a number of years... they were coming back to me (shit scared by that time after a letter from my SHL (to borrow Saffy's words)) and asked me what I thought of their proposal.

I took a moment - oh, the use of silence! - and said "I would have to discuss this with my solicitor" They tried to draw me and I had the pleasure of repeating the phrase before ending the call.

It was a very powerful feeling. (in shit circumstances)

Its good advice to stick to your own script. Its what any media trainer will tell you. Decide what you are prepared to say and then stick to it. Anything else can be brought to a second meeting, or passed on to the sol.

Yes, yes, good plan. broken record technique. Have used "I'll get back to you when have considered it, talked to X or Y ["the lawyers"] reflected on it" quite a lot at work and in dealing with pushy people.

I hope against hope that he'll do right by DD financially and with respect to the house, but suspect that he will justify not doing so to himself saying that "she'll understand when she's older" or "it just isn't possible in the circumstances" [poor me], "wisey made me out to be the bad guy, tried to screw me over" blah blah. Grrr.

You're really well prepared for this.

Well sleep came and went. I've made some tea.

Yes he's going to find a way to wriggle out.

I keep catching my breath, it's anxiety. I'm not slipping back, just hurting.

Those words "your mum hates my guts" - the real statement there is "I hate your mums guts". People put onto others the self hatred they feel but can't tolerate. "I will be 100% honest with her from now on" means I will continue to lie because to tell the truth will mean I will have to develop a conscience and face my own demons. PTM really has no idea how I'm feeling. You do, my lovely DC's do, RL friends do. But PTM - no.

So I will counteract that hatred by behaving with dignity and self respect tomorrow no matter how it feels to be in his presence. I won't point score.

That's it for now. I need to try and rest.

self hatred not self hatred, the hatred for others that they themselves feel but can't tolerate knowing they feel it.

Any way, he can't make me sell the house until she's 18. Even if he gives up one of his jobs and is worse off he will still have to pay half of the mortgage it and 15% of his earnings. Either way, he'll be broke, and I will struggle but I will find a way to earn a bit more somehow. And I will get half the pension even if it means off-setting that against equity. By then the mortgage will be much less than now and I'll be in a better position financially myself.
i will take all the original proposals of his to mediation tomorrow and I'll ask "so are you withdrawing all these now?"

That's sad. I read "your mum hates my guts" more as a "poor me" line, or fishing for a "no, of course she's upset but still cares" response.

Go for the pension and the equity! Did you get that nasty big form filled in? Hope when you get his form it's got everything in that it should, everything disclosed etc.

Sending good vibes your way.

He's looking for that chink in your armour - the one that shows you are the same person he was lying to before, the one who took his crap.

Trouble for him now is that he doesn't really know who you are now so he's walking into this meeting blindfolded. All his bluff and verbal arrows have missed their target. You're right, he's reached a stage where there is no-one else to blame. Bet he's really shitting bricks now.

Take care of yourself and before you know it, it will be Thursday.

Ditto everyone's good advice.

Take care of yourself today and I will be thinking of you, especially tomorrow, along with everyone else.

xx

Good luck tomorrow Wisey. Sending you loads of positive vibes. Remember your dignity, wear the shoes, and be civil, detached and keep it all business like. Above all, if tomorrow or at a further date you agree something at mediation remember it will have to be made into a legal binding document, it will have to be approved by your solicitor, and will have to be adhered to in court. If you don't like mediation, then remember what my SHL told me, hop off it (like a bus) and refer back to your sol to sort.

Don't put yourself through more grief that you have to.

X

Evening.

I'm going to relax and spend time in front of the tele tonight, earlyish night.

DD has just given me a letter which she wants me to open tomorrow when I'm in the waiting room. I can't wait to read it. She's wonderful.

Eldest DS has said just don't get into anything other than what you went for, don't let him make you upset, don't think about what he's done, just think of you and ring me as soon as you're done. He's wonderful too.

A friend will be waiting at her house with a bottle of wine for me to take a swig out of.

And as for you, well, what can I say? I've copied and pasted loads of your posts as well and I'll need a volume of Encyclopedia Britannica to put them in, but you've come this far so it's only right you're there with me.

This time tomorrow the first one will be done.

How sweet of the DCs.

We'll all be there (under an invisibility cloak) to jinx him [hwink]