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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

OK, new beginnings, new thread, it WAS right to serve divorce papers!

974 replies

Wisedupwoman · 26/05/2011 19:34

I asked the question - Am I right to serve the divorce papers on my chameleon-like but definitely cheating, lying, cruel and manipulative STBXH. You all said "YES". So I have. The story continues.........

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Saffysmum · 08/07/2011 20:15

I am sooo pleased with myself! We just had a power cut and I went into the garage and that fuse thingy box and I did fix it all by myself! Who needs men?

Well done Wisey on looking fab - yeah you'll knock him dead next week alright. And being happy and independent is the best revenge of all.

MinesaGandT · 08/07/2011 20:18

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MinesaGandT · 08/07/2011 20:19

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Dozer · 08/07/2011 20:26

Yes, respect ladies!

V funny dreams too, but hope you have nice dreams tonight, eg jon bon jovi and cake!

BeforeAndAfter · 08/07/2011 20:53

Well I didn't sleep last night but I will make sure I do so tonight - after all Jon Bon Jovi and cake ... oooh. I hate to sound cheap but I'd jump over Jon for marzipan cake topped with chocolate and gummi bears, or do I mean jumping over cake to get to marzipan topped Jon with chocolate and gummi bears nestled in his navel. Oh, I'm so ashamed I said that. Blush

Wisedupwoman · 08/07/2011 21:46

Well done Saff, next thing you'll be rewiring the whole house!

D'you know I'm more lkely to lust after blokes in the supermarket these days, and they're all sooooo different to PTM (for a start they're not wearing purple trousers, and I'd have to check out whether they've got dubious taste in socks).

Sorry to lower the tone ( it is fri night after all) but I can't imagine shagging anyone, not that there's anyone on the horizon, far too soon for that. I've changed so much over years, I don't want to pull for the sake of it (it would be quite nice to be wooed by someone nice though). All in good time though.

God I'm knackered. I'm going to fall into bed and sleep.
Night all. x

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Alldownhillnow · 09/07/2011 16:07

You might not be able to imagine having a good shag in the cold light of day... but I am sure that when the right person comes along and you feel those butterflies and a decent helping of lust - you will just go for it. And it will be amazing. Grin

All in good time, yes - but it will come.

Wisedupwoman · 09/07/2011 17:53

Another heart to heart with DD.

She cottoned on to my growing fear of seeing PTM next week, of him seeing through my detached composure.
She told me that I shouldn't be thinking her D has gone on to a happy life. She said every time she and her DB see him he is irritable, snappy and looks a bit miserable. There is no spring in his step any more. She said I shouldn't either think she's saying that to make me feel better because she doesn't use dishonesty.

She said she doesn't believe anyone who can have lied so much to his own family can be truly happy and it's his lies which have hardened her own heart and resolve never to accept him back.

I'm glad she told me and I'm proud of her. It shows that you get back what you put in with your kids.

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Saffysmum · 09/07/2011 18:29

She sounds absolutely wonderful Wisey, a credit to you, too right you're proud of her - I'm proud of her and I've never met the sweetie.

"There's no spring in his step anymore". Course there isn't. I really think these men in the throes of their "midlife crisis" think they are invincible. They underestimate the guilt they will suffer, and the massive dent to their inflated self image of themselves. They look in the mirror and no longer see a man who has it all - just a man who's pretending to have it all - only the people who matter can see the truth - and they hate that more than anything.

Eldest daughter got her dad to pick her up from a party late last night, cos it was raining, and cabs were short, and why should her mum fork out for a cab anyway...like I said, she sees him as a walking cashpoint/taxi.

She was talking about him this morning, said he seemed really unhappy and sad all the time, and that when she asked him if he was ok, he said, "trying to get on with everything, it's been a struggle, and some days I don't cope very well, and I really miss you". So I guess he hasn't got much of a spring in his step either. I said to her that it's strange that he wanted out and seems miserable, and I did everything to make it work, right until the final straw, yet I'm happier than I have been in years. She said, "but mum, you haven't got any guilt to carry around, you did everything you could, and we know that, and most of all, dad knows that". So another teenage daughter wise for her years....

Did you dent the credit card today? What have you been upto?

BeforeAndAfter · 09/07/2011 18:43

Wisey, Saff, you both have DCs you should be so proud of. They seem wise beyond their years. You should sit back and take the credit for what they have become and what will become with you guiding them through the world.

just a man pretending to have it all. Oh, how I love those words. So insightful and so right.

Alldownhillnow · 09/07/2011 18:44

Isn't is wonderful that you are able to have these conversations with your DCs. The truth is out there and there are no more lies being banded around. Its a credit to you as mothers.

Do these men think that they can carry on as before and explore this new life without impunity? They forget that they had a whole support system in place - the love and devotion of those who actually cared for them - warts and all. They forget that what they had was probably the envy of many around them - and not without reason.

Its no wonder reality caught up with them and they have learnt the big boy's lesson that what goes around comes around. The shiney new life doesn't have the years of history, you know those shared bits of humour, memories of events or great holidays, those family dinners where everyone is squabbling but its OK cause its normal, those late nights watching a favousrite movie... They walked away from that.

And their DCs no longer see them as their DF, just some bloke who has betrayed them.

Wisedupwoman · 09/07/2011 19:24

Did I dent the credit card? Did I ever.

First thing I did was something I've been wanting to do for ages. since I was 30 I've had a frown line - until today. Yes, I have joined the ranks of the (subtly) cosmetically enhanced and I am pleased.

Then I got some new jeans and trawled around after DD, making the right noises, as she browsed Top Shop etc. We are both sated. I will worry about the bill when it comes because I had an unexpected windfall this week. Sometimes you just have to do what makes you feel good.

Next we'll watch Marley and Me with a box of tissues at the ready. And I had a email from my former guitarist asking me to do a birthday gig in two weeks. DD made me email back yes, so I better get working on the voice again.

I know what you mean about XH's forgetting the support system they had. We go on here, better than before and more congruent with each other because there's no walking on eggshells. When we bicker (as we do) there's no insecurity about our feelings for each other. I wonder how easy it is for PTM to really feel secure where he is, to be himself and not worry about putting a step out of line in case he finds himself as he did here the day I told him to go - loading his suitcases from the garden into the back of the car with no clear idea about where he could go next.

Whatever. He's lost more than he's gained or can ever recover. BTW I'm going to cut and paste and print off some of your posts which I'll put in a book to 'read' while in the waiting room for mediation next week. So just as you were all there in my interview, you're coming to mediation with me too!!!

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Saffysmum · 09/07/2011 19:35

We'll be there every step of the way Wisey! You in your killer heels with no frown lines; me in my latest Monsoon maxi number, with the killer stare and poker straight blonde hair, BA with her toned abs and legs, Alldown with her words of wisdom and all the other wonderful MNtrs.....and there he'll be: PTM with odd socks on, not bouncing around like Tigger on acid, more like Eeyore with a hangover. You'll wipe the floor with him love.

Dozer · 09/07/2011 19:36

Wow, this thread is so great, really amazing mother-daughter insights, feminine solidarity and resilience and more. Am another one who is impressed with the DCs - just, wow.

Oooh, frown line no more! Good for you. And congrats on the gig, sounds like fun.

You don't have to prove anything at mediation, e.g. show PTM how fabulous you / your life is now. Puts too much pressure on you, and is too early. Is OK to show honesty. He will see that wisey is in the building and cannot fail but to respect you. We will all be sending good vibes for you and voodoo pins for PTM!

As for these stupid men, would almost feel sorry for them if they hadn't caused such awful pain. They are their own worst enemy. My FIL is one of these men and, 18+ years later, in his 60s, the sadness and hollowness in him and his life is palpable. But I don't feel sorry for him (often) either, 'cos he still re-writes history, plays the victim and says and does hurtful things regularly. Still clueless after all these years.

Saffysmum · 09/07/2011 19:45

You're so right (as always!) Dozer. Was talking to BIL last week (who happens to be ex's best mate), and he said he doesn't feel sorry for him, he pities him; and when I asked why, he said because he had so much and didn't realise it; and that when he does it will be too late. And that he will end up a sad and lonely man. You mentioning your FIL and how he is now reminded me of BIL's words.

Alldownhillnow · 09/07/2011 20:01

I'll do your frowning for you! Grin

Oh he'll know that he's toast as soon as he sees you. I don't know the stats, but aren't most of our communications by body language? He'll realise that his well rehearsed lines will sound crap before he even gets them out of his mouth.

Am loving the day's spending news! I treated myself to a Chanel lipstick the other week and I swear it makes me feel good even taking it out of the bag. Problem is that DD thinks is fair game. Not like in my day when my Mum had her Max Factor Coral Dream and all I dreamt of was Mary Quant...

BeforeAndAfter · 09/07/2011 20:42

Wisey, I would be honoured to be in the mediation room with you. I'll be the shy new one at the back, silently encouraging you to shaft the bastard so that he doesn't have to pretend he has it all because, if he doesn't know already (and I suspect he does), he will realise that he has, and is, nothing without you.

One question I have, and tell me to bog off, but would you have sorted out the frown line if you had still been with H?

Wisedupwoman · 09/07/2011 21:46

The frown line - well, it had been bothering me for so long that I probably would have eventually but I used to put other things first. XH would have been against it but now I think WTF it's my body, my money.

You will all be most welcome at mediation. Together we will make the mediator redundant. Any attempt at small talk by PTM will be met with the best withering look I can muster.

Well MN is the best discovery I've made in a long time. I've felt true solidarity here, I guess that's why many of these twunty cocking men would hate it.

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BeforeAndAfter · 10/07/2011 08:29

Mornin' Wisey

Just swinging by to say hope you're feeling good today and your forehead is as smooth as a baby's proverbial.

Enjoy the day even if it is a bit grey outside of my window.

Wisedupwoman · 10/07/2011 09:22

Right now B&A it's good, it's all good. Enjoy your day. Smile

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MigratingCoconuts · 10/07/2011 18:44

Just clocking in and saying I'm still here.

Just spotted the harry Potter icons! [hsmile]

BeforeAndAfter · 10/07/2011 19:43

Twunty cocking men - kept me chuckling all day. Cheers.

Wisedupwoman · 10/07/2011 21:54

Got plenty more where that came from B&A.
Hi again migrating good to see you.

have been rehearsing poss scenario's for waiting room.

PTM: how are you?
Wisey: I'm here for mediation

PTM: I'm sorry (less likely)
Wisey: I'm here for mediation

PTM: I hope one day we can be friends. (even less likely)
Wisey: I'm here for mediation.

PTM: DS doesn't want to know me any more.
Wisey: I'm here for mediation

PTM: how did you find out I'm living in X?
Wisey: I'm here for mediation

and so on. Toast? Cinders more like!

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BeforeAndAfter · 10/07/2011 22:22

Cinders, Oh, burn baby burn

Saffysmum · 11/07/2011 05:48

Or

PTM: How are you?

Wisey: Got new shoes. Feel. (forceably kicks toe of said shoe in PTM's crotch).

Sorted.